A/N: Don't hate me because I'm evil and take forever to update. When was my last update, anyway? *checks FF.Net* GASP! ALMOST TWO WEEKS?! Damn, I SHOULD feel bad…but I don't. Maybe it has something to do with "absence of soul". Hmm…oh, and a couple of my friends have cameos here. Well, quite a few of them do. Don't mind them, just added for extra randomness. The thing about the towel is from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and everything else is from random places.
Disclaimer: Didn't I say in the first chapter that I would stop writing these? Hmm…wow, I say "Hmm…" a lot. Anyway. Me. No. Own. Matrix. MNOM! So all you lawyers cleverly disguising yourselves as telemarketers (they say things like "Have you recently written a parody of a film without written consent of the creators and with an absent disclaimer?" Almost fooled me.) need to get away from me. I won't hesitate to create lawyer repellent.
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Chapter 10
SCENE: DOJO! MORPHEUS, YET AGAIN, IS POSING AS VANNA WHITE AND DOING AN ARM SWEEPY THING.
MORPHEUS: This is a sparring program, kinda like the reality of the Matrix.
NEO: *looks around* Aww, I thought we were gonna fight!
MORPHEUS: *mumbling* Note to self: have Tank download the latest thesaurus into Neo.
NEO: Hey, I can hear you. You're mumbling a little too loudly.
MORPHEUS: Yeah, whatever.
NEO: Yep. So this is like…the Matrix?
MORPHEUS: Yeah, like totally dude. It has the same rules. Like gravity. It's like a computer system, blah blah blah, rules bent and broken, blah blah, you following me?
NEO: Yeah, sure.
MORPHEUS: Good. Cause none of that crap matters. We're here to play video games!
(A big screen TV and a PS2 pop up out of nowhere)
NEO: Cool!!!!
MORPHEUS: You say you know all of Kasumi's combos?
NEO: Yeah!
MORPHEUS: Then hit me…if you can. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
(The game loads. Neo is playing as Kasumi, and Morpheus is playing as Hayabusa.)
NEO: Heeeeey, how come I have to play as the girl? *sulks*
MORPHEUS: Because you chose to.
NEO: Oh. Right.
(They go on playing Dead or Alive for awhile, Neo constantly failing to beat up Morpheus.)
MORPHEUS: You suck!!!
NEO: Well…well…you're…you're a little girly ninja man!
MORPHEUS: Nuh-uh! I'm a shinobi! And I have my own video game, so BEAT THAT!
NEO: Ninja Gaiden? Pfft, is that the best you have?!
(Apparently, Neo and Morpheus have been sucked into the game, and are now talking to each other as if they are really characters from the game. Morpheus is in Hayabusa's outfit with a ninja mask and a sword that, like many fighters with swords, he is unable to use. Neo is in a blue and white dress thing.)
MORPHEUS: W00T! I own you, n00b!
NEO: I can take that in sooooo many ways…
MORPHEUS: Stop being perverted and HIT ME!!
NEO: I would, but you keep breaking my arms and throwing me really high in the sky and slamming me down on my head and shoving me into jagged rocks and tossing me off cliffs and this has to be the longest run-on sentence I've ever spoken!
MEANWHILE, IN THE REAL WORLD…
MOUSE: *runs into the cafeteria/dining room/whatever you wanna call it* Neo's wearing a blue and white dress thing!
EVERYONE: …
MOUSE: You can see his panties!
EVERYONE: …o_O
MOUSE: And he's fighting Morpheus!
EVERYONE: …
(Crickets chirp)
MOUSE: …Who's dressed in a ninja suit!
EVERYONE: COOL! *runs out*
MEANWHILE, IN THE GAME…
NEO: Come on, Morpheus…
MORPHEUS: What?
NEO: You keep grabbing my fist when I try to punch you and then you go and throw me off a cliff! That's no way to treat a lady! Err…I mean…me!
MORPHEUS: Well duh, that's how you defend! It's called a counterattack.
