Harry Potter Theories for Dummies: Chapter 2
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling, Warner Brothers, Scholastic Books, etc. Also, some of the theories I use in this story are made up by me and most are from HP websites. The theories are totally comedic/parody and written as if predictions for upcoming HP books. There are OotP spoilers. Thanks to the reviewers! Vanyaria Darkshadow: Thanks for the idea; I'll use it in the next chapter. Lol, what summary do you suggest then? If you can think of a good one that's not too big, then I'll use it.
Lady Pyra, Crucia, earthly and Mithrill: Thanks, and I hope you all enjoy this chapter! It should be a bit longer than the first one!
Chapter 2: Teacher and Faculty theories
George: There's a few more Snape theories.
9. Snape has an emotional breakdown in class, and runs out saying: "I knew I should have become a drag-queen instead!! YOU STUDENTS DON'T RESPECT WHAT I GAVE UP FOR YOU!!!!!"
10. Snape hold a reunion party for all of his Gryffindor buddies from way back when.
Ron: He had friends in Gryffindor?
George: No! At least I don't think so...
11. Snape, Lupin, Dobby and Wormtail sing Lady Marmalade on Halloween.
Ron: Lady what? 12. Snape runs around carrying a camera with Colin Creevy taking pictures of Harry. Harry: NO! The last thing I need is another obsessive fan! 13. Snape, Karkaroff, Voldie, Lupin, and Dumbledore will be the new N'sync. (Dancing to Bye, bye, bye) Fred: (theatrically) The horror! 14. Snape decides "Why wear black? Hot pink is more my color!" as he pulls on fuchsia robes. George: *laughing* Here's the last one. I know you're all mad about that. *says this sarcastically* 15. Trelawney tells Snape that she predicts a baby in the future. Snape claps his hands in the air, yells out a whoop of excitement, and says, "It's about time we had a baby!" Harry: Snape likes Trelawney? Fred: *shrugs* Maybe, maybe not. That was the last one! After reading the Snape theories, the group discusses whose theories they want to read next. Harry: How about McGonagall?
Fred: No, Hagrid!
Hermione: FRED!
Fred: What?
Ron: Filch!
George: Hey, why don't we just read all the teacher/faculty theories? *Everyone nods in agreement.*
Ron: Who first then?
George: Hmm, how about Filch, there's not that many of him. *Turns to the page with the Filch theories and reads*
1. Filch actually gets a life and stops turning all the kids in for being out of bed.
Harry: Now that would be the day...
2. Filch and Madam Pomfrey decide to switch jobs.
Hermione: That wouldn't be too good!
3. Filch stands on a table in the Great Hall singing "Everybody Dance Now."
Fred: I love that song! *Starts to sing very badly*
Ron: Please spare us... *Fred scowls at Ron.*
4. Filch suddenly becomes allergic to cats, so he gets a goldfish. 5. Hogwarts gets a computer lab, so Filch sneaks in and sells all of the Hogwarts paintings on eBay. He loses his job, and Mrs. Norris is forced to become the next "Baxter" on the Meow Mix commercials to help make ends meet. Ron: Computees! Hermione: It's computers, Ron. Ron: Oh... 6. Filch joins Alcoholics Anonymous. Harry: So that's his problem! *A look of comprehension comes over his face.* George: That was all the Filch theories. Take it away, Fred! Fred: Let's see... *flips through book* Ah, McGonagall theories. There's only a couple. 1. Professor McGonagall decides to cancel the class schedule and instead throw a party. During the party, they watch the first two Harry Potter movies. Ron: Blimey! I need to lose weight! Harry: I need to gain weight! Harry: There's Harry Potter movies? Hermione: Yeah, I'll explain later. Ron: I'm not fat! Fred: This next one is kinda scary... 2. McGonagall dresses like Britney (Hit me Albus, One MOre TimE) and Snape dresses like Eminem ("My Name is Sev".... "The real greasy hair please stand up") Ron: *shivers* That is scary! Next, please! Fred: And the last McGonagall one: 3. McGonagall develops turrets syndrome which makes her shout: TIPTOE THROUGH THE TULIPS! every so often. Fred: How about Hagrid theories? Hermione: *sighs annoyingly* OK, but they had better not be too harsh! Fred: Don't worry. *looks worried and hopes that they aren't too harsh as he flips to the Hagrid theories* Ok, here we go: 1. Dobby's voice breaks and he has a deep-ness competition with Hagrid and wins. Ron: That's impossible! 