Reflection
by Wing'dCallisto
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is J.K. Rowling's creation, but they're owned by Warner Brothers. (Evil multi million dollar corporations...) Evanescence own themselves, and they wrote 'Forgive Me'... or at least, I'm pretty sure they did.
Author's Note: Just a little follow-up to... er... Chapter One. A reviewer suggested another chapter, showing what had happened afterwards, and even though it's two months late, I finally managed to write something! ^_^ I hope you all like it. The song featured is 'Forgive Me', by my favourite band Evanescence. It's a gorgeous song, not at all in their usual style.
Summary: On the eve of their Graduation from Hogwarts, Hermione wonders if she's found what she's looking for.
--------------------------**
I awoke early the next morning. Parvati and Lavender remained in a deep sleep, curled up below the canopies that had watched over us for several years. Without noticing, I smiled-- another real smile. Memories of the previous night returned, and I realised what I'd done. Something daring. Something that was completely out of character.
Sunlight streamed through the arched window, and I quietly pulled the covers off me and went to bask in the light. I gazed over the Hogwarts grounds, at the lush green grass sparkling in the morning dew, at the lake in the distance, its waters undisturbed. I sat on the window seat, leaning my head against the stone wall. I didn't want to leave this place. But I had no choice.
I left the dormitory and made my way down to the common room. Despite the early hour, Ginny and Harry were both up, sitting in the finest armchairs, directly across from the fire. They did not hear me enter. They were both facing each other. Ginny had her head resting on the armrest, tilted slightly. She was gazing at Harry with blatant awe in her face, a dizzy smile on her lips.
' 'morning, Hermione.' Said Harry with a smile as he saw me. Ginny glanced over, the look on her face slowly disappearing. I felt guilty, having disturbed such a private moment. But then my guiltiness evaporated. Why should I feel guilty? I was still Harry's girlfriend. He didn't know about Ron and I yet.
-----
Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you
-----
'Good morning, Harry.' I replied, forcing an identical smile. I went and perched on the edge of the chair, surveying the scene. He sat up straight and kissed me on the cheek.
'It's our last morning, 'Mione, can you believe it?' He sounded excited-- more excited than I'd ever heard him. 'We're going to be out of here for good. Although, I have to admit,' he paused. 'I'm kind of scared as well. I mean, how am I going to survive not fighting Malfoy every day?' There was a twinkle in his eye.
'Your excitement is infectious,' I replied absentmindedly. 'Listen, Harry, I really need to talk to you...'
'I'll go, then.' Said Ginny quietly as she got to her feet. She sounded sad, and I wanted to reach out to her and apologize, but I couldn't find the words or the courage to do so. Instead, I glanced into the empty fireplace. It was clean, with few traces of ash lingering.
'Dobby did a good job,' I muttered to myself, trying to take my mind off what I was about to do.
'What's that, 'Mione?' Harry pulled me onto his lap, but I distangled myself.
'God, Hermione, what's your problem?' His voice was now icy, and there was no kindness behind those green eyes. 'You're so damn temperamental, you know?'
The silence that seperated our words was full of a noise that I'd never noticed.
'Harry, I don't want to be your girlfriend!' I shouted. All the emotions that I'd ever bottled up suddenly escaped. 'I want to be with Ron. I've always loved him like that.' Suddenly I recoiled in horror from the nasty words that I had said.
Oh, God, what have I done?!
-----
I heard the words come out
I felt like I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you
-----
'What did you say?!' Harry asked, his voice hoarse. 'You-- you're not serious, Hermione.' Forcing a laugh, he took my hand. 'You're funny, y'know that?'
'I'm serious, Harry.' I said quietly, pulling myself away. 'Harry, you're my best friend in the whole world, but... I can't. I love Ron.'
'When did this happen?' He asked, his face contorted into a look of pain, and I was shocked that I had hurt him so much. I'd never meant to.
'Last night,' I replied quietly. 'I kissed him, last night.'
He got to his feet and grabbed me by the shoulders so quickly that I was startled. 'Hermione, I love you. We've been together for a year. Why are you doing this to me now? You're going to screw everything up. What about Lavender? Did you think about her feelings? Did you think about the fact that she might love Ron too?'
'It's not like I planned it, Harry.' I said, trying to remain calm and collected. 'Please, please don't be angry. Please don't stop being my friend. You're special to me, too. But Ron...'
