... It's True! It's True!...? ... No. Just no.
(When we left off, Evolution had just escaped the fiery bowels of Hell and reached the surface. Or had they?)
Ric: See? It's Flairy Land! We're never getting back to the real world again!
Hunter: Flair, you're never in the real world.
Randy: What's Flairy Land?
Ric: It's a magical place where the Flairy Fairies live.
(long pause)
Hunter: All those chair shots really left they're mark, didn't they?
Lita: What's he talking about?
Ric: My Lady! Forgive them! They don't recognize the God and Goddess of Flairy Land when they're standing before us! (beings bowing to Lita and Jeff)
Randy: (gasp) Spare me Goddess! (bowing)
Jeff: Yup, only slightly more demented than usual.
~*~*~*~*~*~
(Heaven. Luke is being fawned over by the Mollys, and the DA's are lounging nearby.)
DA Phoenix: God Damn it! It's boring here!
God: Don't take my name in vain!
DA Cerrita: Let's go visit Hell.
DA Phoenix: No, it's boring down there too now that Evolution is gone. (weeps)
Booker T: (arrives in a poof of smoke. There are two women with him.) Can you dig it, Sucka! Look at these two fine ladies I got with me! (we see that the two 'ladies' are actually Brittany Spears and Christina Aguilera!)
DA Phoenix: What the frig? Why are those two here?
Rob: (stoned) I like blue unicorns.
Luke: (sees Brittany) Fear! (hides behind the Mollys, cowering)
Christina: (perky) Hi! You're cute!
Luke: AHH!! Get away! (Mollys stand in protective stance)
Brittany: Your, like so right, Christina! Let's, like, hit on him, like, big time.
Luke: If either of you get any closer, I'll summon the Super Ultimate Curse (lots of gasping from everyone nearby)
DA Cerrita: Um, can't.
Luke: Why not?
DA Phoenix: We already used it on Rocky, and it needs time to charge. (Luke looks confused) It's a big curse.
Luke: Damn! (Brittany and Christina strutting over) If I can't impose the Super Ultimate Curse (gasps from everyone) Then I'll put you in a match- against, um, Ivory and Trish! Yeah, a tag team first death match! First team to have a member die looses.
Christina: This will be so easy!
Brittany: Yeah, the other girls will be, like, so distracted by their, like, jealously!
Christina: Totally!
Booker: (staring at Brittany and drooling) Now, can you dig that, Sucka!!!
(Christian enters with a poof of smoke. Eric races out after him and dives at his leg, effectively clinging to it. He's still holding the clump of Sean's hair in his hand.)
Christian: This, like, so totally reeks of uncoolness! (points to leg. Eric blows raspberries at him, then giggles)
God: So, what about?
Christian: How am I supposed to show off my reeking of coolness with this... this... reekazoid on my incredibly hot leg?
DA Cerrita: Well, what does Eric have to say on the matter? (looks at Eric)
Eric: Mommy! (Cerrita jumps back in fear)
DA Cerrita: You'd better not mean me!
Eric: Mommy! (points up at Christian) Mommy! Mommy!
DA Phoenix: Awww, Christian had a baby.
Christian: What? No, that's so totally uncool! (sees Brittany, completely forgets what he was arguing about) Wow, you are so, like, reeking of hotness!
Booker: Oh, no you don't, dawg! Tell me he did not just say that!
Brittany: Wow, you so totally reek of manliness!
DA Phoenix: I think he did.
Luke: ALL OF YOU LEAVE!!! Booker, take that Devil incarnate and go. She and Aguilera have a match. Christian, take you 'son' and get out of my sights before I catch you on fire!
(Lucifer wheels by at top speeds, being nothing more than a blur. We can kind of see a figure with him wearing a white dress and wings. Brock crawls by moments later, foaming at the mouth and dirty. About three weeks dirty. Everyone covers their noses and backs away.)
Brock: Nancy! I'll save you! I won't let that evil teddy kidnap you! (sees Luke and begins crawling towards him. Luke picks up a stick and starts jabbing it towards Brock to keep him away.)
Luke: No. Just no.
~*~*~*~*~*~
(Raw arena. Brittany and Christina are at their corner, playing with their hair and being ditsy. Christian is with them, acting pretty much the same. Booker is also there, fawning over Brittany. The Christs are sitting in the front row with Steiner Stalin.)
Edge: I'm so glad he's not my brother any more.
(Ivory and Trish enter the ring, and the match begins. Ivory and Brittany start off. Brittany strikes a pose to intimidate Ivory, who doesn't buy it and kicks her in the gut and delivers a DDT. Brittany crawls around in a daze while Ivory tags in Trish. She grabs the singer and choke slams her, then delivers a modified Angle slam followed by a spear. Trish wraps her arms around Brittany's waist and lifts her for a Suplex over the top rope, but looses her balance and falls, dropping the blond singer.
(The audience erupts in sound, half being screaming and the other half cheering, ends up being mostly cheering. Trish turns around and sees what happened. Brittany was suplexed onto Spikes rubber duckie American Flag. Christian and Booker are holding each other and crying.)
Trish: Um, oops?
(Chyna's music plays and she walks down to the ring with the general attitude of a bitch. She seems to look a lot like Cher.)
Chyna: (yelling) CHRISTINA!!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!! I WILL SACRIFICE YOU TO MY DARK GOD!!!
(Christina looks at Chyna in fear, then jumps into Booker's arms, who drops her)
Booker: You ain't Brittany, dawg! (weeps)
Christs & Steiner Stalin: CHYNA! CHYNA! CHYNA!
(Jazz's music plays and she enters.)
Jazz: Get out of my ring! You ain't near the woman I am!
Chyna: Well, duh! I got a sex change operation!
(cricket chirps)
Christian: But you, like, look totally like Cher.
Chyna: Well, it BACKFIRED!!! (Christian cowers in fear. Eric is drooling on his tights.
Jazz: I'm top woman on this show, and if anyone is going to sacrifice that girly-girl, it's gonna be me!
(large crevasse opens up at the base of the ramp. Hot lava bubbles just below the surface.)
Chyna: Damn it, no! I'm making my return debut with his sacrifice!
(both 'women' grab hold of Christina, pulling on her arms forcefully. In the process they lift her up and pretty much double choke slam her into the crevasse, which quietly closes like it wasn't ever there. Chyna and Jazz stare in silence.)
Chyna: Um, cool.
Jazz: Yeah. (turns to Chyna) Sex change operation, huh?
Chyna: (still staring where crevasse was) Yeah.
Jazz: Seeing anyone?
Chyna: Nope.
Jazz: Do ya think that maybe...
Chyna: (turns to Jazz) Sure!
(Camera shot changes to Christ family. Edge is staring in shock. Spanky has passed out. Stacy is covering her eyes. Steiner Stalin looks scared.)
