Harry Potter Theories for Dummies: Chapter 3: More teacher theories and
some student theories
There are OotP spoilers.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling, Warner Brothers, Scholastic Books, etc. Some of the theories I use in this story are made up by me and most are from HP websites. The theories are totally comedic/parody and written as if predictions for upcoming HP books. There are OotP spoilers. Thanks to Lara Christi for reviewing- I used some of those theories, thanks!
*Harry, Ron, and Hermione are lounging around in the Common Room on the day after Christmas; their stomachs are quite full from the feast.*
Ron: If I never hear the word "turkey" again, I'll die a happy man.
Harry: Turkey!
Ron: You're a git, Harry.
Hermione: Oh, would you two do something constructive, like get a head start on studying for the final exams!
Ron: Hermione, they're not for another six months!
Hermione: I know, but it's never to early to start studying. Honestly Ron, didn't you learn from those quotes of that homework planner I gave you?
Ron: Um...er... *There is a knock on the window.*
Harry: Oh, it must be Hedwig.
Hermione: No...it's... Fred and George. *Harry and Ron turn their heads to the window, to find Fred and George on broomsticks, hovering right outside. Their faces are blue from the cold. Ron runs over, opens the window, backs up, and Fred and George come zooming in.*
Fred: *landing with a flourish* It's about time you opened the window! I nearly froze to my broomstick!
George: *also landing and dusting snow off his clothes* Yeah, what took you so long?
Ron: Well we didn't know you'd be coming via broomstick! Why didn't you use the portrait hole?
Fred: Duh, we don't know the password you dolt!
Ron: Shut up!
Hermione: Can we please just read the theories already?
George: Yes, lets. You may find some about yourselves today. *Grins evilly at all of them as Harry gets the book from under a couch cushion*
Fred: Why'd you go hiding it?
Harry: Um...
Hermione: When Dobby found the word "Harry" and "Dummies" in the same group of words, he tried to burn it. *Harry grows red.*
George: Ha, I thought there was something odd about that house-elf...
Harry: Ok can we please carry on!
Fred: Loosen your trousers Harry, if that's possible. *Notes the fact that everyone is a bit fatter than yesterday* Now where were we... ah yes, just finishing up the teacher theories... (A/N: I'm also including Sirius theories here. I know he's dead, but let's pretend like he's not.)
George: There's just a few miscellaneous ones to go... *Finds the page they were on* Here it is.
1. Lockhart appears in the Great Hall saying "Macho, macho, men".
Harry: I didn't know he could sing.
Fred: Well duh, he just released a Christmas album.
Hermione: HE DID?
Fred: Gotcha!
George: Haha, very funny. Moving on.
2. Lockhart defeats Voldie.
Harry: Well, that'd make my job a whole lot easier!
3. Voldemort (I know: he said his name.) becomes the President of the United States; Lockhart is the Vice President. Dobby works in the White House kitchens and decides he doesn't want to be paid.
Ron: That'd be a nightmare! 4. MTV makes a studio for TRL in Hogwarts. Lockhart performs his hit song "Magical me". Ron: What's TRL again? Hermione: It's a popular show on MTV. Ron: What's MTV? Hermione: Never mind. George: 5. Snape plays the tuba.
Fred: That'd be weird!
6. Trelawney runs around shouting Awogaboogabooga, I'm gonna getcha Harry!
Harry: AH! GO ON PLEASE!
George: OK!
7. Sirius decides he likes it better in Azkaban.
Hermione: Well, he is a bit insane.
Fred: How do you know?
Hermione: It doesn't take a rocket scientist, does it?
8. Snape gets up in front of everybody wearing a sombrero and sings La Cucaracha.
Ron: What is it with making Snape sing and dance?
Fred: Because he never would, that's why.
