A/N: If anyone would like to read my version of the fifth Harry Potter book
(not a parody all though there are some funny parts) e-mail me at
Snowangel1210@mailcity.com. I can only check my e-mail once in a while, so
bare with me. The reason I'm not posting it is because it'd be too time
consuming and it's 16 chapters long.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any other related indicia. Harry Potter was created by J.K. Rowling and is property of her and Warner Bros. But you knew that! I also don't own All That but you knew that too, so on with the fic already!
Chapter 4: Cookin' with Hagrid
*Camera zooms to the cooking set where Hagrid is standing front and center behind a counter and has a giant purple bowl in front of him. He's wearing a flowery apron. Standing on either side of him are Harry and Ron*
Hagrid: Welcome ter cookin' with Hagrid. Thanks ter Ron and Harry *He points to them; knocks Harry to the floor but does not notice* fer volunteering ter help me and ter test the food. *Harry and Ron gulp*
Harry: *As he's getting up and standing back on his box* N-no problem Hagrid.
Hagrid: Alrigh' now firs' we'll be makin' one o' my favorite snacks an' it's called Hagrid's best chocolate cake.
Ron: *whispers to Harry* Well that sounds safe...
Hagrid: First we'll need eggs, o' course. If you'll go get 'em Ron, they're in the fridge...
*Ron goes to get eggs from Hagrid's fridge using a footstool because his fridge is much larger than a normal sized fridge. He looks for the eggs, but to his horror, the only ones he can find are purple*
Ron: Uh, Hagrid... the eggs in here are purple...
Hagrid: I know; they're pickled eggs. Now bring 'em over. *Ron and Harry exchange nervous looks. Hagrid dumps the eggs in the gigantic bowl and starts to mix it with a large spoon while humming.* Hmm...hmm...Oh, stirrin' is so fun...hmm...hmm...hmm *McGonagall and the rest of the audience look very annoyed. All except Madame Maxime, who is giving Hagrid tips*
Madame Maxime: Hagrid you have to put more oomph into it like this. *She hums much more enthusiastically*
Hagrid: Thanks I'll remember tha' honey. *He blows her a kiss which she returns. Harry and Ron look somewhat disgusted.* Now after you've stirred yer eggs, they should look like this. *He tilts the bowl to the camera; the eggs look like a purple mush.* Now you add the butter, sugar, flour an' vanilla, which I've got under the counter.
Ron (to Harry): Those ingredients seem safe. *But Ron was wrong; what Hagrid pulled from under the counter was a great white, powdery ball.*
Harry: Uh, Hagrid... are you sure that's butter, sugar, flour and vanilla?
Hagrid: O' course I'm sure, Harry! Look, wha' I did was I rolled them all up into a ball, it was much easier, an' everythin' stuck ter the butter. *He put the ball into the bowl and stares at it for a moment. Then he asked Professor McGonagall a question.* Uh, Professor McGonagall, would it be alrigh' if I used magic, you know, ter speed this up a bit?*
Professor McGonagall: Absolutely not, Hagrid! You're not allowed to. And besides, we're on t.v.!
Harry, Ron, and Hagrid: We are? *McGonagall sighs*
Hagrid: Alrigh' then, we'll need a reinforcement. Pettigrew! *A rat scurries to the stage and transforms. Everyone screams but Hagrid. Hagrid goes and gets a stool for him. Pettigrew gets on the stool and mixes it in a minute with his magical arm, then he simply waves to the camera, shouts, "Look mom, I'm on t.v.! I bet you wish I was still your pet rat Ron, I'm a lot cooler now!" and leaves.*
Hagrid: Wai', you forgot yer reward! *Hagrid pulls a huge chunk of cheese from under the counter and throws it to Pettigrew, who has already transformed back into a rat, and the cheese falls on him* Oh tha's alrigh'. It was jus' foam anyway. *The rat crawls from a hole in the cheese (it's Swiss.) and scurries away. Filch angrily comes out again, picks up the "cheese" and stomps away.*
Hagrid: Anyway, now tha' tha's stirred we need to...*consults a long list from inside his pocket* ah... add the worms...
Harry and Ron: The what?!
