The Strangest Conversation

Mildly femmeslashy Hermione/Millicent, but nothing graphic. This chapter features: lesbian!insane!Hermione, lesbian!amused!Millicent, discussions of sexual preference, overt sexual references, insanity, conspiracy theories, mention of nudity, Ginny Weasley's lack of breasts, vodka, hangovers, baked beans, apple juice, and snogging. AKA- A lot.

I LOVE MILLICENT BULSTRODE! Well, my version of her. I can write her however I dang well please, because she's never really discussed. Hurrah.

PG-13 because of several cusswords, alcohol and many slashy sexual references. Don't like? Don't read, fool. Could be R. I think it's too mild for R, personally. But if you think so, don't hesitate to say.

DISCLAIMER: I wish I owned the Harry Potter world. Unfortunately, all I own is a USB key, a handbag, a few CDs, a stack of books and a pair of fingerless gloves. Damn. All hail J. K Rowling.

Chapter Two

'So,' said Millicent. 'As we've already ruined our reputations by having a decent conversation… anything else you want to spill?'

'I think Harry's gay,' said Hermione seriously. 'I'd swear Parvati and Lavender are doing more than giggling under the bedclothes at night, I think Oliver Wood paid a little too much attention to his broomstick, I think Dean and Seamus fancy each other…'

'So basically, you think everyone in Gryffindor is gay?' said Millicent.

'Not just in Gryffindor,' said Hermione brightly. 'The Hufflepuffs all seem too friendly to refuse someone on the basis of gender… we all know about Rowena Ravenclaw's preferences… and the Slytherins, well, there's a whole different kettle of fish altogether.'

'The Slytherins?' Millicent grinned. 'What about them?'

Hermione, oblivious to Millicent's grin, continued. 'Well, Malfoy's tastes definitely deviate from the norm. Blaise is girly in the extreme, I've got my doubts about Pansy, did you see the way she was ogling Cho last week? And Crabbe and Goyle seem way to close for comfort…'

'And me?' Millicent raised an eyebrow, amused. Hermione stopped mid-breath. She paused. 'You?' she said uncertainly. 'Er… I'm not sure. Do I want to know?'

'Do I want to tell you? That, my friend, is the question you should be asking.'

There was another pause. 'Do you want to tell me?'

'No,' said Millicent shortly.

'Oh, so that's how it goes…' Hermione said knowingly.

'No, not really,' said Millicent. 'Anyway… why do you want to know?'

'Because I'm an inquisitive little bitch who wants to know more than is good for her,' said Hermione, straight-faced.

'True… however, I fail to see how it's your business.'

'Oh, it isn't. That doesn't affect my curiosity.' Hermione smiled, a cheeky, irremovable smile that truly infuriated Millicent. 'Tell me anyway.'

'Gender is irrelevant,' Millicent sighed.

'That's a total lie and you know it…' Hermione said in a sing-song voice.

'Alright! I fancy girls. Happy now?'

'Extremely.' Hermione smiled again, and scrunched up her nose. 'Now that I've gained access to your deepest secrets, I'll leave you in peace…'

'Hey!' Millicent said, scowling. 'What about you?'

'Boys are boring,' said Hermione. 'Ron's sweet, but he's so… so…' Hermione trailed off.

'Dull?' said Millicent. 'Predictable? Male?'

'All of the above,' said Hermione, nodding. 'Now shall I leave? You seemed pretty enthusiastic about the idea earlier.'

'And you seemed adamant that you should stay,' retorted the bigger girl. 'So you stayed and we ended up having a decent conversation, scary enough on its own, and revealing things about each other that our best friends probably don't know. Now I ask for company and all you want to do is leave. Is this a Gryffindor conspiracy?' Millicent narrowed her eyes.

'Yes!' Hermione cried dramatically. 'They sent me to get information on your sexual preferences for the war effort. They want to get someone to seduce you, and it was a toss-up between Mad-Eye Moody and Rita Skeeter, so they sent me to find out!'

'You're completely barking, and I'm not a Death Eater,' said Millicent tiredly. 'Are you this insane around your little Gryffindor friends?'

'No,' said Hermione. 'I tried to be a little more wild in third year, but Harry and Ron freaked out, so I toned it down. I'm only weird around Ginny.'

'The redhead? I wouldn't have thought she was your style.'

'She's not,' said Hermione, rolling her eyes. 'Ron would have killed me. Besides, I've seen her undressed, and there's nothing to look at- yet.'

