A/N: This is chapter 3. That was just for the people who can't count. Or who didn't bother to check. Anyway, I'm enjoying writing this story. Much more fun since I can be insane and also a lot easier since I don't have to think up my own plot, lol.
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Chapter 3
THE NIGHTCLUB
Wow. How insane. People dancing to music that consists mainly of a guy saying "yeah" a bunch of times. But I guess that's what most music is nowadays, huh? Hey, look! It's Choi and Dojour and a bunch of other scary people. Where the heck is Neo?
Ah, there he is, leaning against that wall and either A) being unsociable, or B) so drunk he's about to blow chunks all over those freaky girls in front of him that are touching each other. I hope it's B, 'cause hey, that'd just be funny.
Hey, look, it's Trinity! Wow, while she's walking up to Neo she looks naked! Did anyone else notice that? No? Well...uhh...it's okay, because she's not. The Wachowskis are saving that for "Reloaded".
TRINITY: Hiya, Neo!
NEO: *suddenly paranoid* [A/N: Wait...suddenly?] How do you know my name? Have you been stalking me? Did you put cameras in my shower or into my blender? Huh? WHO ARE YOU?!
TRINITY: My name is Trinity, Neo.
NEO: Trinity Neo?
TRINITY: No, my name is Trinity.
NEO: But you said...
TRINITY: My Neo is name, Trinity.
NEO: Huh?
TRINITY: My Trinity is Neo, Name!
NEO: Uhh...so your...uhh...name is Name?
TRINITY: No, my name is Trinity, Neo!
NEO: Oh...wait...THE Trinity Neo? The one that hacked into that military computer system and pretended to launch a bunch of nuclear missiles at all the other countries in the world and called yourself Joshua and stopped doing it after Matthew Broderick beat you at tic-tac-toe?
TRINITY: I think you've watched War Games a few too many times, buddy.
NEO: Yeah, maybe...then are you the Trinity Neo that hacked into that computer system in that place?
TRINITY: Well, THAT was oddly specific...
NEO: Oh, wait, I know who you are! You're the Trinity Neo who broke the Internet!
TRINITY: ...No, I'm the Trinity Neo-gah, I mean Trinity-who hacked into the IRS thingy, which is why they've been taking more money. Blame it all on me! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
NEO: Rooooiiiiight...
TRINITY: ...but that was a long time ago.
NEO: Jesus.
TRINITY: What?
NEO: Oh, so your name's Jesus now, huh? Trinity Jesus Neo?
TRINITY: No, I mean...why did you say Jesus?
NEO: Uhh...I just thought you were...a guy.
TRINITY: Most guys do.
NEO: Hmm...why is that? You have boobs...that's how guys know who's a girl.
TRINITY: o_O
NEO: So that was you on my computer?
TRINITY: Yeppers.
NEO: How'd you do that? That was really neato!
TRINITY: I'm just special.
NEO: I knew this kid once who was special, and his name was Special Ed and he acted really funny...He couldn't talk very well and he was always hitting himself. Are you Special Ed's sister?
TRINITY: Neo, I'm not that kind of special...
NEO: Oh. Then you're boring.
TRINITY: You won't be saying that a few years from now at the Zion rave...
NEO: Wha?
TRINITY: Nothing! Right now, all I can tell you is that you're in danger. They're watching you, Neo...
NEO: What?
TRINITY: They're watching you, Neo.
NEO: What?
TRINITY: THEY'RE WATCHING YOU, DAMMIT!
NEO: What? I mean...who is?
TRINITY: Just listen. I mean, I know that's a lot to ask of you, you hyperactive...person! I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing. I know why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit at your computer.
AUDIENCE: BAD! BAD! MINDS OUT OF GUTTER! EEEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!
NEO: O_o You're really scaring me, you know...
TRINITY: Yep!
NEO: Is that why you're here?
TRINITY: Yep!
NEO: Does your appearance here have anything to do with what's gonna happen at my office tomorrow?
TRINITY: No, probably not.
NEO: Then can you just tell me what you want really really fast so I can wake up and be half a second late to work and get chewed out by my boss and get a mysterious phone call from Morpheus?
