A/N: God bless you, Haythem. Or Sephiroth bless you if you're an atheist,
but whatever. More importantly, I have inspiration for this chapter, though
the next chapter will DEFINITELY be the last. And then you can all check
out Vincent's Halloween Party in the FF7 section of FF.net!
Disclaimer: You know the drill.
**Quote of the Day** "You know, our meeting must be the blessing of Yevon." - Yuna, SS Liki (Man, am I lame or what?)
The Cursed Wakka Doll: written by the immortal MoMo-ChAn
Chapter 13
The Besaid Aurochs suck.
I just thought I'd say that before I continued the chapter.
Anyway, Yuna was sitting on her bed, dimly wondering why she had been a sphere hunter in extremely skimpy clothes with Rikku in even more extremely skimpy clothes and a girl with the a personality mix of Lulu and Auron's named Paine in her dream. (Sorry, I played an FFX-2 demo.) Shaking her head of the memory, she stretched and looked at the sleeping Tidus. He was snoring lightly and a bit of drool hung from a corner of his mouth. She contemplated wiping it away, but then it dropped and was absorbed into the sheets. Oh, where was a sphere when you needed one!
"Tidus?" she asked tentatively. He snorted and she giggled. She looked around and found Jecht and Rikku asleep. (ON SEPARATE BEDS YOU HENTAIS!) So she was bored. No one else was here and awake. Except . . .
"Kuut sunhehk, Myto Yuna," Idiot said, inclining his head towards her. Yuna stared at him blankly, wondering what he had said. (Good morning, Lady Yuna.)
"Um . . . hello," Yuna replied, wishing that she had studied the primers. Idiot looked blankly at her, dimly wondering why his stomach was growling. He shrugged and left, tripping over his Al Bhed boots. Yuna laughed at his klutzy-ness and then felt badly about it because that's just the kind of person she is.
"Tidus!" she said sharply, "GET UP!" She pushed him and he fell off the bed.
"OUCH!"
"I'm sorry," Yuna said, Curing Tidus.
"That wasn't very nice Yuna," Tidus said reproachfully.
"I know, I'm sorry."
"So why did you push me off the bed?" Tidus asked, getting up and stretching. He cracked a few knuckles and rotated his head. He looked at Yuna, who responded with a simple, yet extremely explanatory, "Meh."
Yuna got up and dusted off her dress. "You know," she said, "I want to find Kimahri. I haven't seen him in a while. You know, we've been together since I was seven. He's like a . . . a substitute father figure!"
"He's a giant blue cat that stands on his hind legs," muttered Tidus, low enough so that Yuna wouldn't hear. If she did, he'd be back in the Farplane. For good, because Yuna loved Kimahri very, very much.
"Come on, let's go!"
***CHANGE OF SCENE***
Kimahri was happy. It's a rare moment when Kimahri's happy. His horn was broken, he was kicked off of Mt. Gagazet, he had to take a dumb little girl from Bevelle ALL THE WAY to BESAID, he had to be the dumb kid's guardian, and then he had to help rescue the dumb girl's dream boyfriend. Who was, quite literally, a dream. But it didn't matter now. You know why? It's because Kimahri's winning at poker.
"Show hand," Kimahri commanded the Al Bhed Yevonite poker players. They showed their hands. One had four twos and a king, another had a four, five, six, seven, and eight, and the other two had folded before. Kimahri grinned his feral, I'm-gonna-eat-you grin. He showed his hand. Four aces and a king of spades.
"Kimahri win," he said happily, grabbing the poker chips and pulled them towards him. The Al Bhed cursed, saying things like, "May fiends eat your children" and "I hope you get captured by the Al Bhed." Kimahri wanted to laugh at the irony. The Al Bhed were friends of his, and the people sitting at the table WERE Al Bhed! It was very amusing, but Kimahri said nothing. Kimahri is not stupid.
"Kimahri!"
