Only Human
An Ah! My Goddess Fanfic
By Roehl Sybing (indef@infinitedeferral.com)
Chapter Five: She's Got A Way
Keiichi was having one of those mornings. The kind that appeared when the day before was so hectic and stressful that he could barely recall the details so quickly after waking up. His head rested between his arms, his face just an inch above the surface of the table, as his ears picked up sounds that barely resembled words from those around him.
"Some more tea?" Belldandy asked.
"Yes, please!" Skuld replied.
Half-exhausted, Keiichi couldn't be sure at all, but from the sound of it, Belldandy was as happy as ever. Her sisters sounded happy, too, so there seemed to be absolutely no reason that Keiichi should be unhappy.
"Don't mind him," he heard Urd say as she patted his head in a teasing manner, "He's glad that you're home."
"So am I!" Belldandy said.
He had this feeling that he should be relieved, but Keiichi was so tired that he was thankful that at least his head was firmly attached to the rest of his body. He began to recall what happened just before he collapsed onto his bed so late at night. There was an argument of sorts, in which Belldandy was quite insistent. Urd also had her voice raised as loud as possible then, causing Keiichi to be in the room where he experienced a level of ferocity that he had never before seen in Belldandy. Then...Skuld stormed out of the room...crying. Through all this, Keiichi still could not recall why. He did remember that they all made up at the end of a very long heated discussion, and called it a night. What was it? What had he forgotten?
Then, Urd snuck it in. "So, how about we give the Almighty a call today?"
"No," she replied, unflinching.
Keiichi lifted his head from the table. "Good morning," he said, with all the memories flooding back.
"But sister!" Skuld said, "It won't work unless you agree to it!"
"I don't want it to work," Belldandy replied, "THIS is what I want!"
Before he could say anything - before he could think about what to say - the conversation had deteriorated again into argument. More polite this time, more cordial this time, as Belldandy held her ground while her sisters did the same, only now trying desperately to prevent a repeat performance of last night's debacle.
Keiichi was having one of those mornings.
---
It resorted to Belldandy unexpectedly isolating herself in her room, at the first opportunity that Urd and Skuld began to instinctively argue between each other. Keiichi returned just upon their realization that they had let their sister get away from them.
"Belldandy?" he asked, pressing against her door.
"Please," she replied from inside, "Not now!"
Keiichi stepped back for a moment. It hurt for him to hear her plead in such rare frustration.
"I-I just want to talk, can we--"
"I can't!" Belldandy said firmly, "I want to, but--"
Her voice trailed off, leaving Keiichi with only questions. It was almost a given that she would want this, to be returned to normal and have her powers back. Not just because it is who she was, but that the past few days had obviously been so stressful for her. The emotions, the impulses, the physical pain...she couldn't possibly want to endure more of it!
Keiichi pleaded some more, either to come in or for her to come out. His attempt to draw closer to her was in vain, but it invited Urd into the hallway to observe.
"No luck, kid?"
He shook his head. "I've never seen her like this!"
"Maybe," Urd suggested, "Maybe if you told her that it's what you want, she'll go along with it."
Keiichi flinched. An instinctive reaction, but he was totally unprepared for what Urd was asking. "Uh," he said hesitantly, "Yeah, maybe."
"'Cause, you know, making you happy is what makes her happy, that's all."
"Long as she's happy," he said, shrugging his shoulders, slowly backpedaling away from Belldandy's door.
"Keiichi?"
"Yeah?"
"What are you doing? Tell her now!"
He stopped. Of course Urd was insistent, she was her sister. Difficult as it seems at first glance, she loved her. She wanted what was best for Belldandy. She wanted...what she thought was best for Belldandy.
"Keiichi!" she commanded.
"What?" he asked, still frozen.
"Keiichi," she said, moving up to him with suspicion, "Am I mistaken, or is it that--"
"I don't want to lie to her, Urd!" he blurted out suddenly.
Now he did it. The damage was done, and it stunned her.
"Oh, ho-ho," she said, "I see now."
"Urd," Keiichi pleaded, "It's not my call, and--"
"What kind of a man are you?" Urd demanded, "Are you afraid that she will hate you?"
He gasped, but quickly recollected himself. For once Urd had got it wrong. Had this been another place and time, her comic ignorance would have been amusing. Yet...
"You're wrong," he said, confidently shaking his head.
The two of them stood there in silence, as Urd narrowed down the possibilities until there was only one reason that Keiichi would not do as she asked.
"That's quite unlike you," she said, "Being so selfish like this."
"Urd, hold on, now--"
"Can't you see my sister is in pain right now?"
