Chapter Eight – Honestly OK
"Has any of you seen Ron?" Hermione asked, coming into the Common Room. It was after curfew, and Ron wasn't back from… wherever he went all the time. She had no idea where that was. He didn't talk much, not anymore, and she seemed to be constantly worrying about him. Seeing the equally worried glance in Ginny's eyes, she sighed heavily. Even Harry didn't get through to Ron. He just wouldn't talk about it.
Hermione knew that it was most likely the events of that fateful night a few days before Christmas that were bothering him so much. That was understandable. She still woke up from nightmare time and again. But Ron didn't say a single word about it; he only told them not to worry and found a weak excuse every time they attempted to talk to him. He even refused to let anyone near him altogether. He hadn't so much as hugged her since then.
Thoughtfully biting her lower lip, Hermione absentmindedly stroked Crookshanks who was sitting on her lap. Beside Harry and Ginny, she was the only one left in the Gryffindor Common room. Everyone else had retired to bed already. After all, there were classes in the morning, and for seventh year Gryffindor it would be Potions with Slytherin.
She had to smile a bit at the thought of Severus. Looking down at her left hand, she saw the slim silver engagement ring glimmering in the soft fire coming from the fireplace and lighting the room. Lavender had practically drooled all over her hand, and Parvati had let go a high shriek and clutched her hand in both of hers, examining the ring closely. Of course she hadn't told anything about who she was engaged to. They surely couldn't risk that being spread all over Hogwarts.
Professor Dumbledore had decided that she would get her own room, after all. She was about to be a mother and both she and Severus wanted to hide that fact as long as possible. Lucius Malfoy would only be more ambitious to get a hold on her – and the child. 'As long as I'm at Hogwarts, I am safe,' she reminded herself. 'But better safe than sorry,' she added as an afterthought. After all, she had already once been kidnapped right out of Hogwarts – without anyone noticing for some time, actually.
However, she had soon learned that having a room of her own meant that she had no one to talk to in late hours. Although Lavender and Parvati had always been a plague – in her opinion – they had offered some kind of distraction, and their silly and pointless babble had been something she was used to after more than six years of it almost every day. She would have never thought it possible, but she actually missed them sometimes.
"What are you thinking about?" Harry asked.
Hermione looked up, an eyebrow raised.
"You were smiling slightly and somehow looked sad at the same time, so I was wondering why," he explained, smiling.
"I was thinking of Parvati and Lavender," she said. "Sometimes I'm quite lonely in my room. I don't have anyone to talk to." Crookshanks gave a meow of protest, or at least it seemed so. "Except Crookshanks," she added. Content, the cat settled down again and she resumed stroking. "But he can't answer me, can he?"
"Have you talked to Dumbledore about this?" Ginny asked lazily, her head resting on Harry's shoulder. "Maybe he can work something out so that you can move into the dungeons."
Hermione noticed Harry flinch a little at his girlfriend's words. Ginny was taking the news best of them – although, she wasn't sure about Ron. Harry was still uneasy with the thought of her and Severus together, that much was sure. He avoided the topic as much as he could; every time Ginny brought up the topic of choosing baby clothing and such, he either left the room or tried to change the subject. He didn't even want to think of the baby maybe looking like Snape. He had wondered if their feelings were true; he had even dared to openly doubt it, but only to hear a very furious and obviously offended Hermione yelling at him for the mere thought of it. It really seemed as if that Love Potion had only set things going. That it had somehow brought their hidden feelings for each other towards the surface. Or maybe they'd just learned a lot about the other in that time, so that they really fell in love afterwards. But most of the time, Harry decided to not think of it and was happy with it.
"I could move in with you," Ginny offered, suddenly taking her head off Harry's shoulder and sitting up, excitedly. 'Uh-oh,' Harry thought. He knew that look… Ginny had thought of something and wouldn't rest till it was done… And Hermione seemed to be keen on Ginny's idea of her moving into Hermione's quarters as well.