Edge: Now, that's not right.
~*~*~*~*~*~
(Hell, Christina is singing one of her mindless songs, and Taker is cowering behind his chair. The Blood Lords are singing backup.)
Taker: I can't take this anymore!
(Lucifer enters, Nancy on his lap)
Lucifer: She's HERE too? I'm being followed by morons all day! First Brock, then-
Nancy: She has a terrible voice, too.
Lucifer: This ends! (points his only hand at Christina, making her hair catch on fire. She starts running around and screaming) Much better!
Christina: NO!!!!!! I paid $10,000 for this hair!
Nancy: Then, you paid WAY too much.
(Christina runs in circles, coincidentally running through the exit just as Molly enters.)
Voice: NANCY!!!
Lucifer: Aww, crap! I thought we lost him!
Nancy: Guess not. Step on it! (the two teddies race off in the wheelchair just as Brock crawls by, still foaming at the mouth and still stinky.)
Molly: (whiny) Why can't I have a normal life with a normal family???
~*~*~*~*~*~
(Kurt is walking down the hall, carrying several jugs of milk, several more than he can actually carry, explaining why he's walking so slow.)
(Suddenly, a poof of smoke fills the hall and Christina comes running in, her hair still ablaze. Kurt stares in shock)
Kurt: What do I do?
(two miniature Kurts appear on his shoulders, an angel and devil)
Angel Kurt: Quick! Pour a jug of milk over the flames!
Devil Kurt: No!!! (Angel Kurt jerks head towards him) It's milk!
Angel Kurt: But she could die!
Kurt: Yeah!
Devil Kurt: But... but... it's milk! (waves arms excitedly)
Kurt: (thinks it over) ... yeah!
Angel Kurt: Your just going to let her die because you don't want to waste any precious milk!
Devil Kurt: Well, if I'm not mistaken, it's milk that keeps your wings and halo strong and shiny!
Angel Kurt: I'm willing to risk that to save- (turns to face Christina) Who is that, anyway? (scratches neck with halo)
Devil Kurt: I think it's Christina Aguilera.
Angel Kurt: (pause) LET HER FRY!!!
Kurt: NO! I'LL SAVE YOU!!! (drops the milk jugs and pulls the top off one as the Devil and Angel Kurts disappear. He rushes over and douses Christina's head with milk.)
Christina: AHHH!!! MY DESIGNER CLOTHES!!! (begins wringing out her blouse)
Kurt: Are you all right?
Christina: Does it, like, look like I'm all right? My clothes are ruined, and my hair is (feels head, it's completely bald) GONE!!! OH, MY GOD!!! (begins weeping) Now no hot guys will think I'm hot!
Kurt: Well, I don't know, I think bald is kinda cute.
Christina: (stops crying) Really? (Kurt nods) Wow, like, thanks!
Kurt: Don't worry, I'll get those clothes cleaned.
Christina: Don't worry about it. You, like, saved my life! You're a hero! (plants a lip locker right on Kurt.)
~*~*~*~*~*~
(Nowinski is strutting down the hall, oblivious to the events in the ring. He walks by the Super Chrises, both of whom are munching on Steve O's Soup.)
Nowinski: Hey, guys. What happening?
Jericho: Oh, look- Mr. Harvard. (slurp)
Benoit: Probably flunked out of high school. (slurp)
Nowinski: (didn't hear them) I heard you two have a new stable, sounds neat. What's it called, The Super Chrises?
Benoit: Yup. (slurp, munch)
Jericho: Something like that. (slurp)
Benoit: What about it? (slurrrrrrrrrrrrrp)
Nowinski: Well, I was thinking about joining up with the two of you. Ya know, to get my push going again. And since my name is also Chris, and all. (geeky smile. The Super Chrises keep eating quietly) What do you say?
Jericho: ... no. (munch, slurp, crunch)
Nowinski: Aw, please?
Benoit: He already said no. (munch) Don't piss me off. (slurp)
Nowinski: Is that a threat?
Jericho: You haven't seen him get pissed. (slurp, munch) At least, not recently. (gulp, slurp)
Nowinski: I'm not afraid of either one of you! I could take the both of you on right now. Go ahead, Benny, give me your best shot! (taunts Benoit, who doesn't even look up, but morphs into a wolverine in mid slurp)
Jericho: Go ahead, (slurp) snarl.
(Benoit bares his three fangs {the fourth is his missing tooth, remember?} and growls slowly at Nowinski.)
Nowinski: Holy crap! (begins trembling, backing away slowly.) You don't have rabies or anything, do you?
(Benoit looks like he's just about to bite Mr. Harvard in two when Cerrita enters. His ears immediately go forward and he begins purring)
DA Cerrita: Awww, how adorable! (scratches Benoit behind the ear. He rubs his head against her shoulder, long reach for an 8' wolverine, since Cerrita's only 5'6.)
Nowinski: You're an author, right? (Cerrita nods) Then you can write me into their stable!
DA Cerrita: No.
Nowinski: This isn't fair! I'm a Harvard graduate! I deserve better! (begins throwing a tantrum)
Jericho: How 'bout you earn it? (slurp)
DA Cerrita: Yeah, in your return debut. A Steele Chair Match- (Nowinski looks confident) against Kane- (he pales) tonight. (he looks terrified.)
Nowinski: But-
DA Cerrita: Don't talk to me anymore.
Nowinski: But- (Benoit growls menacingly) Right. Well, I should get ready for my match, then. (leaves quickly)
DA Cerrita: Awww, thank you! (kisses Benoit's cheek. He resumes purring.)
~*~*~*~*~*~
(unmarked locker room # 1)
Jackie: But, Rico, why???
Rico: Because it is my destiny! It is a calling!
Jackie: But I've been trying so hard to make you straight, and your ruining it!
Rico: Please, not another word. I leave you this bottle of sparkly glitter as a parting gift. Farewell! (Rico exits the locker room, dressed WAY too flashy, carrying a girly suitcase.)
Jackie: But Rico, I love you!
Rico: Girlfriend, talk to the hand! (holds hand up over his shoulder for her to see as he walks off, swaying his hips.)
(Unmarked locker room #2)
Val Venis: (in his entrance music voice) Goodbye, ladies!
Female voices: (various protests)
Val: Not another word. This big piece of man candy must leave before emotions get out of control. (exits with a duffel bag, wearing only two towels, one around his waist the other around his head. Several females follow him to the door, crying uncontrollably)
Random female: Val, we love you!
(hallway)
Goldust: Lance, I want you to have these handcuffs and feather boas. And take these jars of gold and black paint. And always remember the name of (inhale) Goldust.
Lance: Um, all right. Where are you going, anyway?
