Title: A Disfunctional Family Christmas
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters.
A/N: Hello all. This play has 3 acts and, thus, 3 chapters. Don't worry, they're all fairly short. Just a little FYI for ya! And now...
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is proud to present:
The Warmth of a Family Holiday
Starring:
Severus Snape: The father
Hermione Granger: The daughter
Draco Malfoy: The son
Harry Potter: The *other* son
Ron Weasley: Cousin Patty
Lucius Malfoy: A friend of the family
Gilderoy Lockhart: Himself...at least, temporarily
Act I: Family Gatherings
Hermione rushes down the very fake and wobbly stairs with a big smile on her face.
"Oh daddy, it's the most wonderful time of the year! Let's decorate the Christmas tree."
Snape looks up from The Daily Prophet.
"Stop bothering me, you insufferable know-it-all." The sound of Dumbledore clearing his throat is heard by all. Snape sighs and looks annoyed. "Very well, daughter. Where is the damn thing?"
Hermione frowns. "You shouldn't use foul language during the holidays, Professor."
"I'll thank you to keep your preaching to yourself, Minerva junior."
Harry and Draco enter the living room carrying boxes brimming with tinsel, lights and ornaments.
"Hooray. It is Christmas...at last,"says Draco, void of all emotion. He looks thoroughly humiliated.
"Sis says she's going to show us how to decorate the tree Muggle style. This is going to be so cool!" Harry realizes what he's just said and looks ill with disbelief at the horrid script.
"Potter, you suck."
"Bite me, Malfoy."
"Silence! Father needs a drink. Accio rum!" Snape unscrews the lid off the summoned rum, takes a long drink, and lights a cigarette.
"Father, are you going to wash your hair for Christmas this year?"
"Potter! Twenty points from-"
Again, Dumbledore clears his throat. Hermione, Harry, and even Malfoy shake with silent laughter.
The doorbell rings. Everyone just stands there. The doorbell rings again. Snape exhales smoke through his nose.
"Oh well, why don't *I* answer it. I have nothing *better* to do. Lazy, abhorrent children..." Snape grumbles his way to the door.
Ron Weasley is standing there holding a wreath.
"Prof-uncle Snape!" croaks Ron, looking and sounding as though he's walked in on someone in the bathroom.
Snape frowns at him.
"Whatever you are selling, we do not want any."
"Cousin Patty," exclaims Hermione, rushing to the door.
Harry and Draco exchange looks and are overcome with laughter. Ron glares at them as he walks in.
"I can't help it that they gave me a stupid name in the play. Stop laughing!"
Draco swaggers up to Ron. "Welcome, cousin Patty," he greets in a solemn voice, extending his hand as though to shake. Then, he, Harry and Hermione go off on another tirade of laughter. Even Snape looks amused as he downs more rum.
"Ron, your line!" whispers Hermione, taking the wreath from him.
"Huh? Oh-right. Ahem- whoa! Are you getting ready to erect the symbol of yuletide merriment?"
Snape spits rum at a record distance. Hermione's eyes bulge. Draco begins to hyperventilate with laughter.
"What did you say, R-cousin Patty? I'm not sure I heard that right," says a befuddled Harry.
"I'm just repeating what's in the script! Didn't any of you read the script?"
"Only our own lines, and we even suck at remembering those," replies Draco, lounging on the 1970ish couch.
"Settle down," orders Snape. "Very well, children, let us proceed to *erect* the holiday tree. Potter, Weasley-hop to it!"
"Daddy, I think you should extinguish your cigarette before we proceed."
"Daughter, I advise you to stop spouting bits of common sense at me before you lose the ability to speak...forever."
"Ha ha! Father yelled at you."
"Stuff it, Malfoy. Alright, first we are going to test the lights and see if they work." Hermione unraveles the lights and plugs them in.
"Wicked!" exclaims Ron
Draco is unimpressed. "Is that all they do?"
"They just need a minute to warm up. Then, they'll blink."
"Fascinating," snarls Snape, lighting another cigarette.
"Boy, oh, boy! Let's all put the tree together."
"Sounds like you lost your enthusiasm there, Potter." Harry just shakes his head and looks pained. Draco pulls the different tree parts out of the box and looks confused. "This is stupid."
"Be quiet, Malf-brother. It's really quite simple to do. The parts are color coded," explains Hermione.
The five proceed to assemble the tree. Ron is having much fun spinning the bottom half around and around on the pedestal. Harry repeatedly trips over the stand. Hermione drives Draco batty with her bossy instructions. Snape nearly sets the tree aflame with his cigarette.
"There," says Ron as they stand back and admire their work.
"This would have gone much smoother with magic," comments Draco.
"It looks like a plastic monstrosity that is the direct result of a nuclear catastrophe," mutters Snape, drinking more rum.
"Hey, look! The tree's taller than Harry-I mean, cousin Harold."
Harry glares at Ron. Draco smirks.
"Good one, cousin Patty."
Hermione beams. "Now, let's decorate! First, we'll do the lights. Daddy, you're the tallest so you can start us off at the top."