TRINITY: Yeah, sure, why not? You're looking for Morpheus, I was looking for him too, and I found him and he told me I wasn't looking for him, but really an answer to my question about what the Matrix is but that's a bunch of bullshit because he's wrong and I'm right because I SAY SO! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!! Anywho, the answer is out there and it'll find you because the answer is really "Morpheus" and so yeah and...uh...what?
NEO: Umm...if the answer is Morpheus, then...does that mean he's the Matrix?
TRINITY: No. You're just not paying attention. Morpheus will find you if you want him to, which you do because...uhh...that's what you've been doing and so he'll find you and unplug you and you will save the world the end?
NEO: Okay...
ALARM CLOCK: *annoying noise*
TRINITY: *in a dramatic echoing voice* Remember, Neo...You are the one who will open the door...oooohhhhhhhhohohohhhoooohhhhh!!!!
NEO: Microsoft says that word doesn't exist.
TRINITY: It's not a word, it's a sound. And who gives a damn what Microsoft thinks?
NEO: Uh...me?
TRINITY: That's 'cause you're an asshole. Dur. WAKE UP!
NEO: *wakes up* Wow, I'm gonna be doing that a lot in this movie...*shrugs*
CUT TO: REALLY REALLY REALLY BIG BUILDING (AKA NEO'S PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT/WORK/SITTING AROUND PLAYING STARCRAFT ALL DAY PLACE...THINGY...AHH, JUST FORGET IT...
NEO'S BOSS MAN: Yousa in biiiiiiiiiiiiig doodoo dis time, Binksssssssssssssssssssss. I mean...Mr. Anderson. Yousa think you be above authority. Yousa believe you sooooooo special, a big, bombad Jedi, and that da rules don't apply to you...sa...yeah...Basically, I'm just telling you to be at your freaking desk on time forever and ever or else. And I'm gonna use another reference to the future of this movie series thing in my boring lecture that no one cares about: It's time to make a choice, Mr. Anderson. See, 'cause the Oracle's gonna tell you that you already made your choices and stuff...oh, go to your freaking desk already, I already screwed up the order of my lines!
CUT TO: THE WALL OF NEO'S CUBICLE
See? There he is on Battle.Net AGAIN. He needs to...uhh...work? No, I guess that's a bad idea. Continue taking over enemy bases and talking trash, Neo! Hey, I think Neo has a package coming.
FED EX GUY: HEY, THOMAS ANDERSON? I'M COMING TO DELIVER A PACKAGE!
NEO: OKAY, I'M OVER HERE IN THIS CUBICLE!!!
FED EX GUY: OKAY! *walks to cubicle* THOMAS ANDERSON?
NEO: NO, MY NAME'S NEO!
FED EX GUY: OH...*ponders* YOU WANT IT ANYWAY?
NEO: SURE!
FED EX GUY: HERE, SIGN MY FREAKING CLIPBOARD ALREADY!
NEO *signs clipboard* HERE YA GO!
FED EX GUY: THANKS!
NEO: SURE, WHATEVER!
FED EX GUY: ...
NEO: YES?
FED EX GUY: WELL, WHAT IS IT?
NEO: NONE OF YOUR FREAKING BUSINESS!
FED EX GUY: BUT I WANNA SEE!!!
NEO: FINE! *opens up boxelope* [A/N: Box/envelope hybrid type thingy] IT'S A CELL PHONE!
CELL PHONE *starts ringing*
FED EX GUY: AHH!! THAT CELL PHONE IS THE SPAWN OF SATAN! AND I DELIVERED IT! I...MUST...CONFESS! *runs off*
NEO: Uhh...*answers phone* Hi, this is Thomas Anderson, how may I freaking help you, asshole?
MORPHEUS: Get me a freaking pepperoni pizza, fool!
NEO: Okay!
MORPHEUS: Wait, cancel that. I need to tell you what I need to tell you before I tell you other stuff that I have to tell eventually.
NEO: Uhh...okay?
MORPHEUS: Do you know who this is?
*dramatic music*
NEO: F-Father?
MORPHEUS: No. Try again.
*dramatic music*
NEO: ...Laurence Fishburne?
MORPHEUS: ...closer...try again.
