A/N: OKAY! CHAPTER SIX! Sorry this took me so damn long to post...I dunno what happened to the fairly quick updatey-ness. Well, without further ado, here it goes! The beginning of the chapter provides much randomness, and it'll probably take quite awhile til I get back on track!
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Chapter 6
Ah, the slimy slime pod. Thing. No one knows what it is, other than a lumpy thing with a bunch of tubey wiry things. And some hands.
NEO: *reaches up and breaks through pod casing thing* Yummy, liquefied dead people! The other other OTHER white meat! Hey, how'd this get here? *pulls giant tube out of nose/throat* GAG! COUGH! ACK! Wow, I have a thing in my head. And lookit all those pods! *looks down to see lightning* AHH! TRINITY MUST BE HERE SPYING ON ME! *shouts into the air* I'M NOT DECENT! GO AWAY, TRINITY!
GIRLS IN AUDIENCE: *realize they're seeing Keanu Reeves naked* YAY!
GUYS IN AUDIENCE: *realize they're seeing Keanu Reeves naked* Aww...that blew our last chance of getting laid!
DOG IN AUDIENCE: Woof! Arf! Bark!
FERRET IN AUDIENCE: Beep! Hop! Jump! Hiss!
DYING GIRAFFE IN AUDIENCE: Mwahl! Mwahl! Nya! Wait, what sound DOES a dying giraffe make?
SOME GUY NAMED STEVE IRWIN IN THE AUDIENCE: Crikey! A dying giraffe! Let's help the bloke!
Suddenly, a helicopter and a bunch of guys in Jeeps come into the theater.
OBLIVIOUS DUDE: Is it just me, or does this theater seem crowded?
OTHER UNIMPORTANT AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hey! Down in front! Keep it down!
HELICOPTER PILOT: Oops, sorry, I forgot to set the helicopter to whisper!
After that, the giraffe's rescue went off without a hitch. Steve Irwin was arrested shortly thereafter for being insane and not having a passport, since the premier was suddenly moved to the U.S. without warning. As for the helicopter and Jeeps…they stayed for the remainder of the movie since it had also somehow changed into a drive-in. Freeeeaaaaky.
NEO: Now that all the attention has been reverted back to me, I shall do the chicken dance! *does the Electric Slide*
ROBOT: That's not the chicken dance! DIE! *strangles Neo*
OTHER ROBOT: Now, Joey, what'd I say about strangling humans?
JOEY ROBOT: Uhh...do it as much as possible?
MOM ROBOT: No. What'd I REALLY say?
JOEY: I don't wanna say it!
MOM: Say it!
JOEY: I don't wanna!
MOM: Be a good boy for Mommy and say it, Stuart! I mean...Joey!
JOEY: *sighs* You should only strangle a human long enough to remove the large wire from the backs of their heads and fly away so they are able to be flushed down the toilet like a dead goldfish.
MOM: Good boy! Now let him go.
JOEY: I don't wanna.
MOM: Let him go.
JOEY: I dun wanna!
MOM: Joeeeeey! Look at him, he's turning pale and all his hair's gone!
JOEY: Mom, I swear I found him like that!
MOM: Let him go!
JOEY: Fine...*lets go*
MOM: Good boy. Now run along and strangle some other humans, but do it properly this time, okay?
JOEY: Yes, mother...
Neo is more than a little confused. And more than half dead. But that's beside the point. The magical wires of DOOM (as everything is 'of DOOM' when you're confused and in severe pain) began popping out of him in a very painful-sounding manner.
NEO: OUCH! OWIE! PAIN!
Yep, I thought so. Suddenly, Joey came back!
JOEY: Sorry, I forgot this one didn't have the automatic flushers installed. *pushes button*
NEO: AHHH!!!
JOEY: (shouting into hole Neo went through) BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELT, DOROTHY, BECAUSE KANSAS...
NEO: SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!
After what looks like a "fun" trip through the "sewage system of the real" (its new official name, since it was discovered that adding "of the real" to the end of anything made it sound cooler. Adding "in my pants" to the end of anything, however, made things funny. Especially book titles. 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets...IN MY PANTS!'), Neo falls and falls until landing in a giant pool of water, where he sinks faster than something that sinks really fast. Then a claw comes down and grabs him.
NEO: I KNEW IT! The real world is really one of those cheap claw machines!