Kimahri froze. Kimahri thought Kimahri heard Man in Red Coat. Man in Red Coat had died before, but came back to life. Man in Red Coat could be called "legendary guardian" as much as he wanted; Kimahri knew Man in Red Coat tried to stop Lord Braska from completing his pilgrimage. But why, why was Man in Red Coat looking for Kimahri?
Lady with Big Boobs opened the door and entered, crying, "Kimahri!"
"What do you want?" Kimahri said in Kimahri's deep voice.
Man in Red Coat said, "We've been looking for you."
Stupid Doll said, " . . ."
"Why you look for Kimahri? Kimahri HAPPY. Kimahri play poker with-" Kimahri lowered his voice, "- with Al Bhed Yevonites. And Kimahri win all the time!"
Man in Red Coat and Lady with Big Boobs stared at him. Stupid Doll hung limply from Man in Red Coat's hand. It seemed as if Stupid Doll had lost all will to live.
"Where Rikku?" Kimahri asked.
"Sleeping."
"Where Rin?"
Man in Red Coat and Lady with Big Boobs looked at each other. Kimahri could tell that they didn't think about that. Kimahri laughed inwardly at their stupidity. Rin was unconscious by platform thingy; Kimahri had checked.
"Go away. Kimahri must deal hand."
Stupid Doll came to life. "Poker? I wanna play poker, ya?"
Kimahri looked at Stupid Doll. Kimahri did not like Stupid Doll. Stupid Doll was annoying. Stupid Doll wanted to convert everyone in Spira into Gravity-Defying Red Hair Man. Gravity-Defying Red Hair Man was super- annoying. More annoying than even crazy Al Bhed Girl.
"No," Kimahri said firmly.
"Come on, ya?!"
Kimahri pondered this. Maybe Stupid Doll could help him get more gil from stupid Al Bhed Yevonites. Maybe Stupid Doll could use knowledge of Yevon. Kimahri grinned the "I'm-gonna-eat-you" grin.
"OK. Kimahri agrees."
Man in Red Coat frowned. "That's not a good idea."
Kimahri shook his head. "Doll cannot convert anyone. Everyone converted! Doll can help Kimahri win Kimahri's dream vacation!"
Lady with Big Boobs said, "What dream vacation? You've been everywhere in Spira!"
Kimahri shook his head. "Kimahri wants to go to special place. Kimahri wants to buy airship and go on dream vacation. It is Kimahri's ultimate goal in life."
"I thought that was to protect Yuna," Lady with Big Boobs said.
"Kimahri did that. Yuna have five other people to protect her. Kimahri wants Kimahri's dream vacation. Kimahri alone."
Man in Red Coat smiled a little. Kimahri didn't like it when he smiled. That meant Man in Red Coat would agree, but would find some way to mess everything up. Oh how Kimahri hated Man in Red Coat!
"Kimahri!"
Kimahri nearly groaned in horror. Yuna coming! And she probably has Stupid Blond Boy with her! Damn it all!
Yuna came running in and bumped into Auron. Auron turned around and asked if Yuna was all right. Lulu turned as well and asked Yuna if she was all right. Yuna nodded, bowed, and apologized. Yuna is always apologizing.
"I'm so sorry," Yuna said. Tidus came in behind her and saw the poker table. His eyes lit up at the cards. "Hey!" he cried, "Deal me in!" This time Kimahri groaned. Kimahri did not like Stupid Blond Boy! Stupid Blond Boy STUPID. Kimahri did not understand what Yuna see in Stupid Blond Boy. Better than Seymour and Isaaru and any other male character they met, but still!
"Kimahri play alone."
Tidus looked at the Cursed Wakka Doll, who was dealing out hands for the Al Bhed Yevonites. "Oh yeah? What's the crazy doll doing?"
Kimahri looked behind him. "Kimahri and Stupid Doll alone."
"Kimahri . . ." Yuna said reproachfully.
"We were trying to tell him not to play with that crazy doll," Lulu said, seeing as how she hadn't said anything in a while and was feeling uncomfortable, "He didn't see how Rikku was acting when it taught her to make sushi."