"I am overwhelmed with jubilation," replies Snape dryly.
"I know. We can all sing Christmas carols," suggests Ron, looking far from excited at the prospect.
"Let's not," says Draco from the couch. Again, Dumbledore clears his throat. Draco rolls his eyes. "That sounds fantastic, cousin Patty. Why don't you start us off?"
Ron resembles someone who has accidently swallowed his gum.
"Me?"
"These blasted lights are already tangled," growls Snape, cigarette clenched between his teeth.
Hermione rolls her eyes. "Fine. I will sing 'Frosty the Snowman'."
"Please don't."
"Shut up, Harry! Fro-sty the snow-man was-" Hermione looks blank. "Um, would any of you like to help me out here?"
"No," responds Draco, holding up the tree topper. "Is this supposed to be a fairy?"
"No, you moron. It's a Christmas angel," says Harry, rummaging through the boxes of ornaments.
"Kinda looks like Lockhart."
"It does not, Ron!" yells Hermione as the others chuckle.
"I am finished with these ridiculous muggle lights," announces Snape, having another drink.
"Wait, father. Put Lockhart on top of the tree."
Ron and Draco snicker again. Snape's face sours.
"Potter, never call me father again. I am quickly growing tired of this tree nonsense. Furthermore-"
And again, Dumbledore clears his throat. Thoroughly irritated, Snape grabs the angel from Harry and rams it atop the tree. Taking a quick drag off his cigarette, he critically studies the tree topper. "Merlin save us all. We have that idiotic Lockhart as the crowning feature of this plastic monstrosity."
"It does *not* look like Lockhart," insists an infuriated Hermione, clenching her fists.
"It does so, Granger. Look, it even has the curly blond hair and the cape. I'll bet the similarities are no accident," scoffs Draco.
Harry looks devastated. "Lockhart has gone and tainted the most wonderful time of the year. Christmas really has become a twisted game of advertisements and profit."
"And greed," adds Ron.
"That's the buisiness world, cousin Patty. Winner take all. Look, candy canes." Draco unwraps one and pops it in his mouth.
Hermione looks furious.
"Daddy! They're ruining the Christmas mood and eating the ornaments. Make them stop!"
Snape shakes the bottle of rum to test how much is left.
"Miss Granger, of all people *you* should be the one criticizing the commercial world of Christmas. Then again...perhaps you are merely upset over our merry mockery of the Lockhart tree topper. Look at me that way again and I shall freeze your face like that...for a month, Miss Granger."
End Act I.
Tune in tomorrow for Act II of our delightfully disfunctional play!
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters.
A/N: Hello all. This play has 3 acts and, thus, 3 chapters. Don't worry, they're all fairly short. Just a little FYI for ya! And now...
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is proud to present:
The Warmth of a Family Holiday
Starring:
Severus Snape: The father
Hermione Granger: The daughter
Draco Malfoy: The son
Harry Potter: The *other* son
Ron Weasley: Cousin Patty
Lucius Malfoy: A friend of the family
Gilderoy Lockhart: Himself...at least, temporarily
Act I: Family Gatherings
Hermione rushes down the very fake and wobbly stairs with a big smile on her face.
"Oh daddy, it's the most wonderful time of the year! Let's decorate the Christmas tree."
Snape looks up from The Daily Prophet.
"Stop bothering me, you insufferable know-it-all." The sound of Dumbledore clearing his throat is heard by all. Snape sighs and looks annoyed. "Very well, daughter. Where is the damn thing?"
Hermione frowns. "You shouldn't use foul language during the holidays, Professor."
"I'll thank you to keep your preaching to yourself, Minerva junior."
Harry and Draco enter the living room carrying boxes brimming with tinsel, lights and ornaments.
"Hooray. It is Christmas...at last,"says Draco, void of all emotion. He looks thoroughly humiliated.
"Sis says she's going to show us how to decorate the tree Muggle style. This is going to be so cool!" Harry realizes what he's just said and looks ill with disbelief at the horrid script.
"Potter, you suck."
"Bite me, Malfoy."
"Silence! Father needs a drink. Accio rum!" Snape unscrews the lid off the summoned rum, takes a long drink, and lights a cigarette.
"Father, are you going to wash your hair for Christmas this year?"
"Potter! Twenty points from-"
Again, Dumbledore clears his throat. Hermione, Harry, and even Malfoy shake with silent laughter.
The doorbell rings. Everyone just stands there. The doorbell rings again. Snape exhales smoke through his nose.
"Oh well, why don't *I* answer it. I have nothing *better* to do. Lazy, abhorrent children..." Snape grumbles his way to the door.
Ron Weasley is standing there holding a wreath.
"Prof-uncle Snape!" croaks Ron, looking and sounding as though he's walked in on someone in the bathroom.
Snape frowns at him.
"Whatever you are selling, we do not want any."
"Cousin Patty," exclaims Hermione, rushing to the door.
Harry and Draco exchange looks and are overcome with laughter. Ron glares at them as he walks in.
"I can't help it that they gave me a stupid name in the play. Stop laughing!"
