Disclaimer: I don't own anything, it's all Tolkien's. I'm really sorry about the shocking poetry I am not going to attempt anymore unless they are limericks. Please be nice and give me reviews and constructive criticism. This is sort of my first effort at writing fan fiction so be kind to me. By the way, evil fanfiction administration people removed my story 'because it violated the guidelines'….grrrr…I had to start all over again. I'm really sorry to anyone who I've managed to cause an inconvenience to!
A wizened old man in gray rags sat himself inside a seedy internet café somewhere in Middle Earth and slipped the coin he had managed to scrounge into the computer and began typing.
To: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com
From: G*A*N*D*A*L*F not_magneto@istari.com
Subject: WARNING! IMPORTANT! This is not junk!
Dear Frodo,
I think that ring Bilbo gave you is the One Ring. It's very dangerous especially if you try to eat it. You'd better run. I think people who look very pissed off at you will be coming after you. By the way, don't wear it or else you'll become a flaming eyeball and try not to eat too many mushrooms won't you?
Gandalf
* * *
A frazzled looking chubby, cherubic young man typed on his laptop as he ran for his life.
To: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com, Samwise Gamgee pansy_lover@theshire.com, DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com
From: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com
Subject: CYA!
Hey guys
I'm being chased by these crazy black cloaked people at the moment and they trashed my place so I'll have to make this quick. I don't know when I'll be back so I just wanted to say goodbye. I'll be at Rivendell if you need me.
Frodo
* * *
Another young chubby, cherubic young man frowned in a very perplexed way as he began typing on his home computer.
To: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com
From: Samwise Gamgee pansy_lover @theshire.com
Subject: We're coming too
Dearest Frodo
Are you all right? Merry, Pippin and I are really worried about you. We're coming along with you to take care of you so don't worry. You'll be safe with us around.
Your friend forever,
Sam
* * *
Another chubby, cherubic young man sat in front of his home computer in nothing but his birthday suit and began typing.
To: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com
From: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com
Subject: RE: CYA!
Dude, those crazy black cloaked people…did you sleep with their girlfriends or something? Tell me all the details! Don't worry, I'll come along too, I can help you talk your way out of anything.
* * *
Another young chubby, cherubic looking young man who happened to be under the influence of a particular type of mushroom typed furiously on his lap top.
To: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com
From: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com
Subject: RE: CYA!
Dude you're not going to some WILD ELVISH party without me!
* * *
Frodo typed quickly on his laptop while he hid behind a tree from creepy men in black trying to sniff him out using their noses which happened to be non-canine and thus pretty useless.
To: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com, DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com
From: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com
Subject: What's happening
Pip and Merry,
I did not sleep with their girlfriends Pippin. I think the men in black are all gay with each other. I mean who wears coordinated matching outfits? Their PMS would explain why they are so pissed though… Anyway when we get to Rivendell, be on your best behaviour. Elves are different to you and me. So Merry, DO NOT GET HIGH ON YOUR MAGIC MUSHROOMS!
Frodo
* * *
An unkempt looking man chain smoked as he sat in front of a computer with a hood pulled over his head in the sleazy internet café of Bree and started typing.
To: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com, MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com, Samwise Gamgee pansy_lover@theshire.com, DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com
From: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com
Subject: IMPORTANT! You have to follow me
I am a friend of a friend of yours. I think you know him as Gandalf. He is held up at the moment so he wanted me to guide you dwarves to Rivendell. He also wrote this poem for you.
All that is gold is will glitter,
All those who wander in their mind are lost,
You should always pick up your litter,
To prevent global warming and something that rhymes with lost,
Try not to be so outspoken,
Too many people want the ring,
Strider a.k.a. Aragon has a sword that is broken,
So use him to help you, he's an uncrowned king.
* * *
Frodo tapped busily on his laptop, finally having found some warmth and safety in a room in the Prancing Pony Inn whilst the smelly hooded man continued chain-smoking as the other hobbits played a game of strip poker, ignoring the frustrated screeches of the crazy men in black.
To: G*A*N*D*A*L*F not_magneto@istari.com
From: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com
Subject: RE: WARNING! IMPORTANT! This is not junk!
Geez Dude
You could have told me earlier! These crazy black cloaked people trashed my place after you emailed me. Sam, Merry and Pippin decided to tag along and you forgot to tell them not to eat mushrooms, especially Merry! He got high on his special hallucinogenic ones! Those crazy black cloaked people nearly sniffed us out! There's this really smelly guy called Strider telling us to follow him and he called us DWARVES! Is he for REAL? Why is he carrying a broken sword anyway?
Frodo
* * *
A very pissed off looking Blonde elf typed swiftly on his computer; he had issues to confront…
To: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com
From: GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com
Subject: You're going DOWN!
YOU OLD COW!!! Just go steal my role because you are next to nothing in the book! I hope all your hair and teeth fall out and I sooooo did a better job than you did! Just because you have a powerful Daddy…
* * *
A very pissed off looking elf maiden with black hair typed a reply…
To: GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com
From: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com
Subject: Up yours JERK
You're just jealous because I get all the credit in the movie. Anyway I'm more photogenic and who are you calling old you old fart!
* * *
Glorfindel scowled but still managed to look beautiful as he did that because he was an elf and typed.
To: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com
From: GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com
Subject: RE: Up yours JERK
You are sooo not more photogenic!
* * *
Arwen pouted her surgically enhanced lips and typed with a vengeance.
To: GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com
From: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com
Subject: RE: Up yours JERK
AM TOO!
* * *
Glorfindel continued looking smolderingly outraged as he typed viciously.
To: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com
From: GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com
Subject: RE: Up yours JERK
AM NOT!
* * *
Arwen pouted some more as she typed quickly.
To: GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com
From: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com
Subject: RE: Up yours JERK
AM TOO!
* * *
Glorfindel smirked as he typed triumphantly.
To: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com
From: GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com
Subject: RE: Up yours JERK
AM NOT times infinity! Ha beat that!
* * *
Arwen's lower lip started to tremble as she typed sulkily.
To: GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com
From: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com
Subject: RE: Up yours JERK
I'm telling Daddy! HMMPH