"Kimahri saw. Kimahri looked for kettlecorn."
They all looked at Kimahri in disbelief. "You saw Rikku with the Cursed Wakka Doll," Auron said slowly, "and you didn't do anything about it?"
"Rikku crazy. Kimahri leave Rikku alone. Rikku frighteningly powerful when psycho. And Kimahri could not find kettlecorn." Kimahri said all this calmly. He didn't care what the others thought of him. After his dream vacation, he'd ditch them and head out to Gagazet. Besaid made his fur damp. Damp fur is not fun, I can tell oui that!
They shook their heads collectively. They had the audacity to be ASHAMED of Kimahri? Kimahri did not like this. Kimahri would show them!
"Where Gr- where Wakka?"
Now THEY looked ashamed of themselves. Kimahri chuckle softly.
"We- ah- left him in the kitchen to clean up," Auron said.
"We told him that cleanliness was part of being a Yevonite," Lulu added.
Kimahri was aghast. Stupid Blond Boy could eat, but Gravity-Defying Red Hair Man eat even more than starving Ronso! Kimahri feared kitchen. Gravity-Defying Red Hair Man would eat everything after cleaning. He was like that. Kimahri had hated him when he was child. Kimahri wished that it had been Gravity-Defying Red Hair Man who went and got killed as a Crusader and not Funky Red Hair Man. Funky Red Hair Man could blitz, I tell you what. Made Lady with Big Boobs nice too.
"You left Crazy Evil Wakka in kitchen? Alone?"
Even Stupid Blond Boy was aghast. And Stupid Blond Boy no catch on quick to things. Kimahri proud of Stupid Blond Boy; just a little.
"We gotta get him!" cried Tidus. "Who knows what he could do?"
"He can't do much," Lulu said, "He's deathly afraid of machina."
"His blitzball isn't!"
Lulu colored. She had evidently not thought of that.
[WARNING!] shouted the airship, [OUT OF FUEL! CRASHING INTO MAINLAND OR SEA IS IMMINENT! GET YOUR ARSES TO THE BRIDGE!]
Everyone ran to the control room, except the Yevonites, who were too busy screaming about death and how they still had to atone etc. Rikku, Jecht, and Rin had been startled out of their non-conscious state and also ran to the bridge. They all exploded into the room after all of them got stuck in the door. It was a sloppy dog pile with the CWD on top. They all looked up to find Idiot and Stupid Wakka pushing each other. Though they could not understand each other's languages, stupidity transcends all boundaries.
"Oui tet ed!" (You did it!)
"You did it!"
"Hu, oui tet ed!"
"No, you did it!"
And so on and so forth. Rikku managed to wriggle out of the pile and stand in front of the two idiot men.
"Alright, what did you idiots do?" she demanded. Both went silent and ashamed.
Auron managed to get everyone off of himself for his Masamune liked to poke people in the back or the front. It wasn't very picky. He noticed a bright, flashing red button, the proper color of a panicky button.
"What does this button do?" he asked Rikku.
"It releases ALL the fuel! Not just the fuel in the tank, but in the cargo as well!"
Everyone gasped and secretly thought that it was pretty stupid to have a button like that. They also hoped that they were above the Calm Lands, because that much gasoline would most likely not be good for any environment.
"What are we gonna do?" cried Tidus.
Rin hesitated before he spoke. "I . . . I have an alternative fuel source. It will keep the airship in the air for an hour or two, but we must wait a whole month with Al Bhed Yevonites and the Psycho Wakka. It's either that or death."
Everyone decided that they could live with the airship insanity for another month or so. They didn't really want to die, especially since three of them had recently come back to life. But who would do it? Anyone big enough would be swept off the airship!
"I'll do it, ya?"
Everyone stared at the Cursed Wakka Doll. "You?" they said in unison.
"Yeah, I'm gonna do it, ya? Can't let any self-respecting Yevonites die like this; unknown and in a machina ship."
And so it was up to the Brave Cursed Wakka Doll, with Rin's red potion in a crystalline bottle with a golden winged cap on his back, to save the day. Oh the irony!