2. Hagrid gets a white fluffy kitten called Bielzibub, and spends the whole year trying to convince people how frightening and interesting it is Harry: Hagrid would do that... Hermione: *looks angry* Harry: Well, he would... 3. Hagrid is caught taking a shower with his rubber ducky and sings I'm a barbie girl in a barbie world!!! Ron: AHH! I HOPE that's not true! 4. Hagrid breaks into "I'm too sexy fer me beard." Fred: HA! That's too funny! *Rolls on the floor laughing and knocks down the Christmas tree.* George: Get a hold of yourself! *pulls the Christmas tree back up as Fred wipes tears of laughter from his face* 5. Hagrid goes on the subway diet and takes Jared's place in those commercials. Fred: I made that one up. *Hermione looks disapprovingly at him.* George: Uh, back to the list, then. 6. Lucius Malfoy builds Hagrid a real house. Ron: Let's see, that'll happen when pigs fly... 7. Hagrid shrinks. 8. Hagrid becomes a ballerina. *Everyone laughs, except Hermione, of course.* 9. Hagrid wins the Bachelor of the Year Award. 10. Hagrid decides to teach interior decorating instead of Care of Magical Creatures. He has the class redesign the Great Hall to look like a 60's disco hall. Harry: Well, it would beat taking care of Blast-Ended Screwts! Ron: Yeah it would. George: Last one coming up. 11. Hagrid learns to tap-dance. Fred: I want to read again. *rips the book out of George's grip; as he does, a page rips out: the Flitwick theories page. Fred: I spent 2 hours making this book the muggle way! Ah well, I'll read the Flitwick theories. 1. Professor Flitwick dresses up like a leprechaun for Halloween and runs around the castle telling people that they taste "Magically Delicious" Hermione: Not funny! 2. Hagrid eats Professor Flitwick when he's dressed up as that leprechaun, and Hagrid says, "He wasn't so Magically Delicious." *Hermione looks like she's on the verge of tears.* Fred: They're just jokes, Hermione... Hermione: It's just that, that was sort of funny! Hagrid would never do that! *Everyone looks at her like the can't believe their ears, but she just shrugs and Fred continues reading.* 3. Professor Flitwick will get bigger than Hagrid. Harry: How would that happen? Hermione: Easy, a growth potion. Harry: Oh, yeah, duh! *smacks himself on the head* 4. Flitwick buys some platforms. Ron: For the disco hall? George: Maybe. Fred: Well, that was all of the Flitwick theories. George: Should we read one more? Fred: Sure. How about Dumbledore theories, that is if Hermione doesn't mind. Hermione: *sighs again* Fine, fine! Fred: Great! *flips to Dumbledore theories* Ok, here they are: *reads* 1. Dumbledore pulls off his mask and yells "Surprise! I'm actually Austin Powers! Yea baby! Ron and Harry: I love that movie! *they both laugh* 2. Dumbledore and Gandalf will meet and go party in Hogsmeade together. Harry: Who's Gandalf? George: Um, I think he's from a muggle book, Sword of the Sings, or something. Hermione: It's Lord of the Rings. George: Yeah, that's it! Ron: Can we continue! Fred: Geeze, Ron. *continues to read.* 3. Dumbledore becomes a Chippendale dancer and quits his job as Headmaster of Hogwarts. Harry: A what? George: You don't want to know. 4. Dumbledore retires to open an ice cream shop. Hermione: OK, so first he quits, then he retires? Fred: They're just jokes, Hermione! 5. Dumbledore decides to grant himself the DADA post. He makes Percy the new Headmaster. Ron: NOO, NOT PERCY! 6. Dumbledore shaves his beard and magically puts it under his armpits. Hermione: EW!!! Fred: OK then, moving on... 7. It's discovered that Dumbledore is the magician with the mask that was giving away all the magician's tricks on TV. Hermione: That would explain a lot! 8. Dumbledore hires a security guard, but instead he gets an old bum who just sits around getting drunk and yelling at people. Harry: Kind of like Filch... George: Exactly! *Fred continues reading.* 9. Dumbledore runs around the school throwing popcorn in the air while yelling it's snowing, it's snowing!!! George: I always sort of questioned his sanity. *Hermione yells at him.* Just kidding, just kidding. Wow, Dumbledore is easy to pick on. 10. Dumbledore ends up disliking lemon sherbets. 11. Dumbledore has a fight with his beard; of course the beard wins, so Dumbledore dyes his hair purple.