He groaned. Now he would have to listen to the excited chatter of two girls planning room decorations… He closed his eyes briefly and wondered where Ron was. He sometimes stayed out after curfew, but he normally tried to be back by midnight at the latest. Now it was half past and there was no sign of him. Hermione only stayed up because of him, that he was sure of. She was normally tired – exhausted – at the end of a school day. And she seemed close to drifting off to sleep in mid-sentence. He didn't fell wide awake, either, so he made a decision.
"Hermione, Ginny," he called. "Maybe we should go to bed. I know you are worried about Ron, and I am, too, but there is no use in sitting here and wasting hours of sleep. He's safe within Hogwarts, and I think he's quite able to handle himself." He shot a stern look Hermione's way when she opened her mouth to contradict. "Remember, you not only have to think of yourself, 'Mione. Snape would skin me alive if I let you stay up all night," he added with a dry smile. She actually looked guilty and unconsciously put a hand on her abdomen. He saw the tiny bulge, but only because he knew it was there. She was almost three and a half months pregnant by now (you couldn't really see anything), and Dumbledore had cast a charm to hide the physical changes of her form from anyone who didn't know already. She had to have her own quarters nevertheless – it would make anyone suspicious that she suffered from the usual effects of pregnancy such as tiredness and moodiness. Even Parvati and Lavender would recognize it sooner or later.
Finally, Hermione nodded and made her way up to the girls' dormitory. But instead of entering the staircase, she turned to a portrait next to the door and muttered a password. The portrait swung aside and revealed a large bedroom. Hermione said goodnight and went to sleep.
Ginny pulled his head down to kiss him and then headed up to the girls' dormitory.
Sighing, Harry settled back down on the sofa. He transfigured his robe into a blanket and set on the alarm on his wristwatch to wake him early in the morning. He would either be wakened by Ron or the alarm, so that he could go back to the dormitory before anyone noticed. He just hoped it would be Ron who woke him.
+~*#
"I think she's gone now, don't you?" Colin said, putting the deck of cards back into his pocket. He approached the door and put his ear to the dark wood. "I can't hear a thing."
"No wonder," Ron replied, checking his watch. "It's half past three." He was actually a tad sorry that their game was over. They had played for some time, occasionally stopping for a bit of talking and then agreed on one final game before going back to Gryffindor Tower.
It was easy to talk to Colin. He didn't know what he had been forced to witness, and – much more important – he didn't pity him. That was what irked him most: their pity and understanding. He didn't want pity, and for Merlin's sake, they didn't understand it. They couldn't. They hadn't been there. He had. And there was no one he could talk to without being reminded of it. His friends didn't seem able to have a simple conversation. Each time they had to bring it up, and each time he told them to leave it. But they didn't.
"Thank you," he said, almost too quiet to be heard. But as Colin was being silent in attempt to hear what was going on at the other side of the door, he'd heard it, of course.
"What for?" he asked, looking up to Ron, surprised.
Ron realized just how much Colin had grown in the past few years. He wasn't the small, mousy-haired boy taking photos of Harry anymore. He was nearly as tall as himself and his hair was a slightly darker brown. And he hadn't seen the camera for months.
"Where's your camera, by the way?" he asked, ignoring Colin's question. It had been a too good evening up to now to spoil it with unpleasant memories.
"Broke," Colin replied gloomily. "My Dad can't afford to buy me a new one. He lost his job about a year ago."
Ron instantly knew how Colin felt. His family was far from rich, and it wasn't a nice thing, he could tell. Taking photos had been Colin's only hobby, as far as he could tell, and losing it must be pretty hard. "Oh," he said, not knowing what else he could possibly say without sounding too stupid. He wasn't good with words, that was Hermione's domain.
"It's okay," Colin said, sighing. "It was a sixth year Slytherin, right after Divination class. Trelawny predicted a great tragedy coming my way, and for once she was right. He snatched the camera and then blew it up. I couldn't use Reparo on it, you know, being shattered to thousands of pieces." He grinned smugly. "But I managed to hex the git quite bad…"
Ron was silent. He didn't know what to say. So he just reached for the doorknob and wanted to open the door, but Colin gently gripped his wrist. "Why did you thank me, Ron?" he asked, his eyes serious.