Goldust: It doesn't matter, only that you would not belong. See ya around, my wild and crazy brother. (exits locker room with gold luggage. Lance follows him in confusion to the doorway.) Oh, and take care of the Mini Dusts for me! (two tiny gold figures race out and cling to Goldy's leg)
Mini Dust: Don't go, Goldy!
Mrs. Dust: Yeah! You're our favorite!
Goldust: I must leave you. (they look sad.) Don't worry, Lance will replace me.
Lance: What???
Dusts: Yay!!! (cling to Lance's legs) WE LOVE YOU, LANCE!!!
Lance: Oh, great! Just wonderful! (sighs)
(unmarked locker room #3)
Ho #3: But Godfather, what will happen without you?
Ho #8: Yeah, why are you leaving?
Godfather: Ho's, I'm sad to say that today is the day that the Godfather (like his entrance) Gets off the HOOOOOO train!
Ho #14: We'll miss you, Godfather!
Ho #5: Yeah, write soon!
Godfather: Don't worry ladies, I'll keep in touch. You're still my bitches, even if my tastes have changed.
Ho #10: But who's going to be the new pimp?
Ho #1: Yeah, you haven't appointed anyone yet.
Godfather: (nervously) Your right, I haven't told you yet who it is, have I? (leads the Ho's into the hall. He looks around almost frantically.) He should be here any minute...
(Coach and Snow walk by, laughing loudly at some stupid joke. Godfather stops them.)
Godfather: (overly relieved.) Glad you got here, I was just starting to get worried.
(Coach and Snow look confused, as do the Ho's)
Godfather: Ho's meet your new pimp. (motions to the two commentators)
Ho #12: Um, which one?
Godfather: Oh, sorry. (motions to Coach)
Ho's: COACH??? (several Ho's faint)
Coach: WHAT???
Godfather: Of course!
Coach: I don't know about this-
Godfather: (grabs Coach and pulls him aside) Just watch them, ok? It's a real easy job, like running a business. And they're all pretty ditzy, so it's like herding sheep. But watch out for Ho number one, she's actually got brains.
Coach: Um, which is number one?
Godfather: That one. (points to a bright redhead)
Coach: So, I'm the new godfather? (looks around nervously) Am I on candid camera?
Godfather: Yup, good luck. See ya, ladies. (waves to the Ho's as he walks off, suitcase in hand.)
Snow: Damn, you just inherited the Godfather's Ho's!
Coach: (in a daze as the Ho's begin feeling him up as they adapt to the new pimp) Yeah, I did, didn't I?
Ho #!: Well, what now?
Coach: How many ho's are there?
Ho #1: Godfather never kept more than 20 with him at any one time, but he had a total upwards of 300. (Snow chokes on the soda he was drinking.) And you've inherited all of them. So, like I said, what now?
(Rock walks by, looking upset at loosing his strudels. He sees Coach being literally fondled by about 20 ho's and stops in his tracks.)
Rock: (whispering) What in the blue hell... ? (walks up to Coach.) So Coach, making a pretty pricey investment, aren't you? You know, the Rock never needs to buy himself female company, they naturally flock towards the Rock-
Coach: Actually, I'm their pimp.
Rock: (stops his usual sexual innuendos) Oh. Starting a new business venture, then?
Ho #1: No, we're formerly the Godfather's ho's, but he's left.
Rock: (stunned) You're the NEW Godfather?
Coach: Yup. Wanna rent one?
Rock: (several silent beats before side splitting laughter.) This is the funniest thing the Rock has heard in a long time! Coach, COACH! Boring, sad, pathetic, pitiful Coach is the new pimp for the Ho Train? (several ho's pause to nod before resuming their explorations) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, my! That's great! That lifted the Rock's spirits! There's hope for the pointless after all! (walks off, still laughing)
Coach: I really hate him.
Snow: Um, hate to interrupt your moment of loathing, but you'd better take a look at your clothing situation.
Coach: Huh, what? (looks down and realizes he's in just his socks, and ho's 7 and 19 were working them off.) HEY!!! (grabs his shirt and covers himself.) Not in the hallway!
Ho #1: Allright! Everybody back in the locker room! (the ho's file in. number 1 links arms with Coach as they walk in.) So, what's your first order of business as pimp?
Coach: (evil smile) I know. Now, listen closely...
~*~*~*~*~*~
(scene is the ring. The fans are cheering the next match- Nowinski vs Kane in a Steele Chair Match! BannonLuke is sitting front row, the twelve Mollys pampering him. Number 10 might as well be giving him a lap dance.)
Lilian: The following is a Steele Chair Match, where the first person to beat their so they can't get up before a 10 count is declared winner. Already in the ring, Kane! And entering the ring, Chris Nowinski!
(Lilian quickly exits the ring, leaving Earl Hebner, who fortunately DIDN'T die because of O'Haire {YAY!!!} alone in the ring with the wrestlers. The bell dings to begin.)
Nowinski: (waving chair around pointlessly) I'm not afraid of you!
Kane: (just watches him a few moments before taking his own chair and bashing the Harvard graduate once across the skull.) I win.
(Nowinski didn't have a chance. And with that, Kane wins by 10 count. Earl vary nervously holds Kane's hand up.)
Kane: (picks up Earl suddenly by the scruff of his neck) Are you a praying man? (notices Earl is in the middle of prayer.) Good. (puts him down and motions for a mic from ringside. Talks with the whispery voice) Now, with such an easy victory, it makes sense that I should celebrate any way I want. (pause to look at the crowd, most of whom are cheering.) Normally, I would light something on fire, but this time I'm going to so something a little different. (cute voice) Ivory, come down here so you can marry me now!
(Crowd 'awwwwww's loudly as Ivory's music hits and she steps out to the top ramp in a flowing white wedding dress. Kane begins conducting the show.)
Kane: Lilian, you hold on to these rings. (hands them to a nervous Lilian.) Ref, take this little bible Eddie got me and stand right here! (picks up a cowering Earl and places him against the far ropes, the little bible clutched in his hands.) And JR, you're gonna walk her down the isle.
JR: Why do I have to do it?
Kane: 'Cause I said so! (JR rolls his eyes and leaves the commentators booth to stand by Ivory.) And I need some flower girls to stand on the ramp. (Coach's music hits and he leads the ho's out- a couple are missing, and he's fortunately dressed again.) King, you've been married a lot before, is that everything?
King: (looks slightly annoyed by that comment) Yeah, you got everything, except a best man and brides maids.
Kane: Then I need them, now! (Undertaker, RVD, Molly, Trish, Christian w/ Eric, and Linda all enter and stand kinda near Earl.) Ok, now we can start.
('Here comes the Bride' plays and JR walks Ivory down the ramp, up the stairs onto the apron, and into the ring, handing her off to Kane.)
Earl: (opens little bible) We're gathered here- how can anyone read this print? Jesus!
