Chapter 1
"Lister! Can't you see the 'No smoking' signs?" Rimmer shouted.
"Ye' I see em'." Lister replied, taking a puff of his cigarette.
"Well would you please kindly follow them? I feel like I'm in a French smoke shop!" Shouted Rimmer.
"Oh Come on, Rimmer. Can't I just have one?" Lister asked, giving Rimmer the sad eyes.
"Oh smeg off, Lister! I need to study for my exams!" Rimmer said in a bitter tone.
"What's the use, Rimmer? You're just gonna' fail em', again!" He said, emphasizing the 'again'.
"Not true!" Shouted Rimmer.
"F-I-S-H! That's how you spell fish, Rimmer." Said Lister, puffing at his cigarette and blowing the smoke in Rimmer's face.
Rimmer fanned the smoke away with his hand. "I can't take this anymore." Rimmer stepped off the bunk and out the door. There was only so much Lister he could take. The optimism, the retorts, the slobbiness, and if he had a pen, he would add smoking to the list! Where was his pen anyway? He would have to cross "Always has a pen" off his list of characteristics the next chance he got, too.
Rimmer decided to go see if the post was here yet. Maybe his weekly death threats and junk mail would distract him from Lister. Rimmer opened up his mail box and emptied out the stack of envelopes that were inside. He went through them. Junk. Junk. Junk. Death Threat. Junk. Junk. Child support statement. Junk. Junk. Wait a minute. Child support statement?! Rimmer quickly ripped open the envelope and skimmed the lines. He was astonished. Apparently he owed 400 dollarpounds in child support! Rimmer crumpled up the paper. It must have been a mistake. He didn't have a child! Very far from it, in fact! Rimmer began to chuckle at the occurrence. Him, receiving a child support statement. It was too funny! The smile didn't last very long as he soon made his way back to his quarters that he shared with Lister. The smoke filled his lungs as he remembered why he had left in the first place. "LISTER!" he shouted, while choking.
~
Rimmer laid down for bed. Lister was already snoring away. Rimmer was finally beginning to get used to the hideous sound. Why was he forced to live with such a slob? Only smeg knew. It was absolutely insane what he had to put up with day after day, night after night. Rimmer shut his eyes, thinking back to earlier that afternoon. The notice he had gotten. What a stupid mistake. It must have been another Rimmer. The thought of him with a child. The thought of him even with a wife! Well. It wasn't a bad thought. Rimmer had just never met the right girl. The girl that didn't want to vomit at the sight of him. Rimmer sighed. The only time he had ever made love was that one afternoon. Yvonne McGruder. The ships female boxing champion. It only lasted 12 minutes. Recently he had gotten the news that she was kicked off Red Dwarf. No one quite knew why, but all they knew was that she was gone. The thought of the only woman who ever went to bed with him was gone made Rimmer only slightly upset. He never really knew her.
It hit him. Maybe that child support statement wasn't a joke! He wasn't wearing a condom that day! It all made sense now. Yvonne McGruder getting kicked off the ship 9 months after that day, her weight problem. There were rumors she was beginning to get fat months after their. liaison. Rimmer sat up. She was somewhere sitting with a child, a single mother, and it was all his fault!
"Lister! Can't you see the 'No smoking' signs?" Rimmer shouted.
"Ye' I see em'." Lister replied, taking a puff of his cigarette.
"Well would you please kindly follow them? I feel like I'm in a French smoke shop!" Shouted Rimmer.
"Oh Come on, Rimmer. Can't I just have one?" Lister asked, giving Rimmer the sad eyes.
"Oh smeg off, Lister! I need to study for my exams!" Rimmer said in a bitter tone.
"What's the use, Rimmer? You're just gonna' fail em', again!" He said, emphasizing the 'again'.
"Not true!" Shouted Rimmer.
"F-I-S-H! That's how you spell fish, Rimmer." Said Lister, puffing at his cigarette and blowing the smoke in Rimmer's face.
Rimmer fanned the smoke away with his hand. "I can't take this anymore." Rimmer stepped off the bunk and out the door. There was only so much Lister he could take. The optimism, the retorts, the slobbiness, and if he had a pen, he would add smoking to the list! Where was his pen anyway? He would have to cross "Always has a pen" off his list of characteristics the next chance he got, too.
Rimmer decided to go see if the post was here yet. Maybe his weekly death threats and junk mail would distract him from Lister. Rimmer opened up his mail box and emptied out the stack of envelopes that were inside. He went through them. Junk. Junk. Junk. Death Threat. Junk. Junk. Child support statement. Junk. Junk. Wait a minute. Child support statement?! Rimmer quickly ripped open the envelope and skimmed the lines. He was astonished. Apparently he owed 400 dollarpounds in child support! Rimmer crumpled up the paper. It must have been a mistake. He didn't have a child! Very far from it, in fact! Rimmer began to chuckle at the occurrence. Him, receiving a child support statement. It was too funny! The smile didn't last very long as he soon made his way back to his quarters that he shared with Lister. The smoke filled his lungs as he remembered why he had left in the first place. "LISTER!" he shouted, while choking.
~
Rimmer laid down for bed. Lister was already snoring away. Rimmer was finally beginning to get used to the hideous sound. Why was he forced to live with such a slob? Only smeg knew. It was absolutely insane what he had to put up with day after day, night after night. Rimmer shut his eyes, thinking back to earlier that afternoon. The notice he had gotten. What a stupid mistake. It must have been another Rimmer. The thought of him with a child. The thought of him even with a wife! Well. It wasn't a bad thought. Rimmer had just never met the right girl. The girl that didn't want to vomit at the sight of him. Rimmer sighed. The only time he had ever made love was that one afternoon. Yvonne McGruder. The ships female boxing champion. It only lasted 12 minutes. Recently he had gotten the news that she was kicked off Red Dwarf. No one quite knew why, but all they knew was that she was gone. The thought of the only woman who ever went to bed with him was gone made Rimmer only slightly upset. He never really knew her.
It hit him. Maybe that child support statement wasn't a joke! He wasn't wearing a condom that day! It all made sense now. Yvonne McGruder getting kicked off the ship 9 months after that day, her weight problem. There were rumors she was beginning to get fat months after their. liaison. Rimmer sat up. She was somewhere sitting with a child, a single mother, and it was all his fault!