"Dissension In The Ranks"
Author's Notes: Main character(s): Archer, Tucker, Malcolm...Beta: Nope...Spoilers: The Expanse
Disclaimer: Paramount owns them and makes money on them. I borrow them and make new friends.
For those who see Archer as being too intense or too harsh and abrupt with Tucker, I have attempted to put your minds at ease. Go forth and watch the rest of the season and don't take Archer's jibes to heart. Perhaps there is more than we see and hear.
***
JON
There comes a time in everyone's life when we wrestle with the problem of dividing our time to spend enough with each of our friends.
Most people will swear they have only one best friend with others they label endearingly as close friends. But I know, from first hand experience, one can actually have two best friends but with varying degrees of intensity and emotion.
Of course, as one said previously mentioned best friend and yours truly, being spurned Best Friend #1 is the pits. It is only in retrospect that I can objectively assess the situation and take a good look at the part I played in sliding down to Best Friend #2.
For a time there I was not even sure I was still in any favorable ranking. Trip Tucker can be brutal when it comes to payback. Well, I guess, so can I. Funny, now that I think about it, he quite possibly learned that trait from me.
So, I'm not a quick study on subtlety. I didn't pick up on any vibes that told me Trip was replacing me. It was one blatant act that crushed me harder than if Trip had come right out and told me himself.
***
TRIP
I never thought I'd ever wonder where I stood in Jonathan Archer's eyes. Our friendship was a constant in my life that kept me focused both in life and career. When that 'sure thing' became questionable I lost faith in the sanctity of best friendship. Then I lost Lizzie.
Now that I look back on it all... Okay, now that I'm forced to look back on it all, I was blamin' myself for havin' screwed up royally where my uniform was concerned. That in turn put a void as big as this dang Expanse into a cherished relationship. But it wasn't my entire fault. I was bein' pushed away. I was.
Aw, I don't even know if the pushin' away was intentional, or just the strain of this mission into the Delphic Expanse. But it's neither here nor there, I guess. It was happenin' and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.
***
MALCOLM
Far be it from me to be pompous and presumptuous enough to think I am anywhere minutely qualified to give advice on drifting friendships. Flailing is a more appropriate word here. I do not have much experience in close knit relationships, so as an outside observer I objectively saw what was happening.
After the cogenitor incident; for which I was only made privy to the dreadful conclusion when Trip got drunk one night shortly after the news of his sister's death; Trip and the Captain were familiar in each other's presence. Gone, though, was the closeness and warmth that emitted from them when they were together.
Oh, they had tried a little hiking excursion on that planet shortly afterward, but it was to test the waters. I do not think they expected to be battered about by the current.
I did not realize to the fullest extent how damaged their friendship was until after we had gone back to Earth for the refit on Enterprise. Trip had asked me to accompany him to his hometown and view the devastation. I had asked him if the captain would be joining us and he told me Captain Archer was too busy with meetings and Starfleet.
I had no reason to question the captain's absence. The captain of the only ship capable of going after the cold-blooded Xindi would be quite busy. It was not until Captain Archer cornered me in the gym and asked me how Trip had taken to seeing the destruction with his own eyes that I knew there was a serious problem. It is a conversation I will never forget.
***
Malcolm Reed pumped harder than he had intended. He was sweating profusely and gripping tightly for support as if to gain more strength to continue.
Jonathan Archer entered the gym and caught sight of the only other occupant. A towel was draped across hunched over shoulders and by the grimace on the rider's face, the exercise bicycle was putting up one hell of a fight.
As Archer slid onto the cycle next to Reed, he glanced over. Malcolm gave a slight nod as his eyes briefly shifted sideways to acknowledge his captain.
"You trying to pedal that thing clear through to the lower deck?" The captain grinned, taking up his own but slower rhythm.
Malcolm slowed down and sat up, taking a towel corner and wiping away the perspiration from his eyes. He placed his hands on his thighs and matched Archer's pace.
"No, sir." Malcolm puffed. "Just working off steam."
Jonathan nodded, knowingly. "How did he take seeing it?"
Reed shrugged his shoulders. "I know it was hard for him, but he just pointed out where buildings used to be. It was quite depressing, but I believe he was still seeing those places."
"Did he talk about her?" Archer asked with a sigh.
"Yes." Malcolm answered. "Told me about when they were young how Lizzie used to scream if he tried to leave her behind when he went to the cinema."
Archer half-smiled, but stared at the floor. Reed sensed the upset and maybe even guilt the captain felt for not being there for his friend.
"It's a shame you couldn't make it, sir." Malcolm finally said. "But I know he understood. You were quite busy with Starfleet matters."
Archer's frown and stare took Reed by surprise. He hardly expected to see confusion on the captain's face.
"Busy?" Jon managed to ask. "He told you I was too busy?"
"Well," Malcolm now stopped pedaling following Jon's lead. "Yes, sir. I understand and so does he..."
"He never asked me, Malcolm."
It hit Reed square in the pit of his stomach. The pain behind that statement was evident in the tone and more clearly on Captain Archer's face. Trip had not asked his best friend of ten years to accompany him to see the destruction of his hometown? The place where his own younger sister had perished?
"Oh, sir," was all Malcolm could say.
"I haven't been much of a comfort to him these last few weeks." Archer admitted. "I don't blame him. I've been wrapped up in my own duties. And I guess I was still upset with him about the incident." His voice trailed off.
"You did what you had to do, sir." Reed found himself saying. "Your duties as commanding officer of this ship are to reprimand your crew when warranted. That you had to do it is not open for discussion."
"But it is open to question?" Archer looked over at Reed.
"Not the dressing down per say, but perhaps to the extent you took it and the way you let it end." Reed boldly offered, then added. "With all due respect, sir."
"He told you all of it?" Archer cautiously inquired.
"He was drunk one night." Malcolm began. "I found him in the mess early one morning. I took him back to his quarters and he just started talking. About Lizzie, about the cogenitor. I don't even know if he remembers he told me."
"What did he say?" Jon asked, almost afraid to ask. "About me?"
Malcolm sighed, not sure he was right in telling the captain any of this. But he knew the friendship was in trouble and he did not want to see it destroyed.
