A/N: My first stab at humor and Matrix stuff. Yep. So GO EASY ON ME, PEOPLESES! Oh, and I have Trinity call the movie "crap" in this chapter, but don't worry, I really like the Matrix! And here's how this story's gonna go: I'm watching the DVD as I write this, meaning that this parody will probably be incredibly long and maybe have some boring, unfunny parts. Maybe the whole thing will be like that. Anywho, each chapter will be a scene from the DVD so they don't get too long and boring. So there'll be about 37 chapters. I WILL finish this!!!
Disclaimer: I don't own the Matrix. Duh. I just live in it. I don't own the characters either. And there is no spoon. Duh. This applies to all chapters. Yep. So don't expect me to write this again. Because I won't. Actually, I'd just forget anyway. Which is why I'm doing this. This is an unnecessarily long disclaimer. I'll stop now.
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Chapter 1
Green. Why is everything GREEN? Couldn't they do...I dunno...sky blue? Nah, that wouldn't be cool. That'd just be...fruity. No, maybe not fruity. Just...inappropriate for this particular film. Just forget I mentioned it.
PHONE: RING! RING! RING! RING! DAMMIT CYPHER, PICK ME UP!!
CYPHER: Uhh...Hello?
TRINITY: Umm...Hi.
CYPHER: Trinity?
TRINITY: Cypher?
CYPHER: Trinity!
TRINITY: Cypher!
CYPHER: TRINITY!!!!
TRINITY: BILLY! Err...I mean...CYPHER!!!!
CYPHER: Okay, what do ya want?
TRINITY: Is everything in place?
CYPHER: Let's see...Couch is across from the TV, birdcage is next to the fridge, C4 is strapped to Mouse...yeah, everything's good. Oh, and you're not supposed to relieve me.
TRINITY: I felt like taking a shift. You got a problem with that, punk?
CYPHER: No, since we're using our time without you to have a pool party.
TRINITY: But aren't you on the Nebuchadnezzar?
CYPHER: Yeah...
TRINITY: We don't have a pool.
CYPHER: Damn...Oh well, we're still having fun.
TRINITY: ...Then why the hell are you talking to me?
CYPHER: It's not a party without you, Trin!
TRINITY: I've told you a million times, no matter how much you suck up to me, I'm not gonna give you any!
CYPHER: Aww...Hey, I feel a sudden urge to go on with the script! You like him, don't you? You like watching him. YOU'RE A STALKER, AREN'T YOU?!
TRINITY: Me? Nooooo, I'd never do that *cough cough* I'm just interested because...uhh...Morpheus belives he's the One! Yeah, that's it!
CYPHER: But do YOU believe it?
TRINITY: It doesn't matter what I believe since the audience will be more interested in Neo anyways. Stupid audience. I can't believe they'd pay six bucks to see this crap. What idiots.
AUDIENCE: *is hypnotized by cool numbers and doesn't hear Trinity's comment*
TRINITY: Did you hear that?
CYPHER: Hear what?
*Beep*
TRINITY: Sorry, I asked you too soon. Did you hear that?
CYPHER: HEAR WHAT?!
TRINITY: ...Never mind. Are you sure this line is clean?
CYPHER: Nope, I'm talking to you through a phone sex line, sorry. Maybe that's why you're hearing noises.
TRINITY: You're so weird. I hate you, Cypher. I'm glad you go insane and get killed. Even though you kill Dozer. No one cares anyway.
CYPHER: ...That's not the line.
TRINITY: Oh, right. I better go.
Cool. The camera is going through a number! It's a zero! That's the number of movie critics that liked "The Matrix: Reloaded"! What a coincidence! Wow, a flashlight and some police guys!
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*
POLICE GUY #2: *walks forward to the door of room 303.495320718*
POLICE GUY #1 (now at the door) *nods to Police Guy with a Death Wish*
POLICE GUY WITH A DEATH WISH: *kicks down door*
OTHER POLICE GUYS: *shine flashlights on Trinity, who is too busy playing "The Sims: Hot Date" to care* Freeze, don't move!, etcetera, etcetera.
PGWADW: Hands on your head! Do it! Do it now! Put your left hand in! Take your left hand out! Put your left hand in and shake it all about! Do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around! That's what it's all about!
TRINITY: *puts up hands reeeeeaaaaally slowly and dramatically*
POLICE GUY #2: (to Police Guy #1) Do you think the hokey-pokey is really what it's all about?
