The Rise of the Super Chrises & What the Hell Happened to Hell?
God: (meditating, but suddenly opens his eyes) Wow, I'm bored, too.
DA's: No, shit.
God: (thinking) I know! How about we see what's going on with the Smackdown superstars?
DA Cerrita: (with very little enthusiasm) Whoopee.
DA Phoenix: Hey, I heard Jericho snuck over to Smackdown.
DA Cerrita: Like I said... (sigh)
DA Phoenix: But he's so cute! He's my Chrissey-poo-poo-poo!
DA Cerrita: Excuse me while I repress my gag reflex.
God: You've given me a wonderful idea!
DA Phoenix: We're shrinking Haas and Benjamin so they can spy on Chrissy- Poo and get killed too?
God: No, wrong Chris. I'm talking about the one that's actually interesting to watch.
DA Cerrita: Chris Jericho, the King of No Talent... I like that.
(We see Chris Jericho walking into the cafeteria drinking Canadian Beer, Cheeto Puffs, and Evolution Grain Bars{nutri-grain bars in the shape of Ric, Randy, or Hunter- with creamy filling!}, made famous by their tragic deaths. All of a sudden, Chris Benoit bursts into the room)
Benoit: AHHHH!!!! (runs over to Jericho and falls to his knees, clutching the blond Canadian's ankle and weeping) Help me!
Jericho: What are you doing? (intense concentration) I am the King of Bling Bling! For what pathetic reason do you want my help?
Benoit: (still weeping) MY FRIEND RHYNO IS SHAGGING THAT... that... Amazon. (wails)
Jericho: What Amazon?
Benoit: Shaniqua!
Jericho: (scared, confused, discussed look)
Benoit: (suddenly Rob-like happy) Will you join forces with me and bring an end to this sacrilege?
Jericho: (scared) What the Hell did you just say?
Benoit: Lets become one!
Jericho: Sorry, but I gotta go to... Bling Land, now...
Benoit: It'll be fun! We can become the... Super Chrises!!!
Jericho: Rob gave you some of his happy pills, didn't he?
Benoit: No, but I wish he had. (weeps again about Rhyno)
Jericho: (deep breath) Well, I feel sorry for you, you poor, helpless bastard. Alright, I'll help. But it's not because I want us to be friends- again- it's because I don't want to see another Chyna.
Benoit: YAY! (begins prancing and doing Rico type behavior)
Jericho: That has got to go.
Benoit: But I'm an 8-½ foot tall wolverine, when I want to be.
Jericho: (doesn't believe him, but pats Benoit gently on shoulder) Yeah, sure, I believe you. (sarcastically) And I can turn into the Walls of Jericho! (suddenly morphs into a brick wall with 'Jericho' written in graffiti.) I take that back... COOL!!!
Benoit: Cool! (morphs into an 8 ½ foot tall wolverine with nine inch claws and fangs. Given his newly acquired size, his clothing rips ala Incredible Hulk, leaving tattered jean shorts and shreds of cloth around his wrists form his shirt. He strikes a Stacy Keibler pose)
Jericho: (morphs into a human) No.
Benoit: (morphs into a human) What should we do first to overcome the demonic Shaniqua?!
Jericho: (bites off the head of the Randy Grain Bar, letting a drop of cherry filling drip to the floor) Damn it. Well, I guess we can go find Shaniqua and beat the living crap out of her.
Benoit: Poor Rhyno. Who knows what she did to brainwash him... (weeps)
Jericho: Probably not much. He always had a simple mind. (turns to leave, but grabs another Hunter Grain Bar as he goes) Wow, these are pretty good. At least those idiots were good for something.
~*`*~*`*~
(scene changes to fiery pits and caves- basically Hell. Satan is sitting on a throne made of bones and flesh, laughing as he drinks red wine.)
Satan: Having fun, now? HAHAHA!!!
(He's laughing at Evolution, having a tea party with two scary looking Blood Lords. Ric is dressed as an overly sparkly princess. He pauses to adjust his tiara. Randy is dressed as a French Maid, and not liking it. Hunter is dressed as Halle Berry in a formal Red Carpet dress- very showy. He looks like he's about to puke. The two Blood Lords are dressed as Elvis.)