Edge: (appearing from nowhere) You rang?
(Earl rolls his eyes and tries once again to read the print, when suddenly Terri's music plays and she stomps out to the stage, also wearing a wedding dress. She looks furious)
Terri: No, this can not happen! Kane loves ME! YOU KISSED ME FIRST!!!
Kane: That was a long time ago, it doesn't mean anything!
Terri: Well, it means a lot to me! And I'm gonna prove my love for you by beating that piece of trash through the mat! (charges into the ring and perfectly spears Ivory. Earl gets accidentally hit and is knocked out of the ring.)
(Kane starts freaking out, not sure what to do. Everyone else in the ring is just trying to avoid being hit by the two flailing women. Suddenly, a huge circle of fire erupts on the ground around the ring, getting everybody's attention. They all look at Kane, who shrugs in confusion.)
Linda: All right, who did that?
(JR timidly raises his hand)
Kane: What? How? Only I can do things with fire like that!
JR: (stands face to face with Kane.) Kane, when you set me on fire, it released a power I thought I'd lost long ago. The power to control fire, just like you.
Kane: Wait a minute...?
Taker: It's time you learn the truth, boy.
Kane: Huh, what truth?
Molly: You're adopted. You aren't actually our brother.
RVD: (stoned) Cool, huh?
JR: They're right.
Kane: Now I'm confused! (sits in the middle of the ring like he does when he's just sat up) What's going on?
JR: Kane, I'm your father.
(odd silence.)
King: .No.
Taker: Yes.
Kane: No.
JR: Yeah.
Kane: No way. Not possible!
JR: Son, I'm afraid it is. Now get up and give your old man a hug!
(Kane stands up to tearfully hug JR, and the crowd aww's.)
Linda: Come on Kane, lets get you married.
Taker: (slightly teary eyed.) My kid bro's finally settlin' down. (sniffle)
(Test enters and quickly snatches up the tiny bible from Earl)
Test: SIN!!! Sin! Sin! Sin! (points to various people before quickly exiting)
Kane: Hmm, so that's where Eddie got that bible. Now what do we do?
Molly: Better question- who are you marrying? (Terri and Ivory are still battling it out. Neither looks quite up to bride appearance any more.)
(Lucifer, with Nancy on his lap, wheels out to the commentators table. He lets King pick up the tiny wheelchair and place it on the table. Nancy scoops up JR's headphones and the two share it.)
Lucifer: Why don't you just marry both of them? Nobody will mind!
King: (glancing at Lucifer) What would you know about marriage? You're a teddy bear!
Nancy: Well, it just so happens that we're only stopping here for a quick visit before our honeymoon.
Kane: That means-
Nancy: Yep! Me and Lucifer are married!
~*~*~*~*~*~
(somewhere in the world with TV access, a lone voice screams)
Brock: (very shrill, strained) NANCYYYYY, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~*~*~*~*~*~
King: Hey, Lucifer, I just gotta ask. (Teddy turns to him slowly) What do teddy puppies feel like? (Lucifer's eyes narrow VERY slowly)
(Camera angle changes and suddenly all we see is Nancy seated alone in the wheelchair, Lucifer and King are nowhere to be seen. Quick beating sounds emit from under the table)
King: It was only a QUESTION! HONEST!!! OW!!! OW!!! OW!!!
Linda: Well, lets get this wedding going! (Taker and JR pull Ivory and Terri apart)
Terri: (growl, snarl) ... must... marry... Kane!
Kane: Great news! I'm marrying both of you!
(both women stop struggling)
Ivory: ... really?
Kane: Yeah! Now we can have flaming dumpster sex together!
Three of them: YAY!!!
(Shaniqua suddenly appears in a poof of smoke, brandishing a cat-o-nine tails. JR sees her and ducks behind Kane fearfully.)
Shaniqua: What's going on here? There's no way my son is being part of some girly wedding!
Christian: Dude, you, like, have a son?
Shaniqua: Unfortunately, I do. NOW GET OVER HERE!!! (Coach leaves the Ho's and scurries over to Shaniqua, hunched over in fear)
Coach: (meekly) Yes, mother?
Trish: Now I'm confused.
Shaniqua: Why weren't you at the airport to meet me? I told you when my flight was! I traveled 5,000 miles from Heaven, which included a layover in Cincinnati, and my own pathetic son wasn't even there!
Coach: I'm sorry mother! (she beats him with the whip)
JR: Hey, he may be a jackass, but that's too much!
(Shaniqua turns to him and he ducks back behind Kane, pulling Taker over beside him as a blockade.)
JR: Fear!
Shaniqua: I'm on Raw to stay!
(Basham's music play and the brothers enter)
Doug (or is it Danny? Who knows) Basham #1: Hey! You can't be on Raw, Shaniqua! We need you on Smackdown!
Basham #2: Yeah! What will we ever do without your whip to please us?
Shaniqua: How about this! (beats them to death with her whip, crowd cheers)
Linda: CAN WE GET THIS WEDDING OVER WITH PLEASE????? (everyone goes silent) Thank you. (clears throat) Oh, wait. What about the bouquet?
Taker: I got that. (tears the bouquet in half, giving the two pieces to Terri and Ivory)
Linda: Thank you. Ok, Kane, do you take these two women as your wives?
(Kane makes the turn buckles light on fire)
Linda: I'll take that as a yes. Terri, do you take Kane as your husband and Ivory as your sister wife?
Terri: Yes!
Linda: Ivory, do you take Kane as your husband and Terri as your sister wife?
Ivory: I do.
Linda: Then, by the powers vested in me by being married to Vince, your all married! Congratulations!
(Crowd awwws.)
JR: You three had better get busy, I want some grandchildren!
(Molly, Steph, Linda, most of the Ho's, Lilian, Trish and even Shaniqua group together to catch the bouquet. Terri and Ivory throw at the same time, and Molly and Trish catch them)
Molly and Trish: We're both getting married soon! (hug in the ring)
~~~Meanwhile~~~
Random reader: Hey! What about that Super Ultimate Curse-
From nowhere: GASP!!!
Random reader: Thing that Rocky was suppose to get?
~*~*~*~*~*~
(parking garage. Rocky is strutting towards his 12 cars, all of which escort him around parade style where ever her goes.)
Rock: Coach as the new pimp, what a laugh!
(unlocks one trunk to throw his bag in, but screams in horror at a mutilated Ho skeleton laying inside. He slams the trunk shut and runs to the next car. Same thing. And with all twelve cars. His constant screaming catches the attention of a nearby officer.)
Cop: What seems to be the trouble, sir? (glances in one trunk and-----)
~*~*~*~*~*~
Authors Ramblings-
Yeah, evil of us to leave you hanging like that. Don't worry, we'll try to get episode 6 up very soon! Read and Review please!!! You'll get cookies if you do!
(When we left off, Evolution had just escaped the fiery bowels of Hell and reached the surface. Or had they?)
Ric: See? It's Flairy Land! We're never getting back to the real world again!
Hunter: Flair, you're never in the real world.
Randy: What's Flairy Land?
Ric: It's a magical place where the Flairy Fairies live.
(long pause)
Hunter: All those chair shots really left they're mark, didn't they?
Lita: What's he talking about?
Ric: My Lady! Forgive them! They don't recognize the God and Goddess of Flairy Land when they're standing before us! (beings bowing to Lita and Jeff)
Randy: (gasp) Spare me Goddess! (bowing)
Jeff: Yup, only slightly more demented than usual.
~*~*~*~*~*~
(Heaven. Luke is being fawned over by the Mollys, and the DA's are lounging nearby.)
DA Phoenix: God Damn it! It's boring here!
God: Don't take my name in vain!
DA Cerrita: Let's go visit Hell.
DA Phoenix: No, it's boring down there too now that Evolution is gone. (weeps)
Booker T: (arrives in a poof of smoke. There are two women with him.) Can you dig it, Sucka! Look at these two fine ladies I got with me! (we see that the two 'ladies' are actually Brittany Spears and Christina Aguilera!)
DA Phoenix: What the frig? Why are those two here?
Rob: (stoned) I like blue unicorns.
Luke: (sees Brittany) Fear! (hides behind the Mollys, cowering)
Christina: (perky) Hi! You're cute!
Luke: AHH!! Get away! (Mollys stand in protective stance)
Brittany: Your, like so right, Christina! Let's, like, hit on him, like, big time.
Luke: If either of you get any closer, I'll summon the Super Ultimate Curse (lots of gasping from everyone nearby)
DA Cerrita: Um, can't.
Luke: Why not?
DA Phoenix: We already used it on Rocky, and it needs time to charge. (Luke looks confused) It's a big curse.
Luke: Damn! (Brittany and Christina strutting over) If I can't impose the Super Ultimate Curse (gasps from everyone) Then I'll put you in a match- against, um, Ivory and Trish! Yeah, a tag team first death match! First team to have a member die looses.
Christina: This will be so easy!
Brittany: Yeah, the other girls will be, like, so distracted by their, like, jealously!
Christina: Totally!
Booker: (staring at Brittany and drooling) Now, can you dig that, Sucka!!!
(Christian enters with a poof of smoke. Eric races out after him and dives at his leg, effectively clinging to it. He's still holding the clump of Sean's hair in his hand.)
Christian: This, like, so totally reeks of uncoolness! (points to leg. Eric blows raspberries at him, then giggles)
God: So, what about?
Christian: How am I supposed to show off my reeking of coolness with this... this... reekazoid on my incredibly hot leg?
DA Cerrita: Well, what does Eric have to say on the matter? (looks at Eric)
Eric: Mommy! (Cerrita jumps back in fear)
DA Cerrita: You'd better not mean me!
Eric: Mommy! (points up at Christian) Mommy! Mommy!
DA Phoenix: Awww, Christian had a baby.
Christian: What? No, that's so totally uncool! (sees Brittany, completely forgets what he was arguing about) Wow, you are so, like, reeking of hotness!
Booker: Oh, no you don't, dawg! Tell me he did not just say that!
Brittany: Wow, you so totally reek of manliness!
DA Phoenix: I think he did.
Luke: ALL OF YOU LEAVE!!! Booker, take that Devil incarnate and go. She and Aguilera have a match. Christian, take you 'son' and get out of my sights before I catch you on fire!
(Lucifer wheels by at top speeds, being nothing more than a blur. We can kind of see a figure with him wearing a white dress and wings. Brock crawls by moments later, foaming at the mouth and dirty. About three weeks dirty. Everyone covers their noses and backs away.)
Brock: Nancy! I'll save you! I won't let that evil teddy kidnap you! (sees Luke and begins crawling towards him. Luke picks up a stick and starts jabbing it towards Brock to keep him away.)
Luke: No. Just no.
~*~*~*~*~*~
(Raw arena. Brittany and Christina are at their corner, playing with their hair and being ditsy. Christian is with them, acting pretty much the same. Booker is also there, fawning over Brittany. The Christs are sitting in the front row with Steiner Stalin.)
Edge: I'm so glad he's not my brother any more.
(Ivory and Trish enter the ring, and the match begins. Ivory and Brittany start off. Brittany strikes a pose to intimidate Ivory, who doesn't buy it and kicks her in the gut and delivers a DDT. Brittany crawls around in a daze while Ivory tags in Trish. She grabs the singer and choke slams her, then delivers a modified Angle slam followed by a spear. Trish wraps her arms around Brittany's waist and lifts her for a Suplex over the top rope, but looses her balance and falls, dropping the blond singer.
(The audience erupts in sound, half being screaming and the other half cheering, ends up being mostly cheering. Trish turns around and sees what happened. Brittany was suplexed onto Spikes rubber duckie American Flag. Christian and Booker are holding each other and crying.)
Trish: Um, oops?
(Chyna's music plays and she walks down to the ring with the general attitude of a bitch. She seems to look a lot like Cher.)
Chyna: (yelling) CHRISTINA!!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!! I WILL SACRIFICE YOU TO MY DARK GOD!!!
(Christina looks at Chyna in fear, then jumps into Booker's arms, who drops her)
Booker: You ain't Brittany, dawg! (weeps)
Christs & Steiner Stalin: CHYNA! CHYNA! CHYNA!
(Jazz's music plays and she enters.)
Jazz: Get out of my ring! You ain't near the woman I am!
Chyna: Well, duh! I got a sex change operation!
(cricket chirps)
Christian: But you, like, look totally like Cher.
Chyna: Well, it BACKFIRED!!! (Christian cowers in fear. Eric is drooling on his tights.
Jazz: I'm top woman on this show, and if anyone is going to sacrifice that girly-girl, it's gonna be me!
(large crevasse opens up at the base of the ramp. Hot lava bubbles just below the surface.)
Chyna: Damn it, no! I'm making my return debut with his sacrifice!
(both 'women' grab hold of Christina, pulling on her arms forcefully. In the process they lift her up and pretty much double choke slam her into the crevasse, which quietly closes like it wasn't ever there. Chyna and Jazz stare in silence.)
Chyna: Um, cool.
Jazz: Yeah. (turns to Chyna) Sex change operation, huh?
Chyna: (still staring where crevasse was) Yeah.
Jazz: Seeing anyone?
Chyna: Nope.
Jazz: Do ya think that maybe...
Chyna: (turns to Jazz) Sure!
(Camera shot changes to Christ family. Edge is staring in shock. Spanky has passed out. Stacy is covering her eyes. Steiner Stalin looks scared.)
