"WARRICK!" suddenly a loud voice filters through the haze, a hard hand squeezing my shoulder, forcing me to turn around. Slowly I come to realize where I am, what I am doing.
The face I'm looking at is deeply concerned, Gil's blue eyes look angry, sad, troubled.
"Warrick, what are you doing here?"
"God, Gil... how'd ya know I was here?"
"You nearly ran me over with your car; I thought I'd better see if you could need some help. Let's get you out of here!" he grabs my chips, pulls the cards out of my restive hands and then, arm wrapped thightly around my back, Gil leads me to the exit.
I feel dizzy.
Worse than that is the shame.
Then I see them, see their faces: Nick and Sara.
I want to die.
With painful clarity I see them making a step towards us before Gil stops them with a single look. I cannot longer look at them, the contempt in Sara's eyes burns on my skin.
Gil's car.
He's driving. I look at him but his face is unreadable.
"How... why were you there?" I manage to ask. I am glad he stopped me, yet it appears like a miracle to me.
"Possible jumper."
I realize that I'm shaking. It's so bad I cannot unlock my door.
"Rick, this isn't your door." Gil chides me softly. Oh. Yeah, it's HIS. He opens the door and leads me inside.
Then everything goes too fast for me to realize:
Gil pushes me against the wall, his mouth captures mine in a savage kiss and his hands pull at my clothes. The rush is immense, washing away my dizziness and replacing it with something else: urgent need!
"Damn you, Warrick!" Gil hisses.
We stumble over to the bed, Gil undressing me as we do so. My pants pool around my ankles and I stumble, catching myself with my arms. I find myself caught in a bent-over position, arms braced against the mattress. He takes me swiftly without any foreplay and it hurts.
This is different.
This is raw.
Yet, it is what I need.
A valve to get rid of the tension, a means to get a rush equal to what I was looking for in the casino.
And Gil knows!
He's inside me, burning his way into me.
He's fire and ice.
He's punishing me, yet it liberates me.
Our sounds are as raw as the act and when Gil comes, he does so with a grunt, biting down on my back. It sends me over and I spill over his hand and onto the bed where I collapse.
Immediately Gil is with me again, holding me, hugging me with a full-body embrace. My chest is heaving with labored breathing.
I am shaking.
Still?
Again?
I have no idea...
"God, Warrick!" Gil's breath is hot on my neck, "Why haven't you called me?"
"'Cuz... you have a job to do. You can't babysit me all the time. – Nick and Sara are waiting for you."
"They get along perfectly well, I am sure. Now cut the crap, man. Why. Haven't. You.Called?"
I need some seconds to answer, "I have to deal with this. I. Not you. I must be able to handle this."
"You're such a stubborn idiot, Rick." I can see flaring anger in his eyes and for a second I am scared. He turns away, walks a few steps with his fingers combing his hair, then he returns.
The moment he left me I rolled up like an embryo. I hate me for being like this, for letting him see me like this. It's the devastating aftermath that always comes after the rush. I pull a part of the blanket over my naked body.
There he stands, looking down on me. I can see his legs, his limp sex – I dare not looking farther up, afraid of the contempt in his eyes. Or worse: disappointment.
"I'm sorry." He says, his hand gently caressing my face after he sat down again.
"What?" I'm not sure I heard him right.
"I should have guessed. I shouldn't have left you alone like I did."
"How did it happen?"
"I'm not sure. I think it was... my place was so empty and I felt so... so alone. I was different after this weekend. I was lost, somehow."
"I should have known!"
"How?"
"'Cause I felt the same. Only I'm more used to it, I suppose, being alone, I mean. I should have guessed you wouldn't feel too good."
"Oh."
"But anyway, you should have called me, Rick! This is nothing you can handle alone. Not in this early stage. That has nothing to do with babysitting. Do you hear me?"
I nod.
"I can't hear you."
"Yeah."
"Say it, Warrick!"
"It's OK, I got you."
"Say it!" Gil grabs my chin and forces me to look at him "For God's sake, Warrick: I don't want to loose you. I want to help you but you have to give me a chance!"