NEO: Don't try to confuse me with big words. I know a word with THREE syllables, so HA!
MORPHEUS: *clapping rhythmically* Coun-ter-a-ttack. Hmm…that has four syllables.
NEO: NOOO!!! I'm CONFUSED!!!
MEANWHILE, IN THE REAL WORLD…
NEO: *twitch*
CYPHER: *smirk*
TRINITY: *drool* Oh, uhh…*serious look*
MEANWHILE, IN THE GAME…NEO AND MORPHEUS ARE SITTING DOWN, TALKING TO EACH OTHER.
NEO: Ambassador!
MORPHEUS: Hmm…nope, still four syllables.
NEO: Uhh…reanimation.
MORPHEUS: Wow, that's a whopping FIVE syllables!
NEO: Grrr….
(Silence)
MORPHEUS: So…
NEO: …So…
MORPHEUS: Wanna…beat the crap outta each other some more?
NEO: Yeah, sure!
(Morpheus does some cool stuff and wins)
NEO: Grr…
MORPHEUS: How did I beat you?
NEO: You confused me with big words.
MORPHEUS: No, the correct answer was "I suck, Morpheus, PLEASE take me under your wing and teach me all the cool stuff you know because you are AWESOME and deserve to be paid much money."
NEO: Nah.
MORPHEUS: Fine. Fight me…again!
SWITCH: Dammit, I hoped it was over so Neo could take off that damn dress.
TRINITY: SHHHHHHH!!!! *smacks Switch*
MOUSE: Jeebus Christo, he's fast! He's like…zoom!
EVERYONE: Zoom zoom zoom!
TANK: Yeah, zoomzoom zoomzoom.
EVERYONE: Zoom zoom zoom!
DOZER: Yeah zoomzoomzoom, yeah zoomzoomzoom…
MOUSE: …and some other stuff's above normal and I'll shut up since you're all gonna just steal my sparse lines. Evil people.
EVERYONE: Evil will prevail because good is DUMB!
MACHINES: Yay!
AGENT SMITH: Miiiiister Aaaaanderson.
JEWEL: CHEESECAKE!
ASHLEY: WAFFO!
NICOLE: GERBILS!
RERE: I should've brought a towel…
KEVIN: STREBLO!
TRAVIS: One Spoon to bring them all and in the darkness bind them…
JOSH: *laughs hysterically for no apparent reason*
EVERYONE FROM THE MATRIX FILMS: *blink* Uhh…
MOUSE: That was really weird…
MEANWHILE, IN THE GAME…
NEO: Mwahahahahahahaha! I'm WINNING! YAY!!! *stops before hitting Morpheus* I know what you're trying to do. You're a spy working for the butterflies and you've come to steal my brain for them! It's a conspiracy, I tell you!!!
MORPHEUS: Uhh…Hey, Tank, load the jump program; the author's not feeling lazy!
EVERYONE: Yay!
(Neo and Morpheus are like…FWOOSH! down onto the top of a building. Neo, thank God, is no longer wearing that dress.)
NEO: Why are you still wearing that ninja suit?
MORPHEUS: Uhh…because it's cool?
NEO: Oh. Okay.
MORPHEUS: This is the jump program. It's a program. Where you jump.
NEO: Oh, I'm glad you explained that, I was totally confused.
MORPHEUS: Yep. You gotta let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt, disbelief, and various other things like that. Free your mind. Those are my last words. I will now commit suicide and leave this pitiful existence.
(Scene suddenly turns soap opera-like)
NEO: No! You can't go!
MORPHEUS: You do not understand. I must go. It is for…
(dramatic pause)
MEANWHILE, IN THE REAL WORLD…
TRINITY: Oh…MY…GOD! This is so SAD!! *starts crying*
SWITCH: Waaaaaaaaah!! *starts crying*
CYPHER: Oh, boo-hoo. *tries to hug Trinity*
TRINITY: Try it and you'll never have kids.
CYPHER: Dammit.
MEANWHILE, IN THE JUMPY PROGRAM…
(dramatic pause continuing)
MORPHEUS: …the best. Goodbye.