'I don't believe this, Hermione.' He snapped, letting go of me. 'I thought you felt the same way. I was wrong to ask you in the first place if you'd be mine.'
'I'm not yours,' I said quietly. 'I don't belong to anyone.'
He gave me one last glare before going back up to his dormitory. I gazed at his retreating back, and when he disappeared, I collapsed in an armchair, head in hands, and I sobbed.
-----
Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken
-----
Ron and I were the last to go down to breakfast that morning.
Together, we made our way down the empty corridors, a metre seperating us. We did not speak. We didn't even look at each other. I couldn't. I felt not only ashamed at what I'd done, but I felt that I'd betrayed my best friend.
'It'll... be okay, Hermione.' Said Ron as we waited for the staircases to stop moving. He took my hand and gave a small smile. 'I told Lavender about... uh, us.'
'Oh.' I bit my lip and gazed at the ground, tightening my grip on his hand. 'And..?'
'She was cool with it. I was going to break up with her anyway, 'cause she's had her eye on Dean for awhile now.' He rolled his eyes. 'So, I suppose we've only got each other to blame. It wouldn't have lasted, anyway.'
Our eyes met, and I smiled, kissing him gently on the lips.
'But this will, I know it.'
'Harry didn't like it, did he.' Said Ron after a pause, his ears red, as we stepped onto the staircase.
'What makes you think that?' I asked.
'Oh, he's just being a prick. Ignoring me and stuff.' He shrugged.
'We've betrayed him, haven't we.' I said quietly. That hurt the most. I'd betrayed Harry-- someone who I cared for more than anything in the world. I was torn between him and Ron. There was no way I could just choose one of them.
-----
I'd give anything now
to hear those words from you
-----
Breakfast was a long and noisy affair. As Ron and I entered the hall, the cacophany abruptly stopped and the eyes of three hundred students were upon us. I could hear whispering, and I could see the pointing and disgusted faces people were making. I held my head up high and we took our spot at the Gryffindor table, next to Ginny and Harry.
'Harry,' I began as he stood up, but he cut me off.
'I don't care, Hermione.'
Ginny tugged at his robes. 'Sit down, Harry.' She snapped, then sent me a small smile. Harry gave her an amazed look before reluctantly lowering himself back into his chair. People resumed their conversations, and I helped myself to a helping of fruit salad.
An uncomfortable silence hovered over the four of us. I glanced across the table at Dean and Lavender, who were gazing lovingly into each other's eyes. Lavender battered her heavily mascara'd eyelashes at him, and he smiled, leaning forward to kiss her.
Harry watched the display with some amusement.
-----
Each time I say something I regret
I cry 'I don't want to lose you'
-----
'Harry, I want you to accept my apology.' I said quietly, reaching over to touch his hand. He pulled it away, his eyes fixed on Dean and Lavender, who were now hugging each other tightly. 'I told you, I don't love you in that way. You're my best friend-- Harry, please don't do this.'
He did not display any recognition, and my shoulders sagged. I looked helplessly over at Ron, who was shovelling a spoonful of yoghurt in his mouth so he couldn't respond. The food on my plate was gradually looking less and less appetizing.
'What do you want, Harry?' I asked him. 'What did you want from me in the first place?'
Harry sighed, still not looking at me. 'Hermione, it's a little more complicated than that--'
'Just... answer me.'
His green eyes seemed to see straight through me. 'I wanted you to love me,' he replied testily. 'I thought you would, anyway. I'm sorry if that sounds cliched, but that's what I wanted. It's what everyone wants in life, right?'
'Attention, students.' Dumbledore's voice cut me off before I had even started to answer his question. 'You will now be leaving to catch the Hogwarts Express. I sincerely hope you have a good holiday, and best of luck to our seventh-years.'
-----
But somehow I know that you
Will never leave me
-----
Harry had once told me that the carriages were drawn by Thestrals. He could see them because he'd witnessed a death. I was dying inside, unable to tell him that I didn't want to write him out of my life forever. Like him, we'd both seen something die, although in my case, it had been a part of me.
Him and Ginny took the carriage before us, and Ron and I ended up sharing with Luna and Neville. They'd become quite good friends, and chatted excitedly all the way to the gates.
'So, if you send me an owl sometime,' said Neville, 'we'll get together and check out those man-eating plants. They're supposed to be really hard to tame, but I know I could do it.'
'Nifty,' replied Luna dreamily.