"He was upset that the cogenitor took their life." Reed said. "But he was more upset that what he did caused you to lose favor with him. He said disappointing you hurt just as much as the death he caused. He had never thought about the outcome of his actions. Trip knows he's impulsive, but he never thought it would ever cause another their life. And the loss of the respect of his best friend."
The captain jerked his leg over the bicycle and hopped down. He started to shift his weight from foot to foot.
"I didn't lose respect for him." Archer said through clenched jaws. "I was disappointed in him. In myself, maybe. I've never really told him how concerned I get when he impulsively does or says things. It scares me, Malcolm. Always has. That he'd say the wrong thing in front of a higher ranked officer that wouldn't take kindly to it. That'd he'd do something to endanger his life."
Malcolm Reed scrubbed his face with his towel. He took a deep breath and fixed his eyes on a superior officer, who surprisingly for him, he had come to think of as a friend.
"Tell him."
Simply and plainly put together those two words packed a powerful punch. Malcolm was always a man of few words.
"I can't." Jonathan Archer admitted, letting a sigh out that made his shoulders sag.
"Because it would negate the chastising, sir?" Reed asked.
"No." The captain shook his head. "The reprimand stands and he knows it. But telling him why I didn't come to him afterwards as a friend to console him is something I can't do."
"Why not?"
"Because it was my own damn pride that prevented me from doing what I should have." Archer revealed. "And that is more selfish than even Trip would ever think I could be. By the time the Xindi attacked Earth and Lizzie was gone we had drifted too far apart".
"Tell him, sir." Malcolm pressed. "He will understand. You both are very stubborn and prideful men. If anyone understands either of you best it is the other."
Archer let the smile tugging at the corner of his lip form a brief grin. Malcolm Reed was a very good friend and Trip was lucky to have him as one.
"I hope Trip treats you better than I have him." The captain stated.
Malcolm shrugged his shoulders and smiled now. "Not always, but I'm not one to talk. I am not exactly a teddy bear myself, sir."
"I knew you two forged a special bond when you froze your butts off on shuttlepod one." Archer moved closer and leaned on the exercise cycle. "I'll admit I was a bit jealous in the days that followed while you both recuperated and found solace together. But I got over it."
"Sir, Trip needs you not me." Reed blurted out. "I can't possibly emotionally center him like you can. He just...I was just the next logical choice."
Archer shook his head. "You're his best friend now. He chose you to go planet side with him today to share that very private moment."
"Captain," Malcolm tried to protest.
"It's all right, Lieutenant." The captain squared his shoulders and straightened. "That's probably how it should be. After all, I am the captain. Whether I like it or not, duty comes first. Now more than ever."
Reed lowered his head feeling defeated. He never asked for this position in Trip's life. Not that he didn't value it, but he never wanted to come between the captain and commander. He had a small history compared to the one the two of them shared between them.
"Please, sir?"
The captain had made his way to the door when he heard the quiet plea. He stopped, not turning around, but acknowledging the effort all the same.
"Don't do this." Malcolm swallowed, his throat rough. "If there is one thing that being under your command has taught me; it's that separation of duty and personal feelings is possible. Only one must not suffer for the other. Don't take the easy way out and quote duty to me, sir. I don't buy it. You're afraid."
Archer whirled around glaring with a tight expression on his face. How dare his officer call him a coward. Afraid?
Reed braced himself. He knew he had quite possibly crossed the line here, but he just could not let this go. It was too important. They were too important to him.
The captain thought long and hard about what his armory officer had said. Afraid?
"And what do you think I'm afraid of, Lieutenant?"
"Coming clean with Trip and having him not forgive you." Malcolm wiped his face again. "That he would, to your face, dismiss you personally. You'd rather let it go as it is."
"I don't back down to confrontation." Archer defended.
"I know that, sir." Malcolm smiled warmly. "You've proven that countless times and if you did you would never have gotten this command."
Jonathan Archer ran his hands through his hair, scrubbing the thoughts from his mind. "There's no getting around this, is there?"
"Not any longer, sir." Reed replied.
"Do you know where he is?"
"Mess hall." Reed answered. "Something about a date with a slice of heaven."
Archer let out a breathy laugh. "Pecan pie."
Malcolm nodded with a smile and watched as the captain turned back to the door. Without any further words he opened the door and left.
***
JON
Standing here, just inside the doorway of the mess, I can see him sitting there hunched over an unsuspecting piece of pie. The way he's jabbing it with his fork you'd think it was a chore rather than a joy.
But I guess joy hasn't really been in Trip's sights even peripherally lately. He's angry, hurt and feeling helpless. I guess we all are to some degree, but his goes much deeper.
As I approach him, his back to me, I wonder if this is a mistake.
"Trip?"
TRIP
My head snapped up so fast I nearly got whiplash. He walks around front so I can see him. I take a big gulp of milk to wash down the glob of pie stuck to the roof of my mouth.
***
"May I sit down?" Archer asked.
"Your ship, Cap'n." Trip shrugged his shoulders and resumed eating his pie.
"My command." Archer corrected. "I've always thought of Enterprise as our ship."
"The refits are almost complete." Trip offered nervously ignoring the sentiment. "Guess we'll be shoving off soon. Can't wait to get on our way."
The captain leaned back in his chair and stretched his feet out before him.
"How are your folks?" Jon inquired.
"Doin' all right." Trip wiped his mouth on his napkin. Not able to let this spark of normalcy in their interaction go by, his mouth crooked up at one corner as he replied. "Thank you for askin', sir."
It was genuine, soft and low. But the acknowledgement of the sentiment seemed to be in surprise.
"I do care." The raspiness in Jon's voice made him clear his throat.
Trip let his fork drop clanging loudly onto his plate in the near empty room. He folded his hands together and rested his forehead on them. He stared at the table below him, not wanting the captain to see his eyes brimming with tears.
"Is that what you came here to say?" Trip whispered.
Jon sighed and leaned forward into the table and rested his forearms on the surface.
"These few months have been the worst." Jon began. "We've messed up diplomatically and personally until we can't see straight."
"We've?" Trip asked. "How'd you screw up diplomatically? I'm the one that caused another's death..."
"We!" Jonathan shot back. Looking around anxiously he lowered his voice even though there was no one else present. "We, Trip. I was just as much to blame as you were."
