Disclaimer: I own the email addresses and that's about it. Everything else belongs to Tolkien. I'm kind of doing this at midnight so if there are heaps of errors, sorry but I wanted to get this mostly up for everyone to read.
Lord Elrond smiled happily as he typed away. All these unwelcome misfits were finally going to stop trashing his beautiful home and hopefully come to an unfortunate end, especially Aragorn.
To: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com , Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com , NOT vertically*challenged mad_axeman54@minesofmoria.com , MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com, G*A*N*D*A*L*F not_magneto@istari.com , DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com, Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com , Samwise Gamgee pansy_lover@theshire.com, Boromir blow_my_horn6996@ stewardsofgondor .com
From: Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com
Subject: Your mission
Attention all,
You have all volunteered or have been nominated by your peers to be the Fellowship of the Ring. It is a great honour to be bestowed upon you so behave as such (Aragorn, especially you). We request that you do not ride into villages burning, pillaging and carrying off their women. It is rather unsavoury and will give us "good ones" a bad name.
The aim of this mission is to destroy the One Ring that you have in your possession. Do not try to eat it! Just because it is gold, doesn't mean there is chocolate inside it. Try not to wear it either or else you will turn into a flaming eyeball. One flaming eyeball is bad enough but a pair?! DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT allow flaming Sauron to get his hand/tentacles or whatever it is on it. Watch out for Orcs. It is quite easy to identify them; they look like ugly, overgrown dwarves (no offense Gimli). The Nazgul are still on the prowl so look out for men in black. They will all try to kill you.
The fate of the world depends on the success of this mission (no pressure) so think before you act. We are vastly outnumbered 99999999999 to 1 so try to look inconspicuous and worse come to worse, get Legolas to seduce them. May the force be with you.
Elrond Halfelven
Lord of Rivendell
* * *
A short, stumpy dwarf buried under a mound of snow pulled out a laptop from under his beard and started typing.
To: G*A*N*D*A*L*F not_magneto@istari.com
From: NOT vertically*challenged mad_axeman54@minesofmoria.com
Subject: Journey Route
Gandalf the Grey,
I would suggest a route that goes through the Mines of Moria in order to avoid freezing to death courtesy of Saruman. My cousin Balin, the Lord of Moria will give us food and shelter if he is still living there. If not, I'm sure the other occupants, the Balrog and Goblins would be kind enough to provide for us.
Gimli
Son of Gloin
* * *
Pippin grinned maniacally as he typed excitedly on Merry's laptop in pitch blackness .
To: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com , Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com , NOT vertically*challenged mad_axeman54@minesofmoria.com , MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com, G*A*N*D*A*L*F not_magneto@istari.com , Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com , Samwise Gamgee pansy_lover@theshire.com, Boromir blow_my_horn6996@ stewardsofgondor.com , Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com , Arwen Even* hot_chick246@imladris.com , GLORFINDEL RULZ arwenisabitch@imladris.com , Gollum my_preciousss@smeagol.com , Bellerog dominatrix582@minesofmoria.com , Bill the_pony@theshire.com , Count Dooku otherwiseknownas_saruman@isengard.com , Eye of S*A*U*R*O*N flaming_eyeball546@mordor.com , Nazgul men_in_black09@ringwraith.com
From: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com
Subject: PARTY!!!
Hey everyone,
You are all invited to my party. It is gonna be faabulous! Drinks and music will be provided but you'll have to bring the chicks (so far, only two are invited). Bring as many friends as you want, heck, even bring your family! It starts after dinner and is being held in Balin's Tomb, Mines of Moria.
* * *
A big snobbish looking man drank a cup of extremely strong coffee, his head throbbed furiously, and typed slowly.
To: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com
From: Boromir blow_my_horn6996@ stewardsofgondor.com
Subject: post party
Yo Merry,
What's up? That was some party last night (it was last night right?) wasn't it? I haven't partied that hard in ages! Pity about those goblin gatecrashers though, kicking us out like that. They didn't have to be so upset about not being invited. They were pretty nasty to Gimli's cousin too, decimating him like that just because he couldn't pay his rent. But that brawl between Gandalf and Bellerog was pretty impressive! She was getting pretty feisty with all that fire breathing and whip-cracking. That was some tabletop dance Legolas did wasn't it?
So when do you want to start the private fencing lessons?
Boromir