***
Chapter 2
"Oh." Holly blushed as he stared at the woman, then at the floor. He felt he ought to explain the situation to the stranger. "I think there might've been, in all possibility, a slight flaw in the holo-drive... Hold on... I'll go fix it - "
"NO!!! I mean - no, you d...d...don't REALLY have to, n..n..n..not RIGHT now, anyway. Bu-bu-buh but how......?"
"How has the ship managed to create and support TWO holograms at the one time? Well... I think it's because - well I'm sure it was caused by - I know how it happened, it was because - (he paused) Well I don't know, do I? All I remember was 'BANG! POP! STRETCH! SKEW!' And Bob's yer Uncle... another Hologram. She was never one of the crew, otherwise, I would've recognised her. She couldn't have come from outer space, 'cos she doesn't look like, you know...something from outer space. She's a hologram, and she was definitely human... - "
"What's goin' down in Space-town guys?" Lister spluttered in the door as he finished his eleventh speed-pint. He was followed closely by The Cat. He noticed both Holly and Rimmer's looks... then followed their line of sight....
"Whoah! What's this guys?" The new figure stood with a friendly, yet slightly petrified smile on her face.
Holly cleared his throat. "I don't know Dave. I'm as bewildered as an elderly man in the lingerie department! Something went wrong - "
"...But was oh-so-very-right." Rimmer gasped, his eyes glued gormlessly to the visitor.
"I think Goal-post head needs wakening up. Anyone else for a nice drawn-out slapping session?!" Smirked the Cat.
The young woman gathered her nerves, delved into her pockets, then brought out and studied a photo she was carrying. She then studied Lister. She opened her neatly lip-lined mouth and gasped; "Dave? Dave...Lister? Is it really you?!" she glided over to him and threw her arms around his neck. "I found you!! I r-really found you!"
"Marvellous! Can we loose him now?" Rimmer had recovered and was ready to spread pessimism and put-downs thoughout the universe again.
The crew was in disbelief. How did a woman they'd never seen nor heard of before know Lister's name? And WHY, of all things to do, would she want to hug him?
Lister was shocked, but relatively calm about it, and hugged her back. She WAS good looking, after all. He grinned at the jealousy ridden Rimmer.
"Right. Hold on. What's with the fascination with the curry-and-lager-booby- trapper? He's a chain-smoking, lager gulping, pony-tailed, chipmunk-faced, manure-breathed horse. He has the morality and moronic vocabulary of a drunken sailor on a stag night in the middle of the month of Arse-bruary. So, in all respect ma'am - What is so special about David Lister?!"
"W-what d-do you mean? He's not a moron." She said rather uptightly. "He's my c-creator!!"
Holly, Rimmer, the Cat and Lister especially were taken aback by her revelation.
"Creator?" The Cat guffawed. "But if you were a droid I would have known from your scent! You smell human to me!" He sneezed. "But then, I have a cold, so I might just be a little off with the old nasals."
Rimmer shook his head. Lister had to sit down. He threw himself down onto Rimmer's army-neat bedsheets. Rimmer shook his head and winced at all the creases reappearing like he hadn't spent the required four hours on making his bed.
Lister felt his temporal lobes pumping like a gazelle on heat. This Lister had gone to art college - He could never in a million years (or should that be three million and twenty-five years?) have created and built a human- like android. He couldn't even build with Lego!
"I don't understand..."
"You don't understand?! Now THERE'S a turn-up for the old book, eh, Listy?" Rimmer retorted, snidely.
"He wasn't talking to you, Captain Smeg-For-Brains," The Cat hissed, enjoying the show he'd been treated to.
Dave wiped the beads of sweat from his forehead. Suddenly he encountered a larger headache, and it had nothing to do with his alcohol-intake the night before.
"I just don't understand... how could I have CREATED you?" Lister moaned.
"Why, the g-good, old-fashioned way." She chirped. "Sex!!"
Lister received such a shock; he slammed off the top of Rimmer's bunk, and crashed onto the floor. Or rather, his now fluffy plate of curry. The one with his bunk mate's buttock crevice from earlier.
