Harry Potter Theories for Dummies
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling, Warner Brothers, Scholastic Books, etc. Also, some of the theories I use in this story are made up by me and most are from HP websites. The theories are totally comedic/parody and written as if predictions for upcoming HP books. There are OotP spoilers.
Summary: Harry, Ron, and Hermione discover an interesting book.
Chapter 1: The discovery of the book and Snape theories
*Harry is sitting around bored to death in the common room in front of the fire. There are only four other people in the common room, including Fred, George, Ron, and Hermione, because it is Christmas break. Fred and George are just there visiting for the day.*
Harry: Hey, why don't we open some presents?
Ron: Why not, Christmas is tomorrow anyway.
Hermione: *puts down her 54321 page book* Ok.
Fred: You guys go ahead, we're busy working on an experiment.
Ron: *opens one of his presents* Huh? *the present is a pink sweater with a black 'H' on it.*
Hermione: Maybe your mom forgot your name and bleached it on accident...
Ron: *shrugs* Probably. *Hermione opens a present and it's a maroon sweater with a gold 'R' on it.
Hermione: Um... actually I think you have my sweater and I have yours... *switches sweaters with Ron as Harry opens his present*
Harry: Hey come here, this is weird...
Ron & Hermione in unison: What is it?
Harry: It's a book called "Harry Potter Theories for Dummies."
Hermione: Who wrote it?
Harry: It doesn't say.
Ron: Open it, then.
*While suspenseful music plays, Harry slowly opens the book. There is a table of contents that list the chapters of the book.*
Harry: *reads out loud.* Chapter 1: Getting Started, the three steps of writing theories. Chapter 2: How to get your theories recognized. Chapter 3: Theories written by others. (organized by characters)
Ron: I'll read chapter 1 so we can get to the bottom of this. *opens book to chapter 1 and reads.* So you want to learn how to write Harry Potter theories, do you? If you want to write serious theories, I'd suggest closing this book now because the theories you will learn how to write in here are parody/comedic theories and are in no means meant to be taken seriously. If you have read this far without closing this book, then congratulations, you are already on your way to writing hilarious theories. Now, to get started, there are three steps you must remember when writing theories. Step 1: Choose a character or characters in which to base your theory. This character(s) can be a major or minor one(s) in relation to the characters in the Harry Potter books. *Ron stops reading immediately and drops the book.*
Harry: Harry Potter books, what are they talking about?
Hermione: *sighs* You mean you've never heard of J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books?
Harry and Ron: No.
Hermione: Well, to put it in simple terms, they're books about all of us and of Hogwarts and the adventures we go through.
Harry: Wait a minute, how can this Rowling person write about us if she doesn't go to school here?
Hermione: That's the thing, I don't know. She must have a reporter who records what goes on.
Ron: Who is it?
Hermione: I just said I don't know. It could be anyone. Rita Skeeter, an author of the Quibbler, anyone. So can we continue reading, then?
Ron: Ok. *picks the book back up and turns to Chapter 1.* Where was I...oh yeah, Step 2. *continues reading.*
Step 2: Whatever you decide to theorize on, it can't make sense or be anything that would really happen.
Step 3: No picking on Fred or George.
Ron: WHAT?
George: *walks over to the group* You caught us, we wrote the book.
Harry: Why?
Fred: Well, we didn't have any joke books for our joke shop, so we decided to write this one. We hope when you're done you'll allow us to publish it. We need your permission because the book is about the books about you.
Harry: I don't care, you can publish it.
Fred: You might want to read it first; there may be jokes about you. To tell you the truth, we really haven't had time to read the whole thing ourselves. Some of the theories were OWLed to us, so we have to double check them.
George: So why don't you continue reading Ron; we haven't got all day here!
Ron: *scowls at George but continues reading*
Chapter 2: How to get your theories recognized. Now that you know how to write a HP-based theory, the next step is to get it recognized. There are several ways in which you can do this. The first way is by posting your theories on a Harry Potter website/message board. (Don't ask.) The second way is by creating your own Harry Potter website/webpage and posting them that way. Finally, you can OWL your theories to us, Fred and George, owners of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. If your theories are any good, we will publish them in our second HP theory book. We are always looking for more theories!