DA's: Priceless! (Cerrita takes a picture)
Hunter: (glaring upward) I hate life. (swears under his breath.)
Satan: (stoned) Well, that's good, 'cause you're not alive anymore!
Randy: Do you know Rob, by any chance?
Satan: Stonehenge? 'Course I do! He's my hookup!
(As if on cue, Rob enters, stoned, and dressed in army pants, tie-die shirt, and a tie with 'Pot' written all over. He also has an American Flag with peace signs instead of stars as a cape. His hair is also in dreadlocks, with a joint in behind his ear.)
Rob: (looks at Satan and the Blood Lords) Dudes! (smokes the joint and puts it back. Looks at Evolution) Dudettes!
Hunter: If I wasn't wearing a garter belt and pumps I'd walk over and kick your stoned ass into Purgatory.
Rob: Just came from there, they got the best crack 'round. (looks at Satan) Hey, bro, I got you a present. (Takes out a small, round, yellow object from his pocket) It's from Wall-Mart!
Satan: SWEET! What is it? (takes it) Cool, a happy face pin! (pins it to his forehead) Beware, I have the third eye! (
Blood Lord 1: (as Beavis) Dude, the third eye is so cool. (laughs)
Blood Lord 2: (as Butthead) Dude, I want one too. Reminds me of the hot fat chick I met at Starbucks. (laughs)
Hunter: Starbucks is in Hell?
Satan: Yeah, they're on a long-term lease.
Rob: (like Theodore Long) Ya better believe da Satty! (points at Satan)
Satan: (With the RVD thumb thing) Satan-Satan-Satan! Yeah!
Rob: Dude, you're doin' it wrong! It's R-V-D!!! (Blood Lords mimic him)
Satan: Satan-Satan-Satan!
Rob: R-V-D!!!
Hunter: AH!!! SHUT UP!!! (weeps pitifully into a pink embroidered handkerchief.)
Randy: (to Hunter) At least you're not wearing fishnets!
Satan: Wanna bet? (raises robes just enough to see fishnets.)
Rob & Blood Lords: ME TOO!!! (proceed to show them) Fishnets are da bomb, baby!
(Undertaker enters)
Taker: PUT OUT THOSE DAMN JOINTS, YA BUNCH OF WUSSIES!
Satan: I object, damn it!
(Undertaker jumps him and beats the crap out of him.)
Satan: AHH! I didn't mean to! I was only keeping daddy's throne warm!
Undertaker: Bull SHIT! (continues to beat him up)
Satan: Ok! OK! You're the best! You're the strongest, I'm the weakest! You're straight, I'm gay! You rock, I suck! You can have your throne back! And you're the bestest deliverer of pain ever!!! (weeps with pain and agony)
Blood Lords: Cool! We wanna get beat up, too! (Taker does so)
Hunter: Good, God.
Ric: Wait, you two are related?
Rob: Dude, I'm feeling left out. ME TOO! (Taker advances at him) Dude! Don't hurt my precious joint! (takes it out, talks to it ala Gollum) Precious, Precious! (takes a big draw, and puts it back)
Taker: Now I am once again ruler! (evil laugh, hand-rubbing thing. Sits gracelessly in throne, passes out snoring, drooling, and twitching.) Sara... Sara!
Hunter: Wow, I thought he was going to beat the crap out of me because I look like... thisssssssss.
Rob: I brought you a present too, Hunter! (ties a bonnet around his head, and sticks a pacifier in his mouth.)
Ric: Awwwwww, he looks so cute, my little Hunty Wunty bear! (pinches his cheek. Hunter growls)
Hunter: OWWW! (looks at his arm, and it's gone) MY ARM! IT'S GONE! What kind of Voodoo is this?
Rob: It's just something I thought of.
~*`*~*`*~
(Back to the Chrises. Jericho is watching Benoit skip down the hall ahead of him. Takes a long drink of his Canadian Beer. The Hunter Grain bar in his hand is missing an arm.)
Benoit: (stops suddenly, happiness) They're in there!
Jericho: Oh, Jesus, God. What have I gotten myself into? (opens door) For the Love of God!
God: Yes?
Jericho: Not, you, not now.
God: (looks in the room) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???