Edge: Now, that's not right.
~*~*~*~*~*~
(Hell, Christina is singing one of her mindless songs, and Taker is cowering behind his chair. The Blood Lords are singing backup.)
Taker: I can't take this anymore!
(Lucifer enters, Nancy on his lap)
Lucifer: She's HERE too? I'm being followed by morons all day! First Brock, then-
Nancy: She has a terrible voice, too.
Lucifer: This ends! (points his only hand at Christina, making her hair catch on fire. She starts running around and screaming) Much better!
Christina: NO!!!!!! I paid $10,000 for this hair!
Nancy: Then, you paid WAY too much.
(Christina runs in circles, coincidentally running through the exit just as Molly enters.)
Voice: NANCY!!!
Lucifer: Aww, crap! I thought we lost him!
Nancy: Guess not. Step on it! (the two teddies race off in the wheelchair just as Brock crawls by, still foaming at the mouth and still stinky.)
Molly: (whiny) Why can't I have a normal life with a normal family???
~*~*~*~*~*~
(Kurt is walking down the hall, carrying several jugs of milk, several more than he can actually carry, explaining why he's walking so slow.)
(Suddenly, a poof of smoke fills the hall and Christina comes running in, her hair still ablaze. Kurt stares in shock)
Kurt: What do I do?
(two miniature Kurts appear on his shoulders, an angel and devil)
Angel Kurt: Quick! Pour a jug of milk over the flames!
Devil Kurt: No!!! (Angel Kurt jerks head towards him) It's milk!
Angel Kurt: But she could die!
Kurt: Yeah!
Devil Kurt: But... but... it's milk! (waves arms excitedly)
Kurt: (thinks it over) ... yeah!
Angel Kurt: Your just going to let her die because you don't want to waste any precious milk!
Devil Kurt: Well, if I'm not mistaken, it's milk that keeps your wings and halo strong and shiny!
Angel Kurt: I'm willing to risk that to save- (turns to face Christina) Who is that, anyway? (scratches neck with halo)
Devil Kurt: I think it's Christina Aguilera.
Angel Kurt: (pause) LET HER FRY!!!
Kurt: NO! I'LL SAVE YOU!!! (drops the milk jugs and pulls the top off one as the Devil and Angel Kurts disappear. He rushes over and douses Christina's head with milk.)
Christina: AHHH!!! MY DESIGNER CLOTHES!!! (begins wringing out her blouse)
Kurt: Are you all right?
Christina: Does it, like, look like I'm all right? My clothes are ruined, and my hair is (feels head, it's completely bald) GONE!!! OH, MY GOD!!! (begins weeping) Now no hot guys will think I'm hot!
Kurt: Well, I don't know, I think bald is kinda cute.
Christina: (stops crying) Really? (Kurt nods) Wow, like, thanks!
Kurt: Don't worry, I'll get those clothes cleaned.
Christina: Don't worry about it. You, like, saved my life! You're a hero! (plants a lip locker right on Kurt.)
~*~*~*~*~*~
(Nowinski is strutting down the hall, oblivious to the events in the ring. He walks by the Super Chrises, both of whom are munching on Steve O's Soup.)
Nowinski: Hey, guys. What happening?
Jericho: Oh, look- Mr. Harvard. (slurp)
Benoit: Probably flunked out of high school. (slurp)
Nowinski: (didn't hear them) I heard you two have a new stable, sounds neat. What's it called, The Super Chrises?
Benoit: Yup. (slurp, munch)
Jericho: Something like that. (slurp)
Benoit: What about it? (slurrrrrrrrrrrrrp)
Nowinski: Well, I was thinking about joining up with the two of you. Ya know, to get my push going again. And since my name is also Chris, and all. (geeky smile. The Super Chrises keep eating quietly) What do you say?
Jericho: ... no. (munch, slurp, crunch)
Nowinski: Aw, please?
Benoit: He already said no. (munch) Don't piss me off. (slurp)
Nowinski: Is that a threat?
Jericho: You haven't seen him get pissed. (slurp, munch) At least, not recently. (gulp, slurp)
Nowinski: I'm not afraid of either one of you! I could take the both of you on right now. Go ahead, Benny, give me your best shot! (taunts Benoit, who doesn't even look up, but morphs into a wolverine in mid slurp)
Jericho: Go ahead, (slurp) snarl.
(Benoit bares his three fangs {the fourth is his missing tooth, remember?} and growls slowly at Nowinski.)
Nowinski: Holy crap! (begins trembling, backing away slowly.) You don't have rabies or anything, do you?
(Benoit looks like he's just about to bite Mr. Harvard in two when Cerrita enters. His ears immediately go forward and he begins purring)
DA Cerrita: Awww, how adorable! (scratches Benoit behind the ear. He rubs his head against her shoulder, long reach for an 8' wolverine, since Cerrita's only 5'6.)
Nowinski: You're an author, right? (Cerrita nods) Then you can write me into their stable!
DA Cerrita: No.
Nowinski: This isn't fair! I'm a Harvard graduate! I deserve better! (begins throwing a tantrum)
Jericho: How 'bout you earn it? (slurp)
DA Cerrita: Yeah, in your return debut. A Steele Chair Match- (Nowinski looks confident) against Kane- (he pales) tonight. (he looks terrified.)
Nowinski: But-
DA Cerrita: Don't talk to me anymore.
Nowinski: But- (Benoit growls menacingly) Right. Well, I should get ready for my match, then. (leaves quickly)
DA Cerrita: Awww, thank you! (kisses Benoit's cheek. He resumes purring.)
~*~*~*~*~*~
(unmarked locker room # 1)
Jackie: But, Rico, why???
Rico: Because it is my destiny! It is a calling!
Jackie: But I've been trying so hard to make you straight, and your ruining it!
Rico: Please, not another word. I leave you this bottle of sparkly glitter as a parting gift. Farewell! (Rico exits the locker room, dressed WAY too flashy, carrying a girly suitcase.)
Jackie: But Rico, I love you!
Rico: Girlfriend, talk to the hand! (holds hand up over his shoulder for her to see as he walks off, swaying his hips.)
(Unmarked locker room #2)
Val Venis: (in his entrance music voice) Goodbye, ladies!
Female voices: (various protests)
Val: Not another word. This big piece of man candy must leave before emotions get out of control. (exits with a duffel bag, wearing only two towels, one around his waist the other around his head. Several females follow him to the door, crying uncontrollably)
Random female: Val, we love you!
(hallway)
Goldust: Lance, I want you to have these handcuffs and feather boas. And take these jars of gold and black paint. And always remember the name of (inhale) Goldust.
Lance: Um, all right. Where are you going, anyway?