Ron sighed. "Not you, too," he said. "I don't want to talk about it."
"And what if you'd tell me and I allow you to erase the memory afterwards?" Colin offered. "Maybe it would do you good to talk to someone besides Harry and Hermione." Seeing the defeat in Ron's eyes, he cautiously steered him back to the tables. "Sit down and just tell me what you want."
"I don't know if I want to cast a spell on you," Ron said slowly, as if testing the words. "I had it done to me once and it's not nice. I remember only bits of it and although I know what happened it's confusing and unnerving. Every time I want to focus on a memory, it slips away before I can grasp it. It's like a shadow in your mind." He drew a breath. "I-was-kidnapped-and-tortured-by-a-Death-Eater-and-his-whore-and-had-to-witness-stuff," he said really fast, and released the breath he had unconsciously held.
Colin didn't reply. In fact, he didn't even move. 'I knew it,' Ron thought. 'Now he will start on how sorry he is and how bad I must feel and ask if he can do something…'
But Colin did none of this. He just sat there and sighed. With a crooked smile he finally said, "The only thing I can think of saying is 'shit happens.'" He warily pulled a strand of his hair, that was hanging into his eyes, out of the way and continued, "I don't know how to help you, or if there even is a way to help you. I can't say I know what you're going through and well, that's about all I can think of right now. I'm sorry that I'm no big help here."
"You are sorry?" Suddenly, his anger took over again. "There's nothing you should be sorry for. It's that damn git Malfoy and that bitch Pansy who should be sorry! They did all this! It's all their fault!" He stood up, too agitated to sit calmly. He resumed his pace. "They destroyed my life. In one single night they destroyed my whole life!" he pressed through clenched teeth. "How can I possibly go anywhere without expecting him to Apparate behind me and finish what he missed that night? How can I possibly get a decent night of sleep when he's still out there, only waiting for his time to come?" Once again he felt Colin's hand on his arm. In his fury he hadn't even noticed Colin standing up. It made him uneasy and irritated. But at the same time it was good to just shout it out. He was sure he could trust Colin, but he wasn't nearly as close to him as Harry or Hermione. If he wanted to, he could easily avoid him. It was actually safe to speak to him, he decided.
"You don't understand," he said, a bit calmer. "You should have seen him. He was so… inhuman. He wasn't only brutal, he really enjoyed all of it. I saw him and Pansy…" He broke off. He couldn't say it. He couldn't. If he did it would finally and irrevocably be true. Between him and his friends he had never needed to actually say it. First of all, they knew it already, and secondly, he refused to talk to them. "They did it," he whispered, not knowing where the words came from. "Right in front of me, after she tortured me. And I couldn't look away. It was the most horrible and disgusting and…" His voice broke into a sob. He couldn't stop it. 'Great,' he thought. 'Now I'm crying like a baby! How very manly.' He could feel hot tears on his cheeks and wiped them away angrily.
Suddenly, he felt being pulled close to Colin and before he could react, he was wrapped in Colin's arms. It was confusing, but strangely soothing as well, so he decided to just do nothing at all. He could feel the warmth and comfort radiating from Colin and gratefully buried his head in Colin's shoulder, sobbing incontrollably.
A/N: Again, I have a song title as chapter title (I really don't know why I'm doing this, it's just that so much people have better ideas in putting my thoughts into… titles). This time it's Dido's 'Honestly OK' from her Album 'No Angel'.
I sort of wanted to bring Ron a little closer to you… and the lyrics actually fit his situation quite well (I think).
I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again
So tell me: Should I concentrate more on Hermione and Severus again? Next chapter will surely have some darkness in it… I plan to pay Pansy a visit and maybe even Lucius will make an appearance. After all, the danger is not banned yet.
@ Merry: Hehe, and I'm sure you want to know what gender the baby will be, huh? My friends and I actually threw a coin to decide… and I already have a name…