(We see Shaniqua and Rhyno, half dressed and making out. Both are drenched in blood)
Jericho: She's a Vampire!
Shaniqua: No, you subservient male! I'm Taker's twin sister!
Benoit: (mutters and weep) It's happening again!
(Jericho literally shoves Benoit into the room ahead of him, who stumbles. He curls into a ball in a corner of the room, in shock)
Jericho: Oh, great! The big, bad Wolverine is a pussy!
Rhyno: It's not his fault! He's just jealous, and mesmerized by her stunning beauty.
Jericho: Ah, no. I don't think so.
Rhyno: You are as well!
Shaniqua: Let's get out of here, Rhyno. All these men are inferior, except for you. (licks his cheek, smearing the blood)
Rhyno: (WAY beyond Rob happy)
Jericho: God...?
God: (stoned) What?
Jericho: A little help?
God: No, you were mean to me before!
Rhyno: But I can't leave Benoit here, he's my friend!
Shaniqua: Then what are we gonna do?
(Hurricane walks by, strudel still in hand, staring at it in shock, still.)
Jericho: Hurridork, come in here and help us out!
Hurricane: (Drops strudel) Of course, Citizen Jericho, I can do anything!
Jericho: (points to Benoit) Fix him.
Hurricane: Um, ok. (looks around for a moment, pinches a small part of the strudel off and sticks it in Benoit's mouth, force chewing him.) That should work.
Benoit: (suddenly snaps out of it.) Hey, that was pretty good. Did you make it?
Hurricane: Why no, Citizen Benoit I didn't- (realization sets in) Oh, yeah. (picks up strudel in a trances and walks off.)
Jericho: Hmm. Odd.
Benoit: What is our agenda?
Jericho: Um, kill Shaniqua?
Benoit: Oh, yeah! (morphs into wolverine) RRRROOOOAAAARRRRR! (grabs Shaniqua and tears her in half.)
Rhyno: NOOOO!!!! MY LOVE!!!! (weeps)
Jericho: Hey, that was pretty cool. (looks at Benoit, who looks back)
Both: Yeah! (high five each other) Super Chrises to the Rescue!
(Hurricane is walking down the hall again, staring at the strudel. Slowly, he reaching towards it and picks off a tiny bug.)
Hurricane: Yucky.
(Slowly he takes a deliberate nibble, chewing very slowly before swallowing and taking another bite. By the time he passes the GM's office, it's about half gone. Suddenly the door bursts open and Steve is grinning at him, from what we can see, he's wearing only a little apron.)
Steve: Hey, there, boy. You enjoy that strudel Eric 'n I made?
(Hurricane just stares)
Steve: Well, here, have another. We just made these. (holds up a cookie tray of them) Hell, take 'um all! And you can keep the pan. (shuts the door, but opens the it again.) Oh, yeah. Eric can't do his job tonight, because he's ill. (shuts the door again.)
(Rosey walks down the hall and see's Hurricane, now in possession of 12 and a half strudels.)
Rosey: (gasp) No, Hurricane, don't eat those! They might be poisoned! (runs up and dramatically knocks the pan from his grasp in slow-mo. Hurricane watches them in awe and horror as they fly through the air)
Hurricane: (Wistfully) It's... too... late... (begins to fall, but Rosey catches him.)
Rosey: NO! Hurricane, you can't die on me, you just can't!
~*`*~*`*~
(Back at Hell)
Taker: Damn it, Shaniqua! I told you never to come back to Hell!
Shaniqua: You can't do anything to me, I'm you twin sister!
Taker: But I CAN damn you to Heaven!
(Heaven)
(Shaniqua appears in a cloud of pink smoke)
Shaniqua: Oh, damn.
Rob: Dude! It's the Amazon! Welcome! (holds out a tray) Have some fudge! (hands her a joint instead)
Shaniqua: My Daddy told me to say no to drugs!
(she looks around. God, the DA's Cerrita and Phoenix, Rob, Three Angels, Kane, Ivory, Lucifer, Kurt, Hogan, Teddy Long, Shawn Michaels, Stephanie, Brock and his teddy Nancy Drew are all sitting around, a big cloud hovering over them- and it's not the Heavenly kind. They're all stoned, because of Rob. They're talking about Yellow Cowboy Hats.)