9. Hagrid realizes he needs a new look and goes cowboy.
Harry: And I thought he couldn't get any worse than that moleskin coat. 10. Sirius and Harry finally live together and for celebration, both dance in underwear while singing, "give it away, give it away, give it away now...." Harry: *turns red again* Don't you DARE use that one in your book! Fred: Fine. *Gets out a quill and ink and scratches the theory off* 11. Sirius and Harry team up to rid the world of the Dursleys, Harry wears pants over his robes, Sirius wears leather. Harry: Finally, someone had some sense to make an intelligent theory! 12. Trelawney quits and Snape takes over Divination...he would love to predict Harry's death. Harry: No kidding. 13. President George W. Bush will make a cameo in a surprise visit to the Ministry of Magic. 14. Bilbo Baggins turns up and shouts: OH BUGGER! I'VE GOT THE WRONG FILM SET AGAIN HAVEN'T I? Fred: Those ones didn't really fit in this category, but what the hey. Ron: Billy who? Hermione: Another character from LOTR. Ron: Oh. George: That was the end of the teacher/faculty theories. Why don't we read some student theories!
Fred: Ok, but I want to read them!
Ron: No, me!
George: Ok little brother... if you think you can handle it.
Ron: *rips the book out of George's hands and finds the student theories* 1. Draco Malfoy puts a spell on the Slytherin Common Room Changing it from a dark dungeon into a brightly colored Las Vegas style casino.
Harry: That is, if he knows such a complicated spell.
2. Malfoy achieves the animagus of a fly and Trevor "accidentally" eats him!
Ron: Maybe that toad has half a brain after all... *sees Hermione's grimace* just kidding! *he adds this hastily*
3. Malfoy ditches Crabbe and Goyle and becomes best friends with Ron.
Ron: Like that would ever happen?
4. Malfoy doesn't mention his father.
Harry: He does seem to metion his father a lot, doesn't he?
5. Dudley is voted Miz Hogwarts 2004.
Harry: NOOOOO!!!!!
Hermione: How dumb; he;s not even a wizard!
Ron: Next...
6. Lee Jordan stars in a 50 cent video.
Ron: 50 who?
Hermione: He's a rap artist.
Ron: Ook. 7. Fred and George don't get in trouble.
Fred: That's definitely not going to come true.
8. Draco and Harry get into a wizarding duel and Fred slips Draco a fake wand. Draco gets thrown backward by Harry, but he laughs it off and buys 10 of the fake wands.
Fred: Hey, that's a good idea. I could make it turn into a pink teddy bear. *Gets one of those maniac-evil grins*
George: Why don't you read one about Hermione, Ron?
Ron: *blushing* No.
George: I DARE you.
Ron: No.
George: I DOUBLE DOG DARE you.
Ron: No! *This was getting serious. The only thing left was a triple dare.*
George: Then fine. I TRIPLE DOG DARE you.
Ron: f-fine. *Hermione glowers at George and Ron.* erm- 1. Hermione quits Hogwarts to get her dream job: working at McDonald's.
Hermione: That is SO not funny! *Fred and George are laughing while Ron is still red in the face.*
Fred: Read another one!
Ron: NO!
Fred: Fine, I will. Give me the book! *Yanks the book away from Ron* Hmm...
2. Hermione jumps up and down and does a dance because she's so happy that she got a 67%, which means she passed her test in potions. She tries to make Neville feel better about getting a 99% instead of a 100% on the test. Hermione: PLEASE go on! 3. Hermione starts up the Save Voldie Organization. *Harry almost laughs while Hermione looks daggers at him* 4. Hermione finally decides it's worse to wake up dead than to be expelled, so when she gets an "F" on an assignment, she shrugs her shoulders. "At least I'm still alive." Harry: How can you wake up if you're dead? George: Beats me. *Hermione isn't talking.* 5. Hermione goes on a sponsored "run-around-the-school-poking-as-many- people-as-possible-in-the-head" to save the Endangered Blast-Ended Screwt. Hermione: Ron, I'm going to get you next, you wait! ~*End of Chapter 3. Please read and review!*~ There was a small "Christmas Story" reference. I don't think it was exactly the right dialogue, but oh well. Did anyone catch it?
