Why Root is so Fat

A Report by J. Cumulus

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: First fic. Well actually, I had another AF fic before, but then it get banned for swearing at a flamer, and all my 72 good reviews gone!

LEP Training Facility, 1526 A.D.

Cadet Julius Root kicked the rubber dummy in the groin. Bad move.

            "D'arvit!" roared Root, hopping around on one foot swearing. Unfortunately for him, the Commander Panix had decided to put in metal groin protectors on the dummies to encourage the trainees to play fair. Grumbling, Root set off to the firing range.

            Upon arrival, he expertly and macho-ly picked up a Sig Sauer. Top of the line technology these days, no more arrows for him. The Mud Men still used arrows. Root sighed. Barbarians. Taking careful aim, he emptied the entire clip into the virtual face of King Arthur. His damn magic nearly cost Root his career. Seven other fairies plugged away at various targets, mainly Lancelot and Merlin. Among the cadets were Briar Cudgeon and Nate Eregon. Cudgeon's aim was near perfect, his Sig Sauer blowing holes through a holo of Lancelot.

            Suddenly, the ground shook. Cudgeon slipped and nearly gave Nate a second butt h.... butt.... yeah.

            "What the hell?!" exclaimed Nate as blue sparks played over his cheeks. Not the cheeks near his nose, mind you. Peering out the window, Cudgeon chuckled. Goblins.

            Wouldn't you know it, the most stupid creatures on the planet

attacking a LEP training facility. According to Eoin Colfer, "Two and two makes four." Couldn't have put it better myself.

            Corporal Gaxta led his ragtag militia to the door. Wielding his musket by the barrel, he tapped the wood.

            Root opened the door.

            "What up, homie??" asked Root, before impaling the slimy green booger with a fork. Delighted, the rest of the goblins fought over the fork, which in turn enabled them to dig deep into the delicacy of Gaxta's cranium. Eww.

            Upon finishing their treat, they looked up to find 50-something LEP cadets wielding giant handguns and rifles. Root, deciding against casualties, rushed up to the remaining goblins and rendered them unconscious with the butt of his handgun. Cudgeon had different philosophies. He quickly fired 7 shots into the goblins. One hit Root in the stomach.

            Now I know in the first book Foaly says that if an fairy were to be hit with a Devastator Slug, they would be helpless. But keep in mind this is the 1500's, and even though fairy technology far surpassed the humans', the Devastator Slug failed to kill Root. At least not yet. He would have some stomach problems later, but for now he was ok.

            Providing he had medical attention. His healing powers were only so limited since he was an untrained idiot. The sparks replaced lost blood, but the slug still remained lodged in his stomach.

            A warlock appeared. "D'arvit, get out of the way!!" He quickly stripped off his gloves and laid them on Root's chest. "Heal," he breathed, and let the magic scurry from his fingers.

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Root awoke in a hospital bed. His first thought was, "Dammit that hurts!" and his second was, "I'm hungry."

            When he was healed, the Slug was removed, but to replace the stomach lining of the hole it had made, the magic expanded the stomach, taking lining from other parts. The result was a larger stomach with a thinner lining.

            Root hurried to the hospital cafeteria. After showing the lunch lady person his clearance for free food (his Sig Sauer), he helped himself to microwaved fried chicken and something that resembled mashed potatoes. God knows what it really was.

Need ideas for chapter 2, please review.