'Oh, I can see the Prophet headlines now- Wild Debauchery In The Gryffindor Dorms! Prefect Involved In Naked Romp Through Hogwarts!' Millicent said, eyebrows wiggling.

'Hardly,' said Hermione. 'We shared a room at the Weasley's.'

'I'm teasing, you fool! It's still funny. Think about it.' For a moment, the two girls thought in silence. They erupted into uncontrollable giggles.

'This is strange,' said Millicent suddenly. 'Less than an hour ago I thought I hated you, and now we're laughing at the though of you and Ginny Weasley romping naked through Hogwarts… not a bad thought, on the whole…'

Hermione punched her on the arm. 'I know it's strange, but is it a bad strange?'

'No,' said Millicent thoughtfully. 'No, it isn't.' They sat in silence for a moment, thinking.

'We should do this again,' said Hermione, decisively.

'Definitely,' said Millicent.

'Harry and Ron will want to kill me if they found out,' said Hermione sadly.

'Pansy would think I'd gone mad,' said Millicent. Hermione looked at her strangely. 'What? She's not that bad. And you were right, by the way. She does fancy girls. And boys- what am I saying, Pansy'll shag anything that moves.'

'Even you?' said Hermione slyly.

'Just the once,' mumbled Millicent, colouring.

Hermione laughed incredulously. 'Seriously? You bedded Pansy Parkinson?'

'No!' Millicent snapped. 'She bedded me… stop sniggering.'

'That's it,' said Hermione, shaking her head. 'We need to get drunk.'

'Why?' asked Millicent, cocking her head to the side.

'Why not?' said Hermione, waving her hands in a manner reminiscent of Jack Sparrow.

'I see… what alcoholic beverages have you got stashed away?'

'Gin or Vodka,' Hermione said, 'From Krum.'

'Vodka, if you would,' said Millicent. Hermione turned, pulled out her wand and waved it at the bottom shelf, saying 'Alohamora!' It sprung out like a drawer, revealing a blanket, a pillow, several tins, a tin opener, a small glass, and several bottles. Hermione flicked through the bottles, before pulling out a bottle of clear liquid. She also removed the glass, and shut the drawer. 'I'm afraid I only have the one glass.'

'Just a moment,' said Millicent, turning. She performed the same procedure. She took a glass from her drawer, and shut it. Hermione unscrewed the cap of the bottle and poured them each half a glass. 'Bottoms up,' she shrugged. They clinked glasses, and drank.

Outside, the rain worsened.

~The Next Morning~

The sunlight, still soggy from the previous night's torrential rain, snuck in through the reading room window, prodding the two hungover girls on the pillows into consciousness.

'Ohhh,' groaned Millicent, clutching her head. 'Head. Pain. Argh.'

'Absolutely,' moaned Hermione from under a pillow. 'Does it have to be morning?'

'At least it's a Sunday,' said Millicent, flopping backwards onto the pillows.

'God bless Sundays,' said Hermione groggily.

'I second that.'

They fell asleep again.

~An Hour Later~

Hermione and Millicent sat in the cushions, eating baked beans and drinking apple juice. 'Wow, we got drunk,' said Millicent.

'Oh, yes indeed.'

'That's extremely good vodka,' Millicent noted, picking up the empty bottle. 'Smirnoff.'

'The best,' said Hermione, staring at her now empty bowl.

There was silence.

'Oh, Christ…' said Millicent, sagging. 'We snogged, didn't we?'

'I hate that word, but yes, we kissed,' said Hermione.

'We didn't just kiss, Hermione, we made out,' wailed Millicent.

'I'm fully aware of what happened,' said Hermione. 'I feel the sudden urge to beat my head against the wall.'

There was silence.

'So… what now?' said Millicent.

'I don't know,' said Hermione.

There was silence. Millicent finished her baked beans and took out her wand. Scourgify!' she said, and the sauce vanished. She put the bowls back into the drawer.

'Oh, sod it,' said Hermione, launching herself forward and locking lips with the larger girl.

After a minute or so of frantic kissing, they came up for air. 'Wow,' said Millicent softly.

'It's better when we're not drunk,' said Hermione thoughtfully.

There was silence.

'So… what now?' said Millicent.

'I'm still hungry,' said Hermione. 'Let's go to breakfast.'

'Together? But… what about your friends?' said Millicent, allowing Hermione to drag her from the room by the arm.

'Stuff them!'

From her desk, Irma Pince watched the two young witches leave the library. She chuckled.

END