ISSUE THREE

Sucky Music, Bleeding Ears and Hair Gel

            Vicky bounces up the stairs as she puts away her lipstick in her purse and fixes her alternate pair of sunglasses, dressed in her black clubbing tank top and tight leather pants which shows off her skinny build.

            "Yo Nny! Where's your…" She spots him lying on the couch; or falling off is more accurate. Only half his body is actually on the couch and from the puddle of drool coming from his mouth, Vicky can tell he's asleep. With an annoyed sigh, she picks up a glass of water and dumps it on his head. He falls off the couch with a yelp.

            "WHAT THE HELL…"

            "Mornin' Glory! Or Night Glory rather as its 10 o'clock…" Vicky says, leaning over and raising an eyebrow at his bewildered face. "Sleep well?"

            "Wha? Sleep? Where the…" Nny looks up Vicky. "Fuck, I was hoping you were just a nightmare…"

            "Whatever," she chirps, straightening up. "Well get up and find your keys; we're goin' out!"

            "What?!" Nny sits up.

            "Well I don't have a car and as it's in the next town over we certainly can't walk to the club!" Vicky bubbles.

            "CLUB?!"

            "Of course! Where else would we go?"

            "I'm not going to any club…"

            "Oh yes you are!" Vicky snarls.

            "I HATE CLUBS!"

            "You hate a lot of things…" She observes, immediately calmer.

            "They're vile, disgusting…" Nny starts.

            "That's nice. Let's go!" Vicky chirps and starts towards the door.

            "I'm NOT going anywhere!" Nny stands up.

            "Look, you need to improve your social skill and as your in home psychiatrist, I plan to do just that!"

            "You, a psychiatrist?"

            "Well, I'm not licensed but I did take some classes..."

            "Really? You went to college?"

            "For a year…" Vicky trails off. "I think…maybe…"

            "I'M NOT GOING TO ANY CLUB!" Nny screams, giving her the evil eye. Vicky rams him against the wall, thoroughly ticked.

            "Yes you ARE!!! I refuse to live with an anti-social freak and since I'm NOT going anywhere, you BETTER shape the hell up!" She fixes her purse, smiles sweetly, and grabs Nny's keys off the end table. "I'm drivin'!" She walks out the door.

            Nny growls, extremely pissed. Meanwhile, Meat starts laughing his head off. Nny starts to turn on him.

            "You better shut…"

            "JOHNNY! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE! DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE AND DRAG YOU OUT!!!"

            Johnny storms out the door.

~          ~          ~

            Vicky parks the car with a jerk, one wheel on the curb, in front of a neon lighted dance club called 'SCHIZO' and stops to check her lipstick before getting out of the vehicle. Johnny, for the first time in his life absolutely terrified, clutches the dashboard (which now permanently has his hand prints pressed into it), wishing he hadn't used the seat belts to strangle that midnight jogger. Vicky bounces over to his door and opens it.

            "Well, you comin'?" She says quickly before walking off towards the door. Nny takes a moment to hold himself back from cutting her feet off then reluctantly follows, slamming the car door behind him.

            "This place is disgusting," Nny comments, looking at the tribal dancing occurring in front of him. "We might as well have gone to a zoo."

            "Alright, seeing as this is your first time here," Vicky starts to instruct him, completely ignoring everything he was saying. "I suggest you stay to the back of the crowd. If you get anywhere near the stage, you'll get torn apart; that's where the crazy people go. There's a bar there, but only pathetic losers hang out there all night, so only stay there in 5 minute intervals. Now should you be asked to dance…"

            "WHOA! Hold it! I'm NOT dancing!"

            "Hm, yeah, you're right. I should've given you a make-over before we left…" Vicky replies misinterpreting as she looks him over. "Let's see…" She pulls a tube of hair gel out of her purse and a plastic comb.

            "What the hell are you doing?"

            She grins insanely, squeezing some gel out of the tube and attacking Nny's hair.

            "HEY! GET OFF! DON'T TOUCH ME! ACK!" He screams trying to fight Vicky off. She's too quick though and succeeds in giving him one of those gelled-spiked looks instead of his usual hair-going-everywhere looks. Vicky inspects her job, wiping the excess gel on a napkin.