NEO: ...Pamela Anderson?
MORPHEUS: No. No, no no! It's MORPHEUS!
NEO: Uhh...who?
MORPHEUS: It's Morpheus! You know, that guy you've been looking for all your life?
NEO: I'm not like that, perv!
MORPHEUS: Never mind...I don't know if you're ready to see what I wanna show you...
AUDIENCE: WHY OH WHY MUST WE BE SO SICK?!?!
NEO: No, I don't think so. *pauses* Well, maybe I am...You got candy?
MORPHEUS: Yep.
NEO: COOL! Strangers have the best candy!
MORPHEUS: Yeah, okay...But I'm gonna show you anyway. They're coming for you, Neo! Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh!
NEO: Microsoft says that's not a word.
MORPHEUS: Oh, not this again...Just stand up and look at the freaking people yourself. They're by the elevator.
NEO: What, right now?
MORPHEUS: Noooooo, in two hours, thirty-four minutes and fifty-two seconds!
NEO: Oh. Okay.
TWO HOURS, THIRTY-FOUR MINUTES AND FIFTY-TWO SECONDS FROM NOW
NEO: *stands up quickly and hits head on cabinet* OW!
MORPHEUS: Do it slowly.
NEO: Thanks for telling me.
MORPHEUS: You're welcome.
NEO: Wait...we don't have an elevator.
MORPHEUS: Then...they're by the stairs.
NEO: We don't have any stairs.
MORPHEUS: ...then how'd you get all the way up there?
NEO: I climbed the building and went through a window.
MORPHEUS: Oh. Then look at the window that you came through.
Hey, that's cool! A bunch of cops and Agents Smith and Jimmy are climbing through the window, just like Morpheus said...the third time...
AGENT SMITH: Next time I'm taking the elevator.
NEO: WE DON'T HAVE AN ELEVATOR!
AGENT SMITH: Oh. Erm...uhh...FIND THE GUY OVER IN THAT CUBICLE STANDING ON THE CHAIR AND YELLING AT US!
MORPHEUS: Hmm...you're in trouble.
NEO: No, ya think?
MORPHEUS: Yep. Wait...I have an idea! See, since the Matrix is a computer simulation, then I can get Tank to do some hacking...and it's a good thing he's the Pac-Man World Champion!
NEO: Uhh...
MORPHEUS: Done. This may feel a little weird...
Then, all of the sudden, Neo's legs magically started moving by themselves! GASP!
MORPHEUS: Okay, Tank, get him to that office with the scaffold outside!
Neo magically ran to the office, instinctively picking up and eating the odd little pellets that littered the floor. When he got to the office, Morpheus started yapping away again.
MORPHEUS: Okay, there's a scaffold outside, go out there and use it to get to the roof.
NEO: Okay, since I'm on the first floor of the building....*looks out window* Make that...thirty-first. Sorry, I have major short-term memory, like Dory. Wait...what was I saying? Oh, yeah. You think I'm stupid enough to try that?
MORPHEUS: Yes.
NEO: Oh. You'd be right! Hey, did you know I can speak whale?
MORPHEUS: ... *hangs up*
NEO: Whyyyyyyyyyy'd youuuuuuu dooooooooo thaaaaaaaaaat?
Neo climbed out the window, clinging onto the glass from the outside like one of those plush Garfield things with the suction cups you always see on car windows. What a weenie. And why is there a wall on the side of a building? AND WHAT THE HECK IS NEO TRYING TO DO TO THAT WALL?!
AUDIENCE: GOD, IT'S LIKE THEY WANT US TO BE PERVERTED!!!!
NEO: Okay, I'm done. I gives up!
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Next chapter: "Hey, I'm on TV!!" and "I must REALLY be wasted..."
A/N: Okay, that's the end of that chapter. Yay for me, I made it slightly longer than the last two! I feel so happy-like! Yes, you know what to do, people. No, I mean AFTER you eat 2435.1976 cheeseburgers. Yeeeeeeeeesssssss, you will reviewwwwwwwwwwww!
Thanks reviewers!