"Aw, the hell you were!" Trip raised his head causing a few tears to spray outward from the corners of his eyes. "You didn't go stickin' your nose where it didn't belong!"
"Trip," Jon shook his head. "It wasn't just your doing. I never put my foot down hard enough where your impulsiveness was concerned. Hell, I never wanted to have to! That's what makes you who you are! Your curiosity is innocent and pure, always has been. I never wanted to smother you. But it did scare the hell out of me at times."
Trip nodded slightly. "Made for one helluva bumpy ride in our careers. And a crash and burn in our friendship."
"Oh, Trip." Jon felt the tears welling up in his eyes, but fought to keep them hidden. "I don't know what you want me to say."
Trip pushed his chair back and stood. "Well, there isn't much to say, Cap'n. I disappointed you. But I won't do it again and certainly not on this mission. I can't afford to. Lizzie deserves better from her big brother. And I aim to do right by her...sir."
With that Trip grabbed his plate and glass and walked to the return. He turned and left the mess without a backward glance or halt in his step.
Jonathan Archer watched his friend leave feeling more helpless than when he had arrived. He knew there was too much pain to get through for this to be resolved in one night. But it hurt to think that Trip Tucker thought their friendship was irreparable.
***
TRIP
So here I am starin' out into space. I thought I'd get to bed early, but that isn't gonna happen.
After chewin' the fat with Jon I was wound so tight I shot outta the mess like a slingshot slapped me in the ass. Ran right to the safety of my quarters and then just vegged out.
Part of me wishes he would've just let it be. Left us be. It's painful knowin' he's just as confused 'bout our situation. But at least he tried. Gotta give him that one.
This whole damn mission's turned 'round since those bastards struck Earth. I know I don't have the market cornered on anger, sorrow and pain. Ev'ryone 'board Enterprise knew someone or knew someone that knew someone who died that day. We all feel the helplessness and violation of the attack from terrorists with no regard for innocent life; just an agenda that is horrific in its' generalization of an entire people as their enemy.
But I still feel alone in my grief. I grieve for seven million people and their families. I grieve for Lizzie and the life she never got to live to the fullest. I grieve for my family in their fear of another attack and havin' to go 'bout their ev'ryday lives with a hole from Lizzie's absence as big as the one that sliced through Florida to Venezuela.
Geez, I wish he could've just come by once to see how I was or just be with me. But he never did. Crap, I grieve for myself an' havin' my best friend too proud to...Aw, hell.
***
JON
Porthos always knows when I need consoling. He has a way of nuzzling up to my hip and then placing his muzzle on my thigh. He stares up at me with those big watery, brown eyes, licking his lips as if he's mouthing out 'What's wrong?'.
Well, Porthos, what's wrong is your old man is a horse's ass sometimes. I may be able to command a starship and lead my crew with seeming certainty and strength. But personally, where Trip's concerned, I can be pretty downright cruel. I bet if I treated you the way I have Trip lately you would've turned around and bit me right on my righteous ass. Would serve me right.
Why do I feel we have to talk it out? I mean, maybe he's just waiting for me to pick up where we left off before the whole Cogenitor mess. If I did and he accepted, then maybe we could move on or past all of this tension between us.
I don't want to go on this way. I'm angry with the Xindi and what they've done. I just don't know how I can keep focused on who I am and what type of captain I want to be if I keep letting this anger out. I need Trip and his friendship to balance me so I can be the captain I have been, even though the mission we now embark on is much more emotionally charged.
But what if he won't accept me, Jonathan Archer, back into his life? Maybe Malcolm was right. I could be afraid of finding out whether or not Trip can forgive me. That's a scary thought. Trip not forgiving me, not me being afraid. Crap. I am afraid. Damn, why can't I just go to him?
***
MALCOLM
Trip commed me a little while ago. He asked if I wanted to go to the gym and wrestle. I told him I had already exercised this evening. He sounded disappointed, so I told him I'd like to stop by his quarters and hang out.
I wonder as I walk down the corridor whether or not the captain attempted to reconcile with Trip. By the tone of the commander's voice, I'd say not. Or, maybe the attempt was made and failed. Now that would be tragic. We all have enough on our minds with our new course to avenge Earth. We don't need turmoil within the confines of this ship.
Trip Tucker does not need any more weight on his shoulders. He's had more than his share of negative emotion resulting, life altering news. He needs to be reassured that his friends are there for him. Although even I have tried and he's cut me down for attempting to console him with inquiries about a memorial for Lizzie. But I still don't fault him for it. He's hurting. He needs his friends. He needs Jonathan Archer. Instead, he has me.
***
"I really never thought about it, Malcolm." Trip sighed, stretching his bare feet out to curl his toes on the wrung of the desk chair before him.
Malcolm had pulled the chair over next to the bed to chat with Trip. The latter was sitting on the bed clad only in his sweat pants.
"Why not?" Reed asked quietly.
"Shoot," Trip shook his head. "Don't ask somethin' ya already know the answer to. It's like you're patronizin' me."
"Sorry." Malcolm shifted in his chair uncomfortably. "I didn't mean it that way."
"Oh," Trip waved his hand in the air. "No, I'm sorry. I know ya didn't."
Tucker leaned on his bed and pushed back, swinging his legs onto the bed and propping himself up against the wall with pillows. Reed took that move as an invitation to get more comfortable himself and got up.
"Mind?" Malcolm asked as he stood next to the opposite end of the bed.
Trip shook his head watching as Malcolm sat on the bed, leaving one foot on the floor but lying on his side and supporting his head with his hand.
"Yeah, I really wanted to wrestle 'im." Trip admitted.
"So, it wasn't that you didn't think of asking the captain to the gym." Malcolm expounded. "It was that you didn't ask him because..."
"Because we aren't 'xactly civil lately." Trip scrunched up his mouth and then added. "Well, not much."
"Trip, maybe the captain is just as afraid to approach you as you are to him."
"He did."
Reed sat up now. "Oh."
"Just kinda didn't go all that well in the end." Trip sniffed and wiped his nose habitually. "I think he was tryin' to figure out how to talk to me like Trip. Ya know, not Commander Tucker who needs a pep talk. He did ask 'bout my folks, though."