Goldust: It doesn't matter, only that you would not belong. See ya around, my wild and crazy brother. (exits locker room with gold luggage. Lance follows him in confusion to the doorway.) Oh, and take care of the Mini Dusts for me! (two tiny gold figures race out and cling to Goldy's leg)
Mini Dust: Don't go, Goldy!
Mrs. Dust: Yeah! You're our favorite!
Goldust: I must leave you. (they look sad.) Don't worry, Lance will replace me.
Lance: What???
Dusts: Yay!!! (cling to Lance's legs) WE LOVE YOU, LANCE!!!
Lance: Oh, great! Just wonderful! (sighs)
(unmarked locker room #3)
Ho #3: But Godfather, what will happen without you?
Ho #8: Yeah, why are you leaving?
Godfather: Ho's, I'm sad to say that today is the day that the Godfather (like his entrance) Gets off the HOOOOOO train!
Ho #14: We'll miss you, Godfather!
Ho #5: Yeah, write soon!
Godfather: Don't worry ladies, I'll keep in touch. You're still my bitches, even if my tastes have changed.
Ho #10: But who's going to be the new pimp?
Ho #1: Yeah, you haven't appointed anyone yet.
Godfather: (nervously) Your right, I haven't told you yet who it is, have I? (leads the Ho's into the hall. He looks around almost frantically.) He should be here any minute...
(Coach and Snow walk by, laughing loudly at some stupid joke. Godfather stops them.)
Godfather: (overly relieved.) Glad you got here, I was just starting to get worried.
(Coach and Snow look confused, as do the Ho's)
Godfather: Ho's meet your new pimp. (motions to the two commentators)
Ho #12: Um, which one?
Godfather: Oh, sorry. (motions to Coach)
Ho's: COACH??? (several Ho's faint)
Coach: WHAT???
Godfather: Of course!
Coach: I don't know about this-
Godfather: (grabs Coach and pulls him aside) Just watch them, ok? It's a real easy job, like running a business. And they're all pretty ditzy, so it's like herding sheep. But watch out for Ho number one, she's actually got brains.
Coach: Um, which is number one?
Godfather: That one. (points to a bright redhead)
Coach: So, I'm the new godfather? (looks around nervously) Am I on candid camera?
Godfather: Yup, good luck. See ya, ladies. (waves to the Ho's as he walks off, suitcase in hand.)
Snow: Damn, you just inherited the Godfather's Ho's!
Coach: (in a daze as the Ho's begin feeling him up as they adapt to the new pimp) Yeah, I did, didn't I?
Ho #!: Well, what now?
Coach: How many ho's are there?
Ho #1: Godfather never kept more than 20 with him at any one time, but he had a total upwards of 300. (Snow chokes on the soda he was drinking.) And you've inherited all of them. So, like I said, what now?
(Rock walks by, looking upset at loosing his strudels. He sees Coach being literally fondled by about 20 ho's and stops in his tracks.)
Rock: (whispering) What in the blue hell... ? (walks up to Coach.) So Coach, making a pretty pricey investment, aren't you? You know, the Rock never needs to buy himself female company, they naturally flock towards the Rock-
Coach: Actually, I'm their pimp.
Rock: (stops his usual sexual innuendos) Oh. Starting a new business venture, then?
Ho #1: No, we're formerly the Godfather's ho's, but he's left.
Rock: (stunned) You're the NEW Godfather?
Coach: Yup. Wanna rent one?
Rock: (several silent beats before side splitting laughter.) This is the funniest thing the Rock has heard in a long time! Coach, COACH! Boring, sad, pathetic, pitiful Coach is the new pimp for the Ho Train? (several ho's pause to nod before resuming their explorations) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, my! That's great! That lifted the Rock's spirits! There's hope for the pointless after all! (walks off, still laughing)
Coach: I really hate him.
Snow: Um, hate to interrupt your moment of loathing, but you'd better take a look at your clothing situation.
Coach: Huh, what? (looks down and realizes he's in just his socks, and ho's 7 and 19 were working them off.) HEY!!! (grabs his shirt and covers himself.) Not in the hallway!
Ho #1: Allright! Everybody back in the locker room! (the ho's file in. number 1 links arms with Coach as they walk in.) So, what's your first order of business as pimp?
Coach: (evil smile) I know. Now, listen closely...
~*~*~*~*~*~
(scene is the ring. The fans are cheering the next match- Nowinski vs Kane in a Steele Chair Match! BannonLuke is sitting front row, the twelve Mollys pampering him. Number 10 might as well be giving him a lap dance.)
Lilian: The following is a Steele Chair Match, where the first person to beat their so they can't get up before a 10 count is declared winner. Already in the ring, Kane! And entering the ring, Chris Nowinski!
(Lilian quickly exits the ring, leaving Earl Hebner, who fortunately DIDN'T die because of O'Haire {YAY!!!} alone in the ring with the wrestlers. The bell dings to begin.)
Nowinski: (waving chair around pointlessly) I'm not afraid of you!
Kane: (just watches him a few moments before taking his own chair and bashing the Harvard graduate once across the skull.) I win.
(Nowinski didn't have a chance. And with that, Kane wins by 10 count. Earl vary nervously holds Kane's hand up.)
Kane: (picks up Earl suddenly by the scruff of his neck) Are you a praying man? (notices Earl is in the middle of prayer.) Good. (puts him down and motions for a mic from ringside. Talks with the whispery voice) Now, with such an easy victory, it makes sense that I should celebrate any way I want. (pause to look at the crowd, most of whom are cheering.) Normally, I would light something on fire, but this time I'm going to so something a little different. (cute voice) Ivory, come down here so you can marry me now!
(Crowd 'awwwwww's loudly as Ivory's music hits and she steps out to the top ramp in a flowing white wedding dress. Kane begins conducting the show.)
Kane: Lilian, you hold on to these rings. (hands them to a nervous Lilian.) Ref, take this little bible Eddie got me and stand right here! (picks up a cowering Earl and places him against the far ropes, the little bible clutched in his hands.) And JR, you're gonna walk her down the isle.
JR: Why do I have to do it?
Kane: 'Cause I said so! (JR rolls his eyes and leaves the commentators booth to stand by Ivory.) And I need some flower girls to stand on the ramp. (Coach's music hits and he leads the ho's out- a couple are missing, and he's fortunately dressed again.) King, you've been married a lot before, is that everything?
King: (looks slightly annoyed by that comment) Yeah, you got everything, except a best man and brides maids.
Kane: Then I need them, now! (Undertaker, RVD, Molly, Trish, Christian w/ Eric, and Linda all enter and stand kinda near Earl.) Ok, now we can start.
('Here comes the Bride' plays and JR walks Ivory down the ramp, up the stairs onto the apron, and into the ring, handing her off to Kane.)
Earl: (opens little bible) We're gathered here- how can anyone read this print? Jesus!
Edge: (appearing from nowhere) You rang?