NEO: Nooooooooo!!!
(Morpheus runs towards the edge of the building, then jumps and lands on a roof a bazillion miles away.)
MORPHEUS: COME ON, NEO!
NEO: How can I hear you? I can't see you!
MORPHEUS: I jumped around the world! I'm on the building right behind you!
NEO: Oh. Well then can't I just…you know, jump the three feet to that building rather than jump around the world?
MORPHEUS: No. You have to attempt the impossibly long jump and fail miserably so we can all laugh at you.
NEO: Oh. Okay.
MEANWHILE, IN THE REAL WORLD…
MOUSE: What if he makes it?
TANK: He won't.
MOUSE: But what if he does?
APOC: HE WON'T!
MOUSE: But what if…?
EVERYONE: HE WON'T, DAMMIT!
MOUSE: Jeez, you guys sure have a lot of faith in him.
BACK TO THE JUMP PROGRAM…
NEO: Okey-dokey. Free my mind. No problem. Free it. FREE!! *starts singing* Booooorn freeeee, as free as the wind blows, as free as the graaaass grows…
MORPHEUS: JUST GO ALREADY!
NEO: *jumps and falls* Ahhhhhh!
(Neo hits the street and bounces back up)
BUGS BUNNY: That's right, contrary to popular belief, Keanu Reeves is the star of the new Looney Tunes film, not Brendan Fraser. I mean…ehh, what's up doc? *chews on carrot*
NEO: *gets unplugged* I think I'm bleeding…
MORPHEUS: Naw, you think? Your face only slammed into the PAVEMENT.
FANGIRL 1: NOOO!! My beautiful Keanu's face is RUINED!
FANGIRL 2: RUINED? And what do you mean YOUR Keanu?
FANGIRL 3: YEAH! Back off, he's MINE!
(A fight breaks out among the fangirls of the audience)
LATER…
TRINITY: HERE'S SOME DINNER, NEO!!!
NEO: *asleep*
TRINITY: OH, SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ASLEEP!
NEO: *snores*
TRINITY: OKAY, I'LL JUST LEAVE IT RIGHT HERE! *leaves*
CYPHER: I don't remember you ever bringing ME dinner.
TRINITY: That's because you were ASLEEP!
CYPHER: Oh. There's something about him, isn't there?
TRINITY: Yeah, he stinks. He forgot to bring deodorant to the real world.
CYPHER: Ah. Well Morpheus should take him to see the Oracle. She'd know how to get rid of that intolerable stink.
TRINITY: Ohh, INTOLERABLE. That's like…FIVE syllables! You're smart, aren't you?
NEO: Yes I am.
TRINITY: You're asleep.
NEO: Oh, right.
TRINITY: Anywho, he'll take him when he's ready.
CYPHER: Ahh, pronouns. I love their un-specificity.
TRINITY: Yep.
CYPHER: Uh-huh.
WACHOWSKIS: Hey, we have an idea! Let's confuse people by switching the scene to the Matrix again!
AUDIENCE: Nooooooooo!!!
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A/N: Hope you guys are happy, I wrote a longer chapter again! Yay! Reviewers...THANK YOU!!
The Farting Menace: Yeah, Simon Birch was kinda boring. Coulda been because I was about 8 when I saw it...anywho, I saw the beginning of The Truman Show and I kinda thought it was boring. *ducks* PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! And yay! My fic is now educational!
Hobbit-eyes: Yeah, Holes is a good book. And that observation of Dozer came out of nowhere...and....yeah. Thought I was gonna say something...oh yeah! I got this invitation thing to go to Europe where we'd spend a few days in London, and then we go to Paris and places in Italy and Greece and stuff! Dunno why I'm telling you...*shrugs* But I know I won't be able to go 'cause it'll cost $5000...grrr...