Rimmer grinned in amusement. "Ahh. Thank YOU Mister Justice!" He saluted the ceiling, then performed a little feet-shuffling, hand waving dance, whilst sniggering. Lister was out-cold.
"Well, Cat, we better move the smegger to the medi-bay," Rimmer sighed eventually.
"I'll meet you there." Holly announced, before zipping to the medical floor.
"C'mon Cat. Don't just stand there looking me up and down. Help me with the curry-muncher...he can't lie around in last nights' Tikka all day."
But that sounded like a forbidden reference to the 'W-word'. The Cat simply stood and stared in bewilderment at Lister's curry-stained lifelessness, then at Rimmer. "You see this suit? This here suit, Laundry Shoot Nostrils, is made of the finest Felinic Velvet and has a 24-carat gold trim, with cubic zirconia -encrusted buttons. This suit takes years off me - not that I need it, but it's always a bonus - and what's more, this very suit, in case you hadn't noticed, is 'Hot Red'. Hell, do you have ANY sense of style or colour?! 'Hot Red' doesn't go with 'Tikka ORANGE'!! I ain't touchin' him, bro!" With that, he defiantly stormed out the door and down the hall to his own quarters. With a shout from the corridor, he added, "And don't expect to see me for a while. There's a mirror down here! See y'all laterssss!!"
'The Arrival' smiled weakly at Rimmer, and held out her hand. "Emm...Hi," she uttered. "The name's B-bexlie." She stuttered occasionally as she spoke.
He recognised that name... "Bexlie?" He thought, but decided against thinking too much for the time being - What if he mucked up the flirting? Disasterous. He politely refused her hand, grinning shyly.
"Sorry, I'm covered in this imbecile's dinner! My name is Arnold J. Rimmer. BSc SSc, Second Technician for Mining Ship Red Dwarf. That thing just there was The Cat, ignore him at all costs. Talking to him can only lower your IQ levels. Kryten, our droid-thing is probably down-level on medi-bay. You'll meet him later. And this sorry-excuse-for-a-Space-Corps-soup-machine- attendant is Lister... as you may well already know. Actually... how DO you may well already know him?"
"There's n-no time for that n-now, Mr R-rimmer - we have to get Dave down to the medical room. He hit himself p-pretty bad - " She twitched meagrely as she spoke, but he let that pass for nerves.
"Don't worry. I'll get him there. And please-"
He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to be 'handsome' but obviously forgetting he had Lister's curry all over his hands.
"- Call me Arn......... Oh NO!!" he wailed as he realised he had newly tikka-ginger hair. "Typ-smeggin'-ical!! As soon as he comes round I'm going to knock his sorry face right back out again!"
Bexlie giggled coyly. "M-maybe we should - get going?" she said, pointing at the still-comatose Lister. "I'm not b-bothered - your suit is beige. G- goes with anything!" She cleared and pulled a wheely-table from the corner and readied herself for them to lift him.
Rimmer nodded and laughed quietly. Smart. Intuitive. Quick off the mark. JUST the kind of personality he craved, especially having spent the last three-million and five years with a slob, neurotic droid, sickeningly vein feline and a mainframe with the IQ and conversational skills of a traffic warden with one GCSE...in PE. Sure, she twitched and stuttered occasionally, but he put that down to sheer cuteness. And sure, she seemed quite interested in him. He put that down to the twitching and stuttering. No one is perfect. He of all people should know that.
They gathered their strength, struggled and battled with Lister's mass, until finally, they managed him onto the make-shift stretcher and began to make their way down the corridor, both pushing from behind. Not even them accidentally letting him roll down a ramp before crashing into a wall could bring Lister round.
There was an uncomfortable silence between the 'paramedics'. Neither could think of anything to say to one another. Eventually, Rimmer turned to Bexlie.
".....So....." He was never really a good conversationalist with women. Especially ones that were this pretty.
"...How am I?" They both grinned as she finished his sentence for him. "I'm OK I g-guess... c-considering..." She gestured around the room. "You know..."
