~*~Chapter 2~*~

You know when you have a really great idea and you think it's the answer to all your problems but something goes wrong in a way you never imagined and then you're left in even deeper shit then you were in before? Well let me tell you, it's not an enjoyable experience. You get your hopes up and then the next thing you know you've been squashed flat...much like a bug.

Squashed bugs. How my heart stings ache with turmoil.

So yeah, I got myself into a pretty sucky mess. A truly sucky mess, you might even say. For sure I'd say it. I should have known that me + ideas = a big, turdy mess. My last great idea was to stay here while Yuriko left to Australia and look at where I am now. Wading around in Shit Creek without thigh galoshes and killing fish all over the place. I may be in the business of dispensing justice but let me tell you, I never get the pleasure end of that deal.

Everything that happened was so junky that I found myself yearning for the simple days of meeting Yohji and Omi's girls for a few minutes before dismissing them. Why did I have to complain then? Why did I yearn for things to be better when they were better, at least compared to what now they were. I'm so damn stupid that sometimes I feel like crying...but only if no one is around. Everyone knows that when a guy cries, he's nothing more than a useless Nancy boy. I may be stupid and loud but I am not a useless Nancy boy.

I guess all the trouble started after a mission Aya and I had together. First we hammed it up at some fancy-pants style frou-frou party, stole a high-tech disk from the host and then got caught by a bunch of 'Early Man' looking security guards. We fought and got our asses whooped before managing to book it. Aya was especially pissed. I think one of the guys pulled his eartails. A scream that high is not normal among boy above thirteen.

Both of us had a couple of serious wounds so we ended up in the basement beneath the shop to fix ourselves up. As I bandaged my arm, I ranted on about how I'd really pound-face next time I saw those lousy security guards. I wouldn't be so lenient next time, that was for sure. Then I brainstormed about what to do to get Yohji and Omi to stop bugging me. After all the spooky times they'd let me in for, I was gonna have to do something pretty nasty alright. I asked Aya what he thought after a while but he was fast asleep on the couch. The poor guy must have been plum-tuckered out. Or maybe he took sleeping pills. In any case, I was sure that he'd have some great ideas for me when he woke up. He was always smart like that.

I headed back upstairs to my apartment. As I passed Yohji's pad, I heard voices coming from inside. I listened hard. He and Omi were chatting it up. I ducked into my apartment, fetched a glass and set about 'creatively acquiring info'. If they were doing more planning and shit then there was going to be some trouble tonight.

"She's the older sister of this guy I tutor in math," Omi was saying. "She likes to do taxidermy and she's really pretty too. I say she'd be perfect for Ken."

"And let's not forget about Ameki," Yohji added. "She's that hot chick who models lingerie."

I couldn't believe it. Taxidermy? Underwear model? Was this what it all had sunk to? I didn't want these scourges upon society to be my girlfriend. Hell I didn't even want a girlfriend! Why wouldn't those two dumbos listening to me? Damn Yohji and his foggy, altruistic ways. Why wasn't he more like Aya? Aya always listened to me. He was a Prince of a guy like that!

"I know Ken seems a bit reluctant-"

A bit? Groovy powers of deduction, retard!

"But this is something I want to do," Yohji went on. "Ken always hears me out and he's there when I need him. He's such a caring, nice guy and chicks totally dig that. He could be happy with the right girl and that's all I want for him."

I blinked, feeling a bit misty. Yohji was being so considerate...why I could almost believe that he cared! Maybe he was also a Prince of a guy!

"And that's exactly why I'm also gonna give Jun'ko a call, just in case Ameki doesn't work out."

"Who, that wrestler? That Jun'ko?" Omi's voice was dubious. "Isn't she a bit, you know, fat?"

Almost. I could almost believe it.

"Big is beautiful."

I knew Yohji wasn't a Prince of a guy!

"Oh come on Yohji, you can't set Ken up with her. She's super loud and obnoxious and she's hates all men! Plus she's always hitting people."

