Not A Tear Spent
"Don't you understand anything? Do you even listen to people when they talk to you? Are you even alive in there? Answer me!"
Squall Leonheart sighed, resting his hip against the smooth edge of a tombstone. His grey eyes gazed straight ahead, bypassing the epitaph written on the stone in front of him, blocking out every stimulus minus the warm breeze that ruffled through his hair and the sun that shone down over the small cemetery and blinded his vision.
Winhill… This was his birthplace.
"I can't believe you Squall; don't you ever feel? Ever?"
What did people expect of him? How was one supposed to be the fearless mercenary, the hero of the world and a sensitive and compassionate soul all at the same time? Is that what everyone wanted him to be? Was he letting them all down just because he couldn't shed a tear when it seemed most appropriate?
"I just want to understand you better. Why do you always block everyone out?"
Whatever… They could think what they wanted. Since when were their thoughts important anyway?
"You're hopeless."
Yeah… what else was new? When hadn't he been called that?
"I thought the war had changed you."
It had. But that hadn't lasted for long. Already his body was ready for a new fight, a new challenge. The last year was spent training, battling, and honing his skills; now what was he supposed to do with those? Unlike what Headmaster Cid had thought, Squall would not be able to remain cooped up in an office for the rest of his days only to order others around.
"You look like a caged lion. Maybe we should get you out of here."
Yes… out; but he'd been taken to Winhill and he wasn't quite sure why. Once more his eyes focused on the name engraved on the dark granite. Raine Loire. That was the name of his birth mother.
'Am I supposed to be feeling… grief…?'
Then why was it that he barely felt anything at all?
He was aware of the birds in the sky that were circling above; aware of the bells back in the small village church that rang out the early hour. He was aware of the death of his mother all of those years ago; of the abandonment of him and his half-sister at the foot of a coastal orphanage… But for the life of him, Squall had never tried to remember the details. Perhaps he just never cared enough. The silver ring on his pale finger glittered in the sun.
"I'm disappointed in you Squall."
Distracted from his thoughts, Squall turned quickly; his bare hands were shoved protectively into his coat's pockets and a now perfected scowl was etched into his eyebrows.
Rinoa simply smiled as she walked up beside her boyfriend. "I brought you here for a reason. I had hoped that you would at least feel something. She was your mother after all."
Squall's shoulders lifted in a shrug. "Not really… I don't really remember her."
"I remember my own mom vividly. It hurt me so much when I found out that she had died…" Rinoa's slim fingers reached up to touch the wedding ring that rested against her breastbone and she shut her brown eyes as if she could picture it all again in her mind. "It hurt so much…"
Squall could only shrug again. "I don't remember."
"Don't remember?" Rinoa let out a short, dry laugh. "How could you not remember your own mother?"
"I just don't. The GFs – "
Rinoa was quick to cut him off, a little anger sparkling in her eyes. "Don't give me that GF nonsense; everyone is so quick to blame them but I know better. There are other reasons why you continue to block out your memories. Even Ellone tried to help you restore them. And all of us…" she paused, taking a deep breath. "We're all here for you, supporting you… why do you still refuse? After all of this?"
His grey eyes widened by her sudden outburst; deep down he could sympathize with her heartache. 'Rinoa had lost something dear, and she's sad that you'll completely forget too,' a part deep inside of him said. 'She doesn't want you to forget…'
"No one else can remember either. Only Irvine…"
"I told you to quit making excuses. Why do you act like nothing bothers you?" It was as if her brown eyes were searching his, begging to finally understand him. But she couldn't. "I don't…"
"Whatever." It was harsh, but the word slid so smoothly against Squall's tongue and past his lips before he could even think of holding it back. "I never told you that you had to stay. It was your choice." With one last glance at his mother's name written on the tombstone, he turned to leave.
"Squall!"
Suddenly there were arms around his waist, a body pressing against his back and he struggled against the urge to push her away. 'Push it all away, never let anyone get close… you can't deal with it when people touch you… let her go.'
"I'm done here now. We can leave." Squall's grey eyes fell shut. 'I've paid my respects. There's nothing left to say.'
He heard a sniffle against his back. His first thought was that she was going to ruin his coat with her weeping; the second was that he broke her. He shifted his feet uncomfortably as he tried to find something to say. "What do you want me to say?" It was all Squall's mind could supply and he internally cursed his judgement.
The noise at his back quietened and the weight against him disappeared. Squall couldn't find the nerve to look into her large doe brown eyes and averted his own further, arms across chest, burrowing into his self.
Rinoa never glanced back as she ran down the slope of the hill and into the town.
"You're so hopeless Squall! I can't believe how hopeless you are at times. Do you want people to hate you? I can't stand it when you refuse to look at me!"
'She's right,' Squall mused, a bitter grimace twisting his lips. 'I am an absolute idiot.'