Hagrid: Relax, they're on'y gummy worms. *takes a bowl of gummy worms from under the counter and adds them to the mixture* I got 'em from this great muggle candy store. They even had great big chocolate bars, almost every flavor beans, baby chick shaped marshmallows called Peeps... although' they didn't peep at all like the ones at Zonko's Joke Shop... *McGonagall yells at him; Ron looks very hungry.* Righ', sorry Professor, won't happen again.... now yeh add the worms, and mush it together like this. *Mushes the mixture together enthusiastically with his bare hands while singing, "Worms, worms, they're good fer yer heart, the more yeh eat the more yeh...(McGonagall shakes her head) get smart.*
*Hagrid continues adding such odd (and some yummy) ingredients for a cake such as jelly beans, baked beans, a cup of butterbeer, a teaspoon of mulled mead, and a box of whoever's reading this favorite cereal*
Hagrid: Righ', the mixture's done.
Harry: Er- aren't you forgetting something Hagrid?
Hagrid: Like wha'?
Harry: Like the chocolate part of the chocolate cake?
Hagrid: Chocolate cake...wha'? *Pulls the list from his pocket again* Oh...oh...oops...
Harry (nervously): What's oops?
Hagrid: O' nothin', it'll be fine. It's still a cake an' all jus' me pickled egg, candy, beans, butterbeer, mulled mead, cereal extravaganza cake...it'll be fine. (he repeated) Ron, would yeh put the cake in the oven fer me?
Harry: Don't you have to put it in a cake pan or something?
Hagrid: No, yeh see in the oven it'll change into a cake pan an'...oops...well, just put it in the oven, Ron. *Ron goes up to the oven, steps on the footstool, and puts the cake in the oven. One second later, it's miraculously done. Ron takes the already-made cake from the oven and brings it over to the counter. This magical (or pre-baked and already cut to serve) cake isn't hot at all. The counter has also somehow turned into a table and there are five plates with forks. Lockhart and Alan Rickman are sitting there.*
Lockhart: Please forgive me, but at St. Mungo's they only gave me bran muffins...
Hagrid: Tha's alright, jus' please don't do another jig...that gave me nightmares fer days...
Harry: Hmph! At least you don't have nightmares about Voldemort every night!
Lockhart: A jig? What's a jig? *Everyone ignores him and gets themselves a piece of cake.*
Hagrid: Who wants ter try it first? An' why are you here, Alan?
Alan: Well, Professor McGonagall invited me back for a bite to eat, to make up for the greasy hamburgers that were dumped on my head...but now I'm afraid I've lost my appetite. By the way, Robbie, when I left the Goodburger, the director of Die Hard 4 consulted me and asked if I wanted to do it... they said I would make more money than in these movies...and they offered you a part as my sidekick. The filming is starting in three minutes and the set is next door.
Robbie...er Hagrid OOC: Well I don't know. These movies are pretty fun to do...although the accent thing gets pretty tiring after a while...would I have to wear this itchy fake beard?
Alan: No beard.
Robbie: *claps his hands in the air and jumps up* Yippee! *rips his "beard" off* Let's go! *Alan and Robbie go to leave but Lockhart is frowning.*
Kenneth...I mean Lockhart: W-what about me? Don't I get a part?
Alan: Um...the only part left is a man with a pizza face...
Harry: HEY! THEY STOLE THAT FROM ALL THAT!
Alan: Money buys anything, kid...
Lockhart: Hmm....well it's better than playing a maniac...I think. Alright, I'll do it. *Lockhart takes a pair of dark sunglasses out of his pocket and puts them on. Robbie takes off his ridiculous apron and he, Kenneth, and Alan leave the set. Harry and Ron are left sitting there, dumbfounded. McGonagall mumbles for them to make something up.
Harry: So, er-
Ron OOC: I wonder if I could be an extra...
McGonagall: SHUT UP ABOUT THE STUPID MOVIE AND TRY THE CAKE! I wonder if I could be an extra...
Harry: Let's try the cake, then. *takes a bite and his face lights up* Mmm! This is actually good!
Ron: Really? *takes a bite too* Hey you're right... a little beany and crunchy, but good! Too bad that by leaving the set, Hagrid cancelled his contract and this recipe becomes Hogwart's property...I'll be rich! Rich I tell you!
Harry: Ron...you don't even know how to cook.