-----
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive
-----
I pressed my face against the window at the back of the carriage, catching my last glimpse of Hogwarts, perhaps forever. Ron glanced through the window as the old castle disappeared from sight.
'Hard to believe we're not going back next year,' he said.
I nodded. It was hard to believe in anything anymore.
-----
So stay with me
You look in my eyes
-----
We got off the Hogwarts Express several hours later and milled about with the crowd. Most of the seventh years were crying, hugging, exchanging addresses and promising to meet again.
'I guess this is it,' I said to Ron, feeling slightly uncomfortable. 'Promise me you'll write?'
'Yeah,' he replied. 'If I'm ever bothered to.'
I laughed and hugged him tightly. 'I'm going to miss you, Ron.'
'Don't,' he said. 'We're not too far apart.'
I saw Ginny and Harry saying goodbye over at the edge of the platform. Ginny was crying, and Harry was trying unsuccessfully to comfort her. I smiled up at Ron.
'Would you excuse me for a moment?'
I made my way over to them. Ginny's face was red, clashing horribly with her hair, and she was wiping her tears away. 'It's so sad,' she said, through her sobs. 'That we've just found each other, and now we have to say goodbye.'
'Ginny, you're being silly.' Said Harry pointedly. Then he leant forward and kissed her, stopping us both in our tracks. I gazed at him in wonder. They only kissed briefly, and then reluctantly pulled apart. Ginny's eyes were shining, although not with tears, but with wonder and joy.
'Thanks,' she whispered, before turning away and walking over to a bemused Ron. I watched Harry. He was staring in her general direction, though not really seeing her. I don't think he'd ever really seen me.
'Hey, Harry?' I asked him, reaching over and grabbing his hand. He stared at me, then slowly smiled.
'You know, it couldn't have lasted, 'Mione.' He said, taking his other hand and encircling ours with it. 'We couldn't have lasted like that. It doesn't suit us.'
-----
And I'm screaming inside
That I'm sorry
-----
'I didn't ever mean to hurt you,' I said, looking at our hands, entwined together. 'You're my best friend, Harry-- whatever I do to you, I do to myself.'
'Yeah...' His voice trailed off, and we smiled at each other.
-----
And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you
-----
His forgiveness meant more to me than Ron's love.
by Wing'dCallisto
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is J.K. Rowling's creation, but they're owned by Warner Brothers. (Evil multi million dollar corporations...) Evanescence own themselves, and they wrote 'Forgive Me'... or at least, I'm pretty sure they did.
Author's Note: Just a little follow-up to... er... Chapter One. A reviewer suggested another chapter, showing what had happened afterwards, and even though it's two months late, I finally managed to write something! ^_^ I hope you all like it. The song featured is 'Forgive Me', by my favourite band Evanescence. It's a gorgeous song, not at all in their usual style.
Summary: On the eve of their Graduation from Hogwarts, Hermione wonders if she's found what she's looking for.
--------------------------**
I awoke early the next morning. Parvati and Lavender remained in a deep sleep, curled up below the canopies that had watched over us for several years. Without noticing, I smiled-- another real smile. Memories of the previous night returned, and I realised what I'd done. Something daring. Something that was completely out of character.
Sunlight streamed through the arched window, and I quietly pulled the covers off me and went to bask in the light. I gazed over the Hogwarts grounds, at the lush green grass sparkling in the morning dew, at the lake in the distance, its waters undisturbed. I sat on the window seat, leaning my head against the stone wall. I didn't want to leave this place. But I had no choice.
I left the dormitory and made my way down to the common room. Despite the early hour, Ginny and Harry were both up, sitting in the finest armchairs, directly across from the fire. They did not hear me enter. They were both facing each other. Ginny had her head resting on the armrest, tilted slightly. She was gazing at Harry with blatant awe in her face, a dizzy smile on her lips.
' 'morning, Hermione.' Said Harry with a smile as he saw me. Ginny glanced over, the look on her face slowly disappearing. I felt guilty, having disturbed such a private moment. But then my guiltiness evaporated. Why should I feel guilty? I was still Harry's girlfriend. He didn't know about Ron and I yet.
-----
Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you
-----
'Good morning, Harry.' I replied, forcing an identical smile. I went and perched on the edge of the chair, surveying the scene. He sat up straight and kissed me on the cheek.
