When Fred finally left the Hospital Wing for the first time since
that fateful day when he offended the Slytherin feminists and homosexuals
within a few hours of each other, he wet himself. Then, following the
family tradition, he jumped up and down yelling "Jebadiah! Mopboard!" for
all to hear. All too soon, night fell, so he felt compelled to pet a
moose. There were no meese at Hogwarts, however, so he settled for going
to bed.
The next day, Fred put some pants on. Then he realized he was an aspiring nudist. He took his pants off. Then he realized he was not an aspiring nudist. He put his pants on. The Slytherin nudists all came and bit him on his squashed nose. They were insulted.
"Get away from me, you nabis!" he yelled at them. (Definition: nabis- a group of French artists. According to The Official Scrabble Dictionary of 1978) They all cried and flew away, singing "I Believe I Can Fly" in Mandarin Chinese.
Fred smiled seductively at the clock and went in search of the Prime Minister, who was nowhere to be seen. He looked in Snape's classroom and found the professor looking very short and green. The students he was teaching were all looking very deceased. Fred wondered what was going on.
"I wonder what is going on."
"I'll tell you what's going on!" barked Snape, sounding very much like an angry dog. Fred looked at him expectantly, but he did not say another word. Fred waited for half an hour, but the short, green man just stared at him.
Then Pansy Parkinson yelled, "I'm pregnant!" and Fred thought it best to float away stylishly.
In the Entrance Hall he found Ronaldo, who was looking very sour and had a very tall top hat on. The two brothers had an intense debate on new scientific theories before tap-dancing out the door, arm in arm, into the sunset. It had been a very short debate because they didn't know any scientific theories. And how could they? Hogwarts didn't teach science! For many hours after that, no one could speak, except for those who had read a Jane Austen novel. Hermione, who had been too wrapped up in her studying to read good literature, was permanently traumatized. She had never gone so long without saying something intelligent.
When Fred could talk again, he became a suicidal teenager and began to write poems. All of them were very similar to the following:
I am a tortured soul No one cares about me I am becoming empty Because no one understands There is no joy left Death will save me From this painful existence
Then Professor Flitwick found one of his poems in his notebook and began to cackle like a madman until he died. Fred never wrote a poem ever again. Which was a shame; he had such a promising future as a poet, don't you think?
At Professor Flitwick's funeral, everyone hit Fred over the head with their tongue ceremoniously. