POV: Donna
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: These are not my characters. I guess they are AS's still,
unless he's turning them over to John Wells now.
All the Way - Chapter Two
A West Wing Story
by MAHC
"Don't you feel any regret over the fact that you blatantly eavesdrop on state secrets?"
Donna smiled as her intended comment startled Margaret to the point of jerking away from Leo's closed door. Usually, the Chief of Staff's secretary would have shrugged and allowed that state secrets were discussed in the Oval Office. Only the less important secrets were available to her from Leo's office. But today, she stared at her friend as if the Pope himself had walked in on her.
"Donna!"
"Relax," she assured her. "It's just me. And I promise not to tell - but only if you spill everything you know."
It was intended as a joke, but the striking redhead straightened nervously and cleared her throat, shifting awkwardly to her desk.
"I, uh, I didn't - I couldn't hear anything," she stammered.
Right. "Okay. What gives?" Donna forced, leveling a pointed gaze at her friend. This must be good.
Margaret suddenly became very interested in the stack of papers on her desk and shuffled them loudly. "Nothing. Really."
"Margaret? This is me. Donna. You've got something good, state secret or not." She had never seen Leo's secretary this flustered and it suddenly shot warnings all the way to her fingers. There was nothing Margaret was more eager to do than share the gossip of the West Wing, unless -
Donna's heart raced when she realized it must be about Jed. It had to be about Jed to solicit this powerful a reaction. After her unexpected rebuff the previous night from trying to give her husband a little personal pleasure, Donna had been on edge, had tried to determine what was going on. Now this next disturbing piece of the puzzle lay on the table in front of her and the emerging picture held less than pleasant clues.
"Margaret," she said seriously. "Tell me." Her voice dropped to an insistent whisper. "Tell me what's going on."
Once more, the other women attempted a distraction. "Really, I probably misheard anyway."
Donna wasn't buying it. "Tell me," she insisted, now standing directly in front of the desk.
The expression on Margaret's face showed a disturbing mixture of fear, anger, pain, and regret. Just that look made Donna's stomach drop.
"I, uh, I'm sure it's really nothing. I'm sure I heard wrong."
"Tell me."
With a heavy sigh, Margaret forced her eyes to look into those of her friend. "I - overheard them, before the door was closed. Leo asked the President how he was doing."
Oh God. Did Leo notice, too? Did Leo suspect? Her conversation with Zoey danced through her mind. Jed was distracted, unfocused, and sometimes downright forgetful. They had both seen it. Now had Leo seen it, too? And if Leo saw it, who was next?
"Did he ask it casually, like a greeting, or was it a definite inquiry into his health?"
Margaret's eyes widened at Donna's comprehension. "An inquiry," she verified. "He asked the President if he was 'managing' okay."
Managing? "What did Jed say?"
Margaret flinched a little and Donna knew she still had not grown accustomed to hearing her call the President by his given name. "He said - " She broke off suddenly. "Look, Donna, there was some noise out here, and I probably heard wrong - "
Dear God, what did he say? "Margaret - "
She bit her lip before blurting it out. "He said he didn't know how long he could continue like that."
Bracing herself physically against the desk, Donna asked, "Like what? Continue like what?"
"I don't know. Maybe he just meant he was tired. Maybe he just needed a nap." The earnest voice heartened Donna with its hope, but she didn't really believe it.
"What did Leo say?"
"Well, he, uh, he said they were working on it and maybe it wouldn't be much longer before the President wouldn't have to worry about it."
About what? This was driving her crazy. What was it Jed was so worried about? What was it he didn't think he could continue much longer? "What else, Margaret? Think."
She did think, screwing up her forehead in concentration. "He said he didn't think - he couldn't avoid you much longer." Sorrow weighted down her voice. "He said - " Again, she faltered. "Donna, I don't think I should - "
"Tell me," she urged, her tone fierce.
"He said it was hard being around you."
If Margaret had slapped her in the face, Donna couldn't have been more stunned. The secretary's eyes filled with tears at the absolute shock on the First Lady's face.
"He said - he said - what?"
"I don't want to repeat it, Donna," Margaret pleaded. "Please."
And she didn't want to hear it, either, but she had to. She had to know that's what he said. "Tell me again, Margaret. Tell me exactly what you heard."