"Only because you are forcing her! I haven't done anything to upset Belldandy!"
"Well, you have to do something! She's obviously not thinking clearly!"
"Says you, I'm not so sure."
"Of course you're not sure! You don't know what it's like being like us. I know what it's like to lose my powers, and I won't have that for Belldandy!"
"Fine," Keiichi cried before storming off, "You talk to her. It's not my decision!"
Urd was left in the hallway in front of the door to Belldandy's room. "Ooh, that little worm!" she said to herself, before marching out as well.
The sound of the wood floor creaking underneath footsteps came from inside the room, with Belldandy sliding the door open and taking a look out into the hallway. She looked towards the direction where Keiichi had gone, and gave up a soft smile, one of relief.
---
Keiichi worked on the upkeep of his motorcycle to try and cool down his temper, heated up after a round with Urd. But he understood. For the moment, he could not believe himself. Maybe he wouldn't be able to convince Belldandy to change her mind, but perhaps he was being selfish too. He tried to convince himself in his head that Belldandy returning to normal was best. He was even able to concede that at the end of the day that it might very well be true. In his heart, though, Keiichi wanted other things, the most important of them being an ounce of doubt, some evidence that it was wrong.
The wrench in his hand moved as far as it would go, and before Keiichi knew it, he was tightening a bolt on his motorcycle with needless force. Lost in thought and worry, the wrench gave way, right after he had succeeded in stripping the bolt so that it could not be removed.
"Oh, dammit," he said quietly, gathering his bearings in the real world. From his position on the ground, he searched for the wrench that had skipped some distance away from him.
"Here you are," Belldandy said, once picking the tool off the floor.
"Thanks," he said. Keiichi took it from her before he realized who it even was, and went back to work for half a moment before stopping himself.
He turned around, and smiled, saying again, "Thank you."
That was the face he missed, the glowing smile of Belldandy that had been absent within the temple all day yesterday.
Instinct drove Keiichi to his first question. "You seem tired lately. Are you OK?"
Belldandy nodded as she sat down on the seat of his motorcycle, "I think so, yes."
"Where did you go yesterday?"
"I just walked around, searching for answers."
"And did you?" he asked.
"Yes, I did," she said confidently.
"Well," he said with curiosity, "Tell me about it!"
She looked away, up and into the sky, watching a bird soar through the air. "I found a flyer yesterday," she said, "There's a fair in town."
"Now, don't change the subject," he said.
"I'm not!" Belldandy replied, "Take me there, Keiichi. Please? I'll tell you everything."
The goddess reached for Keiichi's hands, and eagerly held them tight. It naturally made his heart grow wings and start to fly, but given everything he had to be just a bit more cautious. On any other occasion, Keiichi would not have hesitated for a number of heartbeats. Still, the choice would have been the same.
---
"So, what are we doing here?"
"Anything we want."
"I don't understand."
"Here, no one can disturb us."
"Yeah, I know, but here--?"
By this moment, Urd and Skuld would have long found out that they were gone. That's alright, Keiichi thought; if yesterday was any indication, it would be difficult to find him and Belldandy. And amongst the various, bustling crowds at the local fair, the two of them blended in with all the rest.
The area was nestled inside a park, with only the tallest rides and attractions - and an occasional balloon that had been let go by a child - rising above the trees. At the heart of the fairgrounds sat a small lake, surrounded by a dirt path that made for a lovers' paradise, a place for couples to share their affection within a scene of beauty.
"Keiichi," Belldandy said, "What's wrong?"
He gave a quick look around at all the romantic pairs around him. "Nothing, I just--" Keiichi said, before looking back. There, at the edge of the lake, on a patch of green grass, sat Belldandy, with her hand outstretched.
"Come here," she said, "Sit down."
Confidence welled up in the goddess' eyes as Keiichi saw a side of her that he had seldom seen when it came to the two of them. As a goddess, a sister, and at times a fighter, Belldandy often took charge with wisdom and resolve. As his partner and best friend, things were always a bit more innocent, and a whole lot simpler. Today, however, seemed to be a very different day.
Keiichi sat down right next to her, hand in hand. "Is this what you wanted?"
"Mm-hmm," Belldandy replied.
He smiled back at her, liking where the whole situation was going. "So," he said, "What was it that you were trying to tell me?"
The goddess clutched his hand a little tighter. They both looked down, and then at each other.
"This is what I want," she said.
Keiichi smiled, not quite knowing how to react to such feelings. All this time, he was still no good at it. He searched for words, and images of the morning came to the surface. The breakfast, the argument, the clash with Urd...
The words let themselves out of his mouth. "Are you sure?" he said.