Selina Enriquez: Glad you like it so much! I try to be funny, and I'm glad that it's working!
theshiz: Ohh, THAT'S who Emilio Estevez is...I knew that...*cough cough* Anyway, thanks for telling me! I guess if I wasn't so lazy I could've gone to that site where you can search for actors and stuff...yeah.
Thank you, reviewers! Do it again! Do it again!
Disclaimer: Didn't I say in the first chapter that I would stop writing these? Hmm…wow, I say "Hmm…" a lot. Anyway. Me. No. Own. Matrix. MNOM! So all you lawyers cleverly disguising yourselves as telemarketers (they say things like "Have you recently written a parody of a film without written consent of the creators and with an absent disclaimer?" Almost fooled me.) need to get away from me. I won't hesitate to create lawyer repellent.
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Chapter 10
SCENE: DOJO! MORPHEUS, YET AGAIN, IS POSING AS VANNA WHITE AND DOING AN ARM SWEEPY THING.
MORPHEUS: This is a sparring program, kinda like the reality of the Matrix.
NEO: *looks around* Aww, I thought we were gonna fight!
MORPHEUS: *mumbling* Note to self: have Tank download the latest thesaurus into Neo.
NEO: Hey, I can hear you. You're mumbling a little too loudly.
MORPHEUS: Yeah, whatever.
NEO: Yep. So this is like…the Matrix?
MORPHEUS: Yeah, like totally dude. It has the same rules. Like gravity. It's like a computer system, blah blah blah, rules bent and broken, blah blah, you following me?
NEO: Yeah, sure.
MORPHEUS: Good. Cause none of that crap matters. We're here to play video games!
(A big screen TV and a PS2 pop up out of nowhere)
NEO: Cool!!!!
MORPHEUS: You say you know all of Kasumi's combos?
NEO: Yeah!
MORPHEUS: Then hit me…if you can. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
(The game loads. Neo is playing as Kasumi, and Morpheus is playing as Hayabusa.)
NEO: Heeeeey, how come I have to play as the girl? *sulks*
MORPHEUS: Because you chose to.
NEO: Oh. Right.
(They go on playing Dead or Alive for awhile, Neo constantly failing to beat up Morpheus.)
MORPHEUS: You suck!!!
NEO: Well…well…you're…you're a little girly ninja man!
MORPHEUS: Nuh-uh! I'm a shinobi! And I have my own video game, so BEAT THAT!
NEO: Ninja Gaiden? Pfft, is that the best you have?!
(Apparently, Neo and Morpheus have been sucked into the game, and are now talking to each other as if they are really characters from the game. Morpheus is in Hayabusa's outfit with a ninja mask and a sword that, like many fighters with swords, he is unable to use. Neo is in a blue and white dress thing.)
MORPHEUS: W00T! I own you, n00b!
NEO: I can take that in sooooo many ways…
MORPHEUS: Stop being perverted and HIT ME!!
NEO: I would, but you keep breaking my arms and throwing me really high in the sky and slamming me down on my head and shoving me into jagged rocks and tossing me off cliffs and this has to be the longest run-on sentence I've ever spoken!
MEANWHILE, IN THE REAL WORLD…
MOUSE: *runs into the cafeteria/dining room/whatever you wanna call it* Neo's wearing a blue and white dress thing!
EVERYONE: …
MOUSE: You can see his panties!
EVERYONE: …o_O
MOUSE: And he's fighting Morpheus!
EVERYONE: …
(Crickets chirp)
MOUSE: …Who's dressed in a ninja suit!
EVERYONE: COOL! *runs out*
MEANWHILE, IN THE GAME…
NEO: Come on, Morpheus…
MORPHEUS: What?
NEO: You keep grabbing my fist when I try to punch you and then you go and throw me off a cliff! That's no way to treat a lady! Err…I mean…me!
MORPHEUS: Well duh, that's how you defend! It's called a counterattack.
NEO: Don't try to confuse me with big words. I know a word with THREE syllables, so HA!
MORPHEUS: *clapping rhythmically* Coun-ter-a-ttack. Hmm…that has four syllables.
NEO: NOOO!!! I'm CONFUSED!!!
