Episode1: Honey, I shrunk Evolution
~*`*~*`*~
Disclaimer: We own nobody. Superstars sold their souls to Vince, the DA's own themselves, sorta since they're still minors; and Lucifer courtesy from Bannonluke. You Rock!
We're poor, so please don't sue. I'd loose my crappy computer then we couldn't post anything no more.
This story will, at one point or another, will touch on all of those sensitive topics, so please don't be offended, since this is only to entertain. No flaming wanted, but criticism is alright. PLEASE REVIEW!!!
~*`*~*`*~
God: Hi kids! I'm joined today with the Divine Authors Cerrita and Phoenix. (They wave) And we are at (enter Pay-Per-View name here). My name is Fol- God, and we're going to take a look at some of the weird and crazy things the wrestlers do.
We're going to save best for last, and the boring first. And when I say boring, I mean it! Yep, you guessed it, Lance Storm! Let's go spy on him. (evil laugh) But first, we're going to have to get some poor unfortunate souls to do our bidding. And I have just the three for the job. EVOLUTION, GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!!! (They enter) I want you to take Hunter's humvee and go spy on Lance.
Hunter: Like Hell! I don't have to do a damn thing! I'm the World Champ!
Randy: Yeah! And I'm a third generation superstar!
Ric: Yeah, and I'm... um... really old! WHOOOOOOOO! (Various twitching and shaking- typical stuff)
(Evolution continues with various protesting)
God: Well, then I have no choice but to shrink you.
Hunter: WHAT THE HELL!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HUMVEE???
(We see a black humvee with green DX signs painted on the doors and hood. It is very, very small, about half an inch tall. With the threat of Hunter being stripped of his title, they grudgingly agree to spy on Lance for God, and are shrunk.)
~*`*~*`*~
(Driving down the hall on the lookout for Mr. Boring himself, Evolution suddenly sees Lance Storm and Trish Stratus stumble out of the Divas dressing room. Lance looked frightened of the angry Trish.)
Trish: You WORE my PINK AND PURPLE tie-dyed BRA!
Lance: I swear I didn't mean too. It just beckoned for me to wear it! I tried to fight the urge! But.... It told me I wouldn't be boring anymore (begins shaking with fear and crying).
Trish: That is no excuse! YOU STRETCHED IT OUT BEYOND RECOGNITON! I can't wear it anymore!
Lance: But when I put it on, it made me feel as beautiful as you!
Trish: (calm) Really? (Lance nods) Well in that case!
(Trish grabs the collar of Lance's shirt and pulls him back into the dressing room).
~*`*~*`*~
Hunter: I didn't want to know that. (Whimpers).
Randy: (smiling) It reminds me of Ric.
Ric: Really? (Randy nods) Awwwww.........
(They cuddle)
Hunter: (looks disgusted) That's sick.
~*`*~*`*~
God: Ok! Um, wasn't that interesting! Who should we spy on next? Divine Authors?
DA Phoenix: Yummmmmm, Kane... (Dreamy smile)
Flair: WHAT? NO WAY! I don't want that thing to kill me!
DA Phoenix: (In the voice of a female Devil) YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES. 1; YOU CAN GO SPY ON KANE AND POSSIBLY DIE, OR 2; NOT SPY ON KANE AND HAVE YOUR HEAD CHOPPED OFF WITH A DULL, RUSTY HACK SAW!
(Evolution's eyes go wide)
Hunter: In that case, we'll be on our way!
~*`*~*`*~
(They cautiously drive down the hall awhile before going under a door into a dark room. There are a several candles and mutilated dolls. On the floor is a disturbing site for Hunter. A Tickle-me-Elmo body with the head of a Triple H action figure with X'd out eyes, with a World Championship belt made of the gold aluminum foil from Hersey's Almonds bars. There is also a noose around its neck.)
(Sitting on a bloody, burned up cushion is Kane, sulking with his feet together, arms crossed, moping with the black towel on his head. He has the general appearance of a pouting toddler.)
~*`*~*`*~
Ric: (scared) I don't know about this....
Randy: It reminds me of S&M.
PAUSE.........
Hunter: (sees Tickle-Me-Hunter doll) Oh God, it looks like he wants me dead...
God: (from nowhere) Not my problem!
Hunter: (hears noises from the back of Humvee) Oh sick! You guys, that's not natural!
Ric&Randy: (blush)
Hunter: We're supposed to be watching... IVORY!?
~*`*~*`*~
(Ivory enters the room cautiously. Kane hears and turns his head slightly.)
Kane: What are you doing in here?
Ivory: (nervously) I got lost looking for someone else.