MORPHEUS: I hope you enjoyed your trip through the scenic sewers of the real! And may I say that it is an honor to be the first to say "Welcome...to the real world".
NEO: ...I'm on the Real World? COOL! *points at Trinity* Is she my lover who shall have sex with me causing me to be all angsty about how I have a girlfriend back home that I'm still with?
MORPHEUS: ...not that kind of real world.
NEO: Oh. Then this is boring. *goes all unconscious*
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MORPHEUS: We've done it, Trinity. We've found him.
TRINITY: Found who?
MORPHEUS: Neo.
TRINITY: Who?
MORPHEUS: Naked guy on the table.
TRINITY: Oh, right. Well, I hope you're right about him being all One-y and whatnot.
MORPHEUS: I don't have to hope. I know. I know all. For I...AM A MOVIE-SUE!
TRINITY: *gasps* You're a boy named Sue?
MORPHEUS: ...nevermind.
NEO: *wakes up again* Am I dead?
MORPHEUS: Far from it.
NEO: What, I'm REALLY dead? *sees Trinity* I AM dead! And if she's here, I must be...NOOOO!! WHERE HAVE I GONE WRONG IN MY RELIGIOUS PRACTICES?! *goes unconscious...again*
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Whoa. We must have accidentally stepped into the area where the author of the book "Acupuncture for Stupid Idiots like Yourself" is examining the procedure. Neo looks like a porcupine, or one of those spiky things from Crash Bandicoot.
DOZER: He still needs a lotta work. What'd you bring him in for again?
MORPHEUS: A tire rotation and an oil change. It's been 3,000 miles.
DOZER: Ah, I see.
NEO: *wakes up* What are you doing?
DOZER: Hmm...let's think...hundreds of needles in your skin, your muscles are all funky...yep, we're doing brain surgery!
NEO: Oh, okay. Just asking.
MORPHEUS: No, your muscles have just atrophied. We're rebuilding them. With needles and various other pointy objects.
NEO: Oh. Why do my eyes hurt?
MORPHEUS: Because you're staring up into blinding white lights.
NEO: Ah.
MORPHEUS: Rest, Neo, the answers will come soon.
NEO: Whatever, as long as I get to sleep. More. *falls asleep*
Wow, various scenes of weird stuff with Neo's pluggy things and the needles. Seems kinda pointless.
NEO: I have awoken! Again! Go me! Wow, I wonder how they got all these clothes on me! I'm like an army man, complete with my combat boots and...*looks at arm*...a heroin needle?
FLASHBACK!!!
BARNEY THE ANNOYING PURPLE DINOSAUR: Now, remember kids, don't do drugs or you'll end up like me! Whoopdee-dee!
TODDLER NEO: (bouncing up and down in front of TV) Don't do dwugs!
BARNEY: Now, kids, it's time to learn college level calculus so you don't end up like me! Whoopee!
END FLASHBACK!
NEO: DWUGS BAD! *pulls out extremely long needle* OW! Hmm...Must feel the back of my head! *reaches back sloooooowly*
As his hand reaches the plug thing, Morpheus opens the door rather loudly.
NEO: Morpheus, what's happened to me? What is this place? What's the square root of 15,129? State the converse of the following statement: If it is snowing outside, then it is cold.
MORPHEUS: Nothing, a hovercraft, one-hundred twenty three, and If it is cold outside, then it is snowing.
NEO: Wow, you DO know everything.
MORPHEUS: I know. But more important than 'where' is when'.
NEO: When?
MORPHEUS: You believe it is the year 1999 when in fact it's closer to 2199. I can't tell you exactly what year it is because I skipped out on buying the Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar a few years, and I lost track.
NEO: Oh.
MORPHEUS: Now that we have that settled, come meet the Krusty Krew!
NEO: Your crew's crusty?
MORPHEUS: Don't you ever watch SpongeBob Squarepants?
NEO: No.
MORPHEUS: Nevermind then. Follow me anyway.
NEO: Okay.
MORPHEUS: This is my ship, the Nebuchadnezzar. I think.
NEO: Who's that?
MORPHEUS: Ah, no one important, just an ancient Babylonian emperor with a garden.
NEO: Oh.
MORPHEUS: And if you look to your left, you will see the ship's core. Look to your immediate right to see some random computer equipment. I'm not quite sure what it's used for. You already know most of my crew. My posse. My clique. My homies.
NEO: Uhh...