"Ken's soft and charming ways are sure to win her over," Yohji replied. "And she doesn't hit people that much. I'm sure Ken'll stick with her for a spell. You know how she doesn't take to rejection all that well."

Fuming, I stalked back into my apartment. What the hell was going on here? One minute Yohji wanted to set me up with a hot model and the next a pissed, fat girl-wrestler? Dammit, I didn't deserve this kind of 'friendship'! I didn't even care about Yohji's stupid problems, I was always bored stupid when listening to them!

Annoyed, I turned on the TV and yanked the volume knob way up. My ears rang but that would show those assclowns next door! It served them right, to be forced to listen to my loud TV just like I had to listen to all their stupid plotting!

I plopped down on the sofa and scowled. "I hate you Yohji. You dumb jerkface."

A feminine product commercial came on. The woman began pouring blue liquid onto a...well you know. I started to feel ill. This was not the kind of thing I'd envisioned being on TV. I wanted to spite Yohji and Omi with loud music and annoying shows, nothing as gruesome as this horrorfest. I quickly turned the sound down and hunted through the channels for something good.

It was during this interlude of mini-vengeance that I stumbled across my idiocy of an idea. At the time I thought it was a brilliant scheme and figured it would bring about the end to all these dumb dramas. Oh how wrong I was. How very, very wrong.

The phone rang, interrupting my obnoxious channel-finding. It was a wrong number but when I turned back to the TV, I saw that I had left it on quite a racy show. Two guys, yes guys, were kissing in a swimming pool. Shocked and more than a little bit embarrassed, I hurriedly offed the TV.

The only experience I've had with someone gay was this guy who used to be on my soccer team. I never talked to him much though and no one else knew that he was gay, at least I don't think anyone did. I left my cleats in the locker room one day and when I ran back inside to get them, I stumbled over the strap of a gym bag. A bunch of 'boy' magazines fell out. Out of pure curiosity I leafed through one but it was too weird. I don't actually know anything about being gay, other then the basics, most of which I got out of that one magazine, that one time. However the image of the guys kissing on TV gave me what I perceived to be an ingenious idea. The solution to my all my problems was so obvious that you'd have to be thick, which naturally I was not, not to see it.

If I liked the boys then I didn't like the girls and that meant NO GIRLFRIEND.

Yes that's how it would work and then all this girlfriend business would fade away. Yohji, being the pervy womanizer that he was, would most likely find my sexual orientation to be repulsive, with any luck and Omi...well I didn't care about Omi just as long as he stopped pestering me. But to genuinely convince them that this wasn't some harebrained plot, which clearly it was, I was going to need the help of my good bud Aya. I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

I snuck out of my apartment and back downstairs to the basement where Aya was sleeping. I studied him for a few minutes. Yeah, any gay guy would love Aya. He cut quite the dash, as they say. He was attractive in a very exotic fashion. He even looked better when sleeping, mostly because he wasn't scowling and sneering and glaring and glowering. He looked almost...pretty. Not that I'd ever tell him that. He might not like that.

Making sure that he was definitely asleep, he was must have been the sleeping pills, I got down to business. I tore off my T-shirt for effect and then set about trying to get off Aya's trench coat. That's when I ran into trouble. Fucking Buddha above, what was this guy, paranoid? I never saw so much buckles and straps and fasteners in all my life! It wasn't easy opening all that hoopla. I mean seriously, what was the point? Did Aya have some kind of apprehension that while on a mission, somehow, someway his coat might fall open? Was he that shy? Did he wear funny stuff underneath?

I peeked under the coat but that wasn't it. He was just wearing a black thing. Hmm. The guy was weirder then I thought. And that earring, what was that all about? I tried to remember whether wearing in earring in your right ear meant you were gay or was it your left ear but I couldn't. If Aya was gay, not saying that he is but if he was, I would be in some luck. But then again, if anything, Aya's more of an asexual type.