Hobbit-eyes: Thank you very very very very very very very very very very much! I love your parody too!!
rere: Yeah, just picturing that crossover made me laugh so hard I nearly wet myself. Ok, TMI! TMI!!!!
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Chapter 3
THE NIGHTCLUB
Wow. How insane. People dancing to music that consists mainly of a guy saying "yeah" a bunch of times. But I guess that's what most music is nowadays, huh? Hey, look! It's Choi and Dojour and a bunch of other scary people. Where the heck is Neo?
Ah, there he is, leaning against that wall and either A) being unsociable, or B) so drunk he's about to blow chunks all over those freaky girls in front of him that are touching each other. I hope it's B, 'cause hey, that'd just be funny.
Hey, look, it's Trinity! Wow, while she's walking up to Neo she looks naked! Did anyone else notice that? No? Well...uhh...it's okay, because she's not. The Wachowskis are saving that for "Reloaded".
TRINITY: Hiya, Neo!
NEO: *suddenly paranoid* [A/N: Wait...suddenly?] How do you know my name? Have you been stalking me? Did you put cameras in my shower or into my blender? Huh? WHO ARE YOU?!
TRINITY: My name is Trinity, Neo.
NEO: Trinity Neo?
TRINITY: No, my name is Trinity.
NEO: But you said...
TRINITY: My Neo is name, Trinity.
NEO: Huh?
TRINITY: My Trinity is Neo, Name!
NEO: Uhh...so your...uhh...name is Name?
TRINITY: No, my name is Trinity, Neo!
NEO: Oh...wait...THE Trinity Neo? The one that hacked into that military computer system and pretended to launch a bunch of nuclear missiles at all the other countries in the world and called yourself Joshua and stopped doing it after Matthew Broderick beat you at tic-tac-toe?
TRINITY: I think you've watched War Games a few too many times, buddy.
NEO: Yeah, maybe...then are you the Trinity Neo that hacked into that computer system in that place?
TRINITY: Well, THAT was oddly specific...
NEO: Oh, wait, I know who you are! You're the Trinity Neo who broke the Internet!
TRINITY: ...No, I'm the Trinity Neo-gah, I mean Trinity-who hacked into the IRS thingy, which is why they've been taking more money. Blame it all on me! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
NEO: Rooooiiiiight...
TRINITY: ...but that was a long time ago.
NEO: Jesus.
TRINITY: What?
NEO: Oh, so your name's Jesus now, huh? Trinity Jesus Neo?
TRINITY: No, I mean...why did you say Jesus?
NEO: Uhh...I just thought you were...a guy.
TRINITY: Most guys do.
NEO: Hmm...why is that? You have boobs...that's how guys know who's a girl.
TRINITY: o_O
NEO: So that was you on my computer?
TRINITY: Yeppers.
NEO: How'd you do that? That was really neato!
TRINITY: I'm just special.
NEO: I knew this kid once who was special, and his name was Special Ed and he acted really funny...He couldn't talk very well and he was always hitting himself. Are you Special Ed's sister?
TRINITY: Neo, I'm not that kind of special...
NEO: Oh. Then you're boring.
TRINITY: You won't be saying that a few years from now at the Zion rave...
NEO: Wha?
TRINITY: Nothing! Right now, all I can tell you is that you're in danger. They're watching you, Neo...
NEO: What?
TRINITY: They're watching you, Neo.
NEO: What?
TRINITY: THEY'RE WATCHING YOU, DAMMIT!
NEO: What? I mean...who is?
TRINITY: Just listen. I mean, I know that's a lot to ask of you, you hyperactive...person! I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing. I know why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit at your computer.
AUDIENCE: BAD! BAD! MINDS OUT OF GUTTER! EEEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!
NEO: O_o You're really scaring me, you know...
TRINITY: Yep!
NEO: Is that why you're here?
TRINITY: Yep!
NEO: Does your appearance here have anything to do with what's gonna happen at my office tomorrow?
TRINITY: No, probably not.
NEO: Then can you just tell me what you want really really fast so I can wake up and be half a second late to work and get chewed out by my boss and get a mysterious phone call from Morpheus?