"Well, that's encouraging." Malcolm lightly tapped Trip on the knee with his knuckles. "Isn't it?"
"I think I shot 'im down."
"Oh," Malcolm replied. "Not so encouraging."
"Archer to Commander Tucker."
Both men sat up straight staring wide-eyed at the other. Trip gathered his wits and leaned over to press the com panel button.
"Tucker here...sir."
"Report to my ready room immediately. Archer out."
The proverbial pin did not drop but it would've been heard thunderously in the room if it had.
"At this hour?" Malcolm asked disbelieving.
"Uh, guess I better get dressed." Trip let out a nervous laugh as he jumped to his feet and rushed to grab a fresh uniform.
***
The chime reverberated throughout the room. Captain Jonathan Archer sighed and looked up at the door from his desk chair. He had tried not to think this meeting through. It was instinct that had caused him to com his chief engineer and summon him. Now that the moment was at hand, he wondered if this would be a new beginning or an end to a decade's old friendship.
"Enter."
The door slid open to allow a very jumpy Commander Charles Tucker III inside. He moved in to stand before the desk.
"Please sit down." Archer offered with a gesture of his hand.
Tucker carefully slid into the chair behind him and clasped his hands on this lap. Being offered a seat was promising. The time was not concerning him. In fact, the commander wasn't that surprised. He was, however, thoughtful of the location and found it a bit intimidating.
"I'm sorry for the late hour, but I had to...well," Archer tried to explain. "I just thought this needed to be said."
"Sir?" The commander managed in a meek voice.
"I'm angry." The captain said. "I have a feeling in my gut that only knows relief from releasing that anger. It started with the cogenitor. And it intensified with the attack on Earth."
"Sir..."
"Let me finish." Archer held up his hand. "Then you can say your peace. The anger I had about the cogenitor incident wasn't directed at you. It was more about me, than you. I told you that I never wanted to put restrictions on you or to suppress your impulsiveness. Well, that was my mistake and I was angry at my lack of leadership. And I couldn't see what the cogenitor's death had done to you; what I was doing to you."
Trip began to shift in his chair, his hands wringing in an attempt to hold back the emotions that flooded his senses.
"Then the attack on Earth and Lizzie just made the anger stronger." Jon got up and moved to the front of his desk. He leaned back with his hands resting on the desk's edge. "And again I didn't see what all of it was doing to you. I think we've gone passed where apologies will make it all better. Got any ideas?"
"I don't know." Trip's voice trembled slightly. "I mean, I screwed up with Charles, the cogenitor. I killed..."
"No, no." Jon interrupted forcefully. "I think what you did was inappropriate and harmful. But the cogenitor took their own life, Trip."
"Because I showed them things they never had seen before!" Trip raised his voice.
"Yes, yes you did." Jon kept his voice level. "But did you really have to push that hard? Or was the cogenitor eager and willing right from the start?"
Trip sat back with his shoulders slumped. He hadn't really thought about it that much. But the cogenitor did jump at the chances he offered to experience new things. He looked up at Archer, his eyes wide with new possibilities.
"The cogenitor was capable of so much so fast." Jon continued. "Being so smart, maybe you just put a little water on seeds of unrest. Even if you hadn't interfered, could it have only been a matter of time before they would have rebelled?"
Trip was stunned into silence. He couldn't deny this argument. In no way was this going to wipe away his feeling of responsibility, but at least maybe he didn't have to take it in full.
"Now," Jon picked up. "I know this mission is going to be harder than anything we've ever faced together. And I also know that I will probably be a grumpy cuss at times. With the higher vested interest in avenging Earth that you have, I know you might get hotheaded more than usual. I need to know that at those times, when I lose myself, you'll take me aside in private and remind me. And you know I'll do the same for you. We'll do that because we're friends and we care."
"I know, sir." Trip quietly replied. His eyes were misting over and he inhaled deeply to gather his composure. "I just thought I'd really made ya lose respect for me..."
Jon bolted forward from his perch on his desk, dropping to his knees in front of Trip. When the latter lowered his head and tried to turn away, Archer grabbed Tucker by the shoulders and ducked his head to make eye contact.
"Never." Jon said through gritted teeth. "I can't explain it except there's that saying about people always hurting those closest to them. I guess that can explain it, but it doesn't excuse it. So, can we agree to just be there for each other? Even if we seem distant and I get harsh with you in front of the others, we still can keep each other in check in private? Okay?"
Trip sighed and nodded, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. Jon rose to his feet as Trip followed and the two stood staring at each other.
"It's pretty late. We should get some sleep." Jon advised.
"I haven't been able to do that lately." Trip said shyly.
"Oh," Jon exclaimed in concern. "Phlox can help."
"Yeah," Trip nodded. "I thought of that. Might do it, if it keeps up."
"Well, go get changed and you can come to my quarters and we can watch a movie or whatever." Jon offered.
Trip smiled. "I'd like that."
Jon smiled broadly and clapped Trip on the back. "See ya in bit."
As Trip made his way to the door slowly, he stopped and turned back to face Jon.
"How come ya called me here?" Trip asked.
"I just thought maybe if it didn't go well..." Jon confessed. "Oh, I guess this room was where the distance began. If it didn't end here, then I didn't want it to be in any other part of this ship."
"Fair nuff." Trip agreed.
"Oh and Trip?" Jon quickly called out. "I know Malcolm's become a very good friend, maybe even a best friend and that's fine with me..."
"Jon," Trip stared back with a hurt expression. "Malcolm's a good friend, a close friend. He always will be. But no matter how much we argue, fight and even hurt each other...you'll always be my best friend. Unless you don't want the job anymore. And for awhile there, I really thought you didn't."
"Not a chance, Trip." Jon smiled warmly and was glad when he saw Trip return the grin. "Now get going. I'm breaking out the refreshments when I get to my quarters and no one hates warm beer more than you do."
"I'm outta here!"
***
JON
I wish I could say I won't be abrupt and harsh on this mission, but I can't truthfully. I wish I could say Trip won't act impulsively and possible get himself seriously hurt on this mission, but I can't truthfully. But I know and he knows we'll be there for each other in the end.
As long as we both know where we stand, that's all that matters. To hell with what anyone else thinks. We know and we won't ever forget again.