Kane: You're here to make fun of me.
Ivory: No, I'm not. (Sits down nearby) There's nothing to make fun of. You're very handsome...
Kane: No, I'm not. Your gonna make fun of me...
Ivory: All that's wrong with your face is the soot from that fire. Let me get a washrag and some water, and clean it up. (Stands and leaves).
~*`*~*`*~
Hunter: I'm scared.
Ric&Randy: We'll hold you.
Hunter: HELL NO!
Randy: Why not, honey?
Hunter: Freak! Stay away! Don't touch me with your ultra-gay hands! (Randy looks upset.)
Ric: Don't worry darling, I'll hold you.
(Cuddles with Randy.)
Hunter: (looks disgusted.) Wrong in so many ways.
~*`*~*`*~
(Ivory returns and sits down again.)
Ivory: Here we go. Get you all cleaned up. (Starts washing his face.) There, you look much better.
Kane: No, I'm hideous. No one loves me.
Ivory: But that's not true. I love you.
Kane: (doesn't hear her) I've never had a girlfriend. I've never even been kissed.
Ivory: (smiles and kisses Kane's cheek) That better?
(Kane nods.)
Kane: But I've never had a girlfriend.
Ivory: That can change. (Sultry smile)
Kane: (Raises eyebrows suggestively) Really?
(Ivory nods slowly.)
Kane: Ok!
~*`*~*`*~
(Hunter watches in shock. Even Randy and Ric have stopped their 'Cuddling- and-then-some' to watch.)
Randy: Is that position possible? (Tilts head to side)
Ric: Yup. Want me to show you how it's done?
Randy: Of course, sexy boy.
Hunter: Absolutely no Freakin' way! You two had better stop your Ambiguously Gay Excursions before I kick your happy asses out of Evolution, damn it!
Randy: (stops) Why, did you want to join?
Ric: There's always room for the World Champ.
Randy: And I know exactly what we can do with that belt...
Hunter: NO! (Jumps out of the humvee and runs away screaming.)
Randy: (looks at Ric) Shall we continue?
Ric: Lets do.
~*`*~*`*~
(Hunter runs a short distance before stopping next to a large fluffy white mass, the thoughts of Ric and Randy- together- make him sick and he throws up on the fluffiness.)
Voice: What in the name of Satan?
(Hunter looks up and sees the white mass is a teddy bear, sitting in a tiny wheelchair, missing an arm and a leg. It's glaring at him)
Hunter: What the hell are you?
Voice: I'm Lucifer!
Hunter: Satan is a... teddy bear?
Lucifer: (pause) No, Satan's my cousin. I'm Kane's best friend. I've known him since he was just a little red machine. (holds hand above the floor to emphasize his point.)
Hunter: Riiiiiiiiiight. Well, I'm gonna be going back to the Humvee now...
Lucifer: Wait a minute; what in the hell are you doing in here, anyway? Kane said nothing about tiny people. (Yells) KANE!!!!!
Kane: (in a small, scared voice.) yes...?
Lucifer: What is this?
(Points to Hunter. Kane picks up Ivory and moves her before getting up, covering his manliness with only the black towel.)
Kane: I don't know. (Sounds sadistic) Can I kill it?
Lucifer: Sure, and any others you find around here. (Does a double take) Who's the chick?
Kane: My girlfriend! (Sounds proud and happy)
Lucifer: Sure, whatever. I'm going to sleep again. Wake me when Hell freezes over.
(Hunter screams like a girl and takes off, making it back to the humvee and pulling on the handle. It's locked. He tries the other doors- no go. He turns around and sees Kane advancing, holding a crowbar. In an act of desperation, he hops through the open window in the side, landing squarely in the back seat.)
Hunter: OH MY DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN! (Throws open the back door and runs off. Randy jumps out, pulling up and zipping his pants as he does so.)
Randy: Sweetie, come back please! I didn't mean to scare you! (Takes off after Hunter)
(Hunter ducks under a box, but Randy trips in the middle of the floor, falling flat on his face. Ric leans out of the open humvee door. From what we can see, he's without clothing.)
Ric: My love! Watch out! WHOOOOOOOO!
(Randy is slowly getting up)
Kane: (Looks closer) Ewwww. It's some kind of bug.
Ivory: (from behind a stack of boxes) Kaney-Poo, hurry back!
Kane: Ok! (Looks at the 'bug' and sighs) I hate bugs. How am I gonna kill it? (Sees Lucifer is still awake) Lucifer, can you help me?
Lucifer: Don't tell me your still afraid of bugs. (Kane nods) Oh, for the love of... (Wheels his tiny wheel chair up to Kane) Give me the God-Damn crowbar.