Belldandy broke their contact, pulling her hand towards her. She looked at him strangely, saying, "What do you mean?"
He caught himself, mouthing the words to make sure he had said what he thought he said. A look of dumbfoundedness played all over his face, as he stumbled for yet more speech. "I...I...well..."
"I thought you understood," Belldandy said sternly, "Or at least that you respected what I wanted."
"Yes, I do!" Keiichi replied, "It's just that...your sisters, they're worried that--"
"Do you believe them?"
He was taken aback, "What?"
"Do you believe them?"
Belldandy looked at him. She glared into his eyes, searching for honesty, and Keiichi couldn't betray her. "I-I don't know."
Disappointment was read all over the goddess, and quickly she shot up and turned away.
"Even you don't understand what I'm going through!" she cried, right before storming off.
Keiichi heard his own labored breathing. For the very first time, their relationship was treading through unsteady territory. No relationship was perfect, of course, but that was no consolation to him, as he quickly followed after her.
---
One after the other, Belldandy and Keiichi zig-zagged through the pairs of lovers down the path, and his chase after the goddess led them back onto the main fairgrounds. Belldandy's newfound mortality, however, made the pursuit rather shortlived, as she was the first to stop for air after a winded run.
Belldandy pressed her hand against an upright surface, feeling the beating of her heart with the other hand. Keiichi was not far behind in catching up to her.
"Belldandy," he said once he drew near.
The goddess still searched for breath, saying, "I'm sorry."
"I probably shouldn't have--"
"No," she replied, looking up at him, "I was overreacting. I guess I still need time to sort everything out."
Keiichi returned her smile once she stood upright again, but still showed concern. "Is this what you really want?"
"Yes!" she replied with great resolution, despite her emotions being all jumbled.
"But why?" he asked, "You must be suffering, trying to adapt to it all. And you can be a goddess again, so why--"
"Does it go away?" Belldandy replied, "The suffering, does it go away?"
He paused before giving an answer. "Well, yeah," he said, "But you don't have to put up with the trouble."
"I want to."
"Why?" Keiichi asked again, insisting on a real response, "There must be something."
Belldandy gently touched his cheek, smiling softly at Keiichi. It took her a moment to frame the words together. "It's--" she started to say, "It's because of--"
Suddenly, a dust cloud kicked up in front of them, at the exit of an attraction of which all the children stormed out. They acted as rowdy as children should, running right through and past Keiichi and Belldandy, in the way of the next ride. An instant passed before the crowd of children were out of reach, but not before the goddess toppled to the ground amidst all the commotion.
Keiichi looked down frantically, "Belldandy!"
"Ouch!" she said instinctively. She sat herself up on the ground, and felt the tinge of pain on her hands and legs. A bit of dirt concealed a very slight flesh wound on the upper part of her cheek, but patches of red could not be hidden as it showed itself on her left knee.
"Oh, no," Keiichi said, kneeling down, "You're hurt--"
"Stop!" Belldandy cried as she covered her knee with her hands, "I can handle it."
"We should probably get it looked at," he insisted.
"No," she mumbled with a hint of pride, "I can take of myself."
"Belldandy..."
"It's OK, really!"
Keiichi conceded, despite what looked like a not-so-everyday bruise. As he extended his hand towards her, the least he could do was help her up.
"I'm fine, I said," Belldandy replied to his gesture as she tried to pick herself off the ground. As powerful as she once was, she was determined to at least rise from a bad fall, the simplest of tasks. But a quick gasp, and a rough landing back onto the dirt offered her some humility. At the moment, and much to her dismay, she was quite incapable of helping herself.
Belldandy winced, saying to Keiichi, "You must think I'm--"
He left his hand extended, despite her feeling the slightest bit embarrassed and expecting unintelligently a laugh or two. "Everyone needs a hand up once in a while," Keiichi said softly, "It's part of being human."
The goddess looked up at him, focusing on his outstretched hand, washing away all of her refusal to submit to dependence. She saw her pride at that moment as arrogant, and dismissed it, taking Keiichi's hand instead. A lesson she could not learn on her own, a sense of humility returned to Belldandy at a time when she was most seriously tested.
---
"She said that?"
"Yes, and that's when I slapped her."
"Belldandy!"
"I know. I'm not proud of it at all."
"Well, I can't believe she said that to you!"
"That doesn't matter. I shouldn't have, and yet, afterwards, there was this feeling...of..."
"Of what?"
"I think it's...satisfaction."
They reached the front of the line of the food stand and took what they needed for a lunch break while sitting on a nearby bench. Most of their time at the fair involved a lot of walking around, with an occasional children's ride thrown in for amusement. As far away from the temple, from her sisters, and from a phone call to the Almighty, as possible. That suited her just fine.
