~*~Chapter 1~*~

Have you ever wanted to kill someone and I mean really kill them? You know, with blood and gore galore? I know what it's like to kill since I do it all the time, yeah the world's a sick place, but this time it was different. I wanted to see blood and gore galore. I wanted kill someone. Someone I knew and kinda liked or well at least I used to.

I wanted to kill Yohji. And while I was at it, dealing out some justice to that stupid Omi wouldn't hurt either. I never thought I'd say that, let alone envision it in grand scenes of Technicolor, but life rarely goes as planned, which leads me to conclude that one shouldn't ever plan anything. It's true. Planning is a fat waste of time...much like having a girlfriend.

I really loathe the word 'girlfriend' now and I have my good buddy Kudou to thank for that. Seriously, the guy's a crackpot. He's bonkers. I don't know what his problem is but I think he hates me. I really do. The girls he thinks I'd go for...yeah he definitely hates me.

But before all that hoopla, there was the 'Planning Stage' to go through. Evidently Yohji doesn't adhere to the old 'never plan anything' philosophy as I do. Since Yohji doesn't know shitall about planning anything other then his wardrobe and let's face it, that's none too spectacular, he decided to enlist the help of the Prodigious Planner himself, Omi and his handy PC.

They would sit together, in the shop or in the basement or on a mission, scrutinizing me in the most obvious of manners and whispering loudly. Phrases like "Sporty is good, they can go on soccer dates together" and "Definitely long hair, what with his face and all" followed me like danger on a Friday night. Everywhere I went, two pairs of eyes trailed me, assessing me clinically.

It was ghastly.

But it didn't end there, oh no heaven forbid. Next came the plethora of unwanted, dim-witted advice...all day long!

"You shouldn't run up the stairs in roller blades Ken, not if you want a girlfriend."

"You shouldn't play 'see-food' with your sushi Ken, not if you want a girlfriend."

"You shouldn't put your sneakers in the microwave oven Ken, not if you want a girlfriend."

"You shouldn't leave the toilet seat down Ken, not if you want a girlfriend."

After this went on for some time, I finally thought to take action.

"I DON'T WANT A DAMN GIRLFRIEND!" I shouted following one incident of afternoon ear-picking with a trowel.

Yohji and Omi exchanged shocked looks.

I gloated with vigor. Sometimes all you had to do is put your foot down in a show of pervasive, burly-

"You shouldn't yell Ken, not if you want a girlfriend," Yohji advised.

"You shouldn't gloat Ken, not if you want a girlfriend," Omi recommended.

Ylarxghhhh~!

I identified the current predicament as an 'Abundance of Communications'...in that there seemed to be no end in sight of all the yapping and yodeling Yohji and Omi were doing. So I did what any rational, level-headed adult would do and spent most of my time talking to Aya in order to avoid Dumb and Dumber. I don't know how he felt about this sudden outpouring of civility on my behalf but I did notice that he had taken to wearing his Discman a lot. That gave me a great idea, namingly I also wore my Discman and whenever Yohji and Omi tried to say something, I played Dir en Gray as loud as I could and sang like a castrated monster. I suffered a few ear bleeds, some loss of speech and bad diarrhea one night but in the end, it was worth it.

Kind of.  

See, I just figured they'd eventually get bored of all this girlfriend-hunting business. I was stubborn, I was unwilling, I was a basket-case, I was a loser. Who'd wanna deal with stress of it all? Yohji and Omi, apparently. These were not the best times of my life.

I don't know how many days passed, they all melted together, what with all the planning and scrutinizing and advice-giving but one bright afternoon, Yohji dropped the big one. And I'm not talking about wind-emission.

I was standing outside of the shop, spraying a row of shrubs with the hose when Yohji saddled up to me in a fumigating cloud of 'Musk of Man' eau de pungent.

"Hey Ken!"

I grunted.

"This is my good friend Shika."

I grunted again.

"Yohji's told me so much about you," a very feminine voice cooed.