MEANWHILE, IN THE REAL WORLD…
NEO: *twitch*
CYPHER: *smirk*
TRINITY: *drool* Oh, uhh…*serious look*
MEANWHILE, IN THE GAME…NEO AND MORPHEUS ARE SITTING DOWN, TALKING TO EACH OTHER.
NEO: Ambassador!
MORPHEUS: Hmm…nope, still four syllables.
NEO: Uhh…reanimation.
MORPHEUS: Wow, that's a whopping FIVE syllables!
NEO: Grrr….
(Silence)
MORPHEUS: So…
NEO: …So…
MORPHEUS: Wanna…beat the crap outta each other some more?
NEO: Yeah, sure!
(Morpheus does some cool stuff and wins)
NEO: Grr…
MORPHEUS: How did I beat you?
NEO: You confused me with big words.
MORPHEUS: No, the correct answer was "I suck, Morpheus, PLEASE take me under your wing and teach me all the cool stuff you know because you are AWESOME and deserve to be paid much money."
NEO: Nah.
MORPHEUS: Fine. Fight me…again!
SWITCH: Dammit, I hoped it was over so Neo could take off that damn dress.
TRINITY: SHHHHHHH!!!! *smacks Switch*
MOUSE: Jeebus Christo, he's fast! He's like…zoom!
EVERYONE: Zoom zoom zoom!
TANK: Yeah, zoomzoom zoomzoom.
EVERYONE: Zoom zoom zoom!
DOZER: Yeah zoomzoomzoom, yeah zoomzoomzoom…
MOUSE: …and some other stuff's above normal and I'll shut up since you're all gonna just steal my sparse lines. Evil people.
EVERYONE: Evil will prevail because good is DUMB!
MACHINES: Yay!
AGENT SMITH: Miiiiister Aaaaanderson.
JEWEL: CHEESECAKE!
ASHLEY: WAFFO!
NICOLE: GERBILS!
RERE: I should've brought a towel…
KEVIN: STREBLO!
TRAVIS: One Spoon to bring them all and in the darkness bind them…
JOSH: *laughs hysterically for no apparent reason*
EVERYONE FROM THE MATRIX FILMS: *blink* Uhh…
MOUSE: That was really weird…
MEANWHILE, IN THE GAME…
NEO: Mwahahahahahahaha! I'm WINNING! YAY!!! *stops before hitting Morpheus* I know what you're trying to do. You're a spy working for the butterflies and you've come to steal my brain for them! It's a conspiracy, I tell you!!!
MORPHEUS: Uhh…Hey, Tank, load the jump program; the author's not feeling lazy!
EVERYONE: Yay!
(Neo and Morpheus are like…FWOOSH! down onto the top of a building. Neo, thank God, is no longer wearing that dress.)
NEO: Why are you still wearing that ninja suit?
MORPHEUS: Uhh…because it's cool?
NEO: Oh. Okay.
MORPHEUS: This is the jump program. It's a program. Where you jump.
NEO: Oh, I'm glad you explained that, I was totally confused.
MORPHEUS: Yep. You gotta let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt, disbelief, and various other things like that. Free your mind. Those are my last words. I will now commit suicide and leave this pitiful existence.
(Scene suddenly turns soap opera-like)
NEO: No! You can't go!
MORPHEUS: You do not understand. I must go. It is for…
(dramatic pause)
MEANWHILE, IN THE REAL WORLD…
TRINITY: Oh…MY…GOD! This is so SAD!! *starts crying*
SWITCH: Waaaaaaaaah!! *starts crying*
CYPHER: Oh, boo-hoo. *tries to hug Trinity*
TRINITY: Try it and you'll never have kids.
CYPHER: Dammit.
MEANWHILE, IN THE JUMPY PROGRAM…
(dramatic pause continuing)
MORPHEUS: …the best. Goodbye.
NEO: Nooooooooo!!!
(Morpheus runs towards the edge of the building, then jumps and lands on a roof a bazillion miles away.)