*****TO BE CONTINUED*****
A/N: I hope you all enjoyed it! Review, ya!
Disclaimer: You know the drill.
**Quote of the Day** "You know, our meeting must be the blessing of Yevon." - Yuna, SS Liki (Man, am I lame or what?)
The Cursed Wakka Doll: written by the immortal MoMo-ChAn
Chapter 13
The Besaid Aurochs suck.
I just thought I'd say that before I continued the chapter.
Anyway, Yuna was sitting on her bed, dimly wondering why she had been a sphere hunter in extremely skimpy clothes with Rikku in even more extremely skimpy clothes and a girl with the a personality mix of Lulu and Auron's named Paine in her dream. (Sorry, I played an FFX-2 demo.) Shaking her head of the memory, she stretched and looked at the sleeping Tidus. He was snoring lightly and a bit of drool hung from a corner of his mouth. She contemplated wiping it away, but then it dropped and was absorbed into the sheets. Oh, where was a sphere when you needed one!
"Tidus?" she asked tentatively. He snorted and she giggled. She looked around and found Jecht and Rikku asleep. (ON SEPARATE BEDS YOU HENTAIS!) So she was bored. No one else was here and awake. Except . . .
"Kuut sunhehk, Myto Yuna," Idiot said, inclining his head towards her. Yuna stared at him blankly, wondering what he had said. (Good morning, Lady Yuna.)
"Um . . . hello," Yuna replied, wishing that she had studied the primers. Idiot looked blankly at her, dimly wondering why his stomach was growling. He shrugged and left, tripping over his Al Bhed boots. Yuna laughed at his klutzy-ness and then felt badly about it because that's just the kind of person she is.
"Tidus!" she said sharply, "GET UP!" She pushed him and he fell off the bed.
"OUCH!"
"I'm sorry," Yuna said, Curing Tidus.
"That wasn't very nice Yuna," Tidus said reproachfully.
"I know, I'm sorry."
"So why did you push me off the bed?" Tidus asked, getting up and stretching. He cracked a few knuckles and rotated his head. He looked at Yuna, who responded with a simple, yet extremely explanatory, "Meh."
Yuna got up and dusted off her dress. "You know," she said, "I want to find Kimahri. I haven't seen him in a while. You know, we've been together since I was seven. He's like a . . . a substitute father figure!"
"He's a giant blue cat that stands on his hind legs," muttered Tidus, low enough so that Yuna wouldn't hear. If she did, he'd be back in the Farplane. For good, because Yuna loved Kimahri very, very much.
"Come on, let's go!"
***CHANGE OF SCENE***
Kimahri was happy. It's a rare moment when Kimahri's happy. His horn was broken, he was kicked off of Mt. Gagazet, he had to take a dumb little girl from Bevelle ALL THE WAY to BESAID, he had to be the dumb kid's guardian, and then he had to help rescue the dumb girl's dream boyfriend. Who was, quite literally, a dream. But it didn't matter now. You know why? It's because Kimahri's winning at poker.
"Show hand," Kimahri commanded the Al Bhed Yevonite poker players. They showed their hands. One had four twos and a king, another had a four, five, six, seven, and eight, and the other two had folded before. Kimahri grinned his feral, I'm-gonna-eat-you grin. He showed his hand. Four aces and a king of spades.
"Kimahri win," he said happily, grabbing the poker chips and pulled them towards him. The Al Bhed cursed, saying things like, "May fiends eat your children" and "I hope you get captured by the Al Bhed." Kimahri wanted to laugh at the irony. The Al Bhed were friends of his, and the people sitting at the table WERE Al Bhed! It was very amusing, but Kimahri said nothing. Kimahri is not stupid.
"Kimahri!"
Kimahri froze. Kimahri thought Kimahri heard Man in Red Coat. Man in Red Coat had died before, but came back to life. Man in Red Coat could be called "legendary guardian" as much as he wanted; Kimahri knew Man in Red Coat tried to stop Lord Braska from completing his pilgrimage. But why, why was Man in Red Coat looking for Kimahri?