(Kane does so. Randy sees Kane and freaks out. Kane gets scared and tries to hide behind Lucifer, not an easy task. In the Process, the black towel is dropped. Lucifer raises the crow bar with his only arm.)
Randy: (still staring at Kane) But it's bigger than mine!
*SPLAT!!!*
(Everybody stops and leans in closer)
Ric: DARLING!!! NO!!!
Hunter: AHHH!!! How could you!?! That was the last bit of talent in Evolution.
God: (leaning closer) Nasty!
Kane: Cool!
Ivory: (not knowing about Randy) Kaney, I'm waiting!
Kane: Coming!
DA Phoenix: (pokes at it) Still a pile of shit even in death.
DA Cerrita: Hmm. Looks like Gumbo. (God and Phoenix stare at her.) What?
~*`*~*`*~
God: Alright, that was... new. Ok, next in line for spying is everybody's favorite odd couple- Eric and Steve!
Ric: How can you have us do this after Randy the Beautiful is dead! (sob)
The DA's: Who Cares?
God: I don't.
Hunter: But, not those two! I'm not spying on Eric, because he can fire me, or Steve because he'll actually make me wrestle!
God: Oh, get over yourself and get going before light you on fire.
Kane: (peeking over the boxes) Did someone say fire?
Ivory: Kane, concentrate! (Two hands appear and pull Kane back out of sight by his shoulders.)
Hunter: Fine. (sulks)
(Hunter and Ric, the remaining Evolution, get in the Humvee and drive under the door and back out into the hall. Hunters driving, trying not to look in the rear view mirror and see Ric, who is sobbing and holding what suspiciously looks like a G-string. They arrive at another door, marked 'General Managers'.)
Hunter: I don't wanna go in there.
God: All right, flame on-
Ric: ALL RIGHT, we'll do it! For Randy!
Hunter: (sighs) We're gonna die.
(The scene is calm at first- Steve reclining on a leather couch drinking beer, listening to Hurricane complain about his 'Loser does a Table Strip Dance' with Rosey against the Dudleys')
Hurricane: Citizen Steve, have reason! It's Rosey! He's a fine S.H.I.T., but he doesn't look good in a thong! Heck, he doesn't even look good without his shirt! How can I allow this atrocity to continue, since we're supposed to job?
Steve: So, what's the problem?
Hurricane: (in shock) Have you ever shared a dressing room with this guy? This is not for the good of the general population!
Steve: (Thinking) Hmmm, come back before the show starts, but let me drink on it first.
Eric: (from next room) Not then, Steve! You're helping me bake pie then, remember?
Steve: (nods slowly) I forgot. (Looks at Hurricane) Drinking will do that to you.
(Eric enters, holding a cookie sheet and spatula. He has an apron that reads 'You Wanna Ride This Wild Stallion?' with 'Well hop on then!' in tiny print below. He's covered in flour, but is still beaming. And as a side note, his hair looks more like it's natural color. HA!)
Eric: How about you come back in an hour? Steve won't be busy then. (Glances at Steve and smiles. Steve rolls his eyes.)
(Hurricane turns to leave)
Eric: Oh, before you go, take one of these strudels I baked. Steve helped. (Suggestive wink. He places a strudel in Hurricanes hand, who's staring open mouthed in horror, hoping what he was reading into the situation was wrong.)
Steve: Damn straight. (Throws away empty beer can.) Damn it, lets go make more. (Eric throws off the apron and they head to the next room, shutting the door behind them.)
Hurricane: (in a forced whisper) Please tell me I'm wrong... pleasepleaseplease (he leaves)
~*`*~*`*~
Hunter: I might just cry. It's one of THOSE kinds of partnerships. (Weeps into his hands)
Ric: Sounds like Randy and me. (Begins slipping an arm around Hunter.)
Hunter: (muffled) Touch me and I'll cut off more than just your hand.
Ric: I love it when you talk rough.
(Hunter presses against door in fear)
Hunter: Um, maybe we should look around a little...?
Ric: (disappointed) Sure. (They get out. Hunter tries to find a way onto the end table, but Ric is more interested in that closed door.)
Hunter: (seeing Ric wandering off) Oh, no you don't! (Suddenly banging and such emit from behind the door. Ric beings drooling, walking like a caveman for the door, but Hunter slaps him upside the head.) Definitely not! (Looks around) Here, lets climb the couch.
(They quickly make their way to the arm, with Hunter pausing only to calm his stomach from the 'noises' in the next room.)
Hunter: Hey, what's that on the table? (points)
Ric: I don't know. Lets go see. WHOO- (Hunter clasps a hand over his mouth)
Hunter: Shut up! Do you want them to hear us?