I was still trying to figure out the stupid coat when Aya turned over, right onto my arm. His face was mere centimeters away from mine. His breath fanned my face. I tried to jerk my arm out but I was afraid to wake him. I never realize how hefty Aya truly was. God this was stupid. But I had to admit, at this close proximity, Aya was nice looking. His skin was like milk...homogenized milk. Mmmm milk.

Boy I sure was thirsty.

I tugged my arm painstakingly and was rewarded when I moved exactly half a millimeter. My arm was beginning to cramp up, thanks to Aya's stupid bulk. When he woke up, I was gonna tell him that he needed to go on a diet. How much did he weigh anyway? One ten? One twenty? Jeeze what a beefcake. I was no iron man, I couldn't handle that much mass pounding onto my delicate bone structure. It was all so absurd, that I should be in this position.

I managing to free my arm yet another half a millimeter when I heard footsteps coming from above me. Someone was in the shop and judging from the voices, and the fact that there were only a select few who could access the shop, namingly myself, Aya and the two goons, it must have been the goons. Those losers, what were they doing? Why were they wandering around in the shop?

The footsteps grew louder, meaning only one thing: they were on their way downstairs.

Originally my plan had been to fall asleep near Aya, both of us in various states of undress and then as Yohji or Omi stumbled upon us, they could make of it what they would. However I most assuredly did not want to get caught like this. I mean for God's sakes, Aya was still asleep. With me half-naked and stuck, it looked like I was some kind of pervy, voyeuristic fiend!

"Shits," I cursed. I threw caution into the wind. Grabbing hold of Aya's bony shoulder, why did I think he was fat, I shoved at it with my left hand while struggling to free my right. It wasn't easy, mostly because Aya, the big lug, wouldn't move. I pushed harder, educing Aya to mumble something that sounded suspiciously like 'night'. Then he hugged me, squashing me to his upper torso.

"Mmmphff!" My face was mashed up against his shoulder.

Aya garbled some more while I thrashed and twisted. I could now hear Omi's voice as he and Yohji grew closer. Their footsteps seemed extraordinarily loud.

"Aya!" I hissed noisily. "Wake up and get off me!"

His grip on me didn't slack. I knew there was no hope for it. Maybe he'd taken some medicine or something because usually Aya was the lightest sleeper around. Well whatever, I would not be found as a randy bastard!. I opened my mouth and bit.

Aya shot straight up so fast my head spun. Yanking my arm back to me, I felt an overwhelming sense of relieved acquisition, which last about two and a half seconds.

"You bit me!" Aya roared. His violet eyes were filled with the tiniest bit of shock and a shitload of anger. Aya's a pretty intense guy normally but when you've just sunken your pearly whites into his pearly white...well that not the good math, that's for sure. The only thing that prevented me from fleeing to the hills in record nanoseconds was that I'd run into Yohji and Omi, both of whom I could hear dashing across the store. They'd obviously heard Aya and any moment now they'd stumble upon this scene...

Aya, in his rage, flung himself onto me. His gloved hand tangled into my hair and he jerked. Yawza that smart! My eyes watered. Aya pulled harder before smashing my head onto the floor. Damn but I saw galaxies like you wouldn't believe! 

"Dumbo motherfucker!" he was hissing. "What'd you bite me for?"

Before I knew what I was doing, half in stupidity and half in self-preservation...don't forget that I had a crazed loon quashing my medulla oblongata into the carpet, I was shouting words at the top of my lungs. "I'm attracted to you!" The clamoring down the stairs stopped. Aya let go on my hair and my head fell loudly onto the floor, again. I winced. Aya stared down at me while pressing his mouth into a very thin line. I should have quit then but, well no one ever said that I knew when to quit. "You're so attractive and kind that I can't contain my...myself any longer!"

"You...you're...you...uh..."

Aya seemed stunned. Over his fiery hair, I could see Yohji and Omi peering down at us. "Yes, I wish to love you!" Grimacing heavily, I pursed my mouth and gingerly touched it to Aya's, cringing all the while.

I must have been suffering from brain drain.