Author: Well... helloooo there guys! I'm Jenn, Scottish, 15 years old and
from what you could probably tell from this small escapade, a really crap
writer!
Note: I'm in love with the wonderful Chris Barrie, who plays the gorgeously unconventional sex-god Arnold Judas Rimmer BSc SSc!
Lol... So here goes. My first fanfic. *deep breath and prepare yourselves to bored stupid..*
***
Chapter 1
"Auurrggghhhccchh...HACK!...Phweeeee...."
"ARGH!" Rimmer couldn't take it any more. His bunkmate and his curry- clogged windpipe had been poisoning the air for too long. Not only did his breath stink like a manure-covered hobo whom had just farted in a field of putrid cauliflower...but the noise...
"The NOISE!!" Rimmer thrust his pillow across his face.
"Rimmmmeh...!" Lister snorted.
"What is it you Vindaloo-sucking pillock?!"
"Rimmmmmmeh!!!" He snorted again. "Rimmmmeh!! BEHIND YOU!"
"ARGH!!" Rimmer squawked. He jumped so much he hit the top of his bunk...then the floor.
"SNORT! Aaugh....phweeee....." Lister was still mid-dream...
Rimmer brushed his shirt off - then his trousers. As he finished wiping himself down, he glared at his hands to find them covered in a yellowy- orange substance. He sniffed it.
"No no no no NO!!!"
"Wha...? What? Eh?! Who...?" He woke Lister up. "HEY! What's yer problem? I can't sleep for all the noise!" He rubbed his alcohol-induced eye-bags and forced himself down the bunk ladder and onto the floor...where he had left his Spicy Chicken and extra-Tobasco Vindaloo the night before, when he drank more than the Ship's volume in Tennent's. Only, his intended breakfast of old curry and flat lager had acquired an extra ingredient -
"You Muck-digesting-pony-tailed-smegging-smegheaded-smeg!!!!" Second Technician Arnold Rimmer's roars rang through space like an attack of Titinus. He stood glaring at Lister's shocked expression.
Rimmer spun slowly to exhibit his curry spattered trouser leg. Lister's shocked expression dissolved to a smirk. - Then to fits of laughter.
"Ow...." he groaned as his head reminded him he was mid-hangover. He grabbed his forehead, rubbed his temples, then grinned again...
"Here Arn...I was gonna ask you to warm my breakfast up for me...but I guess your arse has already done that for me...Lucky you were on Hard Light, eh?!" He sniggered as he made his way out the door, to the bar-deck to make himself a 'Hair-Of-The-Dog'. (Ten pints before lunchtime usually cured his hangovers.)
"Yesss...Lucky....Hard Light." Arnold hissed after Lister.
"Holly?!"
Holly's head appeared on the room monitor. "Yes Arn?"
"Fresh clothes...nowish!!"
The computer paused and stared around blankly, whistling to "You Can Leave Your Hat On".
"Holly... the thought occurs I am still in curry-stained uniform. The further thought occurs that you seem unable this fine morning to comprehend the fact I'm in a Smegger of a mood and am desperately fighting off the temptation to go round the ship, 'borrow' all of your wiring and garrotte them round Lister's groinal area so tight, it will go black, wrinkle like a prune and drop off. Now kindly give me some fresh holo-clothing you bald headed, neckless git!"
Holly looked up, in slight shock. "neckless? Are you implying I'm fat?! Anyway...you said now-ISH, didn't you?!"
By this time Rimmer had got himself into such a state, his face was turning a nice shade of purple. His hard light-bee was beginning to fizz and spark.
"Cool it Arn," Holly warned. "Your Hard Light will blow. Don't worry...you'll have your clothes in a jiff - "
"Great. And what's a jiff?! Some kind of Jiff-illion years in computer lingo?! Yes. This is fan-smegging-tastic. We're probably the last humans in the WHOLE universe...and our very existence relies on a computer with the brains of a drunken mollusk and a head the shape, texture and colour of a boiled egg that's been dipped in cooking oil. You're nothing but an -"
"Here's your clothes." Holly interrupted before Rimmer began to insult him.