God: Yeah- it's a freakin' possum.
Stephanie: Yeah, and look at the color. It's just so... so...
Hogan: Cool.
Everyone: Yeah.
Kurt: But not as cool as Milk. (proceeds to pour milk into the hat)
Ivory: (takes the hat and puts it on) I'm a cowgirl, and Kane's my horsey! (gets on Kane's back, who stars galloping around)
(Linda enters)
Linda: What the-
Stephanie: (puts a joint in her mouth) Cool, huh?
Linda: (stoned) Cool...
Shawn: Yeah, cool.
Rob: (lights up a new joint) Hey, I bet I can smoke this whole joint in one breath!
Everyone: Smoke it! Smoke it!
(Draws on the whole thing, but burns his fingers on the end.)
Rob: Yeah, I smoked it!
Teddy: Dude, you smoked it! (everyone group hugs.)
Rob: Yeah, I smoked it, man.
Three Angels: Wow, this is the best day of our lives.
Lucifer: Who the Hell are you?
DA Phoenix: They're Snap, Crackle, and Pop! (laughs)
Lucifer: Whatever. (turns to Brocks teddy bear Nancy Drew.) Hey, sexy. (throws his arm around her shoulders. Since she's not alive, she just falls against him. Brock stares in horror) I love you, Nancy.
Brock: No! Nancy's my girlfriend! (pulls her back. Takes the yellow cowboy hat off Ivory's head and puts it on his own) I'm farmer Br- Farmer Crock!
Lucifer: Nancy is not yours, she's mine! (fur puffs out like a hedgehog and growls)
Brock: (like a hillbilly) I ain't skeered 'a you!
(Brock and Lucifer proceed to have a tug-of-war with Nancy's arms. A cloud of black smoke suddenly appears and Taker walks out of it and over to the group)
Taker: God Damn it! How come wherever I go, there's either an idiot or a stoner. Or both.
DA's: Shaddup! (Phoenix flips him off, Cerrita motions 'up yours') Bitch!
Taker: You wanna go?
DA Phoenix: Yeah, we wanna go! (pause) Wait, I can't go with you. You're my uncle.
Taker: What does that mean?
DA Phoenix: I don't want no incest.
Taker: You sick freak!
DA Phoenix: No, you are!
Kane: Don't call me a freak! (beings bawling)
Ivory: (serious tone) Yeah, don't call him a freak, slut! (dreamily) No freak can do what he can... (passes out on top of Kane, who passes out, still crying)
Taker: (pause, then shrugs his shoulder.) Ok! (turns to Brock and Lucifer) I gotta tell ya, I'm mighty curious to see how she feels about it. (points his fingers at Nancy, who is surrounded by dark sparkles for a moment before they vanish)
Nancy: (preppy, little girl voice) What? Where am I?
Brock: My Nancy's alive! (clings to Nancy and cries)
Lucifer: YOUR HURTING HER!!! (kicks Brock off of her, and proceeds to kiss Nancy)
Nancy: I love you... um...?
Lucifer: Uh, Lucifer.
Nancy: Right, Lucifer! (makes out with him)
Brock: NANCYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!
~*`*~*`*~
(Later on... no one is stoned)
DA Phoenix: God damn it, why'd you have to take pictures?
DA Cerrita: Well, I think you look cute!
DA Phoenix: No, I look like a freakin' retard!
God: (still stoned. puts an arm around each girl) Well, I think both you ladies look absolutely gorgeous!
DA Phoenix: Scary. Get him off. Cerrita, get him off me NOW!
(God suddenly clings to Cerrita)
DA Cerrita: Get off.
(God scurries away, holding what suspiciously looks like a sock in one hand.)
DA Phoenix: Bizarre. (they go silent for a while) Now what?
DA Cerrita: I dunno. Lets go see if Taker will let us throw darts at Evolution again.
DA Phoenix: Yeah! (they leave)
Lucifer: (wheels by, Nancy sitting on his lap) Come on, Nance, lets see what's going on next. (they leave, Brock crawling some distance behind them, wailing, foaming at the mouth with bloodshot eyes)
Brock: (yells) I'LL GET YOU BACK, NANCY!!! I STILL LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU (caugh, caugh) UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- (screen goes dark.)