"The strange ship with strange people you've randomly found yourself on? Don't worry... As long as you avoid making contact with Lister, The Cat, Kryten, and especially our half-witted mainframe computer Holly... I'm sure you'll be perfectly fine." He flashed his special authoritative, 'seductive' smile.
Bexlie knew exactly where this was going. Obviously they were going to the medi-bay... but conversation-wise.
On looking into Arn's eyes, and even having just met the ex-man, all she could focus on was the shimmering golden highlights in the ocean of dreamy, earthy hazel. The way his iris would get darker and deeper, the further out to the edge you looked...the desire in his deep, ebony, satin-like pupils. The sparkling 'H' branded on his forehead, akin to her own...his coiling, chestnut-coloured hair (which still happened to be doused in curry, but cute all the same.)... the ever so slight stubble he donned on his sleep- deprived jaw-line..
She had never seen a male hologram before... Hell, she'd never met a man before who wasn't all over her mother instead of her. After all those years alone, she completely overlooked the fact that he was someone who was a complete smeghead, someone nobody ever liked, and someone who was covered in curry. This was nice, she thought. She twitched accordingly.
He felt exactly the same. Each of her eyes were a copious nebula of blues, purples, greens and silvers and were teeming with beauty and emotion. Her Bambi-brown, shining flow of hair cascaded down her back, and seemed to have no end. He longed for the chance to run his fingers through it. This was enough to blow his light-bee into a billion love-stricken pieces. This wasn't just another "Ooh she's pretty...I'll have her!" kind of circumstance.
Of course he hadn't seen, let alone talked to a female since Red Dwarf was teeming with them... but even then, none of them actually wanted to talk to him of their own free will. This was nice, he thought. And better still, she was a hologram. They obviously had LOADS in common.
They sighed together. Each beautiful, gormlessly lustful set of eyes still fixated with the other. The situation was simple in his mind.
"...This might just be..."
"Ughhh...Arrrrrrr...."
The pair snapped from their desperate ecstasy immediately. Lister was coming round... and they hadn't even got to the medi-bay yet! They flashed a slightly irritated and hungered smile at each other before speeding off down the hallways and lifts like rabbits from a dog-track.
Chapter 2
"Oh." Holly blushed as he stared at the woman, then at the floor. He felt he ought to explain the situation to the stranger. "I think there might've been, in all possibility, a slight flaw in the holo-drive... Hold on... I'll go fix it - "
"NO!!! I mean - no, you d...d...don't REALLY have to, n..n..n..not RIGHT now, anyway. Bu-bu-buh but how......?"
"How has the ship managed to create and support TWO holograms at the one time? Well... I think it's because - well I'm sure it was caused by - I know how it happened, it was because - (he paused) Well I don't know, do I? All I remember was 'BANG! POP! STRETCH! SKEW!' And Bob's yer Uncle... another Hologram. She was never one of the crew, otherwise, I would've recognised her. She couldn't have come from outer space, 'cos she doesn't look like, you know...something from outer space. She's a hologram, and she was definitely human... - "
"What's goin' down in Space-town guys?" Lister spluttered in the door as he finished his eleventh speed-pint. He was followed closely by The Cat. He noticed both Holly and Rimmer's looks... then followed their line of sight....
"Whoah! What's this guys?" The new figure stood with a friendly, yet slightly petrified smile on her face.
Holly cleared his throat. "I don't know Dave. I'm as bewildered as an elderly man in the lingerie department! Something went wrong - "
"...But was oh-so-very-right." Rimmer gasped, his eyes glued gormlessly to the visitor.
"I think Goal-post head needs wakening up. Anyone else for a nice drawn-out slapping session?!" Smirked the Cat.
The young woman gathered her nerves, delved into her pockets, then brought out and studied a photo she was carrying. She then studied Lister. She opened her neatly lip-lined mouth and gasped; "Dave? Dave...Lister? Is it really you?!" she glided over to him and threw her arms around his neck. "I found you!! I r-really found you!"
"Marvellous! Can we loose him now?" Rimmer had recovered and was ready to spread pessimism and put-downs thoughout the universe again.
The crew was in disbelief. How did a woman they'd never seen nor heard of before know Lister's name? And WHY, of all things to do, would she want to hug him?