But Rimmer was still wearing his curry-flavoured uniform. He sighed an intellectually-exhausted sigh, as his rage grew ever more powerful...
He glared around the room for a while, attempting to collect his shattered temper, but failing miserably, when BOOM! FIZZZ...SPARK!!! The hard-light main-drive exploded, sending Rimmer hurtling air-borne across the bunkroom, straight into the wall. He screeched as all of a sudden - even more suddenly than being catapulted across the room - he was stretched, pulled, expanded and extended this way and that, each time more forcefully than before...
He yelled for help, using all the strength he could muster, but no-one could help him... Lister wasn't there, the Cat was grooming himself somewhere, Kryten was on down-time on the lower decks and Holly was next to useless, as the explosion had triggered a fault with his links to the holo- drives.
It was times like this, Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSc. SSc. wished he wasn't stranded with three half-wits, and a disembodied head...who happened to be more of a half-wit than the others.
Just as he had got to the point where his Light-Bee was on the brink of destruction, the sparks calmed, the booms hushed, and the expanding and extending subsided. Holly had regained control of the situation. He was on the case again. He was kicking bottom.
"Sorry Arn... been a slight miscalculation with the whole clothes changing there..." He paused. "...lucky you didn't want a haircut, eh?"
Rimmer lay, sprawled on the floor against the wall, trying to regain full- consciousness. "WHAT THE SMEGGING HELL WAS SMEGGING THAT YOU STUPID SMEGGING.... SMEGGING....." Arnold always seemed to struggle with decent put-downs when his head had just been stretched and shredded like putty in a mincing machine.
He turned slightly in his blind (and also quite painful) rage. To his complete and utter derangement, there beside the fuming hologram stood a female... the first any of the crew-members had seen for over three-million years!
"- extremely intelligent, handsome computer..." He exhaled deeply and grinned like a goit as he stood in awe of the female form, who just so happened to be wearing an exact replica of Rimmer's uniform. A flaw in the holo-drive? Holly loosing control? Never...
Note: I'm in love with the wonderful Chris Barrie, who plays the gorgeously unconventional sex-god Arnold Judas Rimmer BSc SSc!
Lol... So here goes. My first fanfic. *deep breath and prepare yourselves to bored stupid..*
***
Chapter 1
"Auurrggghhhccchh...HACK!...Phweeeee...."
"ARGH!" Rimmer couldn't take it any more. His bunkmate and his curry- clogged windpipe had been poisoning the air for too long. Not only did his breath stink like a manure-covered hobo whom had just farted in a field of putrid cauliflower...but the noise...
"The NOISE!!" Rimmer thrust his pillow across his face.
"Rimmmmeh...!" Lister snorted.
"What is it you Vindaloo-sucking pillock?!"
"Rimmmmmmeh!!!" He snorted again. "Rimmmmeh!! BEHIND YOU!"
"ARGH!!" Rimmer squawked. He jumped so much he hit the top of his bunk...then the floor.
"SNORT! Aaugh....phweeee....." Lister was still mid-dream...
Rimmer brushed his shirt off - then his trousers. As he finished wiping himself down, he glared at his hands to find them covered in a yellowy- orange substance. He sniffed it.
"No no no no NO!!!"
"Wha...? What? Eh?! Who...?" He woke Lister up. "HEY! What's yer problem? I can't sleep for all the noise!" He rubbed his alcohol-induced eye-bags and forced himself down the bunk ladder and onto the floor...where he had left his Spicy Chicken and extra-Tobasco Vindaloo the night before, when he drank more than the Ship's volume in Tennent's. Only, his intended breakfast of old curry and flat lager had acquired an extra ingredient -
"You Muck-digesting-pony-tailed-smegging-smegheaded-smeg!!!!" Second Technician Arnold Rimmer's roars rang through space like an attack of Titinus. He stood glaring at Lister's shocked expression.