.
To be continued!
God: (meditating, but suddenly opens his eyes) Wow, I'm bored, too.
DA's: No, shit.
God: (thinking) I know! How about we see what's going on with the Smackdown superstars?
DA Cerrita: (with very little enthusiasm) Whoopee.
DA Phoenix: Hey, I heard Jericho snuck over to Smackdown.
DA Cerrita: Like I said... (sigh)
DA Phoenix: But he's so cute! He's my Chrissey-poo-poo-poo!
DA Cerrita: Excuse me while I repress my gag reflex.
God: You've given me a wonderful idea!
DA Phoenix: We're shrinking Haas and Benjamin so they can spy on Chrissy- Poo and get killed too?
God: No, wrong Chris. I'm talking about the one that's actually interesting to watch.
DA Cerrita: Chris Jericho, the King of No Talent... I like that.
(We see Chris Jericho walking into the cafeteria drinking Canadian Beer, Cheeto Puffs, and Evolution Grain Bars{nutri-grain bars in the shape of Ric, Randy, or Hunter- with creamy filling!}, made famous by their tragic deaths. All of a sudden, Chris Benoit bursts into the room)
Benoit: AHHHH!!!! (runs over to Jericho and falls to his knees, clutching the blond Canadian's ankle and weeping) Help me!
Jericho: What are you doing? (intense concentration) I am the King of Bling Bling! For what pathetic reason do you want my help?
Benoit: (still weeping) MY FRIEND RHYNO IS SHAGGING THAT... that... Amazon. (wails)
Jericho: What Amazon?
Benoit: Shaniqua!
Jericho: (scared, confused, discussed look)
Benoit: (suddenly Rob-like happy) Will you join forces with me and bring an end to this sacrilege?
Jericho: (scared) What the Hell did you just say?
Benoit: Lets become one!
Jericho: Sorry, but I gotta go to... Bling Land, now...
Benoit: It'll be fun! We can become the... Super Chrises!!!
Jericho: Rob gave you some of his happy pills, didn't he?
Benoit: No, but I wish he had. (weeps again about Rhyno)
Jericho: (deep breath) Well, I feel sorry for you, you poor, helpless bastard. Alright, I'll help. But it's not because I want us to be friends- again- it's because I don't want to see another Chyna.
Benoit: YAY! (begins prancing and doing Rico type behavior)
Jericho: That has got to go.
Benoit: But I'm an 8-½ foot tall wolverine, when I want to be.
Jericho: (doesn't believe him, but pats Benoit gently on shoulder) Yeah, sure, I believe you. (sarcastically) And I can turn into the Walls of Jericho! (suddenly morphs into a brick wall with 'Jericho' written in graffiti.) I take that back... COOL!!!
Benoit: Cool! (morphs into an 8 ½ foot tall wolverine with nine inch claws and fangs. Given his newly acquired size, his clothing rips ala Incredible Hulk, leaving tattered jean shorts and shreds of cloth around his wrists form his shirt. He strikes a Stacy Keibler pose)
Jericho: (morphs into a human) No.
Benoit: (morphs into a human) What should we do first to overcome the demonic Shaniqua?!
Jericho: (bites off the head of the Randy Grain Bar, letting a drop of cherry filling drip to the floor) Damn it. Well, I guess we can go find Shaniqua and beat the living crap out of her.
Benoit: Poor Rhyno. Who knows what she did to brainwash him... (weeps)
Jericho: Probably not much. He always had a simple mind. (turns to leave, but grabs another Hunter Grain Bar as he goes) Wow, these are pretty good. At least those idiots were good for something.
~*`*~*`*~
(scene changes to fiery pits and caves- basically Hell. Satan is sitting on a throne made of bones and flesh, laughing as he drinks red wine.)
Satan: Having fun, now? HAHAHA!!!
(He's laughing at Evolution, having a tea party with two scary looking Blood Lords. Ric is dressed as an overly sparkly princess. He pauses to adjust his tiara. Randy is dressed as a French Maid, and not liking it. Hunter is dressed as Halle Berry in a formal Red Carpet dress- very showy. He looks like he's about to puke. The two Blood Lords are dressed as Elvis.)