Lady with Big Boobs opened the door and entered, crying, "Kimahri!"
"What do you want?" Kimahri said in Kimahri's deep voice.
Man in Red Coat said, "We've been looking for you."
Stupid Doll said, " . . ."
"Why you look for Kimahri? Kimahri HAPPY. Kimahri play poker with-" Kimahri lowered his voice, "- with Al Bhed Yevonites. And Kimahri win all the time!"
Man in Red Coat and Lady with Big Boobs stared at him. Stupid Doll hung limply from Man in Red Coat's hand. It seemed as if Stupid Doll had lost all will to live.
"Where Rikku?" Kimahri asked.
"Sleeping."
"Where Rin?"
Man in Red Coat and Lady with Big Boobs looked at each other. Kimahri could tell that they didn't think about that. Kimahri laughed inwardly at their stupidity. Rin was unconscious by platform thingy; Kimahri had checked.
"Go away. Kimahri must deal hand."
Stupid Doll came to life. "Poker? I wanna play poker, ya?"
Kimahri looked at Stupid Doll. Kimahri did not like Stupid Doll. Stupid Doll was annoying. Stupid Doll wanted to convert everyone in Spira into Gravity-Defying Red Hair Man. Gravity-Defying Red Hair Man was super- annoying. More annoying than even crazy Al Bhed Girl.
"No," Kimahri said firmly.
"Come on, ya?!"
Kimahri pondered this. Maybe Stupid Doll could help him get more gil from stupid Al Bhed Yevonites. Maybe Stupid Doll could use knowledge of Yevon. Kimahri grinned the "I'm-gonna-eat-you" grin.
"OK. Kimahri agrees."
Man in Red Coat frowned. "That's not a good idea."
Kimahri shook his head. "Doll cannot convert anyone. Everyone converted! Doll can help Kimahri win Kimahri's dream vacation!"
Lady with Big Boobs said, "What dream vacation? You've been everywhere in Spira!"
Kimahri shook his head. "Kimahri wants to go to special place. Kimahri wants to buy airship and go on dream vacation. It is Kimahri's ultimate goal in life."
"I thought that was to protect Yuna," Lady with Big Boobs said.
"Kimahri did that. Yuna have five other people to protect her. Kimahri wants Kimahri's dream vacation. Kimahri alone."
Man in Red Coat smiled a little. Kimahri didn't like it when he smiled. That meant Man in Red Coat would agree, but would find some way to mess everything up. Oh how Kimahri hated Man in Red Coat!
"Kimahri!"
Kimahri nearly groaned in horror. Yuna coming! And she probably has Stupid Blond Boy with her! Damn it all!
Yuna came running in and bumped into Auron. Auron turned around and asked if Yuna was all right. Lulu turned as well and asked Yuna if she was all right. Yuna nodded, bowed, and apologized. Yuna is always apologizing.
"I'm so sorry," Yuna said. Tidus came in behind her and saw the poker table. His eyes lit up at the cards. "Hey!" he cried, "Deal me in!" This time Kimahri groaned. Kimahri did not like Stupid Blond Boy! Stupid Blond Boy STUPID. Kimahri did not understand what Yuna see in Stupid Blond Boy. Better than Seymour and Isaaru and any other male character they met, but still!
"Kimahri play alone."
Tidus looked at the Cursed Wakka Doll, who was dealing out hands for the Al Bhed Yevonites. "Oh yeah? What's the crazy doll doing?"
Kimahri looked behind him. "Kimahri and Stupid Doll alone."
"Kimahri . . ." Yuna said reproachfully.
"We were trying to tell him not to play with that crazy doll," Lulu said, seeing as how she hadn't said anything in a while and was feeling uncomfortable, "He didn't see how Rikku was acting when it taught her to make sushi."
"Kimahri saw. Kimahri looked for kettlecorn."
They all looked at Kimahri in disbelief. "You saw Rikku with the Cursed Wakka Doll," Auron said slowly, "and you didn't do anything about it?"