Ric: (muffled) Sorry, luv. (Licks his palm. Hunter looks disgusted, then wipes it on Ric's shirt.)
Hunter: Nasty.
(They climb onto the table, standing back to get a good look at the object on it.)
Ric: It's a book...
Hunter: The 'Khama Sutra'. Eww.
Ric: It's MY book. How'd it get in here? Randy borrowed it to take notes- And that's his diary over there- Damn! He was cheating on me!
(He runs over and, with great difficulty opens the diary cover. The blank space inside the cover was filled with stick figures, and some are even labeled. Hunter looks ready to loose the rest of his lunch, realizing why Ric and Randy had it.)
Ric: (reading) 'Me 'n Eric, Double Leap Frog Putting Green Melon Twist'. (Eyes well up) That's what we used.
Hunter: (scoffs) Baby. (leans against a flower vase, knocking it over with a loud crash. Noise in the next room stops and moments later Eric exits wrapped in a hot pink bathrobe too short for Terri.)
Eric: What the Hell is going on out here? (See's Hunter and Ric on the table.) What the- Evolution? (leans in real close.)
Hunter: Yeah, it's us! Think you could help us out?
(Eric lets out a blood-curdling screech, one that would have put Stephanie to shame, and passed out.)
Ric: You BITCH! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO STEAL MY DARLING RANDY FROM ME! WHEN I GET BACK TO MY NORMAL HEIGHT, I'M GONNA BITCH SLAP YOU SO HARD YOU'LL GO BRAIN DEAD!!! YOU HEAR ME???
Hunter: He's fainted, so I'm guessing no.
(Jumps off table, landing softly on the edge of the robe. Ric follows, pausing only to give a few futile kicks at Eric before jumping in the Humvee with Hunter. They take off at top speed, but in their haste to escape crash into the doorframe, shattering the small vehicle.)
Hunter: Run!
Steve: Eric, what's wrong with you this time?
(Hunter and Ric don't even look back, but sprint down the hall to the next door, which they don't notice is marked RVD.)
Hunter: Let's hide in here. Maybe God and his cronies won't find us.
Ric: Then-
Hunter: Don't even THINK it!
Ric: Shutting up now.
(They enter. The lights are all on, but no one is in sight.)
Ric: Nobodys' here.
Hunter: Yes there is. (Points) Look up.
(They see Rob Van Dam, doing the Van Dam Lift, of course, and meditating. A moment later, the door opens and Sable peeks in.)
Ric: Slut Alert!
Sable: Rob, have you seen Vince around?
Rob: Oh, hi Sable. No I haven't seen the boss. What did you need?
Sable: Nothing really. (Seductive pose) just a little company.
Rob: That's nice.
Sable: I've always wondered how you do that move. Can you show me how?
Hunter: No, Rob! Don't listen to the whore!
Ric: She's perverted! Get away!
God: Hypocrite.
Rob: Sure. I still have the practice stuff I used, it's in the other room. (him and Sable go in the other room.)
DA Phoenix: That poor, poor man.
DA Cerrita: He must have done something wrong in a previous life.
Hunter: (looks skyward) No, shit.
(Suddenly moans and groans can be heard from the other room.)
Sable: Oh, Rob!
Rob: Oh, Sable!
Sable: Oh, Rob!
Rob: Oh, Sable!
Hunter: I feel for him. I really do.
DA Cerrita: Awwww, did little Hunty show a bit of heart?
Hunter: Go away.
.
~*`*~*`*~
.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? WHAT WERE ROB AND SABLE DOING IN THAT ROOM? DO WE WANT TO KNOW? NOW THAT RANDY'S GONE, WILL RIC FIND LOVE AGAIN?
Ric: I hope so... (licks lips at Hunter)
Hunter: (cowering) Fear!
BUT NOBODY CARES, RIGHT?
Hunter: Well, actually, I d-
WONDERFUL. CONTINUING-
WHAT TYPE OF PIE WERE ERIC AND STEVE BAKING?
The Rock: Do I really have to tell you?
DA Phoenix: Go away. You're in the next episode.
Rock: But-
DA Phoenix: And your cooking sucks.
DA Cerrita: And you would know this how...? (Phoenix ignores her)
WHAT'S WITH THIS 'THING' BETWEEN IVORY AND KANE? AND WHO THE HELL IS LUCIFER? WHEN IS THE NEXT CHAPTER COMING UP? DO THE AUTHORS HAVE LIVES? (no) WILL THEY GET ONE? (no) DO YOU CARE? (no)
STAY TUNED NEXT CHAPTER!
