~*~Chapter 4~*~

Through extensive research, scrutiny and many a reluctant panderings, I have come to the conclusion that teenaged girls are the stupidest, after Yohji of course, samplings on this planet. This isn't a fake assertion, not by a long bushel. It is a truth, unchanging and eternal as far as I'm concerned. Spend one afternoon at the flower shop and you'll see exactly what I mean. It's almost too gruesome for words.

At times I don't know whether to hate that Persia guy for turning us into shitty murderers or for forcing us into this 'Hole o' Hell'. It's so friggin' retarded. I'd like to know who the big pseudo-intellect was that said, 'hey I know a flower shop yeah good idea that's low profile and to really shade it up, let's put it right near a high school what a great cover yeah thumbs up dude.' Oh real good job asshat. Because hordes of simpering, gushing, cooing love-struck teenyboppers are thoroughly subtle.

Here I roll my eyes and extend my middle finger to the Heavens.

And all these shitty girls, not only were they friggin' never-ending in their gigglings and screechings but their waxing puppy-doggy adoration was as foul as rotting havarti and thrice as stank. Someone, somewhere please gimme a break. I don't get it. How can you profess your love to someone when you don't even know them? These IQ-challenged chicks don't know a single thing about any of us. They don't know what we're really like or what kind of people we are (killers) and they sure didn't get the hint that none of us wanted them as girlfriends.

For example, take this cutesy-tootsie, pigtailed specimen, sashaying up to me like she's got dirt in the skirt. Talk about minor! Talk about jailbait! Talk about...Why is she poking her cheek and blinking like that?  

OH WOULD YOU SCRAM MISS MUFFET!

I opened my mouth to tell her that I had a cactus and I wasn't afraid to use it but a funny thing happened to me. My mouth (and I'm talking purely of it's own accord here, as though it was some species of mutant malefaction) curved upwards like a rubber band and I said in a super-flaky voice, "Can I help you?"

Either something gets lost in the translation from brain to mouth or else I'm running on some kind of impenetrable Service-with-a-Smile Employee/Customer Satisfaction Guaranteed style relationship that's been shellacked to my taste buds. 

The girl giggled and fiddled with a fuzzy Hello Kitty key chain that hung from her pink and blue schoolbag.

Have I recently mentioned that I loathe Hello Kitty? Well I do. Hello Kitty yeah dream on. More like Make like a Dog and Flee Kitty. I'm telling you, every afternoon it's like a virtual explosion of Hello Kitty. And silvery pink cell phones and pink furry notebook and glitter pens and a plethora of other girlie trinkets and there's just SO MUCH SPARKLING PINK EVERYWHERE!

I think I'm beginning to understand just why Yohji wears UV protected sunglasses all the time. At this rate, nothing short of a telescope would be able to protect my waning vision.

"So what are you doing Keennnnnnn-kuunnnnnnnnn," the girl sang in a high, slurpy voice that brings to mind my Takahashi Superrific Blending Blizzard Blender Version Ten Million Forty-Nine.

"I'm watering a plant," I said in perky tones, my pre-programmed tongue flapping along well-travelled linguistic paths, so to speak. Or so NOT to speak should I say. Really. Why couldn't I tell this bit of fluff where to go and how to get there? What was wrong with me? "Plants need water to grow."

"They need sunlight too! Tee hee! You sure are smart Ken!"

Do you see what I have to work with? Was it any bloody wonder I didn't want a girlfriend? If these riveting conversations are any indication of fates to come then I think I know exactly what I must do.

Wining, dining, and refining it is.

But nothing lasts forever and soon Omi and Aya returned from their travels into the nefarious world of floral distribution. Omi in particular had not escaped unscathed, if his red cheeks were to be believed.

"All three of them pinched my cheeks!" he huffed to Yohji as he stuffed himself into his apron.

A variety of cooing Misses were on hand to sooth the wounded spirits and flailing pride of the young boy.

Aya stomped through the female deluge like his pants were ablaze. I noticed the resurgence of 'The Suspicious Look'.

"We need to talk," he bit out. Here 'The Suspicious Look' took a hike as he interrupted his facial expression to scowl at Miss Muffet.

The resulting skirmish to quit the scene in the face of such blistering wrath resulted in many a trodden foot and loss of many Hello Kitty accessories. Omi helped herd to mass out the door.

Yohji however was quick to bound onto the scene. "Ken's been dying to talk to you," he declared, nudging me slyly.

I glared at the fiendish offender. "I never once said-"

"Why don't you guys go back into the supply closet?" Yohji suggested loudly, with all the tone of one who's just had a brilliant epiphany. "It's really private in there."

Oh gee THAT was subtle.

