THURSDAY
My first day off.
I had followed my own announcement and stayed in bed for half the day, spending the rest of it reading, zapping through the channels of the TV. Staring at the wood-beads of the string-curtains that form the borders of my 'sleeping-room'. It's something I can only do when I'm very relaxed and calm, to let my eyes wander across the patterns of the bead for a while, not thinking at all.
Zen.
Usually I like to keep my mind busy with work and my body tired with sports. The reason? Well, if you're really busy and tired at the end of your day – whatever daytime that is – it's a lot easier to resist the pull.
That damned calling I hear most of the time. There are days I take long detours on my way to work because I will stay away from the view of those casinos. God knows I'm aware of my problem. I read about addictions, about how the mere sight of somebody else doing what you try to avoid triggers a response too hard to resist. No matter what the drug. Crack, Internet, Heroin, Adrenaline-rush, Gambling, you name it. The brain is the problem and it reacts to the specific addiction in the same way.
After I learned that I tried hard to stay out of those places. Gil knew that all the time and usually tries to assign me to cases that are not located at a casino. Of course that doesn't work all the time. But I'm trying hard and get along. Most of the time...
Anyway, a man can take only that much then he needs a rest. I'm far beyond that point and was napping until Nick showed up shortly after 3 pm.
"Yo! Whazzup?" Nick grinned, dribbling a ball. We often play basketball together. Nick's a great buddy and we got along very well ever since he joined our team.
"Ah, you wanna lose?" I can't help to be arrogant. After all, white boys just can't, right? Except Nick, maybe. He's such a fighter, gives me a hard time out on the field. He can't lose, never. Dunno where that comes from. "Just a sec." I let him in and walk over to the large closet, pulling out a tee-shirt and shorts. I change on the spot. I don't see why I should pretend to be more decent in my own place. We share a locker-room at work and in the showers we have seen of each other as much as you can.
+++
"Shit!"
"Take it easy, brother! I'm fresh and relaxed, you were workin'." I can't suppress a laughter, "What a shame to lose with 14 points!" Nick glares at me what makes me laugh even more. He throws the ball at me with full force but I manage to flinch and it ends up in the park's fountain. In the end we're both soaking wet with water. That's OK, the air is hot and dry this afternoon.
"So... Stokes, what is it with Sara?"
"Well, Warrick, was is it with Catherine?" he shoots back.
"Man, come-on, do tell! She's practically drooling whenever you show up and I can see your hungry eyes on her. How far did ya go? Got her laid?" I'm carefully putting out the bait for my Texan-gentleman-buddy.
"It's not about getting another marker on my list, Warrick! Sara's –"
He can see my grin and realized he'd swallowed the bait, hook and all.
"You bastard!"
"No, I just know how to do my job, Nick. So, that's something serious, huh?"
"Could become, yeah." He's got it hard, I can tell. He has that look in his eyes.
"Good for you, brother. Comin' in for a drink?"
Nick checks his watch, "Naw. It's late. Well then, see you... next week, huh?"
"Right. Have a good time." I walk back inside, shower and flop on the sofa.
And there it hits me. Out of the blue it was back. Getting nervous, having a hard time just sitting still. I think of calling Gil, but what should he do? Lock me up? After all he has a job to do and can't babysit me. Besides: I'm too damn proud to call for help! Stupid, but that's how I am. So I'm clawing the upholstery and think of locking up my wallet once more.
It wouldn't help, I knew. I could get an IOU anyplace.
I'm sweating. It's hard to imagine one could get such withdrawal from a purely psychological thing, but it's true. After a while I calmed down and could convince myself to eat something. Still, not in the mood to cook and order a pizza instead.
Half an hour later I watch the news, munching the pizza when the door-bell rings.
Catherine! Yeah, exactly what I had need right now. Deep talking in that state of mine – ridiculous. Still I have no idea how to send her away without telling her what was up. She would understand. She had been there herself. For a second I feel like throwing myself into Catherine's arms...
"Hi Cath."
"Hey! How are you doing on your first day off?"
"Fine, thanks. Don't you want to come-in?" Lying is an initial part of any addiction once it has reached a certain stage. You excel at it sooner or later, so am I. Backing off to give her room to enter although I feel a bit awkward. We have not really talked since the day she had fought with Gil at my place. have no idea why she was here but it couldn't be anything good.