THE END
Author's Notes: Main character(s): Archer, Tucker, Malcolm...Beta: Nope...Spoilers: The Expanse
Disclaimer: Paramount owns them and makes money on them. I borrow them and make new friends.
For those who see Archer as being too intense or too harsh and abrupt with Tucker, I have attempted to put your minds at ease. Go forth and watch the rest of the season and don't take Archer's jibes to heart. Perhaps there is more than we see and hear.
***
JON
There comes a time in everyone's life when we wrestle with the problem of dividing our time to spend enough with each of our friends.
Most people will swear they have only one best friend with others they label endearingly as close friends. But I know, from first hand experience, one can actually have two best friends but with varying degrees of intensity and emotion.
Of course, as one said previously mentioned best friend and yours truly, being spurned Best Friend #1 is the pits. It is only in retrospect that I can objectively assess the situation and take a good look at the part I played in sliding down to Best Friend #2.
For a time there I was not even sure I was still in any favorable ranking. Trip Tucker can be brutal when it comes to payback. Well, I guess, so can I. Funny, now that I think about it, he quite possibly learned that trait from me.
So, I'm not a quick study on subtlety. I didn't pick up on any vibes that told me Trip was replacing me. It was one blatant act that crushed me harder than if Trip had come right out and told me himself.
***
TRIP
I never thought I'd ever wonder where I stood in Jonathan Archer's eyes. Our friendship was a constant in my life that kept me focused both in life and career. When that 'sure thing' became questionable I lost faith in the sanctity of best friendship. Then I lost Lizzie.
Now that I look back on it all... Okay, now that I'm forced to look back on it all, I was blamin' myself for havin' screwed up royally where my uniform was concerned. That in turn put a void as big as this dang Expanse into a cherished relationship. But it wasn't my entire fault. I was bein' pushed away. I was.
Aw, I don't even know if the pushin' away was intentional, or just the strain of this mission into the Delphic Expanse. But it's neither here nor there, I guess. It was happenin' and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.
***
MALCOLM
Far be it from me to be pompous and presumptuous enough to think I am anywhere minutely qualified to give advice on drifting friendships. Flailing is a more appropriate word here. I do not have much experience in close knit relationships, so as an outside observer I objectively saw what was happening.
After the cogenitor incident; for which I was only made privy to the dreadful conclusion when Trip got drunk one night shortly after the news of his sister's death; Trip and the Captain were familiar in each other's presence. Gone, though, was the closeness and warmth that emitted from them when they were together.
Oh, they had tried a little hiking excursion on that planet shortly afterward, but it was to test the waters. I do not think they expected to be battered about by the current.
I did not realize to the fullest extent how damaged their friendship was until after we had gone back to Earth for the refit on Enterprise. Trip had asked me to accompany him to his hometown and view the devastation. I had asked him if the captain would be joining us and he told me Captain Archer was too busy with meetings and Starfleet.
I had no reason to question the captain's absence. The captain of the only ship capable of going after the cold-blooded Xindi would be quite busy. It was not until Captain Archer cornered me in the gym and asked me how Trip had taken to seeing the destruction with his own eyes that I knew there was a serious problem. It is a conversation I will never forget.
***
Malcolm Reed pumped harder than he had intended. He was sweating profusely and gripping tightly for support as if to gain more strength to continue.
Jonathan Archer entered the gym and caught sight of the only other occupant. A towel was draped across hunched over shoulders and by the grimace on the rider's face, the exercise bicycle was putting up one hell of a fight.
As Archer slid onto the cycle next to Reed, he glanced over. Malcolm gave a slight nod as his eyes briefly shifted sideways to acknowledge his captain.
"You trying to pedal that thing clear through to the lower deck?" The captain grinned, taking up his own but slower rhythm.
Malcolm slowed down and sat up, taking a towel corner and wiping away the perspiration from his eyes. He placed his hands on his thighs and matched Archer's pace.
"No, sir." Malcolm puffed. "Just working off steam."
Jonathan nodded, knowingly. "How did he take seeing it?"
Reed shrugged his shoulders. "I know it was hard for him, but he just pointed out where buildings used to be. It was quite depressing, but I believe he was still seeing those places."
"Did he talk about her?" Archer asked with a sigh.
"Yes." Malcolm answered. "Told me about when they were young how Lizzie used to scream if he tried to leave her behind when he went to the cinema."
Archer half-smiled, but stared at the floor. Reed sensed the upset and maybe even guilt the captain felt for not being there for his friend.
"It's a shame you couldn't make it, sir." Malcolm finally said. "But I know he understood. You were quite busy with Starfleet matters."
Archer's frown and stare took Reed by surprise. He hardly expected to see confusion on the captain's face.
"Busy?" Jon managed to ask. "He told you I was too busy?"
"Well," Malcolm now stopped pedaling following Jon's lead. "Yes, sir. I understand and so does he..."
"He never asked me, Malcolm."
It hit Reed square in the pit of his stomach. The pain behind that statement was evident in the tone and more clearly on Captain Archer's face. Trip had not asked his best friend of ten years to accompany him to see the destruction of his hometown? The place where his own younger sister had perished?
"Oh, sir," was all Malcolm could say.
"I haven't been much of a comfort to him these last few weeks." Archer admitted. "I don't blame him. I've been wrapped up in my own duties. And I guess I was still upset with him about the incident." His voice trailed off.
"You did what you had to do, sir." Reed found himself saying. "Your duties as commanding officer of this ship are to reprimand your crew when warranted. That you had to do it is not open for discussion."
"But it is open to question?" Archer looked over at Reed.
"Not the dressing down per say, but perhaps to the extent you took it and the way you let it end." Reed boldly offered, then added. "With all due respect, sir."
"He told you all of it?" Archer cautiously inquired.
"He was drunk one night." Malcolm began. "I found him in the mess early one morning. I took him back to his quarters and he just started talking. About Lizzie, about the cogenitor. I don't even know if he remembers he told me."
"What did he say?" Jon asked, almost afraid to ask. "About me?"
Malcolm sighed, not sure he was right in telling the captain any of this. But he knew the friendship was in trouble and he did not want to see it destroyed.