Reluctantly, Leo's assistant closed her eyes and repeated the statement. "It was just before Leo came over and closed the door. I heard the President sigh, heavily, and his voice had gotten a little shaky. Not confident like it usually is. He said - he said it was so hard being around you, and Leo told him - he told him maybe it wouldn't be for much longer."
The impossibility of those statements tightened around her chest, created a physical ache that drove straight through her heart. Numb, she stumbled backward against the doorframe, throat burning, hands trembling, stomach churning with nausea.
"Donna?" A slim hand reached out to her, but she shook off the offered consolation.
She had to get out of there. Oblivious to the startled agents who followed her, she staggered upstairs, barely making it to the bathroom before she was sick. Oh God. How could that happen? How could he change so drastically, so suddenly?
Then she thought, "What have I done? What did I do to make him feel this way?" Her mind searched frantically for some action on her part that would affect him so deeply that he couldn't live with her. That he didn't - she could barely even think this - didn't love her anymore. With violent sobs, she fell onto the bed, her entire body shaking with the miserable emotions that swept over her.
It was hard for Jed to be around her. It was absolutely the most frightening revelation she had ever had. And an ironic statement flashed into her mind.
What's next?
By evening, Donna had calmed enough to draw on a little logic. The result was the creation of two theories. The first theory, which was totally unacceptable, was that Jed had simply decided he didn't love her anymore and couldn't stand to be around her. She could not make herself believe that, regardless of what Margaret had heard. She couldn't believe that the incredible love she felt from him had suddenly vanished, couldn't believe that the tenderness and the passion and the teasing and the deep connection were just shallow, false expressions of lust. No, she decided the first theory just wouldn't work.
The second theory, while better for her ego, promised equally disturbing consequences. It was hard for him to be around her because he knew what was happening to him. He understood his body's betrayal, had faced the weakness that he had fought off for so long, but that now had finally caught up with him. And he wanted to protect her from it, to keep her away from the realization as long as possible. Thus, the avoidance, the distance. Well, he'd have to work pretty damn hard to keep her away. She had promised for better or worse, fully knowing that worse could come at any time.
Well, if that time had come, she was ready.
J.T. had been fed and was settled in the crib, where he would stay until his 10:00 p.m. feeding. It was almost like clockwork. To her surprise, Jed arrived a little after 8:00, tie already zipping from around his neck, hand already moving to undo the buttons of his shirt. Normally, this would have instigated some nice caressing. Normally, he would have welcomed her fingers as they ran through the hair on his chest, as they trailed lower to cup him and stir him to arousal. Normally, he would have turned her in his arms and pressed their bodies close so she could feel just how strongly she affected him. But things had not been normal for some time. Still, maybe she could remind him how close they had been, how good they were together.
As he stepped toward the closet, to hang up his coat, she moved in behind him, pressing her body against his and sliding her hands up his stomach and over his chest, planning to help him out of the shirt. With a totally unexpected jerk, he tore away from her as if she had burned him with her touch.
"Jed?" Concern and pain flowed through her tone. She dropped her hands to her sides, not knowing how to react.
He refused to look at her, turned away and stepped into the bathroom. "I'm sorry, Donna," he offered. "It's just - I'm really beat tonight. I had hoped we could just - go to sleep."
"Jed - " she tried again, letting the plea sound clearly.
But his eyes stopped her as he turned and she saw the pain in them, the begging. Never had he looked at her like that. "Please," he said roughly. "Please."
Nonplussed, Donna could only nod and watch him close the door, shutting him off from her just as much physically now as he had done emotionally. How could she reach him, how could she convince him that it didn't matter? That she would be with him the whole time? That she was not leaving, even if he tried to push her away - even if he thought it was for her own good?
Wiping at the falling tears, she leaned over her son's bed, looking at the small replica of her husband, wondering if he was destined to grow up without that father-son connection, without the deep and unwavering love she knew Jed Bartlet could give him. She watched the tiny mouth - Jed's mouth. She gently caressed a small hand - Jed's hand. She looked at the closed eyelids, but knew behind them were Jed's eyes.
The thought that he might not know his father made her ache inside. No, she decided. She would not let that happen. She would not let Jed go. Whether he was moving away from her because he didn't love her anymore, or whether it was to protect her from having to deal with him in sickness, she would not let him go.