DA's: Priceless! (Cerrita takes a picture)
Hunter: (glaring upward) I hate life. (swears under his breath.)
Satan: (stoned) Well, that's good, 'cause you're not alive anymore!
Randy: Do you know Rob, by any chance?
Satan: Stonehenge? 'Course I do! He's my hookup!
(As if on cue, Rob enters, stoned, and dressed in army pants, tie-die shirt, and a tie with 'Pot' written all over. He also has an American Flag with peace signs instead of stars as a cape. His hair is also in dreadlocks, with a joint in behind his ear.)
Rob: (looks at Satan and the Blood Lords) Dudes! (smokes the joint and puts it back. Looks at Evolution) Dudettes!
Hunter: If I wasn't wearing a garter belt and pumps I'd walk over and kick your stoned ass into Purgatory.
Rob: Just came from there, they got the best crack 'round. (looks at Satan) Hey, bro, I got you a present. (Takes out a small, round, yellow object from his pocket) It's from Wall-Mart!
Satan: SWEET! What is it? (takes it) Cool, a happy face pin! (pins it to his forehead) Beware, I have the third eye! (
Blood Lord 1: (as Beavis) Dude, the third eye is so cool. (laughs)
Blood Lord 2: (as Butthead) Dude, I want one too. Reminds me of the hot fat chick I met at Starbucks. (laughs)
Hunter: Starbucks is in Hell?
Satan: Yeah, they're on a long-term lease.
Rob: (like Theodore Long) Ya better believe da Satty! (points at Satan)
Satan: (With the RVD thumb thing) Satan-Satan-Satan! Yeah!
Rob: Dude, you're doin' it wrong! It's R-V-D!!! (Blood Lords mimic him)
Satan: Satan-Satan-Satan!
Rob: R-V-D!!!
Hunter: AH!!! SHUT UP!!! (weeps pitifully into a pink embroidered handkerchief.)
Randy: (to Hunter) At least you're not wearing fishnets!
Satan: Wanna bet? (raises robes just enough to see fishnets.)
Rob & Blood Lords: ME TOO!!! (proceed to show them) Fishnets are da bomb, baby!
(Undertaker enters)
Taker: PUT OUT THOSE DAMN JOINTS, YA BUNCH OF WUSSIES!
Satan: I object, damn it!
(Undertaker jumps him and beats the crap out of him.)
Satan: AHH! I didn't mean to! I was only keeping daddy's throne warm!
Undertaker: Bull SHIT! (continues to beat him up)
Satan: Ok! OK! You're the best! You're the strongest, I'm the weakest! You're straight, I'm gay! You rock, I suck! You can have your throne back! And you're the bestest deliverer of pain ever!!! (weeps with pain and agony)
Blood Lords: Cool! We wanna get beat up, too! (Taker does so)
Hunter: Good, God.
Ric: Wait, you two are related?
Rob: Dude, I'm feeling left out. ME TOO! (Taker advances at him) Dude! Don't hurt my precious joint! (takes it out, talks to it ala Gollum) Precious, Precious! (takes a big draw, and puts it back)
Taker: Now I am once again ruler! (evil laugh, hand-rubbing thing. Sits gracelessly in throne, passes out snoring, drooling, and twitching.) Sara... Sara!
Hunter: Wow, I thought he was going to beat the crap out of me because I look like... thisssssssss.
Rob: I brought you a present too, Hunter! (ties a bonnet around his head, and sticks a pacifier in his mouth.)
Ric: Awwwwww, he looks so cute, my little Hunty Wunty bear! (pinches his cheek. Hunter growls)
Hunter: OWWW! (looks at his arm, and it's gone) MY ARM! IT'S GONE! What kind of Voodoo is this?
Rob: It's just something I thought of.
~*`*~*`*~
(Back to the Chrises. Jericho is watching Benoit skip down the hall ahead of him. Takes a long drink of his Canadian Beer. The Hunter Grain bar in his hand is missing an arm.)
Benoit: (stops suddenly, happiness) They're in there!
Jericho: Oh, Jesus, God. What have I gotten myself into? (opens door) For the Love of God!
God: Yes?
Jericho: Not, you, not now.
God: (looks in the room) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???
(We see Shaniqua and Rhyno, half dressed and making out. Both are drenched in blood)
Jericho: She's a Vampire!