~*`*~*`*~
Disclaimer: We own nobody. Superstars sold their souls to Vince, the DA's own themselves, sorta since they're still minors; and Lucifer courtesy from Bannonluke. You Rock!
We're poor, so please don't sue. I'd loose my crappy computer then we couldn't post anything no more.
This story will, at one point or another, will touch on all of those sensitive topics, so please don't be offended, since this is only to entertain. No flaming wanted, but criticism is alright. PLEASE REVIEW!!!
~*`*~*`*~
God: Hi kids! I'm joined today with the Divine Authors Cerrita and Phoenix. (They wave) And we are at (enter Pay-Per-View name here). My name is Fol- God, and we're going to take a look at some of the weird and crazy things the wrestlers do.
We're going to save best for last, and the boring first. And when I say boring, I mean it! Yep, you guessed it, Lance Storm! Let's go spy on him. (evil laugh) But first, we're going to have to get some poor unfortunate souls to do our bidding. And I have just the three for the job. EVOLUTION, GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!!! (They enter) I want you to take Hunter's humvee and go spy on Lance.
Hunter: Like Hell! I don't have to do a damn thing! I'm the World Champ!
Randy: Yeah! And I'm a third generation superstar!
Ric: Yeah, and I'm... um... really old! WHOOOOOOOO! (Various twitching and shaking- typical stuff)
(Evolution continues with various protesting)
God: Well, then I have no choice but to shrink you.
Hunter: WHAT THE HELL!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HUMVEE???
(We see a black humvee with green DX signs painted on the doors and hood. It is very, very small, about half an inch tall. With the threat of Hunter being stripped of his title, they grudgingly agree to spy on Lance for God, and are shrunk.)
~*`*~*`*~
(Driving down the hall on the lookout for Mr. Boring himself, Evolution suddenly sees Lance Storm and Trish Stratus stumble out of the Divas dressing room. Lance looked frightened of the angry Trish.)
Trish: You WORE my PINK AND PURPLE tie-dyed BRA!
Lance: I swear I didn't mean too. It just beckoned for me to wear it! I tried to fight the urge! But.... It told me I wouldn't be boring anymore (begins shaking with fear and crying).
Trish: That is no excuse! YOU STRETCHED IT OUT BEYOND RECOGNITON! I can't wear it anymore!
Lance: But when I put it on, it made me feel as beautiful as you!
Trish: (calm) Really? (Lance nods) Well in that case!
(Trish grabs the collar of Lance's shirt and pulls him back into the dressing room).
~*`*~*`*~
Hunter: I didn't want to know that. (Whimpers).
Randy: (smiling) It reminds me of Ric.
Ric: Really? (Randy nods) Awwwww.........
(They cuddle)
Hunter: (looks disgusted) That's sick.
~*`*~*`*~
God: Ok! Um, wasn't that interesting! Who should we spy on next? Divine Authors?
DA Phoenix: Yummmmmm, Kane... (Dreamy smile)
Flair: WHAT? NO WAY! I don't want that thing to kill me!
DA Phoenix: (In the voice of a female Devil) YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES. 1; YOU CAN GO SPY ON KANE AND POSSIBLY DIE, OR 2; NOT SPY ON KANE AND HAVE YOUR HEAD CHOPPED OFF WITH A DULL, RUSTY HACK SAW!
(Evolution's eyes go wide)
Hunter: In that case, we'll be on our way!
~*`*~*`*~
(They cautiously drive down the hall awhile before going under a door into a dark room. There are a several candles and mutilated dolls. On the floor is a disturbing site for Hunter. A Tickle-me-Elmo body with the head of a Triple H action figure with X'd out eyes, with a World Championship belt made of the gold aluminum foil from Hersey's Almonds bars. There is also a noose around its neck.)
(Sitting on a bloody, burned up cushion is Kane, sulking with his feet together, arms crossed, moping with the black towel on his head. He has the general appearance of a pouting toddler.)
~*`*~*`*~
Ric: (scared) I don't know about this....
Randy: It reminds me of S&M.
PAUSE.........
Hunter: (sees Tickle-Me-Hunter doll) Oh God, it looks like he wants me dead...
God: (from nowhere) Not my problem!
Hunter: (hears noises from the back of Humvee) Oh sick! You guys, that's not natural!
Ric&Randy: (blush)
Hunter: We're supposed to be watching... IVORY!?
~*`*~*`*~
(Ivory enters the room cautiously. Kane hears and turns his head slightly.)
Kane: What are you doing in here?
Ivory: (nervously) I got lost looking for someone else.
Kane: You're here to make fun of me.