Lister was shocked, but relatively calm about it, and hugged her back. She WAS good looking, after all. He grinned at the jealousy ridden Rimmer.
"Right. Hold on. What's with the fascination with the curry-and-lager-booby- trapper? He's a chain-smoking, lager gulping, pony-tailed, chipmunk-faced, manure-breathed horse. He has the morality and moronic vocabulary of a drunken sailor on a stag night in the middle of the month of Arse-bruary. So, in all respect ma'am - What is so special about David Lister?!"
"W-what d-do you mean? He's not a moron." She said rather uptightly. "He's my c-creator!!"
Holly, Rimmer, the Cat and Lister especially were taken aback by her revelation.
"Creator?" The Cat guffawed. "But if you were a droid I would have known from your scent! You smell human to me!" He sneezed. "But then, I have a cold, so I might just be a little off with the old nasals."
Rimmer shook his head. Lister had to sit down. He threw himself down onto Rimmer's army-neat bedsheets. Rimmer shook his head and winced at all the creases reappearing like he hadn't spent the required four hours on making his bed.
Lister felt his temporal lobes pumping like a gazelle on heat. This Lister had gone to art college - He could never in a million years (or should that be three million and twenty-five years?) have created and built a human- like android. He couldn't even build with Lego!
"I don't understand..."
"You don't understand?! Now THERE'S a turn-up for the old book, eh, Listy?" Rimmer retorted, snidely.
"He wasn't talking to you, Captain Smeg-For-Brains," The Cat hissed, enjoying the show he'd been treated to.
Dave wiped the beads of sweat from his forehead. Suddenly he encountered a larger headache, and it had nothing to do with his alcohol-intake the night before.
"I just don't understand... how could I have CREATED you?" Lister moaned.
"Why, the g-good, old-fashioned way." She chirped. "Sex!!"
Lister received such a shock; he slammed off the top of Rimmer's bunk, and crashed onto the floor. Or rather, his now fluffy plate of curry. The one with his bunk mate's buttock crevice from earlier.
Rimmer grinned in amusement. "Ahh. Thank YOU Mister Justice!" He saluted the ceiling, then performed a little feet-shuffling, hand waving dance, whilst sniggering. Lister was out-cold.
"Well, Cat, we better move the smegger to the medi-bay," Rimmer sighed eventually.
"I'll meet you there." Holly announced, before zipping to the medical floor.
"C'mon Cat. Don't just stand there looking me up and down. Help me with the curry-muncher...he can't lie around in last nights' Tikka all day."
But that sounded like a forbidden reference to the 'W-word'. The Cat simply stood and stared in bewilderment at Lister's curry-stained lifelessness, then at Rimmer. "You see this suit? This here suit, Laundry Shoot Nostrils, is made of the finest Felinic Velvet and has a 24-carat gold trim, with cubic zirconia -encrusted buttons. This suit takes years off me - not that I need it, but it's always a bonus - and what's more, this very suit, in case you hadn't noticed, is 'Hot Red'. Hell, do you have ANY sense of style or colour?! 'Hot Red' doesn't go with 'Tikka ORANGE'!! I ain't touchin' him, bro!" With that, he defiantly stormed out the door and down the hall to his own quarters. With a shout from the corridor, he added, "And don't expect to see me for a while. There's a mirror down here! See y'all laterssss!!"
'The Arrival' smiled weakly at Rimmer, and held out her hand. "Emm...Hi," she uttered. "The name's B-bexlie." She stuttered occasionally as she spoke.
He recognised that name... "Bexlie?" He thought, but decided against thinking too much for the time being - What if he mucked up the flirting? Disasterous. He politely refused her hand, grinning shyly.
"Sorry, I'm covered in this imbecile's dinner! My name is Arnold J. Rimmer. BSc SSc, Second Technician for Mining Ship Red Dwarf. That thing just there was The Cat, ignore him at all costs. Talking to him can only lower your IQ levels. Kryten, our droid-thing is probably down-level on medi-bay. You'll meet him later. And this sorry-excuse-for-a-Space-Corps-soup-machine- attendant is Lister... as you may well already know. Actually... how DO you may well already know him?"