Ron: I'm getting sick of reading. Will someone else read?
Harry: I will. *reads*
Chapter 3: Theories written by others. (organized by characters)
Here are some of our favorite HP based theories. We are making no money off publishing these theories, except for the ones we wrote. We would like to thank all the people who contributed their theories to make this book possible. Please note that these theories are written in the present tense. So, without further ado, pick a character and read!
Harry:*stops reading* Someone choose the character.
George: How about Snape. *everyone nods in agreement*
Harry: *turns to the page with Snape theories* (A/N: Keep in mind, these are joke theories!) I'll just read a few of them.
1. Snape asks Harry if he can adopt him.
Harry: That would never happen! *everyone else laughs while Harry looks mad*
Fred: Chill Harry, it's just a joke!
Harry: I don't want to read anymore. Someone else read.
George: Me! *reads*
2. During potions class, Snape gets in front of the class and does the Macarena.
*Everyone laughs*
3. Snape washes his hair with one of Lockhart's own brand shampoos.
Hermione: Lockhart has his own line of shampoo?
Fred: No, at least I hope not. *George continues reading*
4. Snape sneaks around at night wearing a mask and cape claiming to be Batman.
Ron: I wouldn't be surprised if that was true!
5. Something goes seriously wrong with a potion Snape is trying to make, and he jumps up onto his desk and begins dancing and singing like Ricky Martin in front of the entire class.
6. Snape's hairstyle becomes a new trend.
Harry: Now that's good! 7. Snape accidentally puts a love potion into Trelawney's cup instead of McGonagall's. *Everyone has a disgusted expression on their face* Harry: I never knew he liked McGonagall... George: Who knows if he does? It makes for a good joke though. I'll read one more. 8. Snape yells at Draco. Harry: I wish that theory would come true!
~* End of Chapter 1. If I get some reviews, I'll continue. : ) *~
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling, Warner Brothers, Scholastic Books, etc. Also, some of the theories I use in this story are made up by me and most are from HP websites. The theories are totally comedic/parody and written as if predictions for upcoming HP books. There are OotP spoilers.
Summary: Harry, Ron, and Hermione discover an interesting book.
Chapter 1: The discovery of the book and Snape theories
*Harry is sitting around bored to death in the common room in front of the fire. There are only four other people in the common room, including Fred, George, Ron, and Hermione, because it is Christmas break. Fred and George are just there visiting for the day.*
Harry: Hey, why don't we open some presents?
Ron: Why not, Christmas is tomorrow anyway.
Hermione: *puts down her 54321 page book* Ok.
Fred: You guys go ahead, we're busy working on an experiment.
Ron: *opens one of his presents* Huh? *the present is a pink sweater with a black 'H' on it.*
Hermione: Maybe your mom forgot your name and bleached it on accident...
Ron: *shrugs* Probably. *Hermione opens a present and it's a maroon sweater with a gold 'R' on it.
Hermione: Um... actually I think you have my sweater and I have yours... *switches sweaters with Ron as Harry opens his present*
Harry: Hey come here, this is weird...
Ron & Hermione in unison: What is it?
Harry: It's a book called "Harry Potter Theories for Dummies."
Hermione: Who wrote it?
Harry: It doesn't say.
Ron: Open it, then.
*While suspenseful music plays, Harry slowly opens the book. There is a table of contents that list the chapters of the book.*
Harry: *reads out loud.* Chapter 1: Getting Started, the three steps of writing theories. Chapter 2: How to get your theories recognized. Chapter 3: Theories written by others. (organized by characters)
Ron: I'll read chapter 1 so we can get to the bottom of this. *opens book to chapter 1 and reads.* So you want to learn how to write Harry Potter theories, do you? If you want to write serious theories, I'd suggest closing this book now because the theories you will learn how to write in here are parody/comedic theories and are in no means meant to be taken seriously. If you have read this far without closing this book, then congratulations, you are already on your way to writing hilarious theories. Now, to get started, there are three steps you must remember when writing theories. Step 1: Choose a character or characters in which to base your theory. This character(s) can be a major or minor one(s) in relation to the characters in the Harry Potter books. *Ron stops reading immediately and drops the book.*
Harry: Harry Potter books, what are they talking about?
