Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, I'm just playing with their emotions...
Notes: I just was in the mood for a little Christmas fluff. Blame it on my choir, we're singing so many Christmas songs at the moment, so I simply had to write something like this, although it starts very sad.
Dedication: This little story has been inspired by the most beautiful Sirius/Remus picture I've ever seen. The link can be found in my profile.
Many thanks to lara for beta-reading this story! *hugs lara*
And now read and enjoy!
Worst Christmas ever?
Snowfall. Snowfall on Christmas Eve. Snowfall on Christmas Eve, and Remus Lupin was the loneliest and saddest person in the United Kingdom, Wizarding or Muggle. Or at least he felt like it. The boy was sitting at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, where the trees were thinning out, leaning against a tree trunk and trying to contemplate whether his physical or his mental wounds were worse.
No, it wasn't hard to decide. The physical wounds were already mostly healed, Madam Pomfrey had done a great job after the last full moon; there were only slight bruises left on his cheek and hand. But the mental wounds… it felt as if they'd never heal.
Remus had thought that he had found true friends in Hogwarts, friends who even stayed with him after they learned about his dark secret. Friends who'd never betray him. But now one of them had done just that. Sirius had told Severus Snape – Snape of all people! – how to get past the Whomping Willow – on the day of a full moon. Sirius had nearly caused Snape's death. Sirius had nearly made Remus a murderer.
From the castle joyful music could be heard – apparently Professor Flitwick had charmed every single suit of armour to sing Christmas Carols, and it sounded as if the portraits had joined in. Remus snorted. He normally loved Christmas with all the wonderful smells and music in the air, and a day like today – cold, snowy and full of Christmas feeling – would have been a perfect day for him.
Remus doubted that there would ever be anything like a perfect day again.
He had decided to stay at Hogwarts because he couldn't face his parents now – he didn't want to have to go through the story again and again, didn't want to answer questions why Sirius had done this.
A question he asked himself again and again.
Sometimes, when he was lying in his bed, he even asked himself if Sirius had somehow found out his other big secret, the secret that could destroy their friendship – or what was left of it.
Remus Lupin was secretly in love with one of his best friends. And he was sure that Sirius would freak out if he ever got to know.
What if he had found out? What if he had snapped and sent Snape to the Willow out of sheer anger – or disgust?
The funny thing of all of it was that Remus wasn't even mad at Sirius. He knew that his friend often acted first and thought about it later – it was just his nature. Under different circumstances he would have listened to his apologies – and Sirius had tried to apologize more than once! – but as things were as they were he couldn't bring himself to listen to his friend.
Remus sighed and leant back against the tree. This was for sure the worst Christmas ever.
*
Sixteen-year-old Sirius Black was sitting on the window sill of his dormitory, staring blindly into the white blur outside. Somewhere deep inside him he knew that he should be happy about the snowfall – snowfall on Christmas Eve had always meant great fun for the Marauders – but today he couldn't see the beauty in it. Today all he knew was that he felt abandoned and stupid.
Why had he betrayed Remus? The answer was simple – because Snape had gone too far with his sneaking and eavesdropping and he had deserved to be taught a lesson. Sirius hadn't spent a single thought on the consequences until it had been nearly too late. He really didn't know what he'd have done if James hadn't stopped the greasy bastard just in time. If Remus had hurt – infected – or even killed him.
It was already bad enough as it was. Remus had spent the night on his own, because he and Prongs had to explain to Dumbledore what had happened – and Wormtail had been afraid to go alone. It had been the worst night for Moony since the other Marauders had become Animagi – he had nearly torn himself apart. When Madam Pomfrey had found him in the morning – unconscious, bleeding and barely breathing – she had simply been shocked.
For once in his life Sirius had wished that he could go home for Christmas, even if that meant to spend the holiday with his parents and younger brother, but that wasn't an option after he had run away during the summer holidays. Of course he could have gone with James, but his best friend wasn't too friendly with him since that night.
James could not understand what Sirius had done. He, too, was the only one who knew about his true feelings towards Remus – and that only added to his confusion and anger. Prongs had spent the last few months trying to talk him into doing something about his feelings – preferably telling Remus – and talking about horrible things that could be caused by bottled up emotions.
Since the last full moon Sirius was convinced that James had seer blood in his veins.
The young Animagus sighed and leaned his forehead against the cold glass. In the distance he could see Hagrid's cabin near the edge of the Forbidden Forest, covered in a thick layer of snow. Icicles hung from the roof and smoke rose from the chimney. It was a really peaceful sight, and Sirius suddenly felt trapped inside. He slowly got up, grabbed his cloak and padded out of the dormitory.
Some fresh air would do him good.
*
Sirius shuffled slowly through the snow. He didn't care were he was going, his only goal was to get as far away from the castle as possible – the yuletide mood that was sweeping through the castle made him feel sick. How could anyone be so joyful and happy whereas he was feeling as if the world had stopped moving? How could anyone be happy, laugh and sing Christmas Carols?
Sirius fought back some tears that were pricking behind his eyelids. He really didn't know what to do. Remus refused to talk – or even to listen – to him since that night, James was mad at him, too – and he himself could have slapped himself for being so stupid. Repeatedly.
Never in his whole life everything had seemed to be so sense- and hopeless.
Sirius was walking further towards the Forest, not noticing where his feet led him. But suddenly he lifted his head as if an instinct had told him to do so and stared at the sight before him.