Ivory: No, I'm not. (Sits down nearby) There's nothing to make fun of. You're very handsome...
Kane: No, I'm not. Your gonna make fun of me...
Ivory: All that's wrong with your face is the soot from that fire. Let me get a washrag and some water, and clean it up. (Stands and leaves).
~*`*~*`*~
Hunter: I'm scared.
Ric&Randy: We'll hold you.
Hunter: HELL NO!
Randy: Why not, honey?
Hunter: Freak! Stay away! Don't touch me with your ultra-gay hands! (Randy looks upset.)
Ric: Don't worry darling, I'll hold you.
(Cuddles with Randy.)
Hunter: (looks disgusted.) Wrong in so many ways.
~*`*~*`*~
(Ivory returns and sits down again.)
Ivory: Here we go. Get you all cleaned up. (Starts washing his face.) There, you look much better.
Kane: No, I'm hideous. No one loves me.
Ivory: But that's not true. I love you.
Kane: (doesn't hear her) I've never had a girlfriend. I've never even been kissed.
Ivory: (smiles and kisses Kane's cheek) That better?
(Kane nods.)
Kane: But I've never had a girlfriend.
Ivory: That can change. (Sultry smile)
Kane: (Raises eyebrows suggestively) Really?
(Ivory nods slowly.)
Kane: Ok!
~*`*~*`*~
(Hunter watches in shock. Even Randy and Ric have stopped their 'Cuddling- and-then-some' to watch.)
Randy: Is that position possible? (Tilts head to side)
Ric: Yup. Want me to show you how it's done?
Randy: Of course, sexy boy.
Hunter: Absolutely no Freakin' way! You two had better stop your Ambiguously Gay Excursions before I kick your happy asses out of Evolution, damn it!
Randy: (stops) Why, did you want to join?
Ric: There's always room for the World Champ.
Randy: And I know exactly what we can do with that belt...
Hunter: NO! (Jumps out of the humvee and runs away screaming.)
Randy: (looks at Ric) Shall we continue?
Ric: Lets do.
~*`*~*`*~
(Hunter runs a short distance before stopping next to a large fluffy white mass, the thoughts of Ric and Randy- together- make him sick and he throws up on the fluffiness.)
Voice: What in the name of Satan?
(Hunter looks up and sees the white mass is a teddy bear, sitting in a tiny wheelchair, missing an arm and a leg. It's glaring at him)
Hunter: What the hell are you?
Voice: I'm Lucifer!
Hunter: Satan is a... teddy bear?
Lucifer: (pause) No, Satan's my cousin. I'm Kane's best friend. I've known him since he was just a little red machine. (holds hand above the floor to emphasize his point.)
Hunter: Riiiiiiiiiight. Well, I'm gonna be going back to the Humvee now...
Lucifer: Wait a minute; what in the hell are you doing in here, anyway? Kane said nothing about tiny people. (Yells) KANE!!!!!
Kane: (in a small, scared voice.) yes...?
Lucifer: What is this?
(Points to Hunter. Kane picks up Ivory and moves her before getting up, covering his manliness with only the black towel.)
Kane: I don't know. (Sounds sadistic) Can I kill it?
Lucifer: Sure, and any others you find around here. (Does a double take) Who's the chick?
Kane: My girlfriend! (Sounds proud and happy)
Lucifer: Sure, whatever. I'm going to sleep again. Wake me when Hell freezes over.
(Hunter screams like a girl and takes off, making it back to the humvee and pulling on the handle. It's locked. He tries the other doors- no go. He turns around and sees Kane advancing, holding a crowbar. In an act of desperation, he hops through the open window in the side, landing squarely in the back seat.)
Hunter: OH MY DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN! (Throws open the back door and runs off. Randy jumps out, pulling up and zipping his pants as he does so.)
Randy: Sweetie, come back please! I didn't mean to scare you! (Takes off after Hunter)
(Hunter ducks under a box, but Randy trips in the middle of the floor, falling flat on his face. Ric leans out of the open humvee door. From what we can see, he's without clothing.)
Ric: My love! Watch out! WHOOOOOOOO!
(Randy is slowly getting up)
Kane: (Looks closer) Ewwww. It's some kind of bug.
Ivory: (from behind a stack of boxes) Kaney-Poo, hurry back!
Kane: Ok! (Looks at the 'bug' and sighs) I hate bugs. How am I gonna kill it? (Sees Lucifer is still awake) Lucifer, can you help me?
Lucifer: Don't tell me your still afraid of bugs. (Kane nods) Oh, for the love of... (Wheels his tiny wheel chair up to Kane) Give me the God-Damn crowbar.