Draco swaggers up to Ron. "Welcome, cousin Patty," he greets in a solemn voice, extending his hand as though to shake. Then, he, Harry and Hermione go off on another tirade of laughter. Even Snape looks amused as he downs more rum.
"Ron, your line!" whispers Hermione, taking the wreath from him.
"Huh? Oh-right. Ahem- whoa! Are you getting ready to erect the symbol of yuletide merriment?"
Snape spits rum at a record distance. Hermione's eyes bulge. Draco begins to hyperventilate with laughter.
"What did you say, R-cousin Patty? I'm not sure I heard that right," says a befuddled Harry.
"I'm just repeating what's in the script! Didn't any of you read the script?"
"Only our own lines, and we even suck at remembering those," replies Draco, lounging on the 1970ish couch.
"Settle down," orders Snape. "Very well, children, let us proceed to *erect* the holiday tree. Potter, Weasley-hop to it!"
"Daddy, I think you should extinguish your cigarette before we proceed."
"Daughter, I advise you to stop spouting bits of common sense at me before you lose the ability to speak...forever."
"Ha ha! Father yelled at you."
"Stuff it, Malfoy. Alright, first we are going to test the lights and see if they work." Hermione unraveles the lights and plugs them in.
"Wicked!" exclaims Ron
Draco is unimpressed. "Is that all they do?"
"They just need a minute to warm up. Then, they'll blink."
"Fascinating," snarls Snape, lighting another cigarette.
"Boy, oh, boy! Let's all put the tree together."
"Sounds like you lost your enthusiasm there, Potter." Harry just shakes his head and looks pained. Draco pulls the different tree parts out of the box and looks confused. "This is stupid."
"Be quiet, Malf-brother. It's really quite simple to do. The parts are color coded," explains Hermione.
The five proceed to assemble the tree. Ron is having much fun spinning the bottom half around and around on the pedestal. Harry repeatedly trips over the stand. Hermione drives Draco batty with her bossy instructions. Snape nearly sets the tree aflame with his cigarette.
"There," says Ron as they stand back and admire their work.
"This would have gone much smoother with magic," comments Draco.
"It looks like a plastic monstrosity that is the direct result of a nuclear catastrophe," mutters Snape, drinking more rum.
"Hey, look! The tree's taller than Harry-I mean, cousin Harold."
Harry glares at Ron. Draco smirks.
"Good one, cousin Patty."
Hermione beams. "Now, let's decorate! First, we'll do the lights. Daddy, you're the tallest so you can start us off at the top."
"I am overwhelmed with jubilation," replies Snape dryly.
"I know. We can all sing Christmas carols," suggests Ron, looking far from excited at the prospect.
"Let's not," says Draco from the couch. Again, Dumbledore clears his throat. Draco rolls his eyes. "That sounds fantastic, cousin Patty. Why don't you start us off?"
Ron resembles someone who has accidently swallowed his gum.
"Me?"
"These blasted lights are already tangled," growls Snape, cigarette clenched between his teeth.
Hermione rolls her eyes. "Fine. I will sing 'Frosty the Snowman'."
"Please don't."
"Shut up, Harry! Fro-sty the snow-man was-" Hermione looks blank. "Um, would any of you like to help me out here?"
"No," responds Draco, holding up the tree topper. "Is this supposed to be a fairy?"
"No, you moron. It's a Christmas angel," says Harry, rummaging through the boxes of ornaments.
"Kinda looks like Lockhart."
"It does not, Ron!" yells Hermione as the others chuckle.
"I am finished with these ridiculous muggle lights," announces Snape, having another drink.
"Wait, father. Put Lockhart on top of the tree."
Ron and Draco snicker again. Snape's face sours.
"Potter, never call me father again. I am quickly growing tired of this tree nonsense. Furthermore-"
And again, Dumbledore clears his throat. Thoroughly irritated, Snape grabs the angel from Harry and rams it atop the tree. Taking a quick drag off his cigarette, he critically studies the tree topper. "Merlin save us all. We have that idiotic Lockhart as the crowning feature of this plastic monstrosity."
"It does *not* look like Lockhart," insists an infuriated Hermione, clenching her fists.
"It does so, Granger. Look, it even has the curly blond hair and the cape. I'll bet the similarities are no accident," scoffs Draco.
Harry looks devastated. "Lockhart has gone and tainted the most wonderful time of the year. Christmas really has become a twisted game of advertisements and profit."
"And greed," adds Ron.
"That's the buisiness world, cousin Patty. Winner take all. Look, candy canes." Draco unwraps one and pops it in his mouth.
Hermione looks furious.
"Daddy! They're ruining the Christmas mood and eating the ornaments. Make them stop!"
Snape shakes the bottle of rum to test how much is left.
"Miss Granger, of all people *you* should be the one criticizing the commercial world of Christmas. Then again...perhaps you are merely upset over our merry mockery of the Lockhart tree topper. Look at me that way again and I shall freeze your face like that...for a month, Miss Granger."
End Act I.
Tune in tomorrow for Act II of our delightfully disfunctional play!