"There's n-no time for that n-now, Mr R-rimmer - we have to get Dave down to the medical room. He hit himself p-pretty bad - " She twitched meagrely as she spoke, but he let that pass for nerves.
"Don't worry. I'll get him there. And please-"
He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to be 'handsome' but obviously forgetting he had Lister's curry all over his hands.
"- Call me Arn......... Oh NO!!" he wailed as he realised he had newly tikka-ginger hair. "Typ-smeggin'-ical!! As soon as he comes round I'm going to knock his sorry face right back out again!"
Bexlie giggled coyly. "M-maybe we should - get going?" she said, pointing at the still-comatose Lister. "I'm not b-bothered - your suit is beige. G- goes with anything!" She cleared and pulled a wheely-table from the corner and readied herself for them to lift him.
Rimmer nodded and laughed quietly. Smart. Intuitive. Quick off the mark. JUST the kind of personality he craved, especially having spent the last three-million and five years with a slob, neurotic droid, sickeningly vein feline and a mainframe with the IQ and conversational skills of a traffic warden with one GCSE...in PE. Sure, she twitched and stuttered occasionally, but he put that down to sheer cuteness. And sure, she seemed quite interested in him. He put that down to the twitching and stuttering. No one is perfect. He of all people should know that.
They gathered their strength, struggled and battled with Lister's mass, until finally, they managed him onto the make-shift stretcher and began to make their way down the corridor, both pushing from behind. Not even them accidentally letting him roll down a ramp before crashing into a wall could bring Lister round.
There was an uncomfortable silence between the 'paramedics'. Neither could think of anything to say to one another. Eventually, Rimmer turned to Bexlie.
".....So....." He was never really a good conversationalist with women. Especially ones that were this pretty.
"...How am I?" They both grinned as she finished his sentence for him. "I'm OK I g-guess... c-considering..." She gestured around the room. "You know..."
"The strange ship with strange people you've randomly found yourself on? Don't worry... As long as you avoid making contact with Lister, The Cat, Kryten, and especially our half-witted mainframe computer Holly... I'm sure you'll be perfectly fine." He flashed his special authoritative, 'seductive' smile.
Bexlie knew exactly where this was going. Obviously they were going to the medi-bay... but conversation-wise.
On looking into Arn's eyes, and even having just met the ex-man, all she could focus on was the shimmering golden highlights in the ocean of dreamy, earthy hazel. The way his iris would get darker and deeper, the further out to the edge you looked...the desire in his deep, ebony, satin-like pupils. The sparkling 'H' branded on his forehead, akin to her own...his coiling, chestnut-coloured hair (which still happened to be doused in curry, but cute all the same.)... the ever so slight stubble he donned on his sleep- deprived jaw-line..
She had never seen a male hologram before... Hell, she'd never met a man before who wasn't all over her mother instead of her. After all those years alone, she completely overlooked the fact that he was someone who was a complete smeghead, someone nobody ever liked, and someone who was covered in curry. This was nice, she thought. She twitched accordingly.
He felt exactly the same. Each of her eyes were a copious nebula of blues, purples, greens and silvers and were teeming with beauty and emotion. Her Bambi-brown, shining flow of hair cascaded down her back, and seemed to have no end. He longed for the chance to run his fingers through it. This was enough to blow his light-bee into a billion love-stricken pieces. This wasn't just another "Ooh she's pretty...I'll have her!" kind of circumstance.
Of course he hadn't seen, let alone talked to a female since Red Dwarf was teeming with them... but even then, none of them actually wanted to talk to him of their own free will. This was nice, he thought. And better still, she was a hologram. They obviously had LOADS in common.
They sighed together. Each beautiful, gormlessly lustful set of eyes still fixated with the other. The situation was simple in his mind.
"...This might just be..."
"Ughhh...Arrrrrrr...."
The pair snapped from their desperate ecstasy immediately. Lister was coming round... and they hadn't even got to the medi-bay yet! They flashed a slightly irritated and hungered smile at each other before speeding off down the hallways and lifts like rabbits from a dog-track.