Only a few feet away Remus was sitting under a tree, looking horribly small, hurt and forlorn. But his friend's amber eyes were fixed onto him – Remus must have heard his steps, his breathing or simply caught his scent, for his expression was set and alert.
Sirius stopped dead and stared at the other boy. He was completely surprised by the sudden encounter and at loss for words. For a few seconds they only stared at each other, then Remus made a movement as if to get up. In the same moment Sirius was at his side, laying one hand on his friend's upper arm. "No, Moony – please stay!" Remus's gaze wandered slowly from his hand that was on the werewolf's shoulder to his face – and Sirius hastily took his hand away.
Remus was the only person in the world who could intimidate him.
But the amber-eyed boy didn't get up and leave; instead he settled back against the tree trunk and watched the young Animagus with a serious expression. Sirius swallowed and opened his mouth once or twice but didn't bring out a single word.
Remus waited patiently and a little bit curious for some minutes, but finally he asked: "Why did you follow me?" He was surprised how calm and cold his voice sounded – he wasn't feeling calm at all. When he had heard soft, snow-muffled footsteps and turned to look who was nearing him his heart had nearly stopped.
Sirius flinched, but his mouth opened on it's own will. "I didn't! I mean – I didn't follow you, I didn't want to disturb you."
Remus raised an eyebrow. "So why are you here?" The Animagus shrugged, then he whispered: "I don't know. I felt trapped inside and so I decided to go for a walk. I didn't know that you were here." He stopped, and then he blurted out: "Moony, please – let me talk to you – just hear me out once, please!"
Remus stared at Sirius for a few moments, fighting down the urge to run away. But probably that wasn't a good idea – maybe it really was time to listen to Sirius, if only once. To give him the chance to explain – whatever there was to explain. Hesitantly, Remus nodded.
Sirius sighed in relief and crouched down in front of his friend. He really didn't know where to start, but to his astonishment Remus waited patiently. Finally Sirius said in a low voice: "Moony – I'm really sorry. And I want you to know that it had nothing to do with you. Really, really nothing. I – just didn't think."
The expression of the beautiful amber eyes didn't change, and Sirius took that as a good sign. Alt least he had said nearly three sentences without having a yelling, furious werewolf in front of him.
"It was just – Snivellus saw you and Madam Pomfrey cross the grounds towards the Willow. And he asked where you were disappearing to every now and then. You know him and his style – I'd have loved to punch his face or to curse his ears – or something else – into a knot, and I simply wanted to teach him a lesson about sneaking. It really didn't occur to me that you could get into trouble – or simply what it'd mean if..." He trailed off and stared to the ground, waiting for a reaction.
Remus watched the raven-haired boy thoughtfully. His explanation sounded so logical – so Sirius. Such an action was so typical for the young Animagus that he was nearly surprised that he had ever doubted that it could really have been like this. After a few moments of complete silence Remus whispered shakily: "I... I thought you'd hate me."
"No!" Sirius looked up startled. "Never think that, Moony – why should I hate you?" Remus shrugged and blushed, but Sirius didn't notice. He was too eager to explain his stupidity and to reassure Remus that he hadn't intended to harm him to think straight. Suddenly the words that had come so hesitantly at first tumbled into his mind and – in the same moment – out of his mouth:
"It was really only because of Snivellus. I wanted to shock him, to show him that his sneaking around could get him into serious trouble – no pun intended – and I was so furious that he was trying to find out your secret. Back then it seemed to be a good idea to tell him to go and find out himself, and I really can't understand why I didn't think about the consequences. I just wanted to protect you and I nearly messed everything up and it could have gone so terrible wrong and I don't know what I'd have done if something had happened to you because I love you so much and I don't want to think about what could have happened and..."
"Sirius stop!" It was only when Remus held up one hand in a calming gesture that Sirius slowly realised what he had said just now. His jaw dropped and he stared at Remus in a mixture of relief that he had finally confessed it and fear of rejection. He didn't have to wait long.
"Padfoot – what did you say? Please repeat that!" Sirius swallowed nervously and muttered: "Please don't freak out, I never intended to tell you though Prongs said that I should... I love you."
Remus shut his eyes because the world had suddenly started to spin. He couldn't have heard this, Sirius just couldn't have said it – it had to be a dream. But then he felt a hand on his shoulder and heard Sirius's anxious voice: "Moony – Remus – please, say something. I can understand if you're shocked – or disgusted – and I promise that I'll never say anything like this again..."
"But that would really be a shame." Remus finally opened his eyes again and met Sirius's gaze. Sirius's eyes grew wide and he whispered in disbelief: "That would be a shame? You mean, we... you... I could have a chance?" Remus nodded slowly and answered as quietly:
"I was so shocked about... that incident... because I thought you had found out and were disgusted or something like that. I'm in love with you since last year." "Oh god." Sirius suddenly laughed a bit breathlessly. "So we've both been afraid that the other could find out, and all we've had to do is say something?! I can't believe it!" Remus smiled and laid one hand onto his friend's shoulder.
For a long moment they stayed motionless. Around them the snow was still falling in soft and silent beauty while from the castle Christmas carols and sweet scents were drifting through the air. Then, very slowly, Sirius's hand crept towards Remus's neck, drawing him closer.
When Sirius finally leant in for their first shy kiss a sudden thought came to Remus's mind: His deepest wish had come true – this really had to be the best Christmas ever.
~ The end ~
Will I get some reviews??? Pleeeeeaaaaase!!!