"Rikku crazy. Kimahri leave Rikku alone. Rikku frighteningly powerful when psycho. And Kimahri could not find kettlecorn." Kimahri said all this calmly. He didn't care what the others thought of him. After his dream vacation, he'd ditch them and head out to Gagazet. Besaid made his fur damp. Damp fur is not fun, I can tell oui that!
They shook their heads collectively. They had the audacity to be ASHAMED of Kimahri? Kimahri did not like this. Kimahri would show them!
"Where Gr- where Wakka?"
Now THEY looked ashamed of themselves. Kimahri chuckle softly.
"We- ah- left him in the kitchen to clean up," Auron said.
"We told him that cleanliness was part of being a Yevonite," Lulu added.
Kimahri was aghast. Stupid Blond Boy could eat, but Gravity-Defying Red Hair Man eat even more than starving Ronso! Kimahri feared kitchen. Gravity-Defying Red Hair Man would eat everything after cleaning. He was like that. Kimahri had hated him when he was child. Kimahri wished that it had been Gravity-Defying Red Hair Man who went and got killed as a Crusader and not Funky Red Hair Man. Funky Red Hair Man could blitz, I tell you what. Made Lady with Big Boobs nice too.
"You left Crazy Evil Wakka in kitchen? Alone?"
Even Stupid Blond Boy was aghast. And Stupid Blond Boy no catch on quick to things. Kimahri proud of Stupid Blond Boy; just a little.
"We gotta get him!" cried Tidus. "Who knows what he could do?"
"He can't do much," Lulu said, "He's deathly afraid of machina."
"His blitzball isn't!"
Lulu colored. She had evidently not thought of that.
[WARNING!] shouted the airship, [OUT OF FUEL! CRASHING INTO MAINLAND OR SEA IS IMMINENT! GET YOUR ARSES TO THE BRIDGE!]
Everyone ran to the control room, except the Yevonites, who were too busy screaming about death and how they still had to atone etc. Rikku, Jecht, and Rin had been startled out of their non-conscious state and also ran to the bridge. They all exploded into the room after all of them got stuck in the door. It was a sloppy dog pile with the CWD on top. They all looked up to find Idiot and Stupid Wakka pushing each other. Though they could not understand each other's languages, stupidity transcends all boundaries.
"Oui tet ed!" (You did it!)
"You did it!"
"Hu, oui tet ed!"
"No, you did it!"
And so on and so forth. Rikku managed to wriggle out of the pile and stand in front of the two idiot men.
"Alright, what did you idiots do?" she demanded. Both went silent and ashamed.
Auron managed to get everyone off of himself for his Masamune liked to poke people in the back or the front. It wasn't very picky. He noticed a bright, flashing red button, the proper color of a panicky button.
"What does this button do?" he asked Rikku.
"It releases ALL the fuel! Not just the fuel in the tank, but in the cargo as well!"
Everyone gasped and secretly thought that it was pretty stupid to have a button like that. They also hoped that they were above the Calm Lands, because that much gasoline would most likely not be good for any environment.
"What are we gonna do?" cried Tidus.
Rin hesitated before he spoke. "I . . . I have an alternative fuel source. It will keep the airship in the air for an hour or two, but we must wait a whole month with Al Bhed Yevonites and the Psycho Wakka. It's either that or death."
Everyone decided that they could live with the airship insanity for another month or so. They didn't really want to die, especially since three of them had recently come back to life. But who would do it? Anyone big enough would be swept off the airship!
"I'll do it, ya?"
Everyone stared at the Cursed Wakka Doll. "You?" they said in unison.
"Yeah, I'm gonna do it, ya? Can't let any self-respecting Yevonites die like this; unknown and in a machina ship."
And so it was up to the Brave Cursed Wakka Doll, with Rin's red potion in a crystalline bottle with a golden winged cap on his back, to save the day. Oh the irony!
*****TO BE CONTINUED*****
A/N: I hope you all enjoyed it! Review, ya!