Aya grunted in agreement and stalked to the closet.

"Thanks a lot shithead," I hissed scornfully.

Yohji made his fingers into guns and pointed them at me while making a dumb clicking noise . "Go grab some of that ass! I'll be listening in with Omi just in case you goof up and need some help!"

Speaking of needing some help...but practical advice was wasted on the stupid. So I contented myself with 'accidentally' stepping on Yohji's gargantuan behemoth of a foot on the way to the supply closet.

"Ditch the loose feet Ken! You can't go tripping it up around your boyfriend!"

Omi gave me a deeply suspicious look as I passed him.

I didn't feel very content at all.

With great reluctance I stepped into the supply closet. Aya was leaning against a metal shelf filled with spare seed packages. I closed the door shut in Yohji and Omi's eager faces. Good gravy this was going to suck some pituitary gland. What was I supposed to tell Aya now, what with Charlie and Chaplain hamming it up outside the door?

I decided to play it cool. I propped my foot up on a ten lbs. bag of mulch and buffed my nails against my hoodie. "What's up dude?"

Aya looked like he had a donkey gizzard in his mouth. "Why'd you bite me in my sleep and then kiss me in that funny way last night?"

My foot slipped. I windmilled about, all the while seething. "What do you mean 'funny way'?" I demanded when I got some balance back. This was outrageous. "Is there something amusing in the way I kiss?"

"You ran screaming from me to half way around the block and then stuck your head in the rain gutter."

The sounds of Yohji and Omi 'coughing' came from behind the door. "Uh..." There was a long silence. "I was happy."

Aya narrowed his eyes. "It didn't sound like you were happy."

I went on the defensive. "How do you know how I sound when I'm happy?"

"You yell 'why oh why oh God gross' when you're happy?"

This was going to be trickier than I thought. If Yohji caught even a sprinkle of Aya's suspicious nature then it was back to hag-hunting for him, which meant joining Schwartz for me.

"You know, this brings to mind an ancient Chinese Proverb, resplendid of the Sung Dynasty." I stroked my chin while nodding my head in what I perceived to be a philosophical manner. "Wu Wei Wu Pu Wei. Do you know what that means?"

"Do I look Chinese?" Aya snapped testily.

Oh sheesh! The guy didn't even look Japanese for that matter! It was almost like Aya wasn't a real person but rather some kind of imaginary character that served as an alter-ego for some real Japanese guy...Oh look, there was a ladybug sitting on the edge of a terracotta planter. How cute!

"Well? Do you even know what it means?"

I blinked. "Well yeah," I huffed. "It means something like 'do nothing and everything will be done'." I took some breaths and steeled myself for the cheese I was about to spew. "While it's a pretty good saying I've come to realize that you can't always do nothing because a lot of times everything won't be done. I had to take some action and so last night..." Here I paused to demurely lower my lashes. "...I did. I didn't know how the guys would react so I acted the fool but I really do like like you Aya."

Har har take that Yoj you stupid dipshit!

I decided to milk this goat for all that it was worth. Maybe I could gross Aya out so that he'd just leave me alone! And then later I could find him without the intrusions of Yohji and Omi and tell him what all these drama was about.

"So you wanna go out for dinner tonight? Like you know, on a date?"

Aya looked at me. He looked at the ceiling. He looked at his watch. He looked at the ladybug. He looked at me again. "I guess," he mumbled. "But I'm not bringing you any flowers."

I felt my eyes widen to the size of frisbees. "Say what now?"

"What do you want me to do, broadcast it?" Aya was surly. "I said I'll go on the stupid date alright! Stop trying to rub it in!"

I was flabbergasted. I mean my gas had never been so flabber in all my life. "I...I'm not," I managed to say. My head was reeling like that guy with the big head from 'The Real Korean Fishing Show'. "I'm just surprised. I never, ever imagined that you'd wanna go anywhere with me...like this."

"Oh." Aya smoothed out his apron and shifted uncomfortably. "Well don't be late then. I don't like that."

"I'm not gonna be."

"Uh that's good."

"Uh yeah."

Aya hastily stalked forward, clearly done with this conversation. I stepped aside so that he could pass. He put his hand on the door and stopped. He glanced at me. "I'll be by at six thirty."

I nodded, numb.

Aya hesitated before awkwardly patting my cheek. His hand was like ice. Then he practically spilled out of the closet, leaving me standing there like a gopher in a corn patch. A haunting possibility was slowly drifting into my mind.

What if Aya really did want to go on a date with me? Then that would mean...

Yohji stuck his head in the door. All thirty-two of his teeth were displayed to full advantage. He gave me a thumbs up. "You'll be getting some stuffin' tonight!"

I picked up the ladybug and threw it at his face.