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling, Warner Brothers, Scholastic Books, etc. Some of the theories I use in this story are made up by me and most are from HP websites. The theories are totally comedic/parody and written as if predictions for upcoming HP books. There are OotP spoilers. Thanks to Lara Christi for reviewing- I used some of those theories, thanks!
*Harry, Ron, and Hermione are lounging around in the Common Room on the day after Christmas; their stomachs are quite full from the feast.*
Ron: If I never hear the word "turkey" again, I'll die a happy man.
Harry: Turkey!
Ron: You're a git, Harry.
Hermione: Oh, would you two do something constructive, like get a head start on studying for the final exams!
Ron: Hermione, they're not for another six months!
Hermione: I know, but it's never to early to start studying. Honestly Ron, didn't you learn from those quotes of that homework planner I gave you?
Ron: Um...er... *There is a knock on the window.*
Harry: Oh, it must be Hedwig.
Hermione: No...it's... Fred and George. *Harry and Ron turn their heads to the window, to find Fred and George on broomsticks, hovering right outside. Their faces are blue from the cold. Ron runs over, opens the window, backs up, and Fred and George come zooming in.*
Fred: *landing with a flourish* It's about time you opened the window! I nearly froze to my broomstick!
George: *also landing and dusting snow off his clothes* Yeah, what took you so long?
Ron: Well we didn't know you'd be coming via broomstick! Why didn't you use the portrait hole?
Fred: Duh, we don't know the password you dolt!
Ron: Shut up!
Hermione: Can we please just read the theories already?
George: Yes, lets. You may find some about yourselves today. *Grins evilly at all of them as Harry gets the book from under a couch cushion*
Fred: Why'd you go hiding it?
Harry: Um...
Hermione: When Dobby found the word "Harry" and "Dummies" in the same group of words, he tried to burn it. *Harry grows red.*
George: Ha, I thought there was something odd about that house-elf...
Harry: Ok can we please carry on!
Fred: Loosen your trousers Harry, if that's possible. *Notes the fact that everyone is a bit fatter than yesterday* Now where were we... ah yes, just finishing up the teacher theories... (A/N: I'm also including Sirius theories here. I know he's dead, but let's pretend like he's not.)
George: There's just a few miscellaneous ones to go... *Finds the page they were on* Here it is.
1. Lockhart appears in the Great Hall saying "Macho, macho, men".
Harry: I didn't know he could sing.
Fred: Well duh, he just released a Christmas album.
Hermione: HE DID?
Fred: Gotcha!
George: Haha, very funny. Moving on.
2. Lockhart defeats Voldie.
Harry: Well, that'd make my job a whole lot easier!
3. Voldemort (I know: he said his name.) becomes the President of the United States; Lockhart is the Vice President. Dobby works in the White House kitchens and decides he doesn't want to be paid.
Ron: That'd be a nightmare! 4. MTV makes a studio for TRL in Hogwarts. Lockhart performs his hit song "Magical me". Ron: What's TRL again? Hermione: It's a popular show on MTV. Ron: What's MTV? Hermione: Never mind. George: 5. Snape plays the tuba.
Fred: That'd be weird!
6. Trelawney runs around shouting Awogaboogabooga, I'm gonna getcha Harry!
Harry: AH! GO ON PLEASE!
George: OK!
7. Sirius decides he likes it better in Azkaban.
Hermione: Well, he is a bit insane.
Fred: How do you know?
Hermione: It doesn't take a rocket scientist, does it?
8. Snape gets up in front of everybody wearing a sombrero and sings La Cucaracha.
Ron: What is it with making Snape sing and dance?
Fred: Because he never would, that's why.