"Warrick, I know it's not fair to bother you but... Eddie's not here and the babysitter had an accident... could you... I mean could Lindsay stay here for tonight? There's not too much you'd have to do?" It was obvious that Cath feels at least as awkward as I myself, the way she constantly shifted her feet.
"Hey, sure!" I'm so relieved I had not to do some uncomfortable talking, I would have accepted anything. Besides: I love Lindsay and it should be fun and quite a distraction to have her around. "When are you going to bring her around?"
"Oh, I, uh, she's in the car."
+++
After sharing the rest of my pizza with the little girl me and Lindsay go into serious talking.
"So, Lindsay, how was school lately? You still like it?"
"I hate sports!"
"You hate it? What are you doing?"
"Swimming. My eyes hurt and I have always water in my ears."
"Oh. That's bad. But soon you will do something else, right?"
"Yes. Baseball."
"That's fun! You're playing girls vs. boys?"
"Yes. And I will hit Peter Jones with my bat really hard."
"Whoa, why would you do that?"
"He's stupid!"
"Because...?"
"He says he has no mommy."
"She probably went away or died?"
"No. he has two daddies and no mom! That's what he says. Everybody has to have a mommy, right uncle Warrick?"
"Right. Only... the mom must not live with the kid. Sometimes they give birth and then move on."
"Don't they love their kids then?"
"I'm sure they do. Only they feel it would be better for the child if it lived someplace else."
Lindsay thought this over for a while.
"Uncle Warrick?"
"Hmmm?"
"You think mom would give me away?"
"NO! What makes you think so? Your mom would never leave you behind!"
"When dad is home they fight and I have to cry. Wouldn't she think I'd be happier someplace else?"
My heart ached for the kid. Stupid Eddie! Why would he not finally leave Cath alone? Wasn't it enough the guy made Cath's life a mess? Had he to ruin Lindsay's as well?
"Would you be?"
"NO! I want to stay with mommy!"
"Then there's no reason for you to worry. Your mommy knows perfectly well that you are happy where you are. Promise."
"OK." Then, after a pause she went on: "Warrick?"
"Yes?" whoa, kids can ask big holes into your tummy! Still I love her continuous poking. Lindsay is such a bright kid.
"When mommy decides to give me away, could I stay with you then?"
"Oh, Linds! You could. But I promise you this will never happen because your mommy loves you to much. Close your eyes and listen to your heart and you will find that you know that already. Come-on: close your eyes!"
the kid complied. I wait a few seconds, "You hear it?" I ask with a low voice.
"Yeah..." it was a breathy but happy answer, then Lindsay's eyes fly open, bright and faithful and she embraces me, "Thank you, uncle Warrick!"
Damn, but you know, that felt great! That second I swear to have kids of my own one day. When I'll be off the hook... It's a sweet thing, such a child. Lindsay is kind of the team's kid, of that extended family we are. Everybody loves her and everybody has always something in a drawer for her just in case she might drop by. Gil adores her, of all people Lindsay was the one who had gotten to his heart first.
Gil... I smile when I think of Gil's own awkward affection towards Linds. The guy tried really hard!
"OK, kid. Time to hit the sack. It's too late already. You go to the bathroom and I'll build your bed. Shoo!" I chase the giggling kid around the place until she disappears in the bathroom.
After I tell Lindsay an episode of 'The Little Prince' I kissed her good-night and switch off the lights.
+++
A shrill shriek rips me out of a deep sleep in the middle of the night. After a moment I realize it is Lindsay. In no time I dash through the string-curtains over to the couch, my heart pounding hard with the initial shock.
"Lindsay! Wake-up, baby. You were dreaming."
"MOMMY!" the little girl sits with a start, screaming, her eyes open but not seeing, "MOOOOMMMMYYYYYY!"
God, she would wake the whole neighborhood! I gently take hold of her, try to get through, "Lindsay, it's me, Warrick."
The kid finally comes around, but she's shattered and cries, stuttering something about mom going away, leaving her behind. I hold her until the small form calms down and stops shaking. It turns out to be impossible to leave her. Every time I shift to leave the seemingly sleeping child, she wakes and grabs whatever she can get hold of me. So I finally resign, pick her up and carry her over to the bed where we could both sleep comfortably until the door-bell wakes me.
