ISSUE TWO
The Roommate
A few months later, having pretty much forgotten about the alleyway incident, Johnny hops out of his little grey car, leaps over the mangled body of the homeless drunk he 'accidentally' ran over, and rushes into his shack, 777.
"Ah, back to my safe haven from the oppressive, sniveling sycophants of this consumer driven globe!" Nny exclaims, tossing his back pack in a corner, stretching his arms, fairly glad to be home…
"I'm so glad to see you FEELING happy."
… For the moment.
"Exasperated Sigh Are you STILL here?" Nny replies, all enthusiasm gone. He shoots a look at Reverend Meat sitting on the end table by the couch.
"Of course! Where else would I be?" Meat asks.
"I was hoping in the trash compactor…" Nny says contemptuously. "Hello Mr. Samsa, at least something worth while is here." Nny lies on the floor so he can inspect his emotionless roach idol scuttling along.
"Don't tell me you're still chasing after that pathetic goal?" Meat scrutinizes.
Nny gets up and hurries into the kitchen to get away from Meat's lecture on the need of human emotions. He quickly searches the kitchen to find it empty.
"DAMN! There's no Spaghettio's!" Nny yells. "I guess I'll just have to make a Brain Freezy run!" Nny starts out to his car.
"Hurry home! Don't be out too late, someone's…"
SLAM!
Johnny slams the door before Reverend Meat can finish his sentence.
~ ~ ~
Johnny gets out of his car, sucking on a Brain Freezy and carrying a bag full of Cherry Fiz Wiz. As he starts towards the front door, debating on whether or not to visit Squee, he notices a figure in a long black trench coat and sunglasses leaning on the house, a suitcase and another strange shaped case at the woman's feet.
"Who the hell are…"
"It's about time y'all got here!" The woman pipes up as he approaches her. "You said 1 AM right? I've been waiting for an hour. You're lucky I didn't have another appointment." She looks Nny over quickly. "You sounded shorter on the phone. Are you an artist?" The chick says, blowing a piece of shoulder length purple hair out of her face. "You're covered in red paint."
Nny wipes some blood off his forehead leftover from the chain smoker that took too long at the Freezy machine. "Uh, kind of. Who were you again?"
"Oh, don't tell me you forgot?" She drawls. "I'm here for the room? You advertised it in the newspaper?" She quickly adds when she notices he is still drawing a blank. She holds up a newspaper clipping. "This is 777, right? Normally I don't respond to ones labeled 'females preferred', but it was the only one in my price range… Are you sure you don't remember my phone call?"
Johnny snatches the article and quickly reads it over.
"MEAT!!!" Nny screams and rushes in his house, slamming the door in the girl's face and dropping his bag, sending Cherry Fiz Wiz rolling all over the floor.
"Yes Johnny?" Meat says innocently, Nny shoves the ad at Meat.
"WHAT IS THIS!?"
"Oh that! Yes, well, I thought some social interaction would get you off of your 'no emotions' trip and over that Devi…"
"I'M GONNA POUND YOU INTO PORCELIN DUST!!!" Nny screams, picking up a conveniently placed sledgehammer. "I DON'T WANT SOCIAL INTERACTION!"
"But you have so many empty rooms…"
"THEY'RE TORTURE CHAMBERS!"
"You could use a few extra bucks…"
"'FEMALE PREFERRED'?!?!"
"She sounded nice on the phone. And she has a background in psychology…"
"Excuse me?!" The girl barges in the house just as Nny raises the sledgehammer, her southern accented voice sounding a bit irritated. "You need to work on your people skills."
"I DON'T WANT ANY!"
"Whoa, ever hear of Prozac? So," the girl sets down her suitcases. "If y'all will just show me to my room, as I'm a tad tired and you probably… oh my," she looks around. "Y'all need to get a decorator in here quick 'cause, damn!"
"Sorry, there's been a mistake," Nny says through gritted teeth, ignoring her comment. "There's no room for rent. Now I suggest you flee while your legs still function properly."
"Hey! Hold on a gosh darn moment! I called here yesterday and you said I was the only one who called; the room was as good as mine. I just had to show up…" she snaps, pulling out an envelope. "…with the down payment. Here it is!"
"Look, I didn't put that ad in the paper, there's no room and your accent is annoying! You…" Nny starts.
"Excuse you?! You already said I could have the room and I am not leaving 'til I get it!" She shakes the envelope at him.
"You want it?!" He growls with 'one of those looks' one his face. "THEN TAKE IT!!!" He hurls the sledgehammer at her head. She easily dodges it.
"Now that…was rude," the girl says. "You need to improve your social skills."
"I NEED TO?!?! YOU'RE THE ONE BARGING INTO PEOPLE'S HOUSES!!!" Nny screams infuriated. He whips out his stun gun and attacks the girl. She kicks it out of his hand.
"BUT I DON'T ATTACK MY GUESTS EITHER!" She retorts, pulling a dagger out of her boot as Johnny retrieves the dirty stiletto he had taken from the alley. "And MY accent is annoying! At least I'm not a condescending chauvinist PIG!"
"WHO EVER SAID YOU WERE A GUEST?!" She lunges at Johnny who in turn knocks her dagger out of her hand. Nny swings at her as she just narrowly leaps out of the way.
"HEY! THAT'S MINE!" She screams and ducks again. As Nny tries to compensate, he steps on a Fiz Wiz can, slips and is sent flying down the stair well. In an attempt to regain his balance, he grabs the girl's jacket which just makes her go tumbling down the stairs after him.
Once they hit the floor, the girl gets right up and grabs a sickle from a nearby table as Nny regains his bearing. In that moment, the girl has the sickle Nny's throat, pinning him to the floor with her knee on his chest. He quickly grabs the knife he dropped and threatens her own throat with it, growling.
"Aw, poor baby, in quite a bind…now…" she wrinkles her forehead behind her broken sunglasses as she glares at him. "Wait a minute…"
"I know that voice…" Nny starts.
"YOU?!" They exclaim together. "FROM THE ALLEY?!"
"I thought I recognized you…"
"I've never met any one as SMUG as you!"
"HA!" The girl snorts humorously. "This coming from the one who claims to be that homicidal maniac. You got a name, Maniac?"
"I'm Johnny C. As you have a blade at my throat, you can call me 'Nny'."
"I'm Vicky. Pleased to meet you."
"Great. Now that we're acquainted, will you get off of me?"
Vicky realizes she's still got him pinned down with her knee.
"Oh, sorry," she chirps much too cheerily as she gets up and Nny quickly gets to his feet. She fixes her sunglasses best she can and places the sickle back on the table. "So, if you'll just show me to my room…"
"Hold on! You're not stay…" Nny starts, but Vicky ignores him and rushes up stairs and quickly returns with her bags.
"Is this it?" She opens a door.
"Are you listen to me?! I said…"
"I suppose this'll do. I'll have to redecorate," she says, looking around.
"HEY!!!"
"Here's the down payment!" Vicky shoves the envelope at Nny. "See you in the mornin'!" Vicky slams her door.
Nny stares in disbelief at what just happened. He throws the envelope down and trudges back upstairs.
"I told you she was nice," Meat says optimistically.
"Shut up," Nny collapses on the coach. "Great, now I have southern white trash living in my house. I'm sure the Doughboys would've LOVED this." Nny stifles a yawn.
"Tired Nny?"
"No, of course not. I detest sleep."
"Really Nny, will you ever listen to me? There's no way you can forever ignore the basic human functions…" Meat lectures.
But Nny has already passed out.