"I'll call you next time." There, I said it.
"Good boy." He ruffles my hair and kisses me.
The face I'm looking at is deeply concerned, Gil's blue eyes look angry, sad, troubled.
"Warrick, what are you doing here?"
"God, Gil... how'd ya know I was here?"
"You nearly ran me over with your car; I thought I'd better see if you could need some help. Let's get you out of here!" he grabs my chips, pulls the cards out of my restive hands and then, arm wrapped thightly around my back, Gil leads me to the exit.
I feel dizzy.
Worse than that is the shame.
Then I see them, see their faces: Nick and Sara.
I want to die.
With painful clarity I see them making a step towards us before Gil stops them with a single look. I cannot longer look at them, the contempt in Sara's eyes burns on my skin.
Gil's car.
He's driving. I look at him but his face is unreadable.
"How... why were you there?" I manage to ask. I am glad he stopped me, yet it appears like a miracle to me.
"Possible jumper."
I realize that I'm shaking. It's so bad I cannot unlock my door.
"Rick, this isn't your door." Gil chides me softly. Oh. Yeah, it's HIS. He opens the door and leads me inside.
Then everything goes too fast for me to realize:
Gil pushes me against the wall, his mouth captures mine in a savage kiss and his hands pull at my clothes. The rush is immense, washing away my dizziness and replacing it with something else: urgent need!
"Damn you, Warrick!" Gil hisses.
We stumble over to the bed, Gil undressing me as we do so. My pants pool around my ankles and I stumble, catching myself with my arms. I find myself caught in a bent-over position, arms braced against the mattress. He takes me swiftly without any foreplay and it hurts.
This is different.
This is raw.
Yet, it is what I need.
A valve to get rid of the tension, a means to get a rush equal to what I was looking for in the casino.
And Gil knows!
He's inside me, burning his way into me.
He's fire and ice.
He's punishing me, yet it liberates me.
Our sounds are as raw as the act and when Gil comes, he does so with a grunt, biting down on my back. It sends me over and I spill over his hand and onto the bed where I collapse.
Immediately Gil is with me again, holding me, hugging me with a full-body embrace. My chest is heaving with labored breathing.
I am shaking.
Still?
Again?
I have no idea...
"God, Warrick!" Gil's breath is hot on my neck, "Why haven't you called me?"
"'Cuz... you have a job to do. You can't babysit me all the time. – Nick and Sara are waiting for you."
"They get along perfectly well, I am sure. Now cut the crap, man. Why. Haven't. You.Called?"
I need some seconds to answer, "I have to deal with this. I. Not you. I must be able to handle this."
"You're such a stubborn idiot, Rick." I can see flaring anger in his eyes and for a second I am scared. He turns away, walks a few steps with his fingers combing his hair, then he returns.
The moment he left me I rolled up like an embryo. I hate me for being like this, for letting him see me like this. It's the devastating aftermath that always comes after the rush. I pull a part of the blanket over my naked body.
There he stands, looking down on me. I can see his legs, his limp sex – I dare not looking farther up, afraid of the contempt in his eyes. Or worse: disappointment.
"I'm sorry." He says, his hand gently caressing my face after he sat down again.
"What?" I'm not sure I heard him right.
"I should have guessed. I shouldn't have left you alone like I did."
"How did it happen?"
"I'm not sure. I think it was... my place was so empty and I felt so... so alone. I was different after this weekend. I was lost, somehow."
"I should have known!"
"How?"
"'Cause I felt the same. Only I'm more used to it, I suppose, being alone, I mean. I should have guessed you wouldn't feel too good."
"Oh."
"But anyway, you should have called me, Rick! This is nothing you can handle alone. Not in this early stage. That has nothing to do with babysitting. Do you hear me?"
I nod.
"I can't hear you."
"Yeah."
"Say it, Warrick!"
"It's OK, I got you."
"Say it!" Gil grabs my chin and forces me to look at him "For God's sake, Warrick: I don't want to loose you. I want to help you but you have to give me a chance!"
"I'll call you next time." There, I said it.
"Good boy." He ruffles my hair and kisses me.