MORPHEUS: But, for the sake of the audience, I will clearly repeat everyone's names so they are not confused.
AUDIENCE: You're a little too late for that, Morpheus.
MORPHEUS: This is Apoc, Switch, and Cypher. They're all idiots who deserve to die in some weird way. Like maybe being manually unplugged from the Matrix or shot with a big electricity gun of some sort. The ones you don't know are Tank, the one with the annoying smile, and his older brother Dozer, master of the one-liner. The little bug-eyed, shifty-looking one behind you is Mouse. I guess that's how he got his name.
NEO: Well, I'm glad to know you are employing the mentally handicapped to work with you on this ship.
MORPHEUS: Yes, Tank was very appreciative when we took him in.
TANK: Heeeeeeeey!
MORPHEUS: You wanted to know what the Matrix is?
NEO: Sure, why not?
MORPHEUS: Too bad, the chapter's over! MWAHAHAHA!
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A/N: Okay, I suppose you guys deserve a longer chapter after I made you wait so long for it. But my inspiration is back (one of the reasons I wasn't writing was because it took me forever to think of something for the slime pod scene), so I might update faster again.
Thankers reviewers of niceyness (the rest of whom are getting lazy...where'd the reviewers go?!)
Hobbit-eyes: Okay, now you're trying to confuse me. In your chapter 4 review you said Agent Smith was stoopid, and when I called him stoopid in your callout, you defended him in your review. Me so confused...I think I'll start parodying LotR as well, since we just bought the DVD for TTT, and though I want to read the books I have no money...and thanks for liking my parody!
alocin: Yes, wasn't the seagulls' ability so obvious? How could you have not seen it? And I think you mean "doomyness". It's Hobbit-eyes's parody that has the madness.
A Retard: Mwahahaha, I got you to review! Yay! Notice how I was more random in this chapter? I owe it all to you! Yay!
theshiz: Hehe, like your name! It's okay, you don't have to show enthusiasm. Yeah, Mouse is cool. I bet you kinda got mad that I almost called him mentally handicapped, but I turned it on Tank because I was thinking of you! lol. And your grammar's not bad (trust me, not only have I seen worse, but it's fine, don't worry about it!)
You people DO realize that you are the ONLY reviewers for the last chapter? I feel so unloved...but I hate begging for reviews, so could you do it for me? lol, just kidding.
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Chapter 6
Ah, the slimy slime pod. Thing. No one knows what it is, other than a lumpy thing with a bunch of tubey wiry things. And some hands.
NEO: *reaches up and breaks through pod casing thing* Yummy, liquefied dead people! The other other OTHER white meat! Hey, how'd this get here? *pulls giant tube out of nose/throat* GAG! COUGH! ACK! Wow, I have a thing in my head. And lookit all those pods! *looks down to see lightning* AHH! TRINITY MUST BE HERE SPYING ON ME! *shouts into the air* I'M NOT DECENT! GO AWAY, TRINITY!
GIRLS IN AUDIENCE: *realize they're seeing Keanu Reeves naked* YAY!
GUYS IN AUDIENCE: *realize they're seeing Keanu Reeves naked* Aww...that blew our last chance of getting laid!
DOG IN AUDIENCE: Woof! Arf! Bark!
FERRET IN AUDIENCE: Beep! Hop! Jump! Hiss!
DYING GIRAFFE IN AUDIENCE: Mwahl! Mwahl! Nya! Wait, what sound DOES a dying giraffe make?
SOME GUY NAMED STEVE IRWIN IN THE AUDIENCE: Crikey! A dying giraffe! Let's help the bloke!
Suddenly, a helicopter and a bunch of guys in Jeeps come into the theater.
OBLIVIOUS DUDE: Is it just me, or does this theater seem crowded?
OTHER UNIMPORTANT AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hey! Down in front! Keep it down!
HELICOPTER PILOT: Oops, sorry, I forgot to set the helicopter to whisper!
After that, the giraffe's rescue went off without a hitch. Steve Irwin was arrested shortly thereafter for being insane and not having a passport, since the premier was suddenly moved to the U.S. without warning. As for the helicopter and Jeeps…they stayed for the remainder of the movie since it had also somehow changed into a drive-in. Freeeeaaaaky.
NEO: Now that all the attention has been reverted back to me, I shall do the chicken dance! *does the Electric Slide*
ROBOT: That's not the chicken dance! DIE! *strangles Neo*
OTHER ROBOT: Now, Joey, what'd I say about strangling humans?
