by blablover5
Disclaimer/Explanation: As most teachers and other various professional people who are trying to make a point say, teach by example. So therefore, I have decided to make a gigantic travesty of a fic. Because of this, flames are not only welcomed, but encouraged. It means I'm doing my job. You can take this as satire, parody, or a mediocre writer being lazy by not really trying that hard. It's up to you. If this keeps one Mary Sue fic from being written then I've done my job.
Actually, I do not own a single syllable on this page. Nope I stole it all from a parallel universe of myself. Ah I wasn't using it.
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Light shined through the yawning trees conjuring a red and yellow tint to the air. A slight wind brushed a pile of October leaves across the floor of the council room. Frodo took his seat, peering cautiously at the unknown faces, catching the eye of Gloin.
Elrond raised a hand to silence the murmurs and spoke, "So folks, what's up? I here we got some bad mojo here in Ravendell. Gimli's father, got anything you want to whine about?"
"Yes," Gimli popped out of his chair, wielding his axe, "we want to go claim Moria for our own! And we'll fight you all for it!"
"Son," Gloin placed his hand on his son's shoulder, "sit down. We have received a message from Mordor asking of the hobbits and promising us some rings."
"Yeah, that's what I said!" Gimli responded.
Elrond glared at Gloin trying to place the old dwarf, but he shrugged it off, "So anyway, for no reason I am going to tell you the history of the ring. See you all remember Isildur. Yeah well he lost Sauron's ring, and that short guy over there found it."
All eyes turned to Frodo who squirmed under the scrutiny, "Gandalf, I do not understand what is happening?"
"Quiet little worm, it's my turn to speak," Gandalf rose slowly from his chair, his robes flowing behind him, "Stupid thing, I knew I should have asked Manwë to let me wear pants. Anyway, this ring must be destroyed. Because I said so, and that's that."
"Perhaps you could elaborate on the issue with Isengard and Saruman, Gandalf," Glorfindel said staring at the old wizard.
"Who the hell are you?"
"I thought you knew me Gandalf. I am Glorfindel, an elf."
"Huh, I thought you were dead. Look, the only two elves who can talk here are Elrond and Legolas. So shut up! Anyway, yeah it seems that Saruman of many colors (which was originally white, k) has turned evil. Someone else go," Gandalf slumped down into his chair, his bushy eyebrows forming a hood over his eyes as he made light snoring noises.
"Um, excuse me."
Elrond twiddled his hair through his fingers, "Yeah, what is it Boromir?"
"Well I do not want to speak out of turn or anything, but my brother and I have been plagued by these dreams. Ah hem, okay there was some stuff in the beginning that didn't really have to deal with the dream at hand. I mean everyone has that attending fight school in just his underwear dream right? Anyway, there was this voice that came from the west and it said . . ."
"It does not matter what it said. Isildur's Bane, that pretty little ring, has been found and Aragorn's going to have his sword remade."
Everyone turned to look over his shoulder (which was rather odd as they were sitting in a circle) at a woman. Her long blond hair waved in the light breeze, causing her sea blue eyes to glitter. She had one ear that was pointed and another that was rounded. Smiling at everyone, she flashed two perfect rows of teeth shining in the setting sun. The woman was dressed in a green gown, making everyone yearn for spring and summer. Calmly she walked to the council, her smile never wavering. She sat quietly in a seat directly adjacent to Legolas, "Hello, my name is Peppermint (Pepper for short) and I am here because there is no way you can accomplish this task on your own."
Never before had Legolas known true beauty, not counting that one time he peeked at his father's Playelf magazines, until he looked at the maiden across from him. "Duh, uh, Hi, I'm, um, um . . . Oh uh, what's my name again!"
Elrond picked a piece of lint off his tunic, "You're Legolas, right Aragorn?"
Aragorn nodded his shaggy head.
"Now tell us why you're here," Elrond prompted.
Legolas started to pull at his collar, "Well um, you see, uh. . ."
"What Prince Legolas here is trying to shield from you is that he has lost the creature Gollum," Pepper said (That's peppermint, my own character remember) coolly staring Legolas in the eye.
"That, that's right. Well not just me, I mean all of us elves in Mirkwood are somewhat responsible, if you look at it in a certain way. Um, see, a whole bunch of those uh nasty smelly guys came and took him and it all went bad see. Cause they tricked us, well them but not just them I mean . . ."
"Well that's just great," Gandalf stormed, "Aragorn and I go to all this trouble and waste years of our lives catching that worthless maggot and you people just lose him without a second thought. What do you think Aragorn?"
Aragorn shrugged his shoulders.
"My thoughts exactly!"
Pepper raised her hands up, trying to calm everyone, "Look Gollum is not a problem, in fact I believe that he shall have a much bigger part to play in this quest. Which, by the way you people had better think about getting to. We're not getting any younger." She illustrated this fact by tapping her watch.
Elrond seemed to be roused out of a deep sleep, "Oh yes, well, according to our agenda next we need someone to volunteer to take the ring to Mount Doom. Anyone?"
Everyone at the council looked down or up, trying to avoid Elrond's glare, "Look people we are not going anywhere until someone answers my question. Now, who is going to take this ring and probably get himself killed? Bilbo? Wait, where is Bilbo?"
"I do not believe he knew he was invited Master Elrond," Frodo glanced around at all of the company with their heads bowed, some of them even whistling. These were the people whom the fate of Middle Earth rested upon? "I really should think about moving," the Hobbit thought. Frodo's rumbling stomach reminded him that the hour was late and lunch was awaiting him. "Look," he said, still staring at that odd woman who was now making kissy faces at Legolas for no good reason, "I have carried the ring this far and have not come under its spell. I could take the ring to Mordor."
Elrond jumped out of his seat, the fastest move Frodo had seen him make since he got there, and shook his hand, "Well thanks a lot. Here's a map to Mordor, the ring, and I suppose I could assign a couple people to go with you. You know just to keep you company and all. Anyway it shouldn't be that big of a deal, I mean at worst you could get a bump on the noggin or somethin' like that."
Gandalf glanced down at Frodo, who loosely clutched the map and ring in his hand, "Whatever."
"What pickle have I gotten myself into?" Frodo asked himself.
"Um sir," Sam called out, "I seem to be stuck
in the bushes. I could use a little help."