Gandalf looked over at Aragorn, who still nobly guarded the East door, "Well we're safe now. Let's leave." Aragorn nodded at the wizard and helped Boromir off the floor. He was none too happy, having his meditation interrupted, but a glare from Aragorn was enough to get Boromir moving.
Gandalf nudged Gimli out the door with his staff and called, "Legolas, get the hobbits and get out of there." Then he passed through the door with a cursing Gimli in tow.
Legolas put away his bow and jumped off the tomb, "We, we really need to think about leaving. Come on, Gandalf's waiting for us and all. I, I think we need to leave now."
Frodo turned most of his body away from that girl Mar, or whatever she chose to call herself, Sting still trained on her. He walked slowly to the door, Mar practically hanging on his arm. Frodo thought briefly about pushing her down the stairs and running, but the looming presence of Gandalf right outside the door prevented him.
The other hobbits for the most part seemed to ignore the world around them. "Hey Merry, do you have any vowels?"
"Nah Pip, go fish." Pippin grabbed a stone and threw it across the floor. He then jumped up and skipped across the room.
"Uno!" Sam yelled out.
Legolas stammered at the three hobbits, "Now come on, we really need to, uh, be leaving now. And I think we should leave. Now."
Merry finally noticed the elf, "Ah, come on Legolas. I almost have their queen. We can't quit now."
"Yeah I thought you were cool," Pippin called from a corner.
"GET OUT OF THAT BLOODY ROOM OR I'LL SMASH YOUR FACES IN!" Gandalf roared from the door.
The wizard's threat was enough to get everyone moving and finally the fellowship left the much-ransacked tomb. Gandalf paused in front of the door and held his arms out, readying to make some closing spell. Suddenly the Wizard paused and looked around. His eagle eyes spotted something and he piled rotting wood against the door. When he was finished, he wiped his hands off.
"Do you think that will hold?" Frodo asked, very concerned as the door opened towards the inside.
"What the hell do you care," Gandalf picked up Frodo and started running down the stairs. This surprised Frodo enough that he dropped Sting. He was about to say something when Mar suddenly popped up next to him, Sting in her hand.
"Ha ha, uh. Would you, uh, would you give that back to me?" Frodo asked, his hand shaking as he reached out for Sting.
Mar looked at his hand and then shrugged noncommittally, "Sure, whatever."
As the hobbit bobbled in the wizard's arms, Mar passed his sword back. As soon as it was in his hands, Frodo turned the weapon back on the girl who didn't really notice. In fact, now she was skipping forward to join Aragorn and then back to Legolas, as the company raced down the stairs.
"Gandalf," Boromir called out, "I believe we are coming close to the bridge of Khaza-doom. By that I mean that I can see a small bridge at the end of our run, which I am assuming is our intended target." At that moment, a small chanticleer hit Boromir in the face, interrupting his train of thought.
Orcs crawled out of the high windows to launch an air attack at the fellowship. All kinds of known fowl descended upon the group. A small teal hit Gandalf's hat and settled there. Frodo ducked to avoid being hit by a pheasant. Merry and Pippin grabbed a hold of a goose and Sam stuffed it into his pack for a late supper. Legolas paused to take aim, but all of the down feathers were playing havoc on his allergies and the watery eyes prevented him from seeing beyond a few meters.
"We must move," Gandalf hollered out, "I fear they are preparing their cow catapult."
Mar was leaning down, trying to pick up a rather pretty feather that had fallen onto the stairs, when the fellowship kicked it into overdrive and almost squashed her. The bridge of Caza-dum was close, so Gandalf dropped Frodo and told the little pipsqueak to run. Quickly, the hobbits raced across the narrow bridge a few even pausing to hopscotch across. Aragorn, Legolas, and Boromir took the crossing at a slower pace, the thought of looking down never entering their minds. Gimli was lead across by Mar, who kept insisting that he not be afraid.
"Madam," Gimli answered, "I am not afraid of heights. For God sakes it was dwarves who built this place!"
"It's okay," Mar said, "I'll help you." Finally, everyone was across except for Gandalf who did not seem to be in any hurry.
Gimli turned and yelled at him, "What, are you waiting for a bus? Get the hell over here!"
At that moment, the wall behind Gandalf gave and fire burst through. But it was fire with a clear shape like something out of Poe. It lowered its mouth at Gandalf and bellowed at him. This was enough of a hint to get the Wizard moving. He flew across the first half of the bridge and paused, turning around to face the fire monster.
Pippin nudged Merry and said, "See I told you it's true."
"Yeah yeah, so I owe you five bucks big deal."
Frodo looked over at the younger hobbits, "What? What is true."
"You know Frodo," Pippin explained, "that old urban legend about people who buy cute little Balrogs but once they tire of them, flush 'em down the toilet. They say the Balrogs end up in Moria where they grow into adults."
The Balrog roared again and raised up onto its back legs, its wings flared out. Gandalf steeled himself. He jammed his staff into the stone bridge and waited. The Balrog approached, one foot slamming down and shaking the whole of Moria. Another foot came down, and Gandalf snapped into action.
The old Wizard produced a plastic pistol from behind his back. He pulled the trigger and water spewed forth. The Balrog was hit right in the face and it cried out in pain. The creature stepped back and Gandalf surged forward, stopping only to pump up his water gun. Finally, the pain was too horrible to bear. The Balrog jumped off the bridge and fell into obscurity.
Gandalf turned to face the fellowship and gather up his staff, but on the way across his boot hit a patch of water and the old man slipped and fell. As he plummeted off the bridge he cried out, "I can't fly you fools!"
Aragorn watched the Wizard plummet and caught onto Frodo before the hobbit could race back out to the bridge. Frodo tried to kick him and hit him, anything so he could be let go, but the Ranger shifted the squirming hobbit onto his shoulders and turned to depart, "Come, we must leave."
Each member of the fellowship turned away from the
bridge and headed after Aragorn. Mar skipped and pranced happily behind
them.
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Review Response: Here's where I review all of my reviewers!
(Before you all jump down my throat, and I understand why you would, I asked each of these people if I could do this and these people said yes.)
Mbradford: So you think you could never flame me? What are you a lying chicken, because I see this as a flame. You know, whenever you applaud loudly you kill millions of spores, and these spores could grow into living beings. How can you do that to these little spores? Just because I write a story, that some consider to be a Mary Sue, does not mean that I am foolish. Perhaps you need to get a dictionary to find what foolish means. Then you'll see that I am not a clown. I only wear big floppy red shoes on the weekends! I am sorry that you keep coming up blank, but I will have you realize that I missed thousands of ways I could have made my story better! Any one else would have noticed this! I've had enough with talking to you and using exclamation points, so I am going to stop now!
Madmartigan: I am sorry that you think my story, which I have spent almost thirty minutes of my life on, is so hilarious. I try to present to the world my own personal input on the LOTR movies, I mean book, and all you can do is laugh. I am shocked and appalled at how heartless you are to other writers. However thank you for noticing my extensive descriptions ala how easily people can tell Legolas' hair color.
Emerald Griffin: I am glad that you were so moved by my story that you considered it painful when you came to the end. I have never heard my work described as being so moving that it can make the little hairs on the back of a person's neck rise before. That one review was enough to make me run off and simultaneously abandon five stories almost exactly like the one I have written. Thank you for being so brutally honest unlike the flamers above.
(In all reality thank you Mbradford, Madmartigan, and Emerald Griffin
for taking the time to write out a review and for letting me poke a bit
of fun at you. This was so much fun I might do it again.)