Disclaimer: I do not own the characters- except for maybe the last speaker- and the lyrics, I think, belong to Johnny Cash. The song is called "Hurt," which I hear Nine Inch Nails reproduced. I don't own them, either.
Warnings: There are a couple of naughty words, drugs . . . nothing you can't find on the TV. But if you feel badly about any of these, I suggest you read not further.
A/N: This fic is brutal and depressing and it comes from T Bond, asking me to make a song-fic out of the song. Well, here it is, T, and if you don't like it, TOO BAD! It's MINE!
And also . . . on an unrelated note . . . if you were looking forward to the 2003 Winter Fanfiction Awards, I'm sorry, they were taken down by the site. Look into my bio for a lengthy explanation.
Enjoy.
__
To Kill It All Away
__
She was murdering me.
There were the same looks everyday, the same way she talked. She was just her, the same she had always been . . . at least on the outside.
On the inside, I knew different.
/I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel/
Jeff smiled at me as I entered the room.
I tried to ignore what I felt inside my heart, at the anger that flamed inside me at the sight of my brother, but the more I felt it, the more I realized how true it was.
"Matt, are you coming with us to take Dad to the doctor?"
I refocused myself long enough to say, "What? Who is 'us?'?"
Jeff frowned. "Me and Amy, duh. Sometimes I doubt if you're my brother."
I barely heard him as I walked out of the room, seething, barely able to suppress what I felt. I wanted to knock out Jeff's teeth; I wanted to grab his rainbow colored hair and jerk him around until his brain smashed on the inside of his skull.
I wanted to murder him, the same way she was murdering me, the same way they were both murdering me.
/I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole/
"Are you insane?"
Shannon's voice was shocked, and yet there was anger there too.
I felt nothing for my friend- if you could still call him my friend. I hadn't talked to him for months personally, except for business matters. I had talked to him before- before she had started to commit murder.
"No, I'm not," I said purposefully. "You're into it, Shannon. Hook up your friend."
Shannon's eyes narrowed. "No. I refuse. You're too good for that."
I laughed coldly. "I've stopped. Hook me up, Shannon. You wouldn't have told me about it if you hadn't intended me to use it." I knew that clearly. He had let it slip months ago- I had filed it away in my brain for future reference. I hadn't thought I would need it, but now I did. I needed it more than ever.
/The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything/
Shannon shook his head violently. "I let it slip, Matt. You weren't ever supposed to hear it. Now get out before I call the cops.
"Call the cops on me? You're the one doing the illegal, Shany. You're the one getting too big for your own fucking head. Now tell me what to do."
Shannon shifted nervously. He had never liked confrontation. From that I knew he wasn't capable of murdering me. He was the only one I could trust for the virtue he was only weak enough not to.
"I won't do it for you, Matt. It'll kill you. Don't you realize you have everything now? You have your family, you have your great girlfriend-"
I snarled and attacked him, shoving him against the wall of the hotel room. The thump echoed and I figured whoever was in the next room would hear it, but I didn't care. Pain was cleaning my insides and Shannon was the nearest thing I had to relief- if he could suck up his own guts enough to get me it.
His eyes were wide and shiny. I could see the fear in them as I pinned his shoulders to the wall.
"Give them to me, Shannon," I whispered, panting hard. "Do it, Shannon, or I bring down the big guns on your damn head."
/What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end/
"Matt," he croaked. "Don't."
I threw him the floor. He yelped in pain- but that's Shannon. He's too weak to do anything but tag along with the big boys. And I was too big for him now.
I went to his bag but he was up in a flash, chasing after me, yelling.
I spun around on my heel, one hand outstretched, to stop his advances. Speaking in a dangerous tone, I said, "Alright, Shannon. Fine. I'll pay you triple the price."
He stopped. The hand which had been flailing angrily dropped to his side. The fear in his eyes left and he stood loosely. He tensed, his eyes brightening.
That was the Shannon I knew. That was the Shannon I had counted on.
When you could count on nothing in this world, when you could count on only the pain and traitors and the betrayal, you could also count on greed.