On the surface, and for the moment, it was the same old Belldandy, who enjoyed the simple pleasures of life, who easily took joy in everything she did, and who made every moment that Keiichi experienced with her worth living. Her smile, her eyes, and everything about her made it difficult to tell what she had been through lately. It was Belldandy, without a doubt, the goddess that Keiichi loved.
Yet, to hear her speak was nearly frightening as it was fascinating. It was not just listening to Belldandy say that she almost enjoyed hitting Sayoko for a few unkind words, though that was what really made Keiichi that he was getting in over his head.
To Keiichi, she was the same, and she was very much different, but none of it explained why Belldandy, for whatever reason, would want to remain as she was. Only that, beneath the surface of her behavior, she had acquired a rough edge that made being around her a little more...complicated.
"It's not true," Keiichi said, "What Sayoko said, it's not true."
"Uh-huh," Belldandy replied, "I know."
Distracted and unconvinced, she broke away from him, walking towards one of the attractions. Keiichi was certainly dismayed; for all of his persuasions and reassurances to ease her doubts, he was not reaching Belldandy. He clenched his fists in frustration, trying to restrain himself as she walked about with the impression that she was out of her element.
He walked around Belldandy and stood in front of her, pleading to her, "I don't care what anyone else says! I love you! I love no one else but you!"
Belldandy smiled weakly, and looked away, saying, "The way things were, you can't be happy forever. I know that now."
"What are you talking about?"
"At least like this, there's a chance I can--"
"Stop it!" Keiichi replied, being the most insistent he had been in quite a while, "You may have your doubts, but I don't! What do I--"
"Something more from a woman," Belldandy mumbled to herself, the sound of Sayoko's voice still fresh in her mind.
"What?"
She remained silent for a moment, then turning her head to Keiichi and pointing up, saying, "Let's go on this ride."
Keiichi's jaw dropped. He knew not how to react, but finally gave up trying to win any argument, if one existed at all. He looked up at the roller coaster pointed out by Belldandy.
"OK," he said.
---
Belldandy's sudden desire to do something impulsive slowly disappeared as she and Keiichi waited in a moving line for the mini-roller coaster. She watched the passengers zoom by, moving up and down and turning in all directions at an unnerving pace. In her stomach was that feeling again. Fear. Adversity. But for as long as she could remember, Belldandy had never backed down from anything in her life. It is only now, in her current state, that she had felt this threatened.
"This is safe, right?"
"Yeah, it should be," Keiichi replied, "We've been in races more dangerous than this."
"I know," Belldandy said, "But this is different."
"What do you mean--oh," he said. He looked down at the makeshift bandage that covered the goddess' knee - a reminder of her mortality - and understood that, without the powers that made her a goddess, things were quite different.
"There's nothing to be afraid of," he said, "That's all part of the fun."
Another wave of riders raced past them as they continued to wait in line. "See?"
"What if the restraints don't work? Or it stops in the middle? Or there's--"
"Alright, alright!" Keiichi said, laughing but all the while trying to comfort her, "I guess there are risks. That's why some people don't ride roller coasters, it makes them afraid."
Belldandy asked curiously, "What about you? Don't you have any fears?"
Keiichi's head dipped down, "Yeah, I guess. To tell you the truth...I'm afraid all the time."
"Really?" she asked, tilting her head, "Of what?"
"Of losing you," he thought, not saying it but smiling at her to avoid the question.
More riders zoomed by, but this time Belldandy and Keiichi were in the next group to get on board, just as soon as the ride was emptied.
The goddess looked at him again, "I guess if you face up to your fears..."
"It's the only way," Keiichi replied, taking Belldandy by the hand and leading her into the seat next to him in one of the cars.
"Just relax," he said, "I'll be right here."
Belldandy nodded as the ride jerked forward and started on its way. All this time, a gut feeling deep inside of her made her hesitant to follow through on her desire, but it was too late to turn back as the restraints kept her firmly planted to the seat. She would have to take what was coming to her.
The first bump in the track was easy, a quick rise up and a sudden drop offered a chance to elevate Belldandy's heartrate and anxiety. Her pulse quickened and she let go a nervous laugh to let Keiichi know that she was still there. She felt his arm wrap around so that his hand could hold her shoulder, and a slight sensation, a feeling of security, enveloped her as another climb in the track led to a more precipitous decline and an unsure, angled turn to the left.
