Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they belong to Tolkien. However, I do own the email addresses. They don't really exist so don't try writing to them. Please keep reviewing. They (evil guidelines Nazis) said that this piece had no story line so that's why I had to put in the omnipresent third person narration stuff.
Frodo tapped angrily on his laptop while he rested in a beautifully furnished room.
To: G*A*N*D*A*L*F not_magneto@istari.com
From: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com
Subject: WHERE were you??
Gandy,
Where were you when I needed you?? Stinker was totally incompetent with that broken sword of his. We only barely managed to escape cause Sam threw his flaming saucepan at those crazy black…I mean Nazgul, well that's what Stinker said it was. Also I got stabbed by that…thing so you and Stinker are going to have to pay for my medical bills because I'm holding you both responsible. By the way, how did Stinker manage to get himself such a hot girlfriend?
Frodo
* * *
Gandalf, who happened to be sitting next to Frodo's bed, typed quickly in response.
To: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com
From: G*A*N*D*A*L*F not_magneto@istari.com
Subject: RE: WHERE were you?
I was stuck with Saruman for your information. He was so upset about his break-up with Sauron, he wouldn't let me go until he told me all the details…. Dumb snivelling girl… Apparently they'd met in a chatroom or something like that. I always told him that Internet relationships were a bad idea, you never know who or what they look like until they try to kidnap you or something like that.
By the way, I am not going to pay for your medical bills. If I had any money, I would buy myself NEW white robes! Strider is going to have a bloody kingdom's treasury of his own soon so let HIM pay Lord Elrond's medical fees. I have no idea how Strider got hooked up with Arwen either. Don't call him Stinker, it hurts his feelings and he soaked my robes this afternoon with his weeping. (Do I look like an AGONY AUNT or something!?) He's actually pretty good with a WHOLE sword so try not to piss him off too much! I heard he's getting it fixed so be warned!
* * *
Aragorn looked around stealthily as he typed quickly on the computer. Elrond had banned him from using all the computers in Rivendell.
To: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com
From: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com
Subject: Did you miss me?
My dearest love,
Did you miss me? I have to say, I missed those amazing nights we had together. *wink wink* Elves sure have a lot more experience with this kind of things than humans if you know what I mean…. ; ) Are you doing anything tonight? I'm getting really hot right this moment. Can't stop thinking about you.
Aragorn
* * *
Arwen grinned as she typed swiftly on her computer.
To: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com
From: Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com
Subject: RE: Did you miss me?
I wasn't going to do anything tonight but now…I'm wearing the purple sheer negligée that you like so much. Come over now, Daddy is busy so he won't catch us out.
Arwen
XXOOXXOO
* * *
Pippin typed with a thoughtful expression…
To: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com
From: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com
Subject: What are YOU doing tonight? ; )
Hey Blondie,
Is that an arrow in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? I'm in the room with the curly plant decorations on the door. The bed is very comfortable… ; )
Pippin
PS I will rock your world or at least the bed.
* * *
Merry took another swig of his fifth wine bottle and stared at it in confusion as it had somehow emptied itself… He shook his head, the world was spinning dangerously fast and started typing.
To: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com
From: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com
Subject: Doing anything tonight?
Hi Legolas,
Has anyone told you how hot you look in green and brown? But I think you would look a lot hotter without anything on. I'm in the room with the curly plant decorations on the door. I have a bottle of Elvish wine for us to share.
Merry
* * *
A gorgeous looking blonde elf typed on his laptop shaking his head. He had no idea how those weird little short men had managed to get hold of his email. Why couldn't it have been a bevy of beautiful elf maidens?
To: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com, DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com
From: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com
Subject: I am not doing anything
Gentlemen,
Please kindly refrain from sending me suggestive invitations or pornography. You might have noticed that all Elven males also wear their hair long, not just the females. I am afraid that I will have to decline both your invitations as I do NOT want to do anything tonight with little men who only reach up to my waist. Elven women are more my thing because a) they are a lot prettier b) are more matured and subtle in their advances and c) have a lot more experience than a bunch of half-grown hobbits.
Yes Merry, many people have told me that green and brown are my colours. No Pippin, I do not have any arrows in my pocket, I keep them all in my quiver. Seeing you does not bring me great joy either. I do not know what they said about big feet and I do not wish to find out. Please stay at least ten feet away from me in future.
Yours truly,
Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood
* * *
Pippin scowled at the computer screen at first, and then an ingenious thought came out of no where and thumped him on the head and he began to type.
To: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com
From: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com
Subject: Stay away from Legolas
Next time try to hit onto your own elf! If it hadn't been for you… Why don't you try that big hairy guy, Boringmir or whatever his name is? I think he likes you plus he has a pretty big horn for you to blow.
* * *
An extremely hung-over Merry stared blearily at the screen and started typing.
To: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com
From: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com
Subject: Legolas is all yours
I wasn't the one asking if he had an arrow in his pocket. Besides that elvish wine was really really strong. In fact I didn't even remember sending him that email. That Arwen is pretty hot isn't she? I really don't see what she sees in that Stinker dude though. So what is that Boringmir's address?
* * *
Pippin smiled smugly as he typed his reply.
To: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com
From: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com
Subject: Boringmir's address
His email address is: blow_my_horn6996@stewardsofgondor.com
He sounds like a very fun-loving guy. I think you both have a very encouraging future together so try not to spy on Legolas when he's having a BATH. Mushrooms don't grow underneath his bathroom window. You know why I know that? Because that is what I use as my excuse to be there. If you try to spy on him again…you'd better start watching your mushrooms.
* * *
A very angry looking Elf Lord frowned ferociously as he typed angrily on the computer keyboard.
To: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com
From: Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com
Subject: Arwen
Young man,
If it wasn't for Arwen threatening to kill herself, which, by marrying you she will be doing anyway, I would have hung you up by your thumbs, skinned you, chopped off all your dangly bits and broken every bone in your body before feeding you to Shelob.
Stay away from my daughter, she is much too old for you and you both share ancestors. She is your great-great-great-great-great-great-you get the idea-aunt so that makes what you both were doing incest. I will not allow it and if it happens again, I will use Vilya on you. Do not try to hide behind Arwen, do not try to run. I will hunt you down wherever you are and I will get you when you are all alone by yourself. Arwen deserves much better than you, (BIG HINT: someone who is immortal) and unless you can find the Philosopher's Stone by crossing over to the other side and back which is pretty much impossible, I shall never approve of you. Consider yourself out of the picture or consider me the Father-in law from hell.
I hope I have made myself clear.
Elrond Halfelven
Lord of Rivendell