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*
POLICE GUY #2: What are you, some friggin' bobble head doll?
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*
POLICE GUY #2: ...Are you completely brainless?
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*
POLICE GUY #2: Is that why you became a cop?
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*
POLICE GUY #2: Wow, this is a lot of fun!
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*
CUT TO: OUTSIDE, WHERE A BLACK CAR DRIVES UP TO THE HOTEL, WHICH HAS A BUNCH OF POLICE CARS IN FRONT OF IT ALREADY. AGENTS JIMMY, JOE, AND ELROND...ERR...SMITH...STEP OUT OF THE BLACK CAR, LOOKING ALMOST COMPLETELY IDENTICAL BECAUSE OF THE SUITS THEY STOLE FROM THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. THEY LIKE THE WAY THEY LOOK. I GUARANTEE IT.
SMITH: Lieutenant, you were given specific orders.
LIEUTENANT: Hey, I'm just doing my job: standing out here doing nothing while my replaceable coworkers get their asses kicked...I mean...while my men capture that hacker chick.
SMITH: The orders were for your protection.
LIEUTENANT: How will a bacon double cheeseburger a super sized fry protect me?
SMITH: You never know when you'll get attacked by a grizzly bear.
LIEUTENANT: ...but we're in a really big city in Australia.
SMITH: They're just telling you that so you'll let your guard down. You just never know, Lieutenant.
LIEUTENANT: Rooooooiiiiiiight...but I think we can handle one little girl.
SMITH: I dunno, the female bears can be just as territorial. And hungry.
LIEUTENANT: ...I meant that hacker lady upstairs.
SMITH: Oh. *looks around* *walks away*
LIEUTENANT: I sent two units, three hookers, and a dozen rabid weasels. We're bringing her down now.
SMITH: No, Lieutenant. Your men, whores, and ferrets are already dead.
LIEUTENANT: Good, 'cause now when we catch her, we can charge her with murder and cruelty to animals, too.
CUT TO: UPSTAIRS, WHERE THERE ARE ONLY COPS, WHO ARE CLEARLY ALL ALIVE. EXCEPT FOR THE BRAINDEAD ONE. NO ONE'S QUITE SURE ABOUT HIM.
As Police Guy with a Death Wish gets close to put handcuffs on her, Trinity spins around and breaks his arm in half. Ouch.
PGWADW: Man, I'm glad I bought that rubber arm. Wait...my arm's not rubber! OWIEEEEE!!!
TRINITY: There's something in your nose! *reaches up PGWADW's nose, breaking it in the process* Oohhhh, a button! Pretty button! Shiny button! My preciousssss! *strokes the button* *sees police guy still standing there* It's MY precious! Kawasaki!
Trinity jumps into the air in a super-cool, gravity-defying, camera-switchy way and hangs there for about five minutes.
TRINITY: Okay, you can turn on the gravity now. *kicks PGWADW in chest* Thanks.
As Police Guy with a Death Wish flies backward into Police Guy #1 (who is still nodding), Trinity realizes that she...bum bum bum...DROPPED THE SHINY BUTTON!
TRINITY: MY PRECIOUSSSSSSS!!!! *looks around* Where is it? We wants it back! *sees it under the chair she'd been sitting in* PRECIOUSSSS!!!
In a frenzy to get her button back, she kicks the chair away. It "accidentally" hits Police Guy #2 in the face. Oops.
TRINITY: *sees Police Guy #3 pointing his gun at her* Hang on a sec, I gotta check my wires.
POLICE GUY #3: Uhh...Okay.
TRINITY: *makes some more adjustments* Okay, I'm ready now.
POLICE GUY #3: Yay! *shoots at Trinity*
TRINITY: *runs up and along the wall, "inconspicuously" holding onto one of her wires*
As Trinity hits the ground, she pauses for about five seconds. Police Guy #3 doesn't shoot at her. I guess all the cops are brainless.
TRINITY: *runs forward, grabs Police Guy #3's arm, twists it around, uses his gun to shoot Police Guy #4, then kicks him over her shoulder*
POLICE GUY #4: (desperate for screen time) OW! *dies*
TRINITY: *strikes a nifty pose among the unconscious/dead people*
Wow. That was cool. The first action sequence took ten minutes to write, a minute to read, and thirty seconds to watch. I think I should've just watched it.
