Disclaimer: I do not own anything (Tolkien owns it) and being penniless isn't exactly helping my position. I do however, own the email addresses and feel free to give me suggestions. I'm really sorry I haven't updated in ages but I had exams and I've been doing really badly this term but anyway, I'm on holidays now and I'm not going to think about them anymore and I am going to try to put up as many new chapters as possible.
A rather distraught looking blonde elf twirled strands of his hair in his fingers and tugged hard. He did not want to lose his job but he didn't want to date the ugly, stumpy little dwarf. What should he do? Maybe Aragorn would know… he always somehow managed to step on Elrond's toes and got away with it…Haldir began typing busily…
To: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com
From: Haldir the Immortal I_am_not_meant2die@lothlorien.com
Subject: I need some advice
Hey Strider,
I need some advice, and I mean good advice. Not like telling me that waxing my legs is less painful than shaving them. Galadriel just ordered me to take your stunted dwarf on romantic candlelit dinner. I can't be caught dead with him; do you have any idea what it will do to my reputation? It took me centuries to get to where I am now! If I disobey Galadriel she'll make me become one of Celeborn's new toy boys and do you know what THEY have to wear as a uniform? A purple sparkly g-string! I'd rather wear pink, frilly petticoats. What do you reckon I should do man?
Haldir
P.S. The password is Galadriel is the coolest and you didn't hear it from me.
* * *
Aragorn smirked as he typed self-importantly on Frodo's laptop. Oh how the hobbits gazed up at him with their soft, brown, puppy-dog eyes that were brimming over with gratitude and admiration. It really all depended on who you knew didn't it? Well, he couldn't help being the handsome, clever, popular little thing he was. He supposed he'd better reply to Haldir since he owed him one…
To: Haldir the Immortal I_am_not_meant2die@lothlorien.com
From: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com
Subject: Advice
Hey Haldir,
Thanks for the tip off! I do have some good and useful advice for you. Unless you don't mind wearing purple g-strings for the rest of your life, you'd better go out on a date with Gimli. He actually isn't that disgustingly grotesque and if you don't want to be seen with him just wear a cloak and keep it on for the whole date. If anyone asks, say you've got this rare illness that causes anyone who looks directly into your eyes to turn to stone. Sort of like a Medusa, Basilisk sort of disease. It's worked for me before.
Another thing you could do is run away from the Woods, have extensive plastic surgery to render you unrecognisable, illegally obtain a new ID and live wherever you like. That's worked for me too, that's why I have so many names and managed to look like I'm in my thirties when I'm really in my fifties.
Aragorn
* * *
Haldir shook his head at the computer screen and glanced over his shoulder furtively to make sure that Galadriel or Celeborn were making one of their unexpected inspections around the workplace. If they caught anyone surfing the Internet, they usually enjoyed hanging the culprit up by their earlobes to see how far they could stretch them. It had happened to his cousin and it was not pretty at all. The coast was clear. His fingers flew over the keyboard quickly…
To: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com
From: Haldir the Immortal I_am_not_meant2die@lothlorien.com
Subject: Re: Advice
Your advice was so good *cough cough not* you should start your own advice column. But since I really can't think of a way out of this, I am going to have to take Gimli out on a date. I shudder at the thought. What do you think I should wear?
* * *
Aragorn typed in reply, with slight irritation. Some people just couldn't appreciate the amount of thought that he'd put into those carefully typed words…
To: Haldir the Immortal I_am_not_meant2die@lothlorien.com
From: Strider lone_ranger21@uncrownedkings.com
Subject: Recommendation
Mate, maybe you should ask Legolas for advice on what you wear unless you want to go for the grunge look like me.
* * *
Haldir typed quickly on his computer, trying to look busy whilst Galadriel patrolled the office/tree/place. He thought about Aragorn's recommendation to go for the grunge look. He smiled wryly to himself, no thanks I'll pass. Legolas would definitely have more fashion sense and advice; he wondered why he hadn't asked the elf earlier.
To: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com
From: Haldir the Immortal I_am_not_meant2die@lothlorien.com
Subject: Could you help me?
Hey Legolas,
I need some advice. How would you turn a dwarf off you on a first date? Like what you would wear and say. Should I wear my hair up or down?
Haldir
* * *
Legolas rubbed his hands together in glee; all his plans were coming along magnificently. He should have been born a dark lord, he definitely would make a better one then Sauron and would be better looking and have hordes of Elven maidens waiting on him hand and foot. That was an interesting thought indeed… Frodo was sleeping so peacefully, he'd never realise that he had taken the ring until he woke up by mid-afternoon (lazy slob) and he would be miles away by then… Nah, that would just require too much effort and planning, besides, he would probably turn into a flaming eyeball eventually.
To: Haldir the Immortal I_am_not_meant2die@lothlorien.com
From: *Greenleaf* hotshot_96@mirkwood.com
Subject: RE: Could you help me?
Hey Haldir,
You know I am starting to learn a great deal about the Dwarven culture from Gimli so I should know exactly what he likes and dislikes. You are in luck my friend! If you think about it, all Dwarf women have beards, are short, stumpy and are usually unidentifiable from their male counterparts until one gets up close and personal. Naturally, Gimli would be more attracted to people who have lots of facial hair and are short and ugly. You are the opposite to all of these so he wouldn't be very attracted to you in the first place.
To further ensure that you turn him off completely, I suggest that you wear some nice smelling perfume, wear something pink and frilly and a ribbon in your hair. Dwarf women are not in touch with their feminine side at all therefore you should get in touch with yours. I guarantee that he will be running screaming and pulling at his beard by the end of the night! You should also try to appear intellectual because all dwarves are dumb and be as charming as possible, they have no manners whatsoever so he'll believe that you are plotting something against him.
Serenading him is a must; he will be totally embarrassed by the public humiliation. Have fun!
Legolas
* * *
Galadriel laughed evilly as she forwarded all the emails she had accessed from Haldir's account to her husband. These were as good as the ones he sent her from Elrond begging for help.
To: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com
From: Creepy Elf Witch* magic_birdbath@lothlorien.com
Subject: You'll love these!
Click on the attachment to view the text.
* * *
Celeborn's side were still aching from laughing hard when he'd read the attachment that Galadriel sent him about two hours ago.
To: Creepy Elf Witch* magic_birdbath@lothlorien.com
From: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com
Subject: RE: You'll love these
These are great, I couldn't stop laughing but you really should learn how to use your birdbath/mirror/bowl of water to spy on other people instead of hacking. Saruman and Sauron have managed to learn how to work their palantirs.
Legolas is a cunning little boy isn't he? Someone should give him a good spanking…
* * *
Galadriel scowled at the computer screen and typed swiftly in reply
To: Lord Celeborn nothinwrongwithdragqueens@lothlorien.com
From: Creepy Elf Witch* magic_birdbath@lothlorien.com
Subject: Don't you dare spank him
No way can you have that spunky underage son of Thranduil's. He is mine, MINE!!! I'M SPANKING HIM, understand? Don't try messing with me or else I'll use Nenya on you.
* * *