My first day off.
I had followed my own announcement and stayed in bed for half the day, spending the rest of it reading, zapping through the channels of the TV. Staring at the wood-beads of the string-curtains that form the borders of my 'sleeping-room'. It's something I can only do when I'm very relaxed and calm, to let my eyes wander across the patterns of the bead for a while, not thinking at all.
Zen.
Usually I like to keep my mind busy with work and my body tired with sports. The reason? Well, if you're really busy and tired at the end of your day – whatever daytime that is – it's a lot easier to resist the pull.
That damned calling I hear most of the time. There are days I take long detours on my way to work because I will stay away from the view of those casinos. God knows I'm aware of my problem. I read about addictions, about how the mere sight of somebody else doing what you try to avoid triggers a response too hard to resist. No matter what the drug. Crack, Internet, Heroin, Adrenaline-rush, Gambling, you name it. The brain is the problem and it reacts to the specific addiction in the same way.
After I learned that I tried hard to stay out of those places. Gil knew that all the time and usually tries to assign me to cases that are not located at a casino. Of course that doesn't work all the time. But I'm trying hard and get along. Most of the time...
Anyway, a man can take only that much then he needs a rest. I'm far beyond that point and was napping until Nick showed up shortly after 3 pm.
"Yo! Whazzup?" Nick grinned, dribbling a ball. We often play basketball together. Nick's a great buddy and we got along very well ever since he joined our team.
"Ah, you wanna lose?" I can't help to be arrogant. After all, white boys just can't, right? Except Nick, maybe. He's such a fighter, gives me a hard time out on the field. He can't lose, never. Dunno where that comes from. "Just a sec." I let him in and walk over to the large closet, pulling out a tee-shirt and shorts. I change on the spot. I don't see why I should pretend to be more decent in my own place. We share a locker-room at work and in the showers we have seen of each other as much as you can.
+++
"Shit!"
"Take it easy, brother! I'm fresh and relaxed, you were workin'." I can't suppress a laughter, "What a shame to lose with 14 points!" Nick glares at me what makes me laugh even more. He throws the ball at me with full force but I manage to flinch and it ends up in the park's fountain. In the end we're both soaking wet with water. That's OK, the air is hot and dry this afternoon.
"So... Stokes, what is it with Sara?"
"Well, Warrick, was is it with Catherine?" he shoots back.
"Man, come-on, do tell! She's practically drooling whenever you show up and I can see your hungry eyes on her. How far did ya go? Got her laid?" I'm carefully putting out the bait for my Texan-gentleman-buddy.
"It's not about getting another marker on my list, Warrick! Sara's –"
He can see my grin and realized he'd swallowed the bait, hook and all.
"You bastard!"
"No, I just know how to do my job, Nick. So, that's something serious, huh?"
"Could become, yeah." He's got it hard, I can tell. He has that look in his eyes.
"Good for you, brother. Comin' in for a drink?"
Nick checks his watch, "Naw. It's late. Well then, see you... next week, huh?"
"Right. Have a good time." I walk back inside, shower and flop on the sofa.
And there it hits me. Out of the blue it was back. Getting nervous, having a hard time just sitting still. I think of calling Gil, but what should he do? Lock me up? After all he has a job to do and can't babysit me. Besides: I'm too damn proud to call for help! Stupid, but that's how I am. So I'm clawing the upholstery and think of locking up my wallet once more.
It wouldn't help, I knew. I could get an IOU anyplace.
I'm sweating. It's hard to imagine one could get such withdrawal from a purely psychological thing, but it's true. After a while I calmed down and could convince myself to eat something. Still, not in the mood to cook and order a pizza instead.
Half an hour later I watch the news, munching the pizza when the door-bell rings.
Catherine! Yeah, exactly what I had need right now. Deep talking in that state of mine – ridiculous. Still I have no idea how to send her away without telling her what was up. She would understand. She had been there herself. For a second I feel like throwing myself into Catherine's arms...
"Hi Cath."
"Hey! How are you doing on your first day off?"
"Fine, thanks. Don't you want to come-in?" Lying is an initial part of any addiction once it has reached a certain stage. You excel at it sooner or later, so am I. Backing off to give her room to enter although I feel a bit awkward. We have not really talked since the day she had fought with Gil at my place. have no idea why she was here but it couldn't be anything good.
