Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the email addresses, I'm not intelligent enough to invent anything else. It's all Tolkien's so give him a round of applause. Everyone feel free to give me suggestions for email addresses. I might mix and match a bit though, but I will dedicate the chapter to you as acknowledgment. You can make the addresses as outrageous as you want as long as it still holds some relevance to the character and the story/movie. This chapter is dedicated to lil-lost-one and Tarilenea (did I spell it right?) because they rock and they gave me heaps of suggestions that I used for Galadriel's email. Please keep reviewing, I will be your best friend forever and I'll shut up now because I've crapped on for way too long.
Legolas sat in front of the computer, his head was killing him and he could hardly remember what had happened at the party so he started typing in the hope that some of it might start coming back.
To: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com
From: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com
Subject: Great Party
GREAT PARTY! Had a rather disturbing dream about doing some table top dancing in front of everyone though…
* * *
Merry sipped at his third bottle of Elven wine, they were a really good cure for hangovers. He started typing…
To: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com
From: MerRy cHriSTmAs! magicmushrooms_rock@hobbiton.com
Subject: Party
Dude, GREAT PARTY, can't remember a thing except for Blondie's dance! He's ruined me for life though; no one else will ever be able to live up to his standards!
* * *
Strider snatched Merry's laptop away and started typing.
To: DA ToOkman unowhadeysayboutbigfeet69@hobbiton.com
From: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com
Subject: EXCELLENT PARTY
Mate,
That was one hell of a party, can hardly remember a thing! Had no idea, Legolas could dance like that, maybe he could give Arwen a few tips…
* * *
Frodo pulled out his laptop and started typing an email to Sam who happened to be next to him, staring with adoring puppy eyes.
To: Samwise Gamgee pansy_lover@theshire.com
From: Frodo Baggins the_one_bigfoot01@theshire.com
Subject: Gandalf
Is it my imagination or is Gandalf never around when you need him because no one knows what we're meant to do and where we're meant to go. All Aragorn wants to do is get it on with Arwen, Legolas wants to hide under a table, Pippin wants to seduce Legolas, Merry and Boromir keep running off to have their private fencing and horn blowing lessons and Valar knows what Gimli wants to do with small furry animals. This Fellowship is in shambles, the stupid ring isn't even made of chocolate and I swear you and I are the only sane people in middle earth. Creepy, fishy, grandpa is still stalking me. Do you think I can convince Gimli to get rid of Gollum if we figure out how to make fur grow on him?
* * *
Elrond typed, deleted and retyped.
To: Creepy Elf Witch* magic_birdbath@lothlorien.com
From: Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com
Subject: WARNING: 8 morons on their way!
Dear Galadrial,
Greetings my lady. I apologise very much for the tragedy that has occurred, I am afraid that I just didn't have the infinite patience and tolerance that you possess in order to deal with it properly. I do grieve and blame my mortal lineage. You see I have been having trouble with a certain dynasty (that idiot Isildur) since the War of the Rings and now the current heir is violating my daughter who is also your granddaughter. I hired a Balrog named Bellerog who was meant to decimate Aragorn while she was in disguise as an exotic dominatrix. My ingenious plan did not work since she was so drunk she tried to annihilate a senile old wizard instead. I beseech you to search for some measure of humanity in your noble elfin being and assist me in killing Aragorn (which I have every right to do as an enraged and wronged father).
Yours sincerely,
Lord Elrond Halfelven
PS By the way, eight morons are on their way. They will trash your place if you allow them to convince you to have a party. They need help. Lots of it!
* * *
A beautiful blonde Elf lady frowned disapprovingly at her computer screen as she typed furiously. She wasn't in a good mood, having just asked her mirror "who was the most beautiful elf of all". It had answered Legolas. Arwen she could handle because she'd run up enough medical bills on facelifts, etc. But that au natural boy who was undeniably blessed with good looks but had never had to lift a finger to maintain it! It was not fair! Some people just had all the luck!
To: Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com
From: Creepy Elf Witch* magic_birdbath@lothlorien.com
Subject: RE: WARNING: 8 morons on their way!