Hermione: *sighs* You mean you've never heard of J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books?
Harry and Ron: No.
Hermione: Well, to put it in simple terms, they're books about all of us and of Hogwarts and the adventures we go through.
Harry: Wait a minute, how can this Rowling person write about us if she doesn't go to school here?
Hermione: That's the thing, I don't know. She must have a reporter who records what goes on.
Ron: Who is it?
Hermione: I just said I don't know. It could be anyone. Rita Skeeter, an author of the Quibbler, anyone. So can we continue reading, then?
Ron: Ok. *picks the book back up and turns to Chapter 1.* Where was I...oh yeah, Step 2. *continues reading.*
Step 2: Whatever you decide to theorize on, it can't make sense or be anything that would really happen.
Step 3: No picking on Fred or George.
Ron: WHAT?
George: *walks over to the group* You caught us, we wrote the book.
Harry: Why?
Fred: Well, we didn't have any joke books for our joke shop, so we decided to write this one. We hope when you're done you'll allow us to publish it. We need your permission because the book is about the books about you.
Harry: I don't care, you can publish it.
Fred: You might want to read it first; there may be jokes about you. To tell you the truth, we really haven't had time to read the whole thing ourselves. Some of the theories were OWLed to us, so we have to double check them.
George: So why don't you continue reading Ron; we haven't got all day here!
Ron: *scowls at George but continues reading*
Chapter 2: How to get your theories recognized. Now that you know how to write a HP-based theory, the next step is to get it recognized. There are several ways in which you can do this. The first way is by posting your theories on a Harry Potter website/message board. (Don't ask.) The second way is by creating your own Harry Potter website/webpage and posting them that way. Finally, you can OWL your theories to us, Fred and George, owners of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. If your theories are any good, we will publish them in our second HP theory book. We are always looking for more theories!
Ron: I'm getting sick of reading. Will someone else read?
Harry: I will. *reads*
Chapter 3: Theories written by others. (organized by characters)
Here are some of our favorite HP based theories. We are making no money off publishing these theories, except for the ones we wrote. We would like to thank all the people who contributed their theories to make this book possible. Please note that these theories are written in the present tense. So, without further ado, pick a character and read!
Harry:*stops reading* Someone choose the character.
George: How about Snape. *everyone nods in agreement*
Harry: *turns to the page with Snape theories* (A/N: Keep in mind, these are joke theories!) I'll just read a few of them.
1. Snape asks Harry if he can adopt him.
Harry: That would never happen! *everyone else laughs while Harry looks mad*
Fred: Chill Harry, it's just a joke!
Harry: I don't want to read anymore. Someone else read.
George: Me! *reads*
2. During potions class, Snape gets in front of the class and does the Macarena.
*Everyone laughs*
3. Snape washes his hair with one of Lockhart's own brand shampoos.
Hermione: Lockhart has his own line of shampoo?
Fred: No, at least I hope not. *George continues reading*
4. Snape sneaks around at night wearing a mask and cape claiming to be Batman.
Ron: I wouldn't be surprised if that was true!
5. Something goes seriously wrong with a potion Snape is trying to make, and he jumps up onto his desk and begins dancing and singing like Ricky Martin in front of the entire class.
6. Snape's hairstyle becomes a new trend.
Harry: Now that's good! 7. Snape accidentally puts a love potion into Trelawney's cup instead of McGonagall's. *Everyone has a disgusted expression on their face* Harry: I never knew he liked McGonagall... George: Who knows if he does? It makes for a good joke though. I'll read one more. 8. Snape yells at Draco. Harry: I wish that theory would come true!
~* End of Chapter 1. If I get some reviews, I'll continue. : ) *~