Shaniqua: No, you subservient male! I'm Taker's twin sister!
Benoit: (mutters and weep) It's happening again!
(Jericho literally shoves Benoit into the room ahead of him, who stumbles. He curls into a ball in a corner of the room, in shock)
Jericho: Oh, great! The big, bad Wolverine is a pussy!
Rhyno: It's not his fault! He's just jealous, and mesmerized by her stunning beauty.
Jericho: Ah, no. I don't think so.
Rhyno: You are as well!
Shaniqua: Let's get out of here, Rhyno. All these men are inferior, except for you. (licks his cheek, smearing the blood)
Rhyno: (WAY beyond Rob happy)
Jericho: God...?
God: (stoned) What?
Jericho: A little help?
God: No, you were mean to me before!
Rhyno: But I can't leave Benoit here, he's my friend!
Shaniqua: Then what are we gonna do?
(Hurricane walks by, strudel still in hand, staring at it in shock, still.)
Jericho: Hurridork, come in here and help us out!
Hurricane: (Drops strudel) Of course, Citizen Jericho, I can do anything!
Jericho: (points to Benoit) Fix him.
Hurricane: Um, ok. (looks around for a moment, pinches a small part of the strudel off and sticks it in Benoit's mouth, force chewing him.) That should work.
Benoit: (suddenly snaps out of it.) Hey, that was pretty good. Did you make it?
Hurricane: Why no, Citizen Benoit I didn't- (realization sets in) Oh, yeah. (picks up strudel in a trances and walks off.)
Jericho: Hmm. Odd.
Benoit: What is our agenda?
Jericho: Um, kill Shaniqua?
Benoit: Oh, yeah! (morphs into wolverine) RRRROOOOAAAARRRRR! (grabs Shaniqua and tears her in half.)
Rhyno: NOOOO!!!! MY LOVE!!!! (weeps)
Jericho: Hey, that was pretty cool. (looks at Benoit, who looks back)
Both: Yeah! (high five each other) Super Chrises to the Rescue!
(Hurricane is walking down the hall again, staring at the strudel. Slowly, he reaching towards it and picks off a tiny bug.)
Hurricane: Yucky.
(Slowly he takes a deliberate nibble, chewing very slowly before swallowing and taking another bite. By the time he passes the GM's office, it's about half gone. Suddenly the door bursts open and Steve is grinning at him, from what we can see, he's wearing only a little apron.)
Steve: Hey, there, boy. You enjoy that strudel Eric 'n I made?
(Hurricane just stares)
Steve: Well, here, have another. We just made these. (holds up a cookie tray of them) Hell, take 'um all! And you can keep the pan. (shuts the door, but opens the it again.) Oh, yeah. Eric can't do his job tonight, because he's ill. (shuts the door again.)
(Rosey walks down the hall and see's Hurricane, now in possession of 12 and a half strudels.)
Rosey: (gasp) No, Hurricane, don't eat those! They might be poisoned! (runs up and dramatically knocks the pan from his grasp in slow-mo. Hurricane watches them in awe and horror as they fly through the air)
Hurricane: (Wistfully) It's... too... late... (begins to fall, but Rosey catches him.)
Rosey: NO! Hurricane, you can't die on me, you just can't!
~*`*~*`*~
(Back at Hell)
Taker: Damn it, Shaniqua! I told you never to come back to Hell!
Shaniqua: You can't do anything to me, I'm you twin sister!
Taker: But I CAN damn you to Heaven!
(Heaven)
(Shaniqua appears in a cloud of pink smoke)
Shaniqua: Oh, damn.
Rob: Dude! It's the Amazon! Welcome! (holds out a tray) Have some fudge! (hands her a joint instead)
Shaniqua: My Daddy told me to say no to drugs!
(she looks around. God, the DA's Cerrita and Phoenix, Rob, Three Angels, Kane, Ivory, Lucifer, Kurt, Hogan, Teddy Long, Shawn Michaels, Stephanie, Brock and his teddy Nancy Drew are all sitting around, a big cloud hovering over them- and it's not the Heavenly kind. They're all stoned, because of Rob. They're talking about Yellow Cowboy Hats.)
God: Yeah- it's a freakin' possum.