Elrond,
I am a full-blooded elf so I'm very sure that I do not have a trace of humanity in me. I hope you do realise that I am your superior and that I am not going to do your dirty work for you so you can shove it up your ass. Besides, what do I care about Arwen? She is an ungrateful brat that never comes to see her Gran. Where does she think she gets her good looks from, they're definitely not from your side of the family. If you do insist in getting rid of that smelly, horny human, could you do it after the one ring is destroyed because I see a usage for him in the process. He accidentally impales himself on a tree branch whilst running away from a horde of angry chickens and thus gives the narcissistic ringbearer a place to hide. Or it might be the other human…heck they all look the same… Make sure there are some good looking morons in the lot you're sending over. Celeborn is getting a bit too much in touch with his feminine side for my liking. He keeps trying on my clothes!
Lady Galadriel of the Golden Woods
* * *
Elrond typed very carefully, this was going to be his last hope after all.
To: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com
From: Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com
Subject: Help
Lord Celeborn,
I ask you as a fellow Elf Lord to assist me in protecting my only daughter's chastity from further damage. Could you please command some of your archers to shoot Aragorn. He is tall, smelly, and unkempt with brown hair and grey eyes. If your archers can't tell him from the other human, just shoot both of them anyway. I know you are much more compassionate than your wife who is usually very wise. Unfortunately, she still holds a grudge against me just because I am ringbearer as well. I trust that you will do the right thing. I will be forever in your debt.
Sincerely yours,
Lord Elrond Halfelven
* * *
A stern looking blonde Elf Lord laughed derisively as typed a reply to his son-in-law's email. Why did Elf maiden lingerie have to be so bloody itchy and the dresses so comfortable?
To: Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com
From: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com
Subject: No
Lord Elrond,
Give me ten good reasons as to why I should wipe your little snotty nose and kill a mortal for you because that mortal is going to die eventually. I should be kicking your sorry little ass all over Hobbiton. What should I care about your daughter's chastity when you were the one who destroyed my daughter's in the first place? I know Arwen is my only granddaughter but she never comes to see her Gramps, she doesn't even bother to send me a birthday card! That really pains me.
Lord Celeborn of the Golden Woods
* * *
Elrond stared at the computer screen for a long time before finally typing once more.
To: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com
From: Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com
Subject: RE: No
Lord Celeborn,
You asked me to give you ten good reasons as to why you should kill Aragorn for me. I shall give them to you. First of all, I am your only son-in-law so that makes me almost your son. Secondly, You have a family obligation. Thirdly, I have a ring of power and you don't. Fourthly, that makes me your superior. Fifthly, Aragorn is tarnishing your family's reputation. Sixthly, you'll have to live with the guilt forever. Seventhly, you need to step out of Galadriel's shadow. Eighthly, you are not as terrible as Galadriel. Ninthly, because you should and finally, because of all the reasons listed above. I trust that they are acceptable and valid reasons.
Lord Elrond
* * *
Celeborn held onto his aching sides as he tried to catch his breath. He started typing.
To: Creepy Elf Witch* magic_birdbath@lothlorien.com
From: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com
Subject: FWD: RE: No
I think you'll find this very amusing, Elrond sent this to me.
Lord Celeborn,
You asked me to give you ten good reasons as to why you should kill Aragorn for me. I shall give them to you. First of all, I am your only son-in-law so that makes me almost your son. Secondly, You have a family obligation. Thirdly, I have a ring of power and you don't. Fourthly, that makes me your superior. Fifthly, Aragorn is tarnishing your family's reputation. Sixthly, you'll have to live with the guilt forever. Seventhly, you need to step out of Galadriel's shadow. Eighthly, you are not as terrible as Galadriel. Ninthly, because you should and finally, because of all the reasons listed above. I trust that they are acceptable and valid reasons.
Lord Elrond
* * *
Galadriel wiped tears of mirth from her eyes as she typed a reply. She had to stop every now and again in order to recover from hysterics.
To: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com
From: Creepy Elf Witch* magic_birdbath@lothlorien.com
Subject: RE: FWD: RE: No
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaaahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahaahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahah! I have never laughed so hard until I cried until now. This is hilarious; you have to send me more stuff like this.
* * *
Celeborn smiled smugly, he loved having power over that arrogant ring-bearing son-in-law of his and started typing with much satisfaction.
To: Lord Elrond iamnotadragqueen@imladris.com
From: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com
Subject: RE: RE: No
Ha, I haven't laughed so much in ages! Even though there are about three valid reasons, the answer is still NO!