"Warrick, I know it's not fair to bother you but... Eddie's not here and the babysitter had an accident... could you... I mean could Lindsay stay here for tonight? There's not too much you'd have to do?" It was obvious that Cath feels at least as awkward as I myself, the way she constantly shifted her feet.
"Hey, sure!" I'm so relieved I had not to do some uncomfortable talking, I would have accepted anything. Besides: I love Lindsay and it should be fun and quite a distraction to have her around. "When are you going to bring her around?"
"Oh, I, uh, she's in the car."
+++
After sharing the rest of my pizza with the little girl me and Lindsay go into serious talking.
"So, Lindsay, how was school lately? You still like it?"
"I hate sports!"
"You hate it? What are you doing?"
"Swimming. My eyes hurt and I have always water in my ears."
"Oh. That's bad. But soon you will do something else, right?"
"Yes. Baseball."
"That's fun! You're playing girls vs. boys?"
"Yes. And I will hit Peter Jones with my bat really hard."
"Whoa, why would you do that?"
"He's stupid!"
"Because...?"
"He says he has no mommy."
"She probably went away or died?"
"No. he has two daddies and no mom! That's what he says. Everybody has to have a mommy, right uncle Warrick?"
"Right. Only... the mom must not live with the kid. Sometimes they give birth and then move on."
"Don't they love their kids then?"
"I'm sure they do. Only they feel it would be better for the child if it lived someplace else."
Lindsay thought this over for a while.
"Uncle Warrick?"
"Hmmm?"
"You think mom would give me away?"
"NO! What makes you think so? Your mom would never leave you behind!"
"When dad is home they fight and I have to cry. Wouldn't she think I'd be happier someplace else?"
My heart ached for the kid. Stupid Eddie! Why would he not finally leave Cath alone? Wasn't it enough the guy made Cath's life a mess? Had he to ruin Lindsay's as well?
"Would you be?"
"NO! I want to stay with mommy!"
"Then there's no reason for you to worry. Your mommy knows perfectly well that you are happy where you are. Promise."
"OK." Then, after a pause she went on: "Warrick?"
"Yes?" whoa, kids can ask big holes into your tummy! Still I love her continuous poking. Lindsay is such a bright kid.
"When mommy decides to give me away, could I stay with you then?"
"Oh, Linds! You could. But I promise you this will never happen because your mommy loves you to much. Close your eyes and listen to your heart and you will find that you know that already. Come-on: close your eyes!"
the kid complied. I wait a few seconds, "You hear it?" I ask with a low voice.
"Yeah..." it was a breathy but happy answer, then Lindsay's eyes fly open, bright and faithful and she embraces me, "Thank you, uncle Warrick!"
Damn, but you know, that felt great! That second I swear to have kids of my own one day. When I'll be off the hook... It's a sweet thing, such a child. Lindsay is kind of the team's kid, of that extended family we are. Everybody loves her and everybody has always something in a drawer for her just in case she might drop by. Gil adores her, of all people Lindsay was the one who had gotten to his heart first.
Gil... I smile when I think of Gil's own awkward affection towards Linds. The guy tried really hard!
"OK, kid. Time to hit the sack. It's too late already. You go to the bathroom and I'll build your bed. Shoo!" I chase the giggling kid around the place until she disappears in the bathroom.
After I tell Lindsay an episode of 'The Little Prince' I kissed her good-night and switch off the lights.
+++
A shrill shriek rips me out of a deep sleep in the middle of the night. After a moment I realize it is Lindsay. In no time I dash through the string-curtains over to the couch, my heart pounding hard with the initial shock.
"Lindsay! Wake-up, baby. You were dreaming."
"MOMMY!" the little girl sits with a start, screaming, her eyes open but not seeing, "MOOOOMMMMYYYYYY!"
God, she would wake the whole neighborhood! I gently take hold of her, try to get through, "Lindsay, it's me, Warrick."
The kid finally comes around, but she's shattered and cries, stuttering something about mom going away, leaving her behind. I hold her until the small form calms down and stops shaking. It turns out to be impossible to leave her. Every time I shift to leave the seemingly sleeping child, she wakes and grabs whatever she can get hold of me. So I finally resign, pick her up and carry her over to the bed where we could both sleep comfortably until the door-bell wakes me.