Rimmer spun slowly to exhibit his curry spattered trouser leg. Lister's shocked expression dissolved to a smirk. - Then to fits of laughter.
"Ow...." he groaned as his head reminded him he was mid-hangover. He grabbed his forehead, rubbed his temples, then grinned again...
"Here Arn...I was gonna ask you to warm my breakfast up for me...but I guess your arse has already done that for me...Lucky you were on Hard Light, eh?!" He sniggered as he made his way out the door, to the bar-deck to make himself a 'Hair-Of-The-Dog'. (Ten pints before lunchtime usually cured his hangovers.)
"Yesss...Lucky....Hard Light." Arnold hissed after Lister.
"Holly?!"
Holly's head appeared on the room monitor. "Yes Arn?"
"Fresh clothes...nowish!!"
The computer paused and stared around blankly, whistling to "You Can Leave Your Hat On".
"Holly... the thought occurs I am still in curry-stained uniform. The further thought occurs that you seem unable this fine morning to comprehend the fact I'm in a Smegger of a mood and am desperately fighting off the temptation to go round the ship, 'borrow' all of your wiring and garrotte them round Lister's groinal area so tight, it will go black, wrinkle like a prune and drop off. Now kindly give me some fresh holo-clothing you bald headed, neckless git!"
Holly looked up, in slight shock. "neckless? Are you implying I'm fat?! Anyway...you said now-ISH, didn't you?!"
By this time Rimmer had got himself into such a state, his face was turning a nice shade of purple. His hard light-bee was beginning to fizz and spark.
"Cool it Arn," Holly warned. "Your Hard Light will blow. Don't worry...you'll have your clothes in a jiff - "
"Great. And what's a jiff?! Some kind of Jiff-illion years in computer lingo?! Yes. This is fan-smegging-tastic. We're probably the last humans in the WHOLE universe...and our very existence relies on a computer with the brains of a drunken mollusk and a head the shape, texture and colour of a boiled egg that's been dipped in cooking oil. You're nothing but an -"
"Here's your clothes." Holly interrupted before Rimmer began to insult him.
But Rimmer was still wearing his curry-flavoured uniform. He sighed an intellectually-exhausted sigh, as his rage grew ever more powerful...
He glared around the room for a while, attempting to collect his shattered temper, but failing miserably, when BOOM! FIZZZ...SPARK!!! The hard-light main-drive exploded, sending Rimmer hurtling air-borne across the bunkroom, straight into the wall. He screeched as all of a sudden - even more suddenly than being catapulted across the room - he was stretched, pulled, expanded and extended this way and that, each time more forcefully than before...
He yelled for help, using all the strength he could muster, but no-one could help him... Lister wasn't there, the Cat was grooming himself somewhere, Kryten was on down-time on the lower decks and Holly was next to useless, as the explosion had triggered a fault with his links to the holo- drives.
It was times like this, Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSc. SSc. wished he wasn't stranded with three half-wits, and a disembodied head...who happened to be more of a half-wit than the others.
Just as he had got to the point where his Light-Bee was on the brink of destruction, the sparks calmed, the booms hushed, and the expanding and extending subsided. Holly had regained control of the situation. He was on the case again. He was kicking bottom.
"Sorry Arn... been a slight miscalculation with the whole clothes changing there..." He paused. "...lucky you didn't want a haircut, eh?"
Rimmer lay, sprawled on the floor against the wall, trying to regain full- consciousness. "WHAT THE SMEGGING HELL WAS SMEGGING THAT YOU STUPID SMEGGING.... SMEGGING....." Arnold always seemed to struggle with decent put-downs when his head had just been stretched and shredded like putty in a mincing machine.
He turned slightly in his blind (and also quite painful) rage. To his complete and utter derangement, there beside the fuming hologram stood a female... the first any of the crew-members had seen for over three-million years!
"- extremely intelligent, handsome computer..." He exhaled deeply and grinned like a goit as he stood in awe of the female form, who just so happened to be wearing an exact replica of Rimmer's uniform. A flaw in the holo-drive? Holly loosing control? Never...