Ron: Hey, you're right. Dobby!
~*~*~*~End of Chapter 4~*~*~*~ Sorry if that one was a little too long, it went off topic a lot...please review!
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any other related indicia. Harry Potter was created by J.K. Rowling and is property of her and Warner Bros. But you knew that! I also don't own All That but you knew that too, so on with the fic already!
Chapter 4: Cookin' with Hagrid
*Camera zooms to the cooking set where Hagrid is standing front and center behind a counter and has a giant purple bowl in front of him. He's wearing a flowery apron. Standing on either side of him are Harry and Ron*
Hagrid: Welcome ter cookin' with Hagrid. Thanks ter Ron and Harry *He points to them; knocks Harry to the floor but does not notice* fer volunteering ter help me and ter test the food. *Harry and Ron gulp*
Harry: *As he's getting up and standing back on his box* N-no problem Hagrid.
Hagrid: Alrigh' now firs' we'll be makin' one o' my favorite snacks an' it's called Hagrid's best chocolate cake.
Ron: *whispers to Harry* Well that sounds safe...
Hagrid: First we'll need eggs, o' course. If you'll go get 'em Ron, they're in the fridge...
*Ron goes to get eggs from Hagrid's fridge using a footstool because his fridge is much larger than a normal sized fridge. He looks for the eggs, but to his horror, the only ones he can find are purple*
Ron: Uh, Hagrid... the eggs in here are purple...
Hagrid: I know; they're pickled eggs. Now bring 'em over. *Ron and Harry exchange nervous looks. Hagrid dumps the eggs in the gigantic bowl and starts to mix it with a large spoon while humming.* Hmm...hmm...Oh, stirrin' is so fun...hmm...hmm...hmm *McGonagall and the rest of the audience look very annoyed. All except Madame Maxime, who is giving Hagrid tips*
Madame Maxime: Hagrid you have to put more oomph into it like this. *She hums much more enthusiastically*
Hagrid: Thanks I'll remember tha' honey. *He blows her a kiss which she returns. Harry and Ron look somewhat disgusted.* Now after you've stirred yer eggs, they should look like this. *He tilts the bowl to the camera; the eggs look like a purple mush.* Now you add the butter, sugar, flour an' vanilla, which I've got under the counter.
Ron (to Harry): Those ingredients seem safe. *But Ron was wrong; what Hagrid pulled from under the counter was a great white, powdery ball.*
Harry: Uh, Hagrid... are you sure that's butter, sugar, flour and vanilla?
Hagrid: O' course I'm sure, Harry! Look, wha' I did was I rolled them all up into a ball, it was much easier, an' everythin' stuck ter the butter. *He put the ball into the bowl and stares at it for a moment. Then he asked Professor McGonagall a question.* Uh, Professor McGonagall, would it be alrigh' if I used magic, you know, ter speed this up a bit?*
Professor McGonagall: Absolutely not, Hagrid! You're not allowed to. And besides, we're on t.v.!
Harry, Ron, and Hagrid: We are? *McGonagall sighs*
Hagrid: Alrigh' then, we'll need a reinforcement. Pettigrew! *A rat scurries to the stage and transforms. Everyone screams but Hagrid. Hagrid goes and gets a stool for him. Pettigrew gets on the stool and mixes it in a minute with his magical arm, then he simply waves to the camera, shouts, "Look mom, I'm on t.v.! I bet you wish I was still your pet rat Ron, I'm a lot cooler now!" and leaves.*
Hagrid: Wai', you forgot yer reward! *Hagrid pulls a huge chunk of cheese from under the counter and throws it to Pettigrew, who has already transformed back into a rat, and the cheese falls on him* Oh tha's alrigh'. It was jus' foam anyway. *The rat crawls from a hole in the cheese (it's Swiss.) and scurries away. Filch angrily comes out again, picks up the "cheese" and stomps away.*
Hagrid: Anyway, now tha' tha's stirred we need to...*consults a long list from inside his pocket* ah... add the worms...
Harry and Ron: The what?!