"He was upset that the cogenitor took their life." Reed said. "But he was more upset that what he did caused you to lose favor with him. He said disappointing you hurt just as much as the death he caused. He had never thought about the outcome of his actions. Trip knows he's impulsive, but he never thought it would ever cause another their life. And the loss of the respect of his best friend."
The captain jerked his leg over the bicycle and hopped down. He started to shift his weight from foot to foot.
"I didn't lose respect for him." Archer said through clenched jaws. "I was disappointed in him. In myself, maybe. I've never really told him how concerned I get when he impulsively does or says things. It scares me, Malcolm. Always has. That he'd say the wrong thing in front of a higher ranked officer that wouldn't take kindly to it. That'd he'd do something to endanger his life."
Malcolm Reed scrubbed his face with his towel. He took a deep breath and fixed his eyes on a superior officer, who surprisingly for him, he had come to think of as a friend.
"Tell him."
Simply and plainly put together those two words packed a powerful punch. Malcolm was always a man of few words.
"I can't." Jonathan Archer admitted, letting a sigh out that made his shoulders sag.
"Because it would negate the chastising, sir?" Reed asked.
"No." The captain shook his head. "The reprimand stands and he knows it. But telling him why I didn't come to him afterwards as a friend to console him is something I can't do."
"Why not?"
"Because it was my own damn pride that prevented me from doing what I should have." Archer revealed. "And that is more selfish than even Trip would ever think I could be. By the time the Xindi attacked Earth and Lizzie was gone we had drifted too far apart".
"Tell him, sir." Malcolm pressed. "He will understand. You both are very stubborn and prideful men. If anyone understands either of you best it is the other."
Archer let the smile tugging at the corner of his lip form a brief grin. Malcolm Reed was a very good friend and Trip was lucky to have him as one.
"I hope Trip treats you better than I have him." The captain stated.
Malcolm shrugged his shoulders and smiled now. "Not always, but I'm not one to talk. I am not exactly a teddy bear myself, sir."
"I knew you two forged a special bond when you froze your butts off on shuttlepod one." Archer moved closer and leaned on the exercise cycle. "I'll admit I was a bit jealous in the days that followed while you both recuperated and found solace together. But I got over it."
"Sir, Trip needs you not me." Reed blurted out. "I can't possibly emotionally center him like you can. He just...I was just the next logical choice."
Archer shook his head. "You're his best friend now. He chose you to go planet side with him today to share that very private moment."
"Captain," Malcolm tried to protest.
"It's all right, Lieutenant." The captain squared his shoulders and straightened. "That's probably how it should be. After all, I am the captain. Whether I like it or not, duty comes first. Now more than ever."
Reed lowered his head feeling defeated. He never asked for this position in Trip's life. Not that he didn't value it, but he never wanted to come between the captain and commander. He had a small history compared to the one the two of them shared between them.
"Please, sir?"
The captain had made his way to the door when he heard the quiet plea. He stopped, not turning around, but acknowledging the effort all the same.
"Don't do this." Malcolm swallowed, his throat rough. "If there is one thing that being under your command has taught me; it's that separation of duty and personal feelings is possible. Only one must not suffer for the other. Don't take the easy way out and quote duty to me, sir. I don't buy it. You're afraid."
Archer whirled around glaring with a tight expression on his face. How dare his officer call him a coward. Afraid?
Reed braced himself. He knew he had quite possibly crossed the line here, but he just could not let this go. It was too important. They were too important to him.
The captain thought long and hard about what his armory officer had said. Afraid?
"And what do you think I'm afraid of, Lieutenant?"
"Coming clean with Trip and having him not forgive you." Malcolm wiped his face again. "That he would, to your face, dismiss you personally. You'd rather let it go as it is."
"I don't back down to confrontation." Archer defended.
"I know that, sir." Malcolm smiled warmly. "You've proven that countless times and if you did you would never have gotten this command."
Jonathan Archer ran his hands through his hair, scrubbing the thoughts from his mind. "There's no getting around this, is there?"
"Not any longer, sir." Reed replied.
"Do you know where he is?"
"Mess hall." Reed answered. "Something about a date with a slice of heaven."
Archer let out a breathy laugh. "Pecan pie."
Malcolm nodded with a smile and watched as the captain turned back to the door. Without any further words he opened the door and left.
***
JON
Standing here, just inside the doorway of the mess, I can see him sitting there hunched over an unsuspecting piece of pie. The way he's jabbing it with his fork you'd think it was a chore rather than a joy.
But I guess joy hasn't really been in Trip's sights even peripherally lately. He's angry, hurt and feeling helpless. I guess we all are to some degree, but his goes much deeper.
As I approach him, his back to me, I wonder if this is a mistake.
"Trip?"
TRIP
My head snapped up so fast I nearly got whiplash. He walks around front so I can see him. I take a big gulp of milk to wash down the glob of pie stuck to the roof of my mouth.
***
"May I sit down?" Archer asked.
"Your ship, Cap'n." Trip shrugged his shoulders and resumed eating his pie.
"My command." Archer corrected. "I've always thought of Enterprise as our ship."
"The refits are almost complete." Trip offered nervously ignoring the sentiment. "Guess we'll be shoving off soon. Can't wait to get on our way."
The captain leaned back in his chair and stretched his feet out before him.
"How are your folks?" Jon inquired.
"Doin' all right." Trip wiped his mouth on his napkin. Not able to let this spark of normalcy in their interaction go by, his mouth crooked up at one corner as he replied. "Thank you for askin', sir."
It was genuine, soft and low. But the acknowledgement of the sentiment seemed to be in surprise.
"I do care." The raspiness in Jon's voice made him clear his throat.
Trip let his fork drop clanging loudly onto his plate in the near empty room. He folded his hands together and rested his forehead on them. He stared at the table below him, not wanting the captain to see his eyes brimming with tears.
"Is that what you came here to say?" Trip whispered.
Jon sighed and leaned forward into the table and rested his forearms on the surface.
"These few months have been the worst." Jon began. "We've messed up diplomatically and personally until we can't see straight."
"We've?" Trip asked. "How'd you screw up diplomatically? I'm the one that caused another's death..."
"We!" Jonathan shot back. Looking around anxiously he lowered his voice even though there was no one else present. "We, Trip. I was just as much to blame as you were."