'It's our last morning, 'Mione, can you believe it?' He sounded excited-- more excited than I'd ever heard him. 'We're going to be out of here for good. Although, I have to admit,' he paused. 'I'm kind of scared as well. I mean, how am I going to survive not fighting Malfoy every day?' There was a twinkle in his eye.
'Your excitement is infectious,' I replied absentmindedly. 'Listen, Harry, I really need to talk to you...'
'I'll go, then.' Said Ginny quietly as she got to her feet. She sounded sad, and I wanted to reach out to her and apologize, but I couldn't find the words or the courage to do so. Instead, I glanced into the empty fireplace. It was clean, with few traces of ash lingering.
'Dobby did a good job,' I muttered to myself, trying to take my mind off what I was about to do.
'What's that, 'Mione?' Harry pulled me onto his lap, but I distangled myself.
'God, Hermione, what's your problem?' His voice was now icy, and there was no kindness behind those green eyes. 'You're so damn temperamental, you know?'
The silence that seperated our words was full of a noise that I'd never noticed.
'Harry, I don't want to be your girlfriend!' I shouted. All the emotions that I'd ever bottled up suddenly escaped. 'I want to be with Ron. I've always loved him like that.' Suddenly I recoiled in horror from the nasty words that I had said.
Oh, God, what have I done?!
-----
I heard the words come out
I felt like I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you
-----
'What did you say?!' Harry asked, his voice hoarse. 'You-- you're not serious, Hermione.' Forcing a laugh, he took my hand. 'You're funny, y'know that?'
'I'm serious, Harry.' I said quietly, pulling myself away. 'Harry, you're my best friend in the whole world, but... I can't. I love Ron.'
'When did this happen?' He asked, his face contorted into a look of pain, and I was shocked that I had hurt him so much. I'd never meant to.
'Last night,' I replied quietly. 'I kissed him, last night.'
He got to his feet and grabbed me by the shoulders so quickly that I was startled. 'Hermione, I love you. We've been together for a year. Why are you doing this to me now? You're going to screw everything up. What about Lavender? Did you think about her feelings? Did you think about the fact that she might love Ron too?'
'It's not like I planned it, Harry.' I said, trying to remain calm and collected. 'Please, please don't be angry. Please don't stop being my friend. You're special to me, too. But Ron...'
'I don't believe this, Hermione.' He snapped, letting go of me. 'I thought you felt the same way. I was wrong to ask you in the first place if you'd be mine.'
'I'm not yours,' I said quietly. 'I don't belong to anyone.'
He gave me one last glare before going back up to his dormitory. I gazed at his retreating back, and when he disappeared, I collapsed in an armchair, head in hands, and I sobbed.
-----
Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken
-----
Ron and I were the last to go down to breakfast that morning.
Together, we made our way down the empty corridors, a metre seperating us. We did not speak. We didn't even look at each other. I couldn't. I felt not only ashamed at what I'd done, but I felt that I'd betrayed my best friend.
'It'll... be okay, Hermione.' Said Ron as we waited for the staircases to stop moving. He took my hand and gave a small smile. 'I told Lavender about... uh, us.'
'Oh.' I bit my lip and gazed at the ground, tightening my grip on his hand. 'And..?'
'She was cool with it. I was going to break up with her anyway, 'cause she's had her eye on Dean for awhile now.' He rolled his eyes. 'So, I suppose we've only got each other to blame. It wouldn't have lasted, anyway.'
Our eyes met, and I smiled, kissing him gently on the lips.
'But this will, I know it.'
'Harry didn't like it, did he.' Said Ron after a pause, his ears red, as we stepped onto the staircase.
'What makes you think that?' I asked.
'Oh, he's just being a prick. Ignoring me and stuff.' He shrugged.
'We've betrayed him, haven't we.' I said quietly. That hurt the most. I'd betrayed Harry-- someone who I cared for more than anything in the world. I was torn between him and Ron. There was no way I could just choose one of them.
-----
I'd give anything now
to hear those words from you
-----
Breakfast was a long and noisy affair. As Ron and I entered the hall, the cacophany abruptly stopped and the eyes of three hundred students were upon us. I could hear whispering, and I could see the pointing and disgusted faces people were making. I held my head up high and we took our spot at the Gryffindor table, next to Ginny and Harry.
'Harry,' I began as he stood up, but he cut me off.
'I don't care, Hermione.'
Ginny tugged at his robes. 'Sit down, Harry.' She snapped, then sent me a small smile. Harry gave her an amazed look before reluctantly lowering himself back into his chair. People resumed their conversations, and I helped myself to a helping of fruit salad.