Hermione: That one doesn't even make sense!
Fred: It doesn't have to. One of the steps was that it couldn't make any sense, remember? 12. Dumbledore yells at Harry. Harry: Eek. 13. Hagrid is successful as a ballerina, so Voldemort and Dumbledore decide to become ballerinas too. Hermione: That is somewhat funny... Fred: That was all of the Dumbledore theories. *looks at his gummy/candy watch* And look at the time! George, we have to go, our joke shop is opening soon! It's the only one open on Christmas day, by the way! Harry: Not yet, I want to read the Malfoy theories! George: We'll be back tomorrow/ whenever the author has time to write a new chapter! Harry: Ok. Fred: If any of you muggles out there have ideas for theories about Draco/Crabbe/Goyle other Hogwart's students, then OWL them to us! We may use some of them in our "book!" ~* End of Chapter 2. Please read and review! Hey, that rhymed! : ) *~
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling, Warner Brothers, Scholastic Books, etc. Also, some of the theories I use in this story are made up by me and most are from HP websites. The theories are totally comedic/parody and written as if predictions for upcoming HP books. There are OotP spoilers. Thanks to the reviewers! Vanyaria Darkshadow: Thanks for the idea; I'll use it in the next chapter. Lol, what summary do you suggest then? If you can think of a good one that's not too big, then I'll use it.
Lady Pyra, Crucia, earthly and Mithrill: Thanks, and I hope you all enjoy this chapter! It should be a bit longer than the first one!
Chapter 2: Teacher and Faculty theories
George: There's a few more Snape theories.
9. Snape has an emotional breakdown in class, and runs out saying: "I knew I should have become a drag-queen instead!! YOU STUDENTS DON'T RESPECT WHAT I GAVE UP FOR YOU!!!!!"
10. Snape hold a reunion party for all of his Gryffindor buddies from way back when.
Ron: He had friends in Gryffindor?
George: No! At least I don't think so...
11. Snape, Lupin, Dobby and Wormtail sing Lady Marmalade on Halloween.
Ron: Lady what? 12. Snape runs around carrying a camera with Colin Creevy taking pictures of Harry. Harry: NO! The last thing I need is another obsessive fan! 13. Snape, Karkaroff, Voldie, Lupin, and Dumbledore will be the new N'sync. (Dancing to Bye, bye, bye) Fred: (theatrically) The horror! 14. Snape decides "Why wear black? Hot pink is more my color!" as he pulls on fuchsia robes. George: *laughing* Here's the last one. I know you're all mad about that. *says this sarcastically* 15. Trelawney tells Snape that she predicts a baby in the future. Snape claps his hands in the air, yells out a whoop of excitement, and says, "It's about time we had a baby!" Harry: Snape likes Trelawney? Fred: *shrugs* Maybe, maybe not. That was the last one! After reading the Snape theories, the group discusses whose theories they want to read next. Harry: How about McGonagall?