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A/N: Well, that was scene one! I hoped you liked, and if you didn't...I'd appreciate it if you kept it to yourself. Flames make me sad. It'll get funnier, randomer, and insaner (even though the last two aren't words) in the next chapters! REVIEW!
Disclaimer: I don't own the Matrix. Duh. I just live in it. I don't own the characters either. And there is no spoon. Duh. This applies to all chapters. Yep. So don't expect me to write this again. Because I won't. Actually, I'd just forget anyway. Which is why I'm doing this. This is an unnecessarily long disclaimer. I'll stop now.
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Chapter 1
Green. Why is everything GREEN? Couldn't they do...I dunno...sky blue? Nah, that wouldn't be cool. That'd just be...fruity. No, maybe not fruity. Just...inappropriate for this particular film. Just forget I mentioned it.
PHONE: RING! RING! RING! RING! DAMMIT CYPHER, PICK ME UP!!
CYPHER: Uhh...Hello?
TRINITY: Umm...Hi.
CYPHER: Trinity?
TRINITY: Cypher?
CYPHER: Trinity!
TRINITY: Cypher!
CYPHER: TRINITY!!!!
TRINITY: BILLY! Err...I mean...CYPHER!!!!
CYPHER: Okay, what do ya want?
TRINITY: Is everything in place?
CYPHER: Let's see...Couch is across from the TV, birdcage is next to the fridge, C4 is strapped to Mouse...yeah, everything's good. Oh, and you're not supposed to relieve me.
TRINITY: I felt like taking a shift. You got a problem with that, punk?
CYPHER: No, since we're using our time without you to have a pool party.
TRINITY: But aren't you on the Nebuchadnezzar?
CYPHER: Yeah...
TRINITY: We don't have a pool.
CYPHER: Damn...Oh well, we're still having fun.
TRINITY: ...Then why the hell are you talking to me?
CYPHER: It's not a party without you, Trin!
TRINITY: I've told you a million times, no matter how much you suck up to me, I'm not gonna give you any!
CYPHER: Aww...Hey, I feel a sudden urge to go on with the script! You like him, don't you? You like watching him. YOU'RE A STALKER, AREN'T YOU?!
TRINITY: Me? Nooooo, I'd never do that *cough cough* I'm just interested because...uhh...Morpheus belives he's the One! Yeah, that's it!
CYPHER: But do YOU believe it?
TRINITY: It doesn't matter what I believe since the audience will be more interested in Neo anyways. Stupid audience. I can't believe they'd pay six bucks to see this crap. What idiots.
AUDIENCE: *is hypnotized by cool numbers and doesn't hear Trinity's comment*
TRINITY: Did you hear that?
CYPHER: Hear what?
*Beep*
TRINITY: Sorry, I asked you too soon. Did you hear that?
CYPHER: HEAR WHAT?!
TRINITY: ...Never mind. Are you sure this line is clean?
CYPHER: Nope, I'm talking to you through a phone sex line, sorry. Maybe that's why you're hearing noises.
TRINITY: You're so weird. I hate you, Cypher. I'm glad you go insane and get killed. Even though you kill Dozer. No one cares anyway.
CYPHER: ...That's not the line.
TRINITY: Oh, right. I better go.
Cool. The camera is going through a number! It's a zero! That's the number of movie critics that liked "The Matrix: Reloaded"! What a coincidence! Wow, a flashlight and some police guys!
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*
POLICE GUY #2: *walks forward to the door of room 303.495320718*
POLICE GUY #1 (now at the door) *nods to Police Guy with a Death Wish*
POLICE GUY WITH A DEATH WISH: *kicks down door*
OTHER POLICE GUYS: *shine flashlights on Trinity, who is too busy playing "The Sims: Hot Date" to care* Freeze, don't move!, etcetera, etcetera.
PGWADW: Hands on your head! Do it! Do it now! Put your left hand in! Take your left hand out! Put your left hand in and shake it all about! Do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around! That's what it's all about!
TRINITY: *puts up hands reeeeeaaaaally slowly and dramatically*
POLICE GUY #2: (to Police Guy #1) Do you think the hokey-pokey is really what it's all about?
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*
POLICE GUY #2: What are you, some friggin' bobble head doll?
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*
POLICE GUY #2: ...Are you completely brainless?
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*
POLICE GUY #2: Is that why you became a cop?