MORPHEUS: COME ON, NEO!
NEO: How can I hear you? I can't see you!
MORPHEUS: I jumped around the world! I'm on the building right behind you!
NEO: Oh. Well then can't I just…you know, jump the three feet to that building rather than jump around the world?
MORPHEUS: No. You have to attempt the impossibly long jump and fail miserably so we can all laugh at you.
NEO: Oh. Okay.
MEANWHILE, IN THE REAL WORLD…
MOUSE: What if he makes it?
TANK: He won't.
MOUSE: But what if he does?
APOC: HE WON'T!
MOUSE: But what if…?
EVERYONE: HE WON'T, DAMMIT!
MOUSE: Jeez, you guys sure have a lot of faith in him.
BACK TO THE JUMP PROGRAM…
NEO: Okey-dokey. Free my mind. No problem. Free it. FREE!! *starts singing* Booooorn freeeee, as free as the wind blows, as free as the graaaass grows…
MORPHEUS: JUST GO ALREADY!
NEO: *jumps and falls* Ahhhhhh!
(Neo hits the street and bounces back up)
BUGS BUNNY: That's right, contrary to popular belief, Keanu Reeves is the star of the new Looney Tunes film, not Brendan Fraser. I mean…ehh, what's up doc? *chews on carrot*
NEO: *gets unplugged* I think I'm bleeding…
MORPHEUS: Naw, you think? Your face only slammed into the PAVEMENT.
FANGIRL 1: NOOO!! My beautiful Keanu's face is RUINED!
FANGIRL 2: RUINED? And what do you mean YOUR Keanu?
FANGIRL 3: YEAH! Back off, he's MINE!
(A fight breaks out among the fangirls of the audience)
LATER…
TRINITY: HERE'S SOME DINNER, NEO!!!
NEO: *asleep*
TRINITY: OH, SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ASLEEP!
NEO: *snores*
TRINITY: OKAY, I'LL JUST LEAVE IT RIGHT HERE! *leaves*
CYPHER: I don't remember you ever bringing ME dinner.
TRINITY: That's because you were ASLEEP!
CYPHER: Oh. There's something about him, isn't there?
TRINITY: Yeah, he stinks. He forgot to bring deodorant to the real world.
CYPHER: Ah. Well Morpheus should take him to see the Oracle. She'd know how to get rid of that intolerable stink.
TRINITY: Ohh, INTOLERABLE. That's like…FIVE syllables! You're smart, aren't you?
NEO: Yes I am.
TRINITY: You're asleep.
NEO: Oh, right.
TRINITY: Anywho, he'll take him when he's ready.
CYPHER: Ahh, pronouns. I love their un-specificity.
TRINITY: Yep.
CYPHER: Uh-huh.
WACHOWSKIS: Hey, we have an idea! Let's confuse people by switching the scene to the Matrix again!
AUDIENCE: Nooooooooo!!!
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A/N: Hope you guys are happy, I wrote a longer chapter again! Yay! Reviewers...THANK YOU!!
The Farting Menace: Yeah, Simon Birch was kinda boring. Coulda been because I was about 8 when I saw it...anywho, I saw the beginning of The Truman Show and I kinda thought it was boring. *ducks* PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! And yay! My fic is now educational!
Hobbit-eyes: Yeah, Holes is a good book. And that observation of Dozer came out of nowhere...and....yeah. Thought I was gonna say something...oh yeah! I got this invitation thing to go to Europe where we'd spend a few days in London, and then we go to Paris and places in Italy and Greece and stuff! Dunno why I'm telling you...*shrugs* But I know I won't be able to go 'cause it'll cost $5000...grrr...
Selina Enriquez: Glad you like it so much! I try to be funny, and I'm glad that it's working!
theshiz: Ohh, THAT'S who Emilio Estevez is...I knew that...*cough cough* Anyway, thanks for telling me! I guess if I wasn't so lazy I could've gone to that site where you can search for actors and stuff...yeah.
Thank you, reviewers! Do it again! Do it again!