(Kane does so. Randy sees Kane and freaks out. Kane gets scared and tries to hide behind Lucifer, not an easy task. In the Process, the black towel is dropped. Lucifer raises the crow bar with his only arm.)
Randy: (still staring at Kane) But it's bigger than mine!
*SPLAT!!!*
(Everybody stops and leans in closer)
Ric: DARLING!!! NO!!!
Hunter: AHHH!!! How could you!?! That was the last bit of talent in Evolution.
God: (leaning closer) Nasty!
Kane: Cool!
Ivory: (not knowing about Randy) Kaney, I'm waiting!
Kane: Coming!
DA Phoenix: (pokes at it) Still a pile of shit even in death.
DA Cerrita: Hmm. Looks like Gumbo. (God and Phoenix stare at her.) What?
~*`*~*`*~
God: Alright, that was... new. Ok, next in line for spying is everybody's favorite odd couple- Eric and Steve!
Ric: How can you have us do this after Randy the Beautiful is dead! (sob)
The DA's: Who Cares?
God: I don't.
Hunter: But, not those two! I'm not spying on Eric, because he can fire me, or Steve because he'll actually make me wrestle!
God: Oh, get over yourself and get going before light you on fire.
Kane: (peeking over the boxes) Did someone say fire?
Ivory: Kane, concentrate! (Two hands appear and pull Kane back out of sight by his shoulders.)
Hunter: Fine. (sulks)
(Hunter and Ric, the remaining Evolution, get in the Humvee and drive under the door and back out into the hall. Hunters driving, trying not to look in the rear view mirror and see Ric, who is sobbing and holding what suspiciously looks like a G-string. They arrive at another door, marked 'General Managers'.)
Hunter: I don't wanna go in there.
God: All right, flame on-
Ric: ALL RIGHT, we'll do it! For Randy!
Hunter: (sighs) We're gonna die.
(The scene is calm at first- Steve reclining on a leather couch drinking beer, listening to Hurricane complain about his 'Loser does a Table Strip Dance' with Rosey against the Dudleys')
Hurricane: Citizen Steve, have reason! It's Rosey! He's a fine S.H.I.T., but he doesn't look good in a thong! Heck, he doesn't even look good without his shirt! How can I allow this atrocity to continue, since we're supposed to job?
Steve: So, what's the problem?
Hurricane: (in shock) Have you ever shared a dressing room with this guy? This is not for the good of the general population!
Steve: (Thinking) Hmmm, come back before the show starts, but let me drink on it first.
Eric: (from next room) Not then, Steve! You're helping me bake pie then, remember?
Steve: (nods slowly) I forgot. (Looks at Hurricane) Drinking will do that to you.
(Eric enters, holding a cookie sheet and spatula. He has an apron that reads 'You Wanna Ride This Wild Stallion?' with 'Well hop on then!' in tiny print below. He's covered in flour, but is still beaming. And as a side note, his hair looks more like it's natural color. HA!)
Eric: How about you come back in an hour? Steve won't be busy then. (Glances at Steve and smiles. Steve rolls his eyes.)
(Hurricane turns to leave)
Eric: Oh, before you go, take one of these strudels I baked. Steve helped. (Suggestive wink. He places a strudel in Hurricanes hand, who's staring open mouthed in horror, hoping what he was reading into the situation was wrong.)
Steve: Damn straight. (Throws away empty beer can.) Damn it, lets go make more. (Eric throws off the apron and they head to the next room, shutting the door behind them.)
Hurricane: (in a forced whisper) Please tell me I'm wrong... pleasepleaseplease (he leaves)
~*`*~*`*~
Hunter: I might just cry. It's one of THOSE kinds of partnerships. (Weeps into his hands)
Ric: Sounds like Randy and me. (Begins slipping an arm around Hunter.)
Hunter: (muffled) Touch me and I'll cut off more than just your hand.
Ric: I love it when you talk rough.
(Hunter presses against door in fear)
Hunter: Um, maybe we should look around a little...?
Ric: (disappointed) Sure. (They get out. Hunter tries to find a way onto the end table, but Ric is more interested in that closed door.)
Hunter: (seeing Ric wandering off) Oh, no you don't! (Suddenly banging and such emit from behind the door. Ric beings drooling, walking like a caveman for the door, but Hunter slaps him upside the head.) Definitely not! (Looks around) Here, lets climb the couch.
(They quickly make their way to the arm, with Hunter pausing only to calm his stomach from the 'noises' in the next room.)
Hunter: Hey, what's that on the table? (points)
Ric: I don't know. Lets go see. WHOO- (Hunter clasps a hand over his mouth)
Hunter: Shut up! Do you want them to hear us?