He was stuck with her and she was damned if she was going to make it easy for him to get unstuck.
All the Way - Chapter Two
A West Wing Story
by MAHC
"Don't you feel any regret over the fact that you blatantly eavesdrop on state secrets?"
Donna smiled as her intended comment startled Margaret to the point of jerking away from Leo's closed door. Usually, the Chief of Staff's secretary would have shrugged and allowed that state secrets were discussed in the Oval Office. Only the less important secrets were available to her from Leo's office. But today, she stared at her friend as if the Pope himself had walked in on her.
"Donna!"
"Relax," she assured her. "It's just me. And I promise not to tell - but only if you spill everything you know."
It was intended as a joke, but the striking redhead straightened nervously and cleared her throat, shifting awkwardly to her desk.
"I, uh, I didn't - I couldn't hear anything," she stammered.
Right. "Okay. What gives?" Donna forced, leveling a pointed gaze at her friend. This must be good.
Margaret suddenly became very interested in the stack of papers on her desk and shuffled them loudly. "Nothing. Really."
"Margaret? This is me. Donna. You've got something good, state secret or not." She had never seen Leo's secretary this flustered and it suddenly shot warnings all the way to her fingers. There was nothing Margaret was more eager to do than share the gossip of the West Wing, unless -
Donna's heart raced when she realized it must be about Jed. It had to be about Jed to solicit this powerful a reaction. After her unexpected rebuff the previous night from trying to give her husband a little personal pleasure, Donna had been on edge, had tried to determine what was going on. Now this next disturbing piece of the puzzle lay on the table in front of her and the emerging picture held less than pleasant clues.
"Margaret," she said seriously. "Tell me." Her voice dropped to an insistent whisper. "Tell me what's going on."
Once more, the other women attempted a distraction. "Really, I probably misheard anyway."
Donna wasn't buying it. "Tell me," she insisted, now standing directly in front of the desk.
The expression on Margaret's face showed a disturbing mixture of fear, anger, pain, and regret. Just that look made Donna's stomach drop.
"I, uh, I'm sure it's really nothing. I'm sure I heard wrong."
"Tell me."
With a heavy sigh, Margaret forced her eyes to look into those of her friend. "I - overheard them, before the door was closed. Leo asked the President how he was doing."
Oh God. Did Leo notice, too? Did Leo suspect? Her conversation with Zoey danced through her mind. Jed was distracted, unfocused, and sometimes downright forgetful. They had both seen it. Now had Leo seen it, too? And if Leo saw it, who was next?
"Did he ask it casually, like a greeting, or was it a definite inquiry into his health?"
Margaret's eyes widened at Donna's comprehension. "An inquiry," she verified. "He asked the President if he was 'managing' okay."
Managing? "What did Jed say?"
Margaret flinched a little and Donna knew she still had not grown accustomed to hearing her call the President by his given name. "He said - " She broke off suddenly. "Look, Donna, there was some noise out here, and I probably heard wrong - "
Dear God, what did he say? "Margaret - "
She bit her lip before blurting it out. "He said he didn't know how long he could continue like that."
Bracing herself physically against the desk, Donna asked, "Like what? Continue like what?"
"I don't know. Maybe he just meant he was tired. Maybe he just needed a nap." The earnest voice heartened Donna with its hope, but she didn't really believe it.
"What did Leo say?"
"Well, he, uh, he said they were working on it and maybe it wouldn't be much longer before the President wouldn't have to worry about it."
About what? This was driving her crazy. What was it Jed was so worried about? What was it he didn't think he could continue much longer? "What else, Margaret? Think."
She did think, screwing up her forehead in concentration. "He said he didn't think - he couldn't avoid you much longer." Sorrow weighted down her voice. "He said - " Again, she faltered. "Donna, I don't think I should - "
"Tell me," she urged, her tone fierce.
"He said it was hard being around you."
If Margaret had slapped her in the face, Donna couldn't have been more stunned. The secretary's eyes filled with tears at the absolute shock on the First Lady's face.
"He said - he said - what?"
"I don't want to repeat it, Donna," Margaret pleaded. "Please."
And she didn't want to hear it, either, but she had to. She had to know that's what he said. "Tell me again, Margaret. Tell me exactly what you heard."