            "Well, it's the best I can do, considerin' the circumstances…" She says.

            "WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!" He screams, looking in a mirror on the wall.

            "Alright, you try to make some friends. I'll be off enjoying myself," Vicky says, turning to go. "I'll be back in a bit to check up on you and make sure you're not being a wallflower. And I have your keys so don't be going anywhere!" She smiles sweetly behind her sunglasses, and then waltzes off.

            "I'M GONNA…THAT WOMAN…ARGH!" Nny growls, making choking motions as she walks away towards the stage. Trying to control his anger and keep his emotions in check, he wanders over to the bar and sits at one of the stools. The guy next to him blows a cloud of smoke in Nny's face; Nny grimaces.

            "Nice hair," the smoker says to Nny after another drag. "Your girlfriend drag you here?" Nny cringes.

            "Uh, kind of…"

            "Yeah, same here. But what ya gonna do?" The smoker claps Nny on the back. "If didn't come, I'd be sleeping on the couch cough."

            "Don't touch me."

            "Here, let me get you a beer." The smoker calls the bartender over.

            "I don't drink."

            "Nah, it's on me!" The smoker gags through a couch.

            "I said…" Nny growls.

            "Hey calm down! Hack, Cough I heard! I'm not deaf!"

            Nny finally snaps, grabs some plastic sword toothpicks off the counter and shoves them in the smoker's ears.

            "Now you are," Nny says, walking away as the smoker screams.

            Johnny trudges through the crowd, looking for Vicky and in a very murderous mood, the revolting techno not helping any. He just spots a purple head, when the current song ends and a DJ comes on the mic.

            "And now, the girl you're all been waiting for, our first live set of the evening, the one and only, SLUTNEY QUEERS!" He announces. The crowd sounds with a mix of cheers and overwhelming boos.

            "OH MY BLEEDING EARS! NOOOOOO!!!" Nny screams in angst, covering his ears. He quickly abandons his search for Vicky and rushes out the nearest door. As he hurries down the hall, Nny spots a door labeled 'Dressing Rooms'. Nny smiles and slips in.

~          ~          ~

            "Thank you everyone, and good night!" Queers says with false sincerity to the audience as she hurries off the stage. She throws her mic at the nearest techie and rushes to her dressing room.

            "UGH! I'm so tired of these stupid gigs. I have to talk to my agent," She complains, rushing in the room and sitting down in front of the vanity, not bothering to even close the door. She starts brushing her hair and continues to bitch; not noticing as the door slowly starts closing by itself.

            "This place is so not MTV. I can't believe…" She pauses when she hears the lock click. "Who's there?" She looks in the mirror, not turning around and sees some guy with spiked blue-ish black hair, recognizing it to be her boyfriend. For some reason he's dressed weird though. "Jeff, there you are! Don't you go on stage in five?"

            "I'm not 'Jeff'. My name…"

            "Oh, you must be that look-alike stalker again." She sigh, pissed off. "I don't know how the hell you got back here, but you better…" Queers starts, still not turning around. She's cut off by a pair of tweezers piercing through her eardrum. The 'look-alike' puts his head over her shoulder and grins in the mirror.

            "Your voice makes my ears bleed. I want to return the favor," he says, picking up some eyelash curlers and inspecting them.

            A few moments later, Johnny walks out of the dressing room, covered in gore,  discarding a bloody voice box. He starts toward the exit when he's stopped by a techie.

            "JEFF! There you are! We've been looking all over for ya man!" He says.

            "What? My name's not Jeff…" Nny starts.

            "Oh yeah, the whole 'alter ego' thing, gotcha. Dude, what are you covered in?" The techie babbles. Nny starts to answer. "Never mind that. You're supposed to be on the stage! Let's go!" The techie starts shoving Nny down the hallway, putting a headset mic on him at the same time. "And where the hell did ya get those clothes? Ugh, I'm gonna be in so much heat 'cause of you!"

            Before Nny has a chance to say another word, getting quite pissed but trying to restrain himself, the techie shoves him on stage with four other guys and rushes off.

            "Who the hell are you?" Nny asks the other guys, all four of them dressed in matching blue suits and holding canes.

            "Ha ha Jeff. Come on, we got a show to do!"