Stephanie: Yeah, and look at the color. It's just so... so...
Hogan: Cool.
Everyone: Yeah.
Kurt: But not as cool as Milk. (proceeds to pour milk into the hat)
Ivory: (takes the hat and puts it on) I'm a cowgirl, and Kane's my horsey! (gets on Kane's back, who stars galloping around)
(Linda enters)
Linda: What the-
Stephanie: (puts a joint in her mouth) Cool, huh?
Linda: (stoned) Cool...
Shawn: Yeah, cool.
Rob: (lights up a new joint) Hey, I bet I can smoke this whole joint in one breath!
Everyone: Smoke it! Smoke it!
(Draws on the whole thing, but burns his fingers on the end.)
Rob: Yeah, I smoked it!
Teddy: Dude, you smoked it! (everyone group hugs.)
Rob: Yeah, I smoked it, man.
Three Angels: Wow, this is the best day of our lives.
Lucifer: Who the Hell are you?
DA Phoenix: They're Snap, Crackle, and Pop! (laughs)
Lucifer: Whatever. (turns to Brocks teddy bear Nancy Drew.) Hey, sexy. (throws his arm around her shoulders. Since she's not alive, she just falls against him. Brock stares in horror) I love you, Nancy.
Brock: No! Nancy's my girlfriend! (pulls her back. Takes the yellow cowboy hat off Ivory's head and puts it on his own) I'm farmer Br- Farmer Crock!
Lucifer: Nancy is not yours, she's mine! (fur puffs out like a hedgehog and growls)
Brock: (like a hillbilly) I ain't skeered 'a you!
(Brock and Lucifer proceed to have a tug-of-war with Nancy's arms. A cloud of black smoke suddenly appears and Taker walks out of it and over to the group)
Taker: God Damn it! How come wherever I go, there's either an idiot or a stoner. Or both.
DA's: Shaddup! (Phoenix flips him off, Cerrita motions 'up yours') Bitch!
Taker: You wanna go?
DA Phoenix: Yeah, we wanna go! (pause) Wait, I can't go with you. You're my uncle.
Taker: What does that mean?
DA Phoenix: I don't want no incest.
Taker: You sick freak!
DA Phoenix: No, you are!
Kane: Don't call me a freak! (beings bawling)
Ivory: (serious tone) Yeah, don't call him a freak, slut! (dreamily) No freak can do what he can... (passes out on top of Kane, who passes out, still crying)
Taker: (pause, then shrugs his shoulder.) Ok! (turns to Brock and Lucifer) I gotta tell ya, I'm mighty curious to see how she feels about it. (points his fingers at Nancy, who is surrounded by dark sparkles for a moment before they vanish)
Nancy: (preppy, little girl voice) What? Where am I?
Brock: My Nancy's alive! (clings to Nancy and cries)
Lucifer: YOUR HURTING HER!!! (kicks Brock off of her, and proceeds to kiss Nancy)
Nancy: I love you... um...?
Lucifer: Uh, Lucifer.
Nancy: Right, Lucifer! (makes out with him)
Brock: NANCYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!
~*`*~*`*~
(Later on... no one is stoned)
DA Phoenix: God damn it, why'd you have to take pictures?
DA Cerrita: Well, I think you look cute!
DA Phoenix: No, I look like a freakin' retard!
God: (still stoned. puts an arm around each girl) Well, I think both you ladies look absolutely gorgeous!
DA Phoenix: Scary. Get him off. Cerrita, get him off me NOW!
(God suddenly clings to Cerrita)
DA Cerrita: Get off.
(God scurries away, holding what suspiciously looks like a sock in one hand.)
DA Phoenix: Bizarre. (they go silent for a while) Now what?
DA Cerrita: I dunno. Lets go see if Taker will let us throw darts at Evolution again.
DA Phoenix: Yeah! (they leave)
Lucifer: (wheels by, Nancy sitting on his lap) Come on, Nance, lets see what's going on next. (they leave, Brock crawling some distance behind them, wailing, foaming at the mouth with bloodshot eyes)
Brock: (yells) I'LL GET YOU BACK, NANCY!!! I STILL LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU (caugh, caugh) UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- (screen goes dark.)
.
To be continued!