"Aw, the hell you were!" Trip raised his head causing a few tears to spray outward from the corners of his eyes. "You didn't go stickin' your nose where it didn't belong!"
"Trip," Jon shook his head. "It wasn't just your doing. I never put my foot down hard enough where your impulsiveness was concerned. Hell, I never wanted to have to! That's what makes you who you are! Your curiosity is innocent and pure, always has been. I never wanted to smother you. But it did scare the hell out of me at times."
Trip nodded slightly. "Made for one helluva bumpy ride in our careers. And a crash and burn in our friendship."
"Oh, Trip." Jon felt the tears welling up in his eyes, but fought to keep them hidden. "I don't know what you want me to say."
Trip pushed his chair back and stood. "Well, there isn't much to say, Cap'n. I disappointed you. But I won't do it again and certainly not on this mission. I can't afford to. Lizzie deserves better from her big brother. And I aim to do right by her...sir."
With that Trip grabbed his plate and glass and walked to the return. He turned and left the mess without a backward glance or halt in his step.
Jonathan Archer watched his friend leave feeling more helpless than when he had arrived. He knew there was too much pain to get through for this to be resolved in one night. But it hurt to think that Trip Tucker thought their friendship was irreparable.
***
TRIP
So here I am starin' out into space. I thought I'd get to bed early, but that isn't gonna happen.
After chewin' the fat with Jon I was wound so tight I shot outta the mess like a slingshot slapped me in the ass. Ran right to the safety of my quarters and then just vegged out.
Part of me wishes he would've just let it be. Left us be. It's painful knowin' he's just as confused 'bout our situation. But at least he tried. Gotta give him that one.
This whole damn mission's turned 'round since those bastards struck Earth. I know I don't have the market cornered on anger, sorrow and pain. Ev'ryone 'board Enterprise knew someone or knew someone that knew someone who died that day. We all feel the helplessness and violation of the attack from terrorists with no regard for innocent life; just an agenda that is horrific in its' generalization of an entire people as their enemy.
But I still feel alone in my grief. I grieve for seven million people and their families. I grieve for Lizzie and the life she never got to live to the fullest. I grieve for my family in their fear of another attack and havin' to go 'bout their ev'ryday lives with a hole from Lizzie's absence as big as the one that sliced through Florida to Venezuela.
Geez, I wish he could've just come by once to see how I was or just be with me. But he never did. Crap, I grieve for myself an' havin' my best friend too proud to...Aw, hell.
***
JON
Porthos always knows when I need consoling. He has a way of nuzzling up to my hip and then placing his muzzle on my thigh. He stares up at me with those big watery, brown eyes, licking his lips as if he's mouthing out 'What's wrong?'.
Well, Porthos, what's wrong is your old man is a horse's ass sometimes. I may be able to command a starship and lead my crew with seeming certainty and strength. But personally, where Trip's concerned, I can be pretty downright cruel. I bet if I treated you the way I have Trip lately you would've turned around and bit me right on my righteous ass. Would serve me right.
Why do I feel we have to talk it out? I mean, maybe he's just waiting for me to pick up where we left off before the whole Cogenitor mess. If I did and he accepted, then maybe we could move on or past all of this tension between us.
I don't want to go on this way. I'm angry with the Xindi and what they've done. I just don't know how I can keep focused on who I am and what type of captain I want to be if I keep letting this anger out. I need Trip and his friendship to balance me so I can be the captain I have been, even though the mission we now embark on is much more emotionally charged.
But what if he won't accept me, Jonathan Archer, back into his life? Maybe Malcolm was right. I could be afraid of finding out whether or not Trip can forgive me. That's a scary thought. Trip not forgiving me, not me being afraid. Crap. I am afraid. Damn, why can't I just go to him?
***
MALCOLM
Trip commed me a little while ago. He asked if I wanted to go to the gym and wrestle. I told him I had already exercised this evening. He sounded disappointed, so I told him I'd like to stop by his quarters and hang out.
I wonder as I walk down the corridor whether or not the captain attempted to reconcile with Trip. By the tone of the commander's voice, I'd say not. Or, maybe the attempt was made and failed. Now that would be tragic. We all have enough on our minds with our new course to avenge Earth. We don't need turmoil within the confines of this ship.
Trip Tucker does not need any more weight on his shoulders. He's had more than his share of negative emotion resulting, life altering news. He needs to be reassured that his friends are there for him. Although even I have tried and he's cut me down for attempting to console him with inquiries about a memorial for Lizzie. But I still don't fault him for it. He's hurting. He needs his friends. He needs Jonathan Archer. Instead, he has me.
***
"I really never thought about it, Malcolm." Trip sighed, stretching his bare feet out to curl his toes on the wrung of the desk chair before him.
Malcolm had pulled the chair over next to the bed to chat with Trip. The latter was sitting on the bed clad only in his sweat pants.
"Why not?" Reed asked quietly.
"Shoot," Trip shook his head. "Don't ask somethin' ya already know the answer to. It's like you're patronizin' me."
"Sorry." Malcolm shifted in his chair uncomfortably. "I didn't mean it that way."
"Oh," Trip waved his hand in the air. "No, I'm sorry. I know ya didn't."
Tucker leaned on his bed and pushed back, swinging his legs onto the bed and propping himself up against the wall with pillows. Reed took that move as an invitation to get more comfortable himself and got up.
"Mind?" Malcolm asked as he stood next to the opposite end of the bed.
Trip shook his head watching as Malcolm sat on the bed, leaving one foot on the floor but lying on his side and supporting his head with his hand.
"Yeah, I really wanted to wrestle 'im." Trip admitted.
"So, it wasn't that you didn't think of asking the captain to the gym." Malcolm expounded. "It was that you didn't ask him because..."
"Because we aren't 'xactly civil lately." Trip scrunched up his mouth and then added. "Well, not much."
"Trip, maybe the captain is just as afraid to approach you as you are to him."
"He did."
Reed sat up now. "Oh."
"Just kinda didn't go all that well in the end." Trip sniffed and wiped his nose habitually. "I think he was tryin' to figure out how to talk to me like Trip. Ya know, not Commander Tucker who needs a pep talk. He did ask 'bout my folks, though."
