Shooting up makes me forget what spike and Willow are doing behind my back. It makes me not notice the hole in my soul quit as much. It allows me to drift back to the beginning when my simple presence made him happy, when he didn't need HER he only needed me. It allows me to remember when we moved in to our house although it wasn't the typical American dream with the picket fence and big windows. Considering point wooden fence post and big sunlight admitting windows were death traps for the love of my life, and when that is the case you tend to stay away from that of thing. Yeah I like to think back to when we were happy. When he wasn't banging HER and I wasn't using drugs to forget or remember depending on the situation. All of my friends and my sister all know and every time I get one of their over sympathetic glance I want to run into my room and pick up my needle. I am dying inside completely falling apart and everyone wants to ignore it because it's easier to pretend it doesn't exist then to deal. So they let me slowly and painfully kill myself so that their lives will be easier. Using makes me happy for awhile but when it fades reality hits me hard sometimes harder then I can handle and they ignore me. It seems like I am standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming for help and no one hears me. I am weak. Me of all people the one that was the epitome of strength has been reduced to this shell. Spike can't even look at me and on the rare occasion that he does he looks so regretful. It takes all I have not to run over and take him in my arms and kiss him because I know if I do when he came up for air he'd still be sleeping with her and I still be broken so I keep my distance. I don't want to be here in anymore stuck between cowardice and courage between pain and happiness and I am where I always am between everything and nothing all at once. I want to run. Running won't help. The problem won't go away it will just worse and I am having problems dealing as it is. I wish things would go back to the way they were before any of this before willow before the drugs when all there that existed was love before things got so complicated but if wishes were strength I wouldn't be using to deal with my life.