9. Hagrid realizes he needs a new look and goes cowboy.
Harry: And I thought he couldn't get any worse than that moleskin coat. 10. Sirius and Harry finally live together and for celebration, both dance in underwear while singing, "give it away, give it away, give it away now...." Harry: *turns red again* Don't you DARE use that one in your book! Fred: Fine. *Gets out a quill and ink and scratches the theory off* 11. Sirius and Harry team up to rid the world of the Dursleys, Harry wears pants over his robes, Sirius wears leather. Harry: Finally, someone had some sense to make an intelligent theory! 12. Trelawney quits and Snape takes over Divination...he would love to predict Harry's death. Harry: No kidding. 13. President George W. Bush will make a cameo in a surprise visit to the Ministry of Magic. 14. Bilbo Baggins turns up and shouts: OH BUGGER! I'VE GOT THE WRONG FILM SET AGAIN HAVEN'T I? Fred: Those ones didn't really fit in this category, but what the hey. Ron: Billy who? Hermione: Another character from LOTR. Ron: Oh. George: That was the end of the teacher/faculty theories. Why don't we read some student theories!
Fred: Ok, but I want to read them!
Ron: No, me!
George: Ok little brother... if you think you can handle it.
Ron: *rips the book out of George's hands and finds the student theories* 1. Draco Malfoy puts a spell on the Slytherin Common Room Changing it from a dark dungeon into a brightly colored Las Vegas style casino.
Harry: That is, if he knows such a complicated spell.
2. Malfoy achieves the animagus of a fly and Trevor "accidentally" eats him!
Ron: Maybe that toad has half a brain after all... *sees Hermione's grimace* just kidding! *he adds this hastily*
3. Malfoy ditches Crabbe and Goyle and becomes best friends with Ron.
Ron: Like that would ever happen?
4. Malfoy doesn't mention his father.
Harry: He does seem to metion his father a lot, doesn't he?
5. Dudley is voted Miz Hogwarts 2004.
Harry: NOOOOO!!!!!
Hermione: How dumb; he;s not even a wizard!
Ron: Next...
6. Lee Jordan stars in a 50 cent video.
Ron: 50 who?
Hermione: He's a rap artist.
Ron: Ook. 7. Fred and George don't get in trouble.
Fred: That's definitely not going to come true.
8. Draco and Harry get into a wizarding duel and Fred slips Draco a fake wand. Draco gets thrown backward by Harry, but he laughs it off and buys 10 of the fake wands.
Fred: Hey, that's a good idea. I could make it turn into a pink teddy bear. *Gets one of those maniac-evil grins*
George: Why don't you read one about Hermione, Ron?
Ron: *blushing* No.
George: I DARE you.
Ron: No.
George: I DOUBLE DOG DARE you.
Ron: No! *This was getting serious. The only thing left was a triple dare.*
George: Then fine. I TRIPLE DOG DARE you.
Ron: f-fine. *Hermione glowers at George and Ron.* erm- 1. Hermione quits Hogwarts to get her dream job: working at McDonald's.
Hermione: That is SO not funny! *Fred and George are laughing while Ron is still red in the face.*
Fred: Read another one!
Ron: NO!
Fred: Fine, I will. Give me the book! *Yanks the book away from Ron* Hmm...
2. Hermione jumps up and down and does a dance because she's so happy that she got a 67%, which means she passed her test in potions. She tries to make Neville feel better about getting a 99% instead of a 100% on the test. Hermione: PLEASE go on! 3. Hermione starts up the Save Voldie Organization. *Harry almost laughs while Hermione looks daggers at him* 4. Hermione finally decides it's worse to wake up dead than to be expelled, so when she gets an "F" on an assignment, she shrugs her shoulders. "At least I'm still alive." Harry: How can you wake up if you're dead? George: Beats me. *Hermione isn't talking.* 5. Hermione goes on a sponsored "run-around-the-school-poking-as-many- people-as-possible-in-the-head" to save the Endangered Blast-Ended Screwt. Hermione: Ron, I'm going to get you next, you wait! ~*End of Chapter 3. Please read and review!*~ There was a small "Christmas Story" reference. I don't think it was exactly the right dialogue, but oh well. Did anyone catch it?