"Well, that's encouraging." Malcolm lightly tapped Trip on the knee with his knuckles. "Isn't it?"
"I think I shot 'im down."
"Oh," Malcolm replied. "Not so encouraging."
"Archer to Commander Tucker."
Both men sat up straight staring wide-eyed at the other. Trip gathered his wits and leaned over to press the com panel button.
"Tucker here...sir."
"Report to my ready room immediately. Archer out."
The proverbial pin did not drop but it would've been heard thunderously in the room if it had.
"At this hour?" Malcolm asked disbelieving.
"Uh, guess I better get dressed." Trip let out a nervous laugh as he jumped to his feet and rushed to grab a fresh uniform.
***
The chime reverberated throughout the room. Captain Jonathan Archer sighed and looked up at the door from his desk chair. He had tried not to think this meeting through. It was instinct that had caused him to com his chief engineer and summon him. Now that the moment was at hand, he wondered if this would be a new beginning or an end to a decade's old friendship.
"Enter."
The door slid open to allow a very jumpy Commander Charles Tucker III inside. He moved in to stand before the desk.
"Please sit down." Archer offered with a gesture of his hand.
Tucker carefully slid into the chair behind him and clasped his hands on this lap. Being offered a seat was promising. The time was not concerning him. In fact, the commander wasn't that surprised. He was, however, thoughtful of the location and found it a bit intimidating.
"I'm sorry for the late hour, but I had to...well," Archer tried to explain. "I just thought this needed to be said."
"Sir?" The commander managed in a meek voice.
"I'm angry." The captain said. "I have a feeling in my gut that only knows relief from releasing that anger. It started with the cogenitor. And it intensified with the attack on Earth."
"Sir..."
"Let me finish." Archer held up his hand. "Then you can say your peace. The anger I had about the cogenitor incident wasn't directed at you. It was more about me, than you. I told you that I never wanted to put restrictions on you or to suppress your impulsiveness. Well, that was my mistake and I was angry at my lack of leadership. And I couldn't see what the cogenitor's death had done to you; what I was doing to you."
Trip began to shift in his chair, his hands wringing in an attempt to hold back the emotions that flooded his senses.
"Then the attack on Earth and Lizzie just made the anger stronger." Jon got up and moved to the front of his desk. He leaned back with his hands resting on the desk's edge. "And again I didn't see what all of it was doing to you. I think we've gone passed where apologies will make it all better. Got any ideas?"
"I don't know." Trip's voice trembled slightly. "I mean, I screwed up with Charles, the cogenitor. I killed..."
"No, no." Jon interrupted forcefully. "I think what you did was inappropriate and harmful. But the cogenitor took their own life, Trip."
"Because I showed them things they never had seen before!" Trip raised his voice.
"Yes, yes you did." Jon kept his voice level. "But did you really have to push that hard? Or was the cogenitor eager and willing right from the start?"
Trip sat back with his shoulders slumped. He hadn't really thought about it that much. But the cogenitor did jump at the chances he offered to experience new things. He looked up at Archer, his eyes wide with new possibilities.
"The cogenitor was capable of so much so fast." Jon continued. "Being so smart, maybe you just put a little water on seeds of unrest. Even if you hadn't interfered, could it have only been a matter of time before they would have rebelled?"
Trip was stunned into silence. He couldn't deny this argument. In no way was this going to wipe away his feeling of responsibility, but at least maybe he didn't have to take it in full.
"Now," Jon picked up. "I know this mission is going to be harder than anything we've ever faced together. And I also know that I will probably be a grumpy cuss at times. With the higher vested interest in avenging Earth that you have, I know you might get hotheaded more than usual. I need to know that at those times, when I lose myself, you'll take me aside in private and remind me. And you know I'll do the same for you. We'll do that because we're friends and we care."
"I know, sir." Trip quietly replied. His eyes were misting over and he inhaled deeply to gather his composure. "I just thought I'd really made ya lose respect for me..."
Jon bolted forward from his perch on his desk, dropping to his knees in front of Trip. When the latter lowered his head and tried to turn away, Archer grabbed Tucker by the shoulders and ducked his head to make eye contact.
"Never." Jon said through gritted teeth. "I can't explain it except there's that saying about people always hurting those closest to them. I guess that can explain it, but it doesn't excuse it. So, can we agree to just be there for each other? Even if we seem distant and I get harsh with you in front of the others, we still can keep each other in check in private? Okay?"
Trip sighed and nodded, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. Jon rose to his feet as Trip followed and the two stood staring at each other.
"It's pretty late. We should get some sleep." Jon advised.
"I haven't been able to do that lately." Trip said shyly.
"Oh," Jon exclaimed in concern. "Phlox can help."
"Yeah," Trip nodded. "I thought of that. Might do it, if it keeps up."
"Well, go get changed and you can come to my quarters and we can watch a movie or whatever." Jon offered.
Trip smiled. "I'd like that."
Jon smiled broadly and clapped Trip on the back. "See ya in bit."
As Trip made his way to the door slowly, he stopped and turned back to face Jon.
"How come ya called me here?" Trip asked.
"I just thought maybe if it didn't go well..." Jon confessed. "Oh, I guess this room was where the distance began. If it didn't end here, then I didn't want it to be in any other part of this ship."
"Fair nuff." Trip agreed.
"Oh and Trip?" Jon quickly called out. "I know Malcolm's become a very good friend, maybe even a best friend and that's fine with me..."
"Jon," Trip stared back with a hurt expression. "Malcolm's a good friend, a close friend. He always will be. But no matter how much we argue, fight and even hurt each other...you'll always be my best friend. Unless you don't want the job anymore. And for awhile there, I really thought you didn't."
"Not a chance, Trip." Jon smiled warmly and was glad when he saw Trip return the grin. "Now get going. I'm breaking out the refreshments when I get to my quarters and no one hates warm beer more than you do."
"I'm outta here!"
***
JON
I wish I could say I won't be abrupt and harsh on this mission, but I can't truthfully. I wish I could say Trip won't act impulsively and possible get himself seriously hurt on this mission, but I can't truthfully. But I know and he knows we'll be there for each other in the end.
As long as we both know where we stand, that's all that matters. To hell with what anyone else thinks. We know and we won't ever forget again.
THE END