Fred: No, Hagrid!
Hermione: FRED!
Fred: What?
Ron: Filch!
George: Hey, why don't we just read all the teacher/faculty theories? *Everyone nods in agreement.*
Ron: Who first then?
George: Hmm, how about Filch, there's not that many of him. *Turns to the page with the Filch theories and reads*
1. Filch actually gets a life and stops turning all the kids in for being out of bed.
Harry: Now that would be the day...
2. Filch and Madam Pomfrey decide to switch jobs.
Hermione: That wouldn't be too good!
3. Filch stands on a table in the Great Hall singing "Everybody Dance Now."
Fred: I love that song! *Starts to sing very badly*
Ron: Please spare us... *Fred scowls at Ron.*
4. Filch suddenly becomes allergic to cats, so he gets a goldfish. 5. Hogwarts gets a computer lab, so Filch sneaks in and sells all of the Hogwarts paintings on eBay. He loses his job, and Mrs. Norris is forced to become the next "Baxter" on the Meow Mix commercials to help make ends meet. Ron: Computees! Hermione: It's computers, Ron. Ron: Oh... 6. Filch joins Alcoholics Anonymous. Harry: So that's his problem! *A look of comprehension comes over his face.* George: That was all the Filch theories. Take it away, Fred! Fred: Let's see... *flips through book* Ah, McGonagall theories. There's only a couple. 1. Professor McGonagall decides to cancel the class schedule and instead throw a party. During the party, they watch the first two Harry Potter movies. Ron: Blimey! I need to lose weight! Harry: I need to gain weight! Harry: There's Harry Potter movies? Hermione: Yeah, I'll explain later. Ron: I'm not fat! Fred: This next one is kinda scary... 2. McGonagall dresses like Britney (Hit me Albus, One MOre TimE) and Snape dresses like Eminem ("My Name is Sev".... "The real greasy hair please stand up") Ron: *shivers* That is scary! Next, please! Fred: And the last McGonagall one: 3. McGonagall develops turrets syndrome which makes her shout: TIPTOE THROUGH THE TULIPS! every so often. Fred: How about Hagrid theories? Hermione: *sighs annoyingly* OK, but they had better not be too harsh! Fred: Don't worry. *looks worried and hopes that they aren't too harsh as he flips to the Hagrid theories* Ok, here we go: 1. Dobby's voice breaks and he has a deep-ness competition with Hagrid and wins. Ron: That's impossible! 2. Hagrid gets a white fluffy kitten called Bielzibub, and spends the whole year trying to convince people how frightening and interesting it is Harry: Hagrid would do that... Hermione: *looks angry* Harry: Well, he would... 3. Hagrid is caught taking a shower with his rubber ducky and sings I'm a barbie girl in a barbie world!!! Ron: AHH! I HOPE that's not true! 4. Hagrid breaks into "I'm too sexy fer me beard." Fred: HA! That's too funny! *Rolls on the floor laughing and knocks down the Christmas tree.* George: Get a hold of yourself! *pulls the Christmas tree back up as Fred wipes tears of laughter from his face* 5. Hagrid goes on the subway diet and takes Jared's place in those commercials. Fred: I made that one up. *Hermione looks disapprovingly at him.* George: Uh, back to the list, then. 6. Lucius Malfoy builds Hagrid a real house. Ron: Let's see, that'll happen when pigs fly... 7. Hagrid shrinks. 8. Hagrid becomes a ballerina. *Everyone laughs, except Hermione, of course.* 9. Hagrid wins the Bachelor of the Year Award. 10. Hagrid decides to teach interior decorating instead of Care of Magical Creatures. He has the class redesign the Great Hall to look like a 60's disco hall. Harry: Well, it would beat taking care of Blast-Ended Screwts! Ron: Yeah it would. George: Last one coming up. 11. Hagrid learns to tap-dance. Fred: I want to read again. *rips the book out of George's grip; as he does, a page rips out: the Flitwick theories page. Fred: I spent 2 hours making this book the muggle way! Ah well, I'll read the Flitwick theories. 