The ride sped up from the pace to which the goddess had just grown accustomed. The pressure began to mount as she and Keiichi looped around a steep turn. Suddenly, another drop in the track, and it seemed that this roller coaster ride could not get any more turbulent. Either that, or Belldandy couldn't bear another second of it. She wasn't sure.
Yet, she opened her eyes again, after ducking down for a brief second to shut it all out. The car evened itself out, and Belldandy realized that she had just sped past another rise and fall in the track, all without her noticing. As the sight of the track in front of her flashed by, the anxiety in her stomach had suddenly disappeared. Her breathing was still rapid and her heart was still racing, but the goddess ignored it all. She could focus on the ride in front of her, and Keiichi by her side, and in confronting her adversity Belldandy was no longer afraid. Of course, the roller coaster could still be unsafe, her seat could give way or the ride could come to a sudden halt. But there was no use in worrying about it now, and even as helpless as she felt, Keiichi was holding her close, ever present to the end.
The final turn in the track revealed a very steep uphill climb, most surely to be followed by the biggest, and most exciting, drop back to where they all started. Belldandy took one deep breath and held on tightly to Keiichi, not with uncertainty, but anticipation.
---
The ride stopped at the beginning, and as all the other riders began to leave so that others can take their places, Keiichi looked at Belldandy. During the whole time, he was trying to keep his own stomach in check. For him it was thrilling, if only unsettling enough for him not to do again too soon; it must've been too much for her to tolerate, but at least it was over.
"That was...wonderful!"
"Huh?"
"Let's do that again!" Belldandy said eagerly.
A stunned Keiichi looked at her, "You mean you liked it?"
"Well," she replied, trying to get it all out while catching her breath, "It was so terrifying at first, and for a moment, I didn't believe that I would make it, but...it just became so exciting!"
"Yeah," he said, "I guess that last turn did everyone skip a beat."
"No, that's not it!" Belldandy cried, naturally helping Keiichi away the roller coaster, "I was afraid, like never before. And then...I wasn't! I faced my fear, and it disappeared. It's a wonderful feeling!"
He nodded his head, happy for Belldandy, but unable to say it as he rested partly on her. Perhaps he was more uncomfortable than he thought.
"Let's come back later to do this again!" she insisted.
"Unh," Keiichi groaned, "Don't be so hasty! Oh, no, I think I'm gonna..."
---
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" Belldandy said, "This is what I want!"
They had returned to the lake at nightfall, and sat with everyone else on the grass, with a perfect view of the fireworks above. All the while, Keiichi tried to reason with her, "You won't have your powers. You won't be able to fulfill any wishes. You won't be able to do your duties--"
"Right now," she interrupted, "My duty is to be by your side, and I don't need any powers to do that."
"Yes, but why would you want to--"
Belldandy took her hand and placed it on Keiichi's thigh, much to his surprise. "I get...a feeling," she tried to explain, "When I do something like this, there's a feeling, and I think I like it. I've never felt it until now, when I'm...human."
Keiichi gasped, as Belldandy's hand pressed against his thigh. He knew what she was feeling, as he also experienced it.
He asked jokingly, "You won't run out on us again, will you?"
The goddess laughed, and shook her head, "I'm still frightened by it all...these new emotions can be so powerful. But I just need to conquer these fears, and I'll...maybe I'll be able to truly make you happy."
"You never needed to anything more to make me happy."
Belldandy leaned forward, "Not like this. Not like..."
Keiichi focused on her lips, drawing closer for a kiss. He couldn't possibly disappoint her, so he held her chin before making his move.
"Wait!" Belldandy cried, and broke away. She giggled nervously, "I'm sorry!"
"It's OK, it's OK," Keiichi replied. He was beginning to get used to being this close without actually having it.
She shied away, "I believe I still have more to learn."
"So you won't change your mind."
"No. Does that disappoint you?"
"I just want you to be happy, that's all."
Belldandy smiled, and leaned her head on his shoulder out of exhaustion. "I can be. I will be."
"So," Keiichi asked out of curiosity, "How will you explain this to the others?"
"I don't know," she replied, closing her eyes and yawning, all the while making a brief, amateur attempt at humor, "I've been making it up as I go along."
He laughed softly at her ability to dodge the question. Then Keiichi looked up suddenly, as a flare lit up the sky and burst into a light pattern that amazed all those below. The fireworks had only begun, and it caught his attention.
"Look, Belldandy," he said. Yet, when he looked down at the goddess, she had already drifted off to sleep, after a long and eventful day. Keiichi sighed, gently bringing Belldandy down to rest on his lap. He looked at her as the light of the fireworks reflected on her delicate face.
"You're wrong," he said to her, "Nothing can make me happier than this. But...you're welcome to find out."
TO BE CONTINUED.