TRINITY: Yeah, sure, why not? You're looking for Morpheus, I was looking for him too, and I found him and he told me I wasn't looking for him, but really an answer to my question about what the Matrix is but that's a bunch of bullshit because he's wrong and I'm right because I SAY SO! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!! Anywho, the answer is out there and it'll find you because the answer is really "Morpheus" and so yeah and...uh...what?
NEO: Umm...if the answer is Morpheus, then...does that mean he's the Matrix?
TRINITY: No. You're just not paying attention. Morpheus will find you if you want him to, which you do because...uhh...that's what you've been doing and so he'll find you and unplug you and you will save the world the end?
NEO: Okay...
ALARM CLOCK: *annoying noise*
TRINITY: *in a dramatic echoing voice* Remember, Neo...You are the one who will open the door...oooohhhhhhhhohohohhhoooohhhhh!!!!
NEO: Microsoft says that word doesn't exist.
TRINITY: It's not a word, it's a sound. And who gives a damn what Microsoft thinks?
NEO: Uh...me?
TRINITY: That's 'cause you're an asshole. Dur. WAKE UP!
NEO: *wakes up* Wow, I'm gonna be doing that a lot in this movie...*shrugs*
CUT TO: REALLY REALLY REALLY BIG BUILDING (AKA NEO'S PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT/WORK/SITTING AROUND PLAYING STARCRAFT ALL DAY PLACE...THINGY...AHH, JUST FORGET IT...
NEO'S BOSS MAN: Yousa in biiiiiiiiiiiiig doodoo dis time, Binksssssssssssssssssssss. I mean...Mr. Anderson. Yousa think you be above authority. Yousa believe you sooooooo special, a big, bombad Jedi, and that da rules don't apply to you...sa...yeah...Basically, I'm just telling you to be at your freaking desk on time forever and ever or else. And I'm gonna use another reference to the future of this movie series thing in my boring lecture that no one cares about: It's time to make a choice, Mr. Anderson. See, 'cause the Oracle's gonna tell you that you already made your choices and stuff...oh, go to your freaking desk already, I already screwed up the order of my lines!
CUT TO: THE WALL OF NEO'S CUBICLE
See? There he is on Battle.Net AGAIN. He needs to...uhh...work? No, I guess that's a bad idea. Continue taking over enemy bases and talking trash, Neo! Hey, I think Neo has a package coming.
FED EX GUY: HEY, THOMAS ANDERSON? I'M COMING TO DELIVER A PACKAGE!
NEO: OKAY, I'M OVER HERE IN THIS CUBICLE!!!
FED EX GUY: OKAY! *walks to cubicle* THOMAS ANDERSON?
NEO: NO, MY NAME'S NEO!
FED EX GUY: OH...*ponders* YOU WANT IT ANYWAY?
NEO: SURE!
FED EX GUY: HERE, SIGN MY FREAKING CLIPBOARD ALREADY!
NEO *signs clipboard* HERE YA GO!
FED EX GUY: THANKS!
NEO: SURE, WHATEVER!
FED EX GUY: ...
NEO: YES?
FED EX GUY: WELL, WHAT IS IT?
NEO: NONE OF YOUR FREAKING BUSINESS!
FED EX GUY: BUT I WANNA SEE!!!
NEO: FINE! *opens up boxelope* [A/N: Box/envelope hybrid type thingy] IT'S A CELL PHONE!
CELL PHONE *starts ringing*
FED EX GUY: AHH!! THAT CELL PHONE IS THE SPAWN OF SATAN! AND I DELIVERED IT! I...MUST...CONFESS! *runs off*
NEO: Uhh...*answers phone* Hi, this is Thomas Anderson, how may I freaking help you, asshole?
MORPHEUS: Get me a freaking pepperoni pizza, fool!
NEO: Okay!
MORPHEUS: Wait, cancel that. I need to tell you what I need to tell you before I tell you other stuff that I have to tell eventually.
NEO: Uhh...okay?
MORPHEUS: Do you know who this is?
*dramatic music*
NEO: F-Father?
MORPHEUS: No. Try again.
*dramatic music*
NEO: ...Laurence Fishburne?
MORPHEUS: ...closer...try again.
NEO: ...Pamela Anderson?
MORPHEUS: No. No, no no! It's MORPHEUS!