            "My name is NOT… show?" Just then, the curtain on stage goes up.

~          ~          ~

            "Honestly, I thought this club had better music. So far the line up sucks," Vicky says to her new found acquaintance (who unfortunately was quickly irritating her) as the announcer introduces the 'Crack street Boys'. "Great, more pop star wanna bees."

            As the curtain goes up, the beginning chords to a song starts a group of guys wearing matching blue suits break into a dance step. Well, all except the one guy dressed in black.

            "Hm, that one looks familiar…" Vicky says, pointing out the one in black.

            "Who, Jeff?" The girl asks, squeaking a little toy she had in her hand.

            "You actually know their names? That's sick," Vicky criticizes.

            Nny, meanwhile, stands at the back of the stage, stares at the weirdoes trying to dance in front of him, and attempts to get off. One of the guys, however, grabs his arm as he starts off.

            "Jeff, where're ya goin'? Your solo's comin' up!" The guy says. Nny grabs the cord off the guy's mic and it around his neck.

            "FOR THE LAST TIME, NY NAME IS JOHNNY, NOT JEFF!" Nny screams, as he tightens the chord.

            "Oh my giddy aunt…" Vicky says in disbelief.

            "OH NO! HE'S KILLING BOB!" Her friend squeaks her toy.

            "That's my roommate! DAMN IT!" Vicky yells. "I try an' find a nice club an' he goes killin' the band! Sigh They sucked anyway…" Vicky starts heading toward the stage as mass hysteria ensues.

            Nny lets the body slump to the floor, grabs the cane the guy was dancing with, and continues to maim the rest of the band. Vicky fights her way up to the stage as Nny pokes the last singer's eyeballs out.

            "What the hell are you doin'?" Vicky demands, jumping on the stage.

            "They kept calling me 'Jeff'," Johnny says, pulling off his headset and tossing it aside.

            "Jeff, who the hell name's their child 'Jeff'?" Vicky asks.

            "I was thinking the exact same thing…" Nny starts as another man comes on the stage.

            "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" He screams and rushes over to one of the fallen band members. "BOB! IT'S ME, JEFF! WAKE UP!"

            "So you're 'Jeff'. You know with that hair-do, you do kinda look like him, Nny…" Vicky comments. Nny simply shoves the cane through the guy's throat. Another round of screams comes from the crowd and they start running towards the exits. Vicky looks at the group of people running like chickens with their heads cut off.

            "JOHNNY! Why did you have to kill them on stage?! This totally cuts into my night!" Vicky screams. Then she sits on the floor as a stream of tears comes out from behind her sunglasses. "I just try to make some friends, and everything goes wrong!! WHYYYYY!!! AM I FOREVER DOOMED TO BE ALONE?! WAAAAAHHH!"

            Nny stares at her in disgust for a moment then pokes her shoulder.

            "When you're finished, can we leave? The screaming is starting to bother me and you still have my keys."

            "UGH! Fine!" Vicky stands up, completely over her brake down. She walks past Nny and jumps off the stage starting toward the exit. Nny reluctantly follows, as she's his only way home.

            A bouncer stops them on the way out.

            "YOU TWO ARE IN DEEP SHIT!" He says.

            "Pardon us," Vicky says, totally calm. "We're parked in a no parking zone, could this wait till another time?"

            "WHAT? You two are responsible for the stampede that just occurred! The po…" Vicky snaps his neck before he can finish.

            "I JUST WANT TO GO HOME! WHY WILL YOU NOT LET ME GO HOME?!" She continues out the door. Nny rushes up beside her.

            "Do you have some kind of mental problem I should know about?"

            "Well, my psych teacher in college was trying to kick me out of class 'cause he said I had a dangerous mood swing disorder with extreme violent tendencies and I was unfit to council other people. I stabbed him with an envelope opener and dropped out of school after that," Vicky says matter of factly. "I mean me, insane? HA!" She said, taking the keys out of her purse and starting up the car as she gets in. Nny gets in the passenger's side when he has a revelation.

            "There's a psycho driving my car… this can't goooOOOOOOD!!!!" Nny screams as Vicky burns rubber in a 180 degrees turn and heads back to house #777.