Ric: (muffled) Sorry, luv. (Licks his palm. Hunter looks disgusted, then wipes it on Ric's shirt.)
Hunter: Nasty.
(They climb onto the table, standing back to get a good look at the object on it.)
Ric: It's a book...
Hunter: The 'Khama Sutra'. Eww.
Ric: It's MY book. How'd it get in here? Randy borrowed it to take notes- And that's his diary over there- Damn! He was cheating on me!
(He runs over and, with great difficulty opens the diary cover. The blank space inside the cover was filled with stick figures, and some are even labeled. Hunter looks ready to loose the rest of his lunch, realizing why Ric and Randy had it.)
Ric: (reading) 'Me 'n Eric, Double Leap Frog Putting Green Melon Twist'. (Eyes well up) That's what we used.
Hunter: (scoffs) Baby. (leans against a flower vase, knocking it over with a loud crash. Noise in the next room stops and moments later Eric exits wrapped in a hot pink bathrobe too short for Terri.)
Eric: What the Hell is going on out here? (See's Hunter and Ric on the table.) What the- Evolution? (leans in real close.)
Hunter: Yeah, it's us! Think you could help us out?
(Eric lets out a blood-curdling screech, one that would have put Stephanie to shame, and passed out.)
Ric: You BITCH! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO STEAL MY DARLING RANDY FROM ME! WHEN I GET BACK TO MY NORMAL HEIGHT, I'M GONNA BITCH SLAP YOU SO HARD YOU'LL GO BRAIN DEAD!!! YOU HEAR ME???
Hunter: He's fainted, so I'm guessing no.
(Jumps off table, landing softly on the edge of the robe. Ric follows, pausing only to give a few futile kicks at Eric before jumping in the Humvee with Hunter. They take off at top speed, but in their haste to escape crash into the doorframe, shattering the small vehicle.)
Hunter: Run!
Steve: Eric, what's wrong with you this time?
(Hunter and Ric don't even look back, but sprint down the hall to the next door, which they don't notice is marked RVD.)
Hunter: Let's hide in here. Maybe God and his cronies won't find us.
Ric: Then-
Hunter: Don't even THINK it!
Ric: Shutting up now.
(They enter. The lights are all on, but no one is in sight.)
Ric: Nobodys' here.
Hunter: Yes there is. (Points) Look up.
(They see Rob Van Dam, doing the Van Dam Lift, of course, and meditating. A moment later, the door opens and Sable peeks in.)
Ric: Slut Alert!
Sable: Rob, have you seen Vince around?
Rob: Oh, hi Sable. No I haven't seen the boss. What did you need?
Sable: Nothing really. (Seductive pose) just a little company.
Rob: That's nice.
Sable: I've always wondered how you do that move. Can you show me how?
Hunter: No, Rob! Don't listen to the whore!
Ric: She's perverted! Get away!
God: Hypocrite.
Rob: Sure. I still have the practice stuff I used, it's in the other room. (him and Sable go in the other room.)
DA Phoenix: That poor, poor man.
DA Cerrita: He must have done something wrong in a previous life.
Hunter: (looks skyward) No, shit.
(Suddenly moans and groans can be heard from the other room.)
Sable: Oh, Rob!
Rob: Oh, Sable!
Sable: Oh, Rob!
Rob: Oh, Sable!
Hunter: I feel for him. I really do.
DA Cerrita: Awwww, did little Hunty show a bit of heart?
Hunter: Go away.
.
~*`*~*`*~
.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? WHAT WERE ROB AND SABLE DOING IN THAT ROOM? DO WE WANT TO KNOW? NOW THAT RANDY'S GONE, WILL RIC FIND LOVE AGAIN?
Ric: I hope so... (licks lips at Hunter)
Hunter: (cowering) Fear!
BUT NOBODY CARES, RIGHT?
Hunter: Well, actually, I d-
WONDERFUL. CONTINUING-
WHAT TYPE OF PIE WERE ERIC AND STEVE BAKING?
The Rock: Do I really have to tell you?
DA Phoenix: Go away. You're in the next episode.
Rock: But-
DA Phoenix: And your cooking sucks.
DA Cerrita: And you would know this how...? (Phoenix ignores her)
WHAT'S WITH THIS 'THING' BETWEEN IVORY AND KANE? AND WHO THE HELL IS LUCIFER? WHEN IS THE NEXT CHAPTER COMING UP? DO THE AUTHORS HAVE LIVES? (no) WILL THEY GET ONE? (no) DO YOU CARE? (no)
STAY TUNED NEXT CHAPTER!