(Earl rolls his eyes and tries once again to read the print, when suddenly Terri's music plays and she stomps out to the stage, also wearing a wedding dress. She looks furious)
Terri: No, this can not happen! Kane loves ME! YOU KISSED ME FIRST!!!
Kane: That was a long time ago, it doesn't mean anything!
Terri: Well, it means a lot to me! And I'm gonna prove my love for you by beating that piece of trash through the mat! (charges into the ring and perfectly spears Ivory. Earl gets accidentally hit and is knocked out of the ring.)
(Kane starts freaking out, not sure what to do. Everyone else in the ring is just trying to avoid being hit by the two flailing women. Suddenly, a huge circle of fire erupts on the ground around the ring, getting everybody's attention. They all look at Kane, who shrugs in confusion.)
Linda: All right, who did that?
(JR timidly raises his hand)
Kane: What? How? Only I can do things with fire like that!
JR: (stands face to face with Kane.) Kane, when you set me on fire, it released a power I thought I'd lost long ago. The power to control fire, just like you.
Kane: Wait a minute...?
Taker: It's time you learn the truth, boy.
Kane: Huh, what truth?
Molly: You're adopted. You aren't actually our brother.
RVD: (stoned) Cool, huh?
JR: They're right.
Kane: Now I'm confused! (sits in the middle of the ring like he does when he's just sat up) What's going on?
JR: Kane, I'm your father.
(odd silence.)
King: .No.
Taker: Yes.
Kane: No.
JR: Yeah.
Kane: No way. Not possible!
JR: Son, I'm afraid it is. Now get up and give your old man a hug!
(Kane stands up to tearfully hug JR, and the crowd aww's.)
Linda: Come on Kane, lets get you married.
Taker: (slightly teary eyed.) My kid bro's finally settlin' down. (sniffle)
(Test enters and quickly snatches up the tiny bible from Earl)
Test: SIN!!! Sin! Sin! Sin! (points to various people before quickly exiting)
Kane: Hmm, so that's where Eddie got that bible. Now what do we do?
Molly: Better question- who are you marrying? (Terri and Ivory are still battling it out. Neither looks quite up to bride appearance any more.)
(Lucifer, with Nancy on his lap, wheels out to the commentators table. He lets King pick up the tiny wheelchair and place it on the table. Nancy scoops up JR's headphones and the two share it.)
Lucifer: Why don't you just marry both of them? Nobody will mind!
King: (glancing at Lucifer) What would you know about marriage? You're a teddy bear!
Nancy: Well, it just so happens that we're only stopping here for a quick visit before our honeymoon.
Kane: That means-
Nancy: Yep! Me and Lucifer are married!
~*~*~*~*~*~
(somewhere in the world with TV access, a lone voice screams)
Brock: (very shrill, strained) NANCYYYYY, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~*~*~*~*~*~
King: Hey, Lucifer, I just gotta ask. (Teddy turns to him slowly) What do teddy puppies feel like? (Lucifer's eyes narrow VERY slowly)
(Camera angle changes and suddenly all we see is Nancy seated alone in the wheelchair, Lucifer and King are nowhere to be seen. Quick beating sounds emit from under the table)
King: It was only a QUESTION! HONEST!!! OW!!! OW!!! OW!!!
Linda: Well, lets get this wedding going! (Taker and JR pull Ivory and Terri apart)
Terri: (growl, snarl) ... must... marry... Kane!
Kane: Great news! I'm marrying both of you!
(both women stop struggling)
Ivory: ... really?
Kane: Yeah! Now we can have flaming dumpster sex together!
Three of them: YAY!!!
(Shaniqua suddenly appears in a poof of smoke, brandishing a cat-o-nine tails. JR sees her and ducks behind Kane fearfully.)
Shaniqua: What's going on here? There's no way my son is being part of some girly wedding!
Christian: Dude, you, like, have a son?
Shaniqua: Unfortunately, I do. NOW GET OVER HERE!!! (Coach leaves the Ho's and scurries over to Shaniqua, hunched over in fear)
Coach: (meekly) Yes, mother?
Trish: Now I'm confused.
Shaniqua: Why weren't you at the airport to meet me? I told you when my flight was! I traveled 5,000 miles from Heaven, which included a layover in Cincinnati, and my own pathetic son wasn't even there!
Coach: I'm sorry mother! (she beats him with the whip)
JR: Hey, he may be a jackass, but that's too much!
(Shaniqua turns to him and he ducks back behind Kane, pulling Taker over beside him as a blockade.)
JR: Fear!
Shaniqua: I'm on Raw to stay!
(Basham's music play and the brothers enter)
Doug (or is it Danny? Who knows) Basham #1: Hey! You can't be on Raw, Shaniqua! We need you on Smackdown!
Basham #2: Yeah! What will we ever do without your whip to please us?
Shaniqua: How about this! (beats them to death with her whip, crowd cheers)
Linda: CAN WE GET THIS WEDDING OVER WITH PLEASE????? (everyone goes silent) Thank you. (clears throat) Oh, wait. What about the bouquet?
Taker: I got that. (tears the bouquet in half, giving the two pieces to Terri and Ivory)
Linda: Thank you. Ok, Kane, do you take these two women as your wives?
(Kane makes the turn buckles light on fire)
Linda: I'll take that as a yes. Terri, do you take Kane as your husband and Ivory as your sister wife?
Terri: Yes!
Linda: Ivory, do you take Kane as your husband and Terri as your sister wife?
Ivory: I do.
Linda: Then, by the powers vested in me by being married to Vince, your all married! Congratulations!
(Crowd awwws.)
JR: You three had better get busy, I want some grandchildren!
(Molly, Steph, Linda, most of the Ho's, Lilian, Trish and even Shaniqua group together to catch the bouquet. Terri and Ivory throw at the same time, and Molly and Trish catch them)
Molly and Trish: We're both getting married soon! (hug in the ring)
~~~Meanwhile~~~
Random reader: Hey! What about that Super Ultimate Curse-
From nowhere: GASP!!!
Random reader: Thing that Rocky was suppose to get?
~*~*~*~*~*~
(parking garage. Rocky is strutting towards his 12 cars, all of which escort him around parade style where ever her goes.)
Rock: Coach as the new pimp, what a laugh!
(unlocks one trunk to throw his bag in, but screams in horror at a mutilated Ho skeleton laying inside. He slams the trunk shut and runs to the next car. Same thing. And with all twelve cars. His constant screaming catches the attention of a nearby officer.)
Cop: What seems to be the trouble, sir? (glances in one trunk and-----)
~*~*~*~*~*~
Authors Ramblings-
Yeah, evil of us to leave you hanging like that. Don't worry, we'll try to get episode 6 up very soon! Read and Review please!!! You'll get cookies if you do!