/You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt/
The bag was securely in my pocket. It was small, so small that I was willing to risk detection. I was willing to risk detection as I walked into the store with my friend Jay.
He wasn't my friend anymore.
I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye.
He was murdering me- just like she.
He was murdering me, just as she was murdering me, just as Jeff was murdering me.
"Why are we here again?" the murderer asked, twisting his head. "I don't remember."
Trying to control my emotion, trying to stop my hands from clenching, I looked around. The store wasn't crowded, but if I tried to commit the murder that was happening to me, then I'd be taken. And the small bag in my pocket would go to waste.
"We're here to get my dad's medicine," I said, walking to the pharmacy, hoping that maybe Jay wouldn't keep up with me, but he did. He had come along when he had seen me, and though I had tried to shake him, he followed. And it would arouse suspicion if I forced him away or murdered him, though I wanted too badly and I doubted anyone would care.
If you could count on greed in this world, you could also count on murder.
/I wear my crown of thorns
On my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair/
"What's wrong with your dad?"
"They say he's showing signs of beginning schizophrenia," I said, coming up to the counter.
Jay stopped beside me. "My God, Matt . . . that's horrible! I'm so sorry! Why didn't you say anything?"
I shrugged at him and felt savage pleasure at making the murderer wait. "Not your business."
"But I know him as well as you do!" he replied hotly. "If Amy knows-"
The woman in a white coat walked up behind the counter and I started to give her the order, while Jay flapped behind me.
Oh yes, he would talk about her. He could.
Because if you could count on greed and murder in this world, you could count on lust.
/Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are somewhere else
I am still right here/
It was eerily quiet.
Shadows painted the walls, shapes I hadn't known before, and shapes I probably wouldn't ever know.
Oh well.
I didn't have to know that anyway.
I could hear strains in the distance, sirens and cars honking and the trains far away. I didn't know where I was. I didn't care.
The bag was open besides me, its white contents spilling out. Besides that there was a pill bottle, all contents on the table. The name on the bottle was my father's.
I laid the notes on the dresser, each neatly addressed to its namesake.
One to my father, one to Shannon, one to each of my three murders.
Daddy.
Shannon.
Jeffrey.
Jay.
Amy.
/What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end/
I set my cell phone on the dresser besides it, along with all my jewelry.
I went to the door and locked it.
I came back to my contents and turned off the lights.
I sat in the shadows and stared.
If you could on anything in this world with greed, murder, and lust, you could count also on pain.
/You could have it all
My empire of dirt/
I took the contents.
I swallowed the pills. I shot the coke.
And I lay on the bed, waiting, feeling my heart pounding, feeling my ears thudding.
In the movies you were rescued before you died.
In the movies you never died.
But if you could count on anything besides greed, murder, lust, and pain, you could also count on death.
/I will let you down
I will make you hurt/
Dear Amy:
Hey, Amy. It's me, your sweet Mattykins.
Bet you never knew that was me, huh?
I think I'll keep this letter short- it'll be really sweet.
Hey, Amy? Guess what?
I found out you were cheating on me. I guess I wasn't good enough, my lover fuck huh? Jeff and Jay had to suffice, I guess.
Hey, I'm not bitter.
Of course I'm not. I'm just paranoid, right? There weren't any clues.
There wasn't any evidence. There were just my own gut suspicions.
But those are the strongest, Amy love.
And so buh-bye, bunny.
Next trip we come around, don't rip out my heart, you bitch.
See you in hell.
All my love,
Matt.
/If I could start again
A million miles away/
"So he thought she was cheating on him, huh?"
"Yes, mental illness runs in the family. The dad was just diagnosed with schizophrenia. It wasn't even true."
"Oh. Too bad."
The coroner slammed the dead, drugged body back in the freezer.
/I would keep myself
I would find a way/
Well . . . . Here's my new song-fic. I know it is dark and deep and depressing, but I thought of it in the span of forty minutes. Like I said, blame it on T Bond. It's his entire fault.