POV Spike %%%%%%%% I want to give this up. I want to be the hero like I was when I sacrificed myself for love and all the right reason. Now I am betraying my reason for being. I am hurting her in a way no one deserves least of all her. I can't control it can't stop myself. Red has this power over my maybe she's working her Wiccan mojo on me, but why would she want to do that? I don't understand. In the beginning I knew she was hurting Tara was gone Kennedy ran off because she couldn't handle that Tara was still in Willow's heart and she would always have to share Willow with Tara's memory. I never liked that Bint she was damn selfish and arrogant and all the things that could easily get her killed. Enough about that slag talking about her makes my head hurt. So I knew why it started Willow need to release her pain and I wasn't stratified but it shouldn't have kept going. It shouldn't have elevated to this level but it has. I am afraid more afraid then I've ever been. Afraid that I'll lose her either to the drugs or my own selfness. When I lie in bed next to her I feel her pain her heart break I want to hold her to make it go away but I cant because I caused it and that knowledge is making it unbelievably hard to live with myself and what I've done. Sometimes when she comes into the house reeking of heroin and there is so much raging through her veins and I get high just smelling her I want to scream at her to grab her and shake her so hard her teeth rattle. I want to tell her that this isn't worth killing herself over I am not worth killing herself over. I never do though because I know she'll tell me she knows about what I am doing with willow that she hates me for pushing her to this and although I think she knows. Correction I am almost positive she knows but being almost positive is better then hearing it from her mouth because if the day ever comes that I do hear it from her I will dust myself right there. I am not afraid to die but still I sleep with one eye open in case any of the scoobies or buffy decides to stake me in my sleep although I don't know why. I welcome death. Atleast I wouldn't have to hurt to battle with my self and then give back in to temptation in the worse form and that form is the red haired Wiccan who's always seems to be right underneath my skin. I know it sounds selfish wanting to die and all. It's really not because if I were dead Buffy wouldn't hurt as bad. She'd feel pain for awhile but I wouldn't be there to constantly remind her of what I sure she thinks is her failure to keep me happy but that's not it al all it is my own failure not hers.