1. Professor Flitwick dresses up like a leprechaun for Halloween and runs around the castle telling people that they taste "Magically Delicious" Hermione: Not funny! 2. Hagrid eats Professor Flitwick when he's dressed up as that leprechaun, and Hagrid says, "He wasn't so Magically Delicious." *Hermione looks like she's on the verge of tears.* Fred: They're just jokes, Hermione... Hermione: It's just that, that was sort of funny! Hagrid would never do that! *Everyone looks at her like the can't believe their ears, but she just shrugs and Fred continues reading.* 3. Professor Flitwick will get bigger than Hagrid. Harry: How would that happen? Hermione: Easy, a growth potion. Harry: Oh, yeah, duh! *smacks himself on the head* 4. Flitwick buys some platforms. Ron: For the disco hall? George: Maybe. Fred: Well, that was all of the Flitwick theories. George: Should we read one more? Fred: Sure. How about Dumbledore theories, that is if Hermione doesn't mind. Hermione: *sighs again* Fine, fine! Fred: Great! *flips to Dumbledore theories* Ok, here they are: *reads* 1. Dumbledore pulls off his mask and yells "Surprise! I'm actually Austin Powers! Yea baby! Ron and Harry: I love that movie! *they both laugh* 2. Dumbledore and Gandalf will meet and go party in Hogsmeade together. Harry: Who's Gandalf? George: Um, I think he's from a muggle book, Sword of the Sings, or something. Hermione: It's Lord of the Rings. George: Yeah, that's it! Ron: Can we continue! Fred: Geeze, Ron. *continues to read.* 3. Dumbledore becomes a Chippendale dancer and quits his job as Headmaster of Hogwarts. Harry: A what? George: You don't want to know. 4. Dumbledore retires to open an ice cream shop. Hermione: OK, so first he quits, then he retires? Fred: They're just jokes, Hermione! 5. Dumbledore decides to grant himself the DADA post. He makes Percy the new Headmaster. Ron: NOO, NOT PERCY! 6. Dumbledore shaves his beard and magically puts it under his armpits. Hermione: EW!!! Fred: OK then, moving on... 7. It's discovered that Dumbledore is the magician with the mask that was giving away all the magician's tricks on TV. Hermione: That would explain a lot! 8. Dumbledore hires a security guard, but instead he gets an old bum who just sits around getting drunk and yelling at people. Harry: Kind of like Filch... George: Exactly! *Fred continues reading.* 9. Dumbledore runs around the school throwing popcorn in the air while yelling it's snowing, it's snowing!!! George: I always sort of questioned his sanity. *Hermione yells at him.* Just kidding, just kidding. Wow, Dumbledore is easy to pick on. 10. Dumbledore ends up disliking lemon sherbets. 11. Dumbledore has a fight with his beard; of course the beard wins, so Dumbledore dyes his hair purple.
Hermione: That one doesn't even make sense!
Fred: It doesn't have to. One of the steps was that it couldn't make any sense, remember? 12. Dumbledore yells at Harry. Harry: Eek. 13. Hagrid is successful as a ballerina, so Voldemort and Dumbledore decide to become ballerinas too. Hermione: That is somewhat funny... Fred: That was all of the Dumbledore theories. *looks at his gummy/candy watch* And look at the time! George, we have to go, our joke shop is opening soon! It's the only one open on Christmas day, by the way! Harry: Not yet, I want to read the Malfoy theories! George: We'll be back tomorrow/ whenever the author has time to write a new chapter! Harry: Ok. Fred: If any of you muggles out there have ideas for theories about Draco/Crabbe/Goyle other Hogwart's students, then OWL them to us! We may use some of them in our "book!" ~* End of Chapter 2. Please read and review! Hey, that rhymed! : ) *~