An uncomfortable silence hovered over the four of us. I glanced across the table at Dean and Lavender, who were gazing lovingly into each other's eyes. Lavender battered her heavily mascara'd eyelashes at him, and he smiled, leaning forward to kiss her.
Harry watched the display with some amusement.
-----
Each time I say something I regret
I cry 'I don't want to lose you'
-----
'Harry, I want you to accept my apology.' I said quietly, reaching over to touch his hand. He pulled it away, his eyes fixed on Dean and Lavender, who were now hugging each other tightly. 'I told you, I don't love you in that way. You're my best friend-- Harry, please don't do this.'
He did not display any recognition, and my shoulders sagged. I looked helplessly over at Ron, who was shovelling a spoonful of yoghurt in his mouth so he couldn't respond. The food on my plate was gradually looking less and less appetizing.
'What do you want, Harry?' I asked him. 'What did you want from me in the first place?'
Harry sighed, still not looking at me. 'Hermione, it's a little more complicated than that--'
'Just... answer me.'
His green eyes seemed to see straight through me. 'I wanted you to love me,' he replied testily. 'I thought you would, anyway. I'm sorry if that sounds cliched, but that's what I wanted. It's what everyone wants in life, right?'
'Attention, students.' Dumbledore's voice cut me off before I had even started to answer his question. 'You will now be leaving to catch the Hogwarts Express. I sincerely hope you have a good holiday, and best of luck to our seventh-years.'
-----
But somehow I know that you
Will never leave me
-----
Harry had once told me that the carriages were drawn by Thestrals. He could see them because he'd witnessed a death. I was dying inside, unable to tell him that I didn't want to write him out of my life forever. Like him, we'd both seen something die, although in my case, it had been a part of me.
Him and Ginny took the carriage before us, and Ron and I ended up sharing with Luna and Neville. They'd become quite good friends, and chatted excitedly all the way to the gates.
'So, if you send me an owl sometime,' said Neville, 'we'll get together and check out those man-eating plants. They're supposed to be really hard to tame, but I know I could do it.'
'Nifty,' replied Luna dreamily.
-----
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive
-----
I pressed my face against the window at the back of the carriage, catching my last glimpse of Hogwarts, perhaps forever. Ron glanced through the window as the old castle disappeared from sight.
'Hard to believe we're not going back next year,' he said.
I nodded. It was hard to believe in anything anymore.
-----
So stay with me
You look in my eyes
-----
We got off the Hogwarts Express several hours later and milled about with the crowd. Most of the seventh years were crying, hugging, exchanging addresses and promising to meet again.
'I guess this is it,' I said to Ron, feeling slightly uncomfortable. 'Promise me you'll write?'
'Yeah,' he replied. 'If I'm ever bothered to.'
I laughed and hugged him tightly. 'I'm going to miss you, Ron.'
'Don't,' he said. 'We're not too far apart.'
I saw Ginny and Harry saying goodbye over at the edge of the platform. Ginny was crying, and Harry was trying unsuccessfully to comfort her. I smiled up at Ron.
'Would you excuse me for a moment?'
I made my way over to them. Ginny's face was red, clashing horribly with her hair, and she was wiping her tears away. 'It's so sad,' she said, through her sobs. 'That we've just found each other, and now we have to say goodbye.'
'Ginny, you're being silly.' Said Harry pointedly. Then he leant forward and kissed her, stopping us both in our tracks. I gazed at him in wonder. They only kissed briefly, and then reluctantly pulled apart. Ginny's eyes were shining, although not with tears, but with wonder and joy.
'Thanks,' she whispered, before turning away and walking over to a bemused Ron. I watched Harry. He was staring in her general direction, though not really seeing her. I don't think he'd ever really seen me.
'Hey, Harry?' I asked him, reaching over and grabbing his hand. He stared at me, then slowly smiled.
'You know, it couldn't have lasted, 'Mione.' He said, taking his other hand and encircling ours with it. 'We couldn't have lasted like that. It doesn't suit us.'
-----
And I'm screaming inside
That I'm sorry
-----
'I didn't ever mean to hurt you,' I said, looking at our hands, entwined together. 'You're my best friend, Harry-- whatever I do to you, I do to myself.'
'Yeah...' His voice trailed off, and we smiled at each other.
-----
And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you
-----
His forgiveness meant more to me than Ron's love.