JOEY ROBOT: Uhh...do it as much as possible?
MOM ROBOT: No. What'd I REALLY say?
JOEY: I don't wanna say it!
MOM: Say it!
JOEY: I don't wanna!
MOM: Be a good boy for Mommy and say it, Stuart! I mean...Joey!
JOEY: *sighs* You should only strangle a human long enough to remove the large wire from the backs of their heads and fly away so they are able to be flushed down the toilet like a dead goldfish.
MOM: Good boy! Now let him go.
JOEY: I don't wanna.
MOM: Let him go.
JOEY: I dun wanna!
MOM: Joeeeeey! Look at him, he's turning pale and all his hair's gone!
JOEY: Mom, I swear I found him like that!
MOM: Let him go!
JOEY: Fine...*lets go*
MOM: Good boy. Now run along and strangle some other humans, but do it properly this time, okay?
JOEY: Yes, mother...
Neo is more than a little confused. And more than half dead. But that's beside the point. The magical wires of DOOM (as everything is 'of DOOM' when you're confused and in severe pain) began popping out of him in a very painful-sounding manner.
NEO: OUCH! OWIE! PAIN!
Yep, I thought so. Suddenly, Joey came back!
JOEY: Sorry, I forgot this one didn't have the automatic flushers installed. *pushes button*
NEO: AHHH!!!
JOEY: (shouting into hole Neo went through) BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELT, DOROTHY, BECAUSE KANSAS...
NEO: SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!
After what looks like a "fun" trip through the "sewage system of the real" (its new official name, since it was discovered that adding "of the real" to the end of anything made it sound cooler. Adding "in my pants" to the end of anything, however, made things funny. Especially book titles. 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets...IN MY PANTS!'), Neo falls and falls until landing in a giant pool of water, where he sinks faster than something that sinks really fast. Then a claw comes down and grabs him.
NEO: I KNEW IT! The real world is really one of those cheap claw machines!
MORPHEUS: I hope you enjoyed your trip through the scenic sewers of the real! And may I say that it is an honor to be the first to say "Welcome...to the real world".
NEO: ...I'm on the Real World? COOL! *points at Trinity* Is she my lover who shall have sex with me causing me to be all angsty about how I have a girlfriend back home that I'm still with?
MORPHEUS: ...not that kind of real world.
NEO: Oh. Then this is boring. *goes all unconscious*
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MORPHEUS: We've done it, Trinity. We've found him.
TRINITY: Found who?
MORPHEUS: Neo.
TRINITY: Who?
MORPHEUS: Naked guy on the table.
TRINITY: Oh, right. Well, I hope you're right about him being all One-y and whatnot.
MORPHEUS: I don't have to hope. I know. I know all. For I...AM A MOVIE-SUE!
TRINITY: *gasps* You're a boy named Sue?
MORPHEUS: ...nevermind.
NEO: *wakes up again* Am I dead?
MORPHEUS: Far from it.
NEO: What, I'm REALLY dead? *sees Trinity* I AM dead! And if she's here, I must be...NOOOO!! WHERE HAVE I GONE WRONG IN MY RELIGIOUS PRACTICES?! *goes unconscious...again*
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Whoa. We must have accidentally stepped into the area where the author of the book "Acupuncture for Stupid Idiots like Yourself" is examining the procedure. Neo looks like a porcupine, or one of those spiky things from Crash Bandicoot.
DOZER: He still needs a lotta work. What'd you bring him in for again?
MORPHEUS: A tire rotation and an oil change. It's been 3,000 miles.
DOZER: Ah, I see.
NEO: *wakes up* What are you doing?
DOZER: Hmm...let's think...hundreds of needles in your skin, your muscles are all funky...yep, we're doing brain surgery!
NEO: Oh, okay. Just asking.
MORPHEUS: No, your muscles have just atrophied. We're rebuilding them. With needles and various other pointy objects.
NEO: Oh. Why do my eyes hurt?
MORPHEUS: Because you're staring up into blinding white lights.
NEO: Ah.
MORPHEUS: Rest, Neo, the answers will come soon.
NEO: Whatever, as long as I get to sleep. More. *falls asleep*
Wow, various scenes of weird stuff with Neo's pluggy things and the needles. Seems kinda pointless.