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*
POLICE GUY #2: Wow, this is a lot of fun!
POLICE GUY #1: *nods*
CUT TO: OUTSIDE, WHERE A BLACK CAR DRIVES UP TO THE HOTEL, WHICH HAS A BUNCH OF POLICE CARS IN FRONT OF IT ALREADY. AGENTS JIMMY, JOE, AND ELROND...ERR...SMITH...STEP OUT OF THE BLACK CAR, LOOKING ALMOST COMPLETELY IDENTICAL BECAUSE OF THE SUITS THEY STOLE FROM THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. THEY LIKE THE WAY THEY LOOK. I GUARANTEE IT.
SMITH: Lieutenant, you were given specific orders.
LIEUTENANT: Hey, I'm just doing my job: standing out here doing nothing while my replaceable coworkers get their asses kicked...I mean...while my men capture that hacker chick.
SMITH: The orders were for your protection.
LIEUTENANT: How will a bacon double cheeseburger a super sized fry protect me?
SMITH: You never know when you'll get attacked by a grizzly bear.
LIEUTENANT: ...but we're in a really big city in Australia.
SMITH: They're just telling you that so you'll let your guard down. You just never know, Lieutenant.
LIEUTENANT: Rooooooiiiiiiight...but I think we can handle one little girl.
SMITH: I dunno, the female bears can be just as territorial. And hungry.
LIEUTENANT: ...I meant that hacker lady upstairs.
SMITH: Oh. *looks around* *walks away*
LIEUTENANT: I sent two units, three hookers, and a dozen rabid weasels. We're bringing her down now.
SMITH: No, Lieutenant. Your men, whores, and ferrets are already dead.
LIEUTENANT: Good, 'cause now when we catch her, we can charge her with murder and cruelty to animals, too.
CUT TO: UPSTAIRS, WHERE THERE ARE ONLY COPS, WHO ARE CLEARLY ALL ALIVE. EXCEPT FOR THE BRAINDEAD ONE. NO ONE'S QUITE SURE ABOUT HIM.
As Police Guy with a Death Wish gets close to put handcuffs on her, Trinity spins around and breaks his arm in half. Ouch.
PGWADW: Man, I'm glad I bought that rubber arm. Wait...my arm's not rubber! OWIEEEEE!!!
TRINITY: There's something in your nose! *reaches up PGWADW's nose, breaking it in the process* Oohhhh, a button! Pretty button! Shiny button! My preciousssss! *strokes the button* *sees police guy still standing there* It's MY precious! Kawasaki!
Trinity jumps into the air in a super-cool, gravity-defying, camera-switchy way and hangs there for about five minutes.
TRINITY: Okay, you can turn on the gravity now. *kicks PGWADW in chest* Thanks.
As Police Guy with a Death Wish flies backward into Police Guy #1 (who is still nodding), Trinity realizes that she...bum bum bum...DROPPED THE SHINY BUTTON!
TRINITY: MY PRECIOUSSSSSSS!!!! *looks around* Where is it? We wants it back! *sees it under the chair she'd been sitting in* PRECIOUSSSS!!!
In a frenzy to get her button back, she kicks the chair away. It "accidentally" hits Police Guy #2 in the face. Oops.
TRINITY: *sees Police Guy #3 pointing his gun at her* Hang on a sec, I gotta check my wires.
POLICE GUY #3: Uhh...Okay.
TRINITY: *makes some more adjustments* Okay, I'm ready now.
POLICE GUY #3: Yay! *shoots at Trinity*
TRINITY: *runs up and along the wall, "inconspicuously" holding onto one of her wires*
As Trinity hits the ground, she pauses for about five seconds. Police Guy #3 doesn't shoot at her. I guess all the cops are brainless.
TRINITY: *runs forward, grabs Police Guy #3's arm, twists it around, uses his gun to shoot Police Guy #4, then kicks him over her shoulder*
POLICE GUY #4: (desperate for screen time) OW! *dies*
TRINITY: *strikes a nifty pose among the unconscious/dead people*
Wow. That was cool. The first action sequence took ten minutes to write, a minute to read, and thirty seconds to watch. I think I should've just watched it.
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A/N: Well, that was scene one! I hoped you liked, and if you didn't...I'd appreciate it if you kept it to yourself. Flames make me sad. It'll get funnier, randomer, and insaner (even though the last two aren't words) in the next chapters! REVIEW!