NEO: Uhh...who?
MORPHEUS: It's Morpheus! You know, that guy you've been looking for all your life?
NEO: I'm not like that, perv!
MORPHEUS: Never mind...I don't know if you're ready to see what I wanna show you...
AUDIENCE: WHY OH WHY MUST WE BE SO SICK?!?!
NEO: No, I don't think so. *pauses* Well, maybe I am...You got candy?
MORPHEUS: Yep.
NEO: COOL! Strangers have the best candy!
MORPHEUS: Yeah, okay...But I'm gonna show you anyway. They're coming for you, Neo! Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh!
NEO: Microsoft says that's not a word.
MORPHEUS: Oh, not this again...Just stand up and look at the freaking people yourself. They're by the elevator.
NEO: What, right now?
MORPHEUS: Noooooo, in two hours, thirty-four minutes and fifty-two seconds!
NEO: Oh. Okay.
TWO HOURS, THIRTY-FOUR MINUTES AND FIFTY-TWO SECONDS FROM NOW
NEO: *stands up quickly and hits head on cabinet* OW!
MORPHEUS: Do it slowly.
NEO: Thanks for telling me.
MORPHEUS: You're welcome.
NEO: Wait...we don't have an elevator.
MORPHEUS: Then...they're by the stairs.
NEO: We don't have any stairs.
MORPHEUS: ...then how'd you get all the way up there?
NEO: I climbed the building and went through a window.
MORPHEUS: Oh. Then look at the window that you came through.
Hey, that's cool! A bunch of cops and Agents Smith and Jimmy are climbing through the window, just like Morpheus said...the third time...
AGENT SMITH: Next time I'm taking the elevator.
NEO: WE DON'T HAVE AN ELEVATOR!
AGENT SMITH: Oh. Erm...uhh...FIND THE GUY OVER IN THAT CUBICLE STANDING ON THE CHAIR AND YELLING AT US!
MORPHEUS: Hmm...you're in trouble.
NEO: No, ya think?
MORPHEUS: Yep. Wait...I have an idea! See, since the Matrix is a computer simulation, then I can get Tank to do some hacking...and it's a good thing he's the Pac-Man World Champion!
NEO: Uhh...
MORPHEUS: Done. This may feel a little weird...
Then, all of the sudden, Neo's legs magically started moving by themselves! GASP!
MORPHEUS: Okay, Tank, get him to that office with the scaffold outside!
Neo magically ran to the office, instinctively picking up and eating the odd little pellets that littered the floor. When he got to the office, Morpheus started yapping away again.
MORPHEUS: Okay, there's a scaffold outside, go out there and use it to get to the roof.
NEO: Okay, since I'm on the first floor of the building....*looks out window* Make that...thirty-first. Sorry, I have major short-term memory, like Dory. Wait...what was I saying? Oh, yeah. You think I'm stupid enough to try that?
MORPHEUS: Yes.
NEO: Oh. You'd be right! Hey, did you know I can speak whale?
MORPHEUS: ... *hangs up*
NEO: Whyyyyyyyyyy'd youuuuuuu dooooooooo thaaaaaaaaaat?
Neo climbed out the window, clinging onto the glass from the outside like one of those plush Garfield things with the suction cups you always see on car windows. What a weenie. And why is there a wall on the side of a building? AND WHAT THE HECK IS NEO TRYING TO DO TO THAT WALL?!
AUDIENCE: GOD, IT'S LIKE THEY WANT US TO BE PERVERTED!!!!
NEO: Okay, I'm done. I gives up!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Next chapter: "Hey, I'm on TV!!" and "I must REALLY be wasted..."
A/N: Okay, that's the end of that chapter. Yay for me, I made it slightly longer than the last two! I feel so happy-like! Yes, you know what to do, people. No, I mean AFTER you eat 2435.1976 cheeseburgers. Yeeeeeeeeesssssss, you will reviewwwwwwwwwwww!
Thanks reviewers!
Hobbit-eyes: Thank you very very very very very very very very very very much! I love your parody too!!
rere: Yeah, just picturing that crossover made me laugh so hard I nearly wet myself. Ok, TMI! TMI!!!!