Reluctantly, Leo's assistant closed her eyes and repeated the statement. "It was just before Leo came over and closed the door. I heard the President sigh, heavily, and his voice had gotten a little shaky. Not confident like it usually is. He said - he said it was so hard being around you, and Leo told him - he told him maybe it wouldn't be for much longer."
The impossibility of those statements tightened around her chest, created a physical ache that drove straight through her heart. Numb, she stumbled backward against the doorframe, throat burning, hands trembling, stomach churning with nausea.
"Donna?" A slim hand reached out to her, but she shook off the offered consolation.
She had to get out of there. Oblivious to the startled agents who followed her, she staggered upstairs, barely making it to the bathroom before she was sick. Oh God. How could that happen? How could he change so drastically, so suddenly?
Then she thought, "What have I done? What did I do to make him feel this way?" Her mind searched frantically for some action on her part that would affect him so deeply that he couldn't live with her. That he didn't - she could barely even think this - didn't love her anymore. With violent sobs, she fell onto the bed, her entire body shaking with the miserable emotions that swept over her.
It was hard for Jed to be around her. It was absolutely the most frightening revelation she had ever had. And an ironic statement flashed into her mind.
What's next?
By evening, Donna had calmed enough to draw on a little logic. The result was the creation of two theories. The first theory, which was totally unacceptable, was that Jed had simply decided he didn't love her anymore and couldn't stand to be around her. She could not make herself believe that, regardless of what Margaret had heard. She couldn't believe that the incredible love she felt from him had suddenly vanished, couldn't believe that the tenderness and the passion and the teasing and the deep connection were just shallow, false expressions of lust. No, she decided the first theory just wouldn't work.
The second theory, while better for her ego, promised equally disturbing consequences. It was hard for him to be around her because he knew what was happening to him. He understood his body's betrayal, had faced the weakness that he had fought off for so long, but that now had finally caught up with him. And he wanted to protect her from it, to keep her away from the realization as long as possible. Thus, the avoidance, the distance. Well, he'd have to work pretty damn hard to keep her away. She had promised for better or worse, fully knowing that worse could come at any time.
Well, if that time had come, she was ready.
J.T. had been fed and was settled in the crib, where he would stay until his 10:00 p.m. feeding. It was almost like clockwork. To her surprise, Jed arrived a little after 8:00, tie already zipping from around his neck, hand already moving to undo the buttons of his shirt. Normally, this would have instigated some nice caressing. Normally, he would have welcomed her fingers as they ran through the hair on his chest, as they trailed lower to cup him and stir him to arousal. Normally, he would have turned her in his arms and pressed their bodies close so she could feel just how strongly she affected him. But things had not been normal for some time. Still, maybe she could remind him how close they had been, how good they were together.
As he stepped toward the closet, to hang up his coat, she moved in behind him, pressing her body against his and sliding her hands up his stomach and over his chest, planning to help him out of the shirt. With a totally unexpected jerk, he tore away from her as if she had burned him with her touch.
"Jed?" Concern and pain flowed through her tone. She dropped her hands to her sides, not knowing how to react.
He refused to look at her, turned away and stepped into the bathroom. "I'm sorry, Donna," he offered. "It's just - I'm really beat tonight. I had hoped we could just - go to sleep."
"Jed - " she tried again, letting the plea sound clearly.
But his eyes stopped her as he turned and she saw the pain in them, the begging. Never had he looked at her like that. "Please," he said roughly. "Please."
Nonplussed, Donna could only nod and watch him close the door, shutting him off from her just as much physically now as he had done emotionally. How could she reach him, how could she convince him that it didn't matter? That she would be with him the whole time? That she was not leaving, even if he tried to push her away - even if he thought it was for her own good?
Wiping at the falling tears, she leaned over her son's bed, looking at the small replica of her husband, wondering if he was destined to grow up without that father-son connection, without the deep and unwavering love she knew Jed Bartlet could give him. She watched the tiny mouth - Jed's mouth. She gently caressed a small hand - Jed's hand. She looked at the closed eyelids, but knew behind them were Jed's eyes.
The thought that he might not know his father made her ache inside. No, she decided. She would not let that happen. She would not let Jed go. Whether he was moving away from her because he didn't love her anymore, or whether it was to protect her from having to deal with him in sickness, she would not let him go.
He was stuck with her and she was damned if she was going to make it easy for him to get unstuck.