NEO: I have awoken! Again! Go me! Wow, I wonder how they got all these clothes on me! I'm like an army man, complete with my combat boots and...*looks at arm*...a heroin needle?
FLASHBACK!!!
BARNEY THE ANNOYING PURPLE DINOSAUR: Now, remember kids, don't do drugs or you'll end up like me! Whoopdee-dee!
TODDLER NEO: (bouncing up and down in front of TV) Don't do dwugs!
BARNEY: Now, kids, it's time to learn college level calculus so you don't end up like me! Whoopee!
END FLASHBACK!
NEO: DWUGS BAD! *pulls out extremely long needle* OW! Hmm...Must feel the back of my head! *reaches back sloooooowly*
As his hand reaches the plug thing, Morpheus opens the door rather loudly.
NEO: Morpheus, what's happened to me? What is this place? What's the square root of 15,129? State the converse of the following statement: If it is snowing outside, then it is cold.
MORPHEUS: Nothing, a hovercraft, one-hundred twenty three, and If it is cold outside, then it is snowing.
NEO: Wow, you DO know everything.
MORPHEUS: I know. But more important than 'where' is when'.
NEO: When?
MORPHEUS: You believe it is the year 1999 when in fact it's closer to 2199. I can't tell you exactly what year it is because I skipped out on buying the Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar a few years, and I lost track.
NEO: Oh.
MORPHEUS: Now that we have that settled, come meet the Krusty Krew!
NEO: Your crew's crusty?
MORPHEUS: Don't you ever watch SpongeBob Squarepants?
NEO: No.
MORPHEUS: Nevermind then. Follow me anyway.
NEO: Okay.
MORPHEUS: This is my ship, the Nebuchadnezzar. I think.
NEO: Who's that?
MORPHEUS: Ah, no one important, just an ancient Babylonian emperor with a garden.
NEO: Oh.
MORPHEUS: And if you look to your left, you will see the ship's core. Look to your immediate right to see some random computer equipment. I'm not quite sure what it's used for. You already know most of my crew. My posse. My clique. My homies.
NEO: Uhh...
MORPHEUS: But, for the sake of the audience, I will clearly repeat everyone's names so they are not confused.
AUDIENCE: You're a little too late for that, Morpheus.
MORPHEUS: This is Apoc, Switch, and Cypher. They're all idiots who deserve to die in some weird way. Like maybe being manually unplugged from the Matrix or shot with a big electricity gun of some sort. The ones you don't know are Tank, the one with the annoying smile, and his older brother Dozer, master of the one-liner. The little bug-eyed, shifty-looking one behind you is Mouse. I guess that's how he got his name.
NEO: Well, I'm glad to know you are employing the mentally handicapped to work with you on this ship.
MORPHEUS: Yes, Tank was very appreciative when we took him in.
TANK: Heeeeeeeey!
MORPHEUS: You wanted to know what the Matrix is?
NEO: Sure, why not?
MORPHEUS: Too bad, the chapter's over! MWAHAHAHA!
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A/N: Okay, I suppose you guys deserve a longer chapter after I made you wait so long for it. But my inspiration is back (one of the reasons I wasn't writing was because it took me forever to think of something for the slime pod scene), so I might update faster again.
Thankers reviewers of niceyness (the rest of whom are getting lazy...where'd the reviewers go?!)
Hobbit-eyes: Okay, now you're trying to confuse me. In your chapter 4 review you said Agent Smith was stoopid, and when I called him stoopid in your callout, you defended him in your review. Me so confused...I think I'll start parodying LotR as well, since we just bought the DVD for TTT, and though I want to read the books I have no money...and thanks for liking my parody!
alocin: Yes, wasn't the seagulls' ability so obvious? How could you have not seen it? And I think you mean "doomyness". It's Hobbit-eyes's parody that has the madness.
A Retard: Mwahahaha, I got you to review! Yay! Notice how I was more random in this chapter? I owe it all to you! Yay!
theshiz: Hehe, like your name! It's okay, you don't have to show enthusiasm. Yeah, Mouse is cool. I bet you kinda got mad that I almost called him mentally handicapped, but I turned it on Tank because I was thinking of you! lol. And your grammar's not bad (trust me, not only have I seen worse, but it's fine, don't worry about it!)
You people DO realize that you are the ONLY reviewers for the last chapter? I feel so unloved...but I hate begging for reviews, so could you do it for me? lol, just kidding.