My head shot up. Standing next to Yohji was a girl with dyed maroon hair and frosty-looking blue lipstick. She looked like she just kissed winter. Her clothes consisted of black pants that reminded me of a garbage bag and this really tight blue top that had fur around the hands and plunging neckline. I'm not lying, there was real fake black fur on her shirt. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. This weirdo was the girl Yohji and Omi had spent weeks trying to find for me? How insulting! This garbage-pants fake-fur wearing, icicle-mouth talking, unnaturally hairy head, wants a boyfriend who does she think she is dumb bimbo wait 'till I get my hands on Yohji that lousy bastard-

"Ken!" Yohji poked me in the forehead.

I scowled as hard as I could.

Yohji guffawed heartily and ruffled my hair. "You kids have fun now you hear!" He yanked the hose from my hands and shoved me towards snow-mouth.

"Thanks Yohji," she gushed, grabbing onto my arm in a tentacular-style leech. She began dragging me down the street. "Yohji told me allllllll about you!"

I tried to pull my arm away but to no avail. "Funny, he told me nothing about you."

"Oh hahahahahahahahahahahaha you're hilarious!"

I was very disturbed to note that when she laughed, she threw her head back and really let loose. This was nothing I liked.

I stopped. "Look it's really nice to meet you and all that but I got a ton of stuff to do today. I don't know what Yohji told you but I'm not interested in starting a relationship."

Snow-mouth let go of my arm. "Yeah you're not really my type."

I bit back several highly sarcastic retorts.

"Just get Yohji to gimme a call, okay? "

When I got back to the shop, Yohji and Omi were working on a couple of lily arrangements and congratulating each other on a match well made. I didn't think, I just attacked. Unfortunately the lilies bore most of the brunt of my anger but on the plus side, Yohji managed to entrapped Omi in his wire. I would have laughed if my face hadn't been mashed into the linoleum by Aya's foot. He was steaming, as far as I could see, which wasn't very far when I thought about it.

When Aya was out of the picture, leaving in a moody huff, I launched into a tirade of the most furious proportions. I was super pissed and then some. I did not want to be set-up with anyone and I did not want a girlfriend and I did not want to date! After that hullabaloo, I also left in a huff but that was more to make a dramatic exit than anything else. I figured I showed them who's boss.

Evidently, I wasn't boss, they were. The next day Omi introduced me to some soccer chick from his school. Then, a half an hour later, came Yohji's Scottish friend who couldn't speak a word of Japanese that I understood. Things did not improve as the days went on. I was forced to meet girl after girl, each as tinky as the last. It wasn't always pleasant, breaking it straight off with the girls. One of them cried, but that could have been because I accidentally stepped on her foot.

I was at my wit's end. It was getting so that I didn't want to work because who knew what girl I'd be forced to endure for five minutes. So I turned to my only ally in this crazy game, Aya. I cornered him one evening after our shift in the stairwell leading up to our apartments.

"Aya you've gotta help me, I can't take anymore of this hoopla!" I blubbered, wringing my apron for effect.

Aya looked at me. He put on his Discman. I knew he wanted to hear what I had to say.

"Yohji thinks me owes me for giving him advice and now he wants to find me a girlfriend so he got Omi to help and they keep trying to hook me up with all these girls and I'm sure they're really nice but I don't want a girlfriend because of that pact I made and even then how could I have a girlfriend doing what I do you know what I mean and I just don't know what to do because no one ever listens to ME!"

Aya was staring at the wall in a glazed sort of way. I noticed that his eyes were a bit unfocused. He must have been thinking pretty hard, that was for sure. He was a thinker, Aya was.

"Aya?" I poked his arm. "What do you think I should do huh?"

He looked around. "Strategize," he finally grunted.

"You mean you think I should do a bit of my own planning and get Yohji and Omi back in a way that they'd never figure? Like beating them at their own game, kinda?"

Aya was looking blurry-eyed again. I wondered if he had cataracts.

"That sounds...favorable."

"Shit, you're a genius!" I crowed, giving him a whack of camaraderie on his back. "You're a Prince of a guy, you know that? A real swell dude! I owe you big time. You'll help me think this shit out right?"

"Uh..." Aya fiddled with his Discman.

"I knew I could count on you!"

I gave him another friendly whack and bounded up the stairs. Seriously, what a guy! He acted all cold and uncaring but really he was helpful and concerned on the inside. Wow, I was so relieved not to be alone in this mess anymore. Now I had a friend and it was Aya! What cool times.

I looked back down the stairs at him. He was watching a bug crawl up the banister.

"Prince of a guy!"