Hagrid: Relax, they're on'y gummy worms. *takes a bowl of gummy worms from under the counter and adds them to the mixture* I got 'em from this great muggle candy store. They even had great big chocolate bars, almost every flavor beans, baby chick shaped marshmallows called Peeps... although' they didn't peep at all like the ones at Zonko's Joke Shop... *McGonagall yells at him; Ron looks very hungry.* Righ', sorry Professor, won't happen again.... now yeh add the worms, and mush it together like this. *Mushes the mixture together enthusiastically with his bare hands while singing, "Worms, worms, they're good fer yer heart, the more yeh eat the more yeh...(McGonagall shakes her head) get smart.*
*Hagrid continues adding such odd (and some yummy) ingredients for a cake such as jelly beans, baked beans, a cup of butterbeer, a teaspoon of mulled mead, and a box of whoever's reading this favorite cereal*
Hagrid: Righ', the mixture's done.
Harry: Er- aren't you forgetting something Hagrid?
Hagrid: Like wha'?
Harry: Like the chocolate part of the chocolate cake?
Hagrid: Chocolate cake...wha'? *Pulls the list from his pocket again* Oh...oh...oops...
Harry (nervously): What's oops?
Hagrid: O' nothin', it'll be fine. It's still a cake an' all jus' me pickled egg, candy, beans, butterbeer, mulled mead, cereal extravaganza cake...it'll be fine. (he repeated) Ron, would yeh put the cake in the oven fer me?
Harry: Don't you have to put it in a cake pan or something?
Hagrid: No, yeh see in the oven it'll change into a cake pan an'...oops...well, just put it in the oven, Ron. *Ron goes up to the oven, steps on the footstool, and puts the cake in the oven. One second later, it's miraculously done. Ron takes the already-made cake from the oven and brings it over to the counter. This magical (or pre-baked and already cut to serve) cake isn't hot at all. The counter has also somehow turned into a table and there are five plates with forks. Lockhart and Alan Rickman are sitting there.*
Lockhart: Please forgive me, but at St. Mungo's they only gave me bran muffins...
Hagrid: Tha's alright, jus' please don't do another jig...that gave me nightmares fer days...
Harry: Hmph! At least you don't have nightmares about Voldemort every night!
Lockhart: A jig? What's a jig? *Everyone ignores him and gets themselves a piece of cake.*
Hagrid: Who wants ter try it first? An' why are you here, Alan?
Alan: Well, Professor McGonagall invited me back for a bite to eat, to make up for the greasy hamburgers that were dumped on my head...but now I'm afraid I've lost my appetite. By the way, Robbie, when I left the Goodburger, the director of Die Hard 4 consulted me and asked if I wanted to do it... they said I would make more money than in these movies...and they offered you a part as my sidekick. The filming is starting in three minutes and the set is next door.
Robbie...er Hagrid OOC: Well I don't know. These movies are pretty fun to do...although the accent thing gets pretty tiring after a while...would I have to wear this itchy fake beard?
Alan: No beard.
Robbie: *claps his hands in the air and jumps up* Yippee! *rips his "beard" off* Let's go! *Alan and Robbie go to leave but Lockhart is frowning.*
Kenneth...I mean Lockhart: W-what about me? Don't I get a part?
Alan: Um...the only part left is a man with a pizza face...
Harry: HEY! THEY STOLE THAT FROM ALL THAT!
Alan: Money buys anything, kid...
Lockhart: Hmm....well it's better than playing a maniac...I think. Alright, I'll do it. *Lockhart takes a pair of dark sunglasses out of his pocket and puts them on. Robbie takes off his ridiculous apron and he, Kenneth, and Alan leave the set. Harry and Ron are left sitting there, dumbfounded. McGonagall mumbles for them to make something up.
Harry: So, er-
Ron OOC: I wonder if I could be an extra...
McGonagall: SHUT UP ABOUT THE STUPID MOVIE AND TRY THE CAKE! I wonder if I could be an extra...
Harry: Let's try the cake, then. *takes a bite and his face lights up* Mmm! This is actually good!
Ron: Really? *takes a bite too* Hey you're right... a little beany and crunchy, but good! Too bad that by leaving the set, Hagrid cancelled his contract and this recipe becomes Hogwart's property...I'll be rich! Rich I tell you!
Harry: Ron...you don't even know how to cook.
Ron: Hey, you're right. Dobby!
~*~*~*~End of Chapter 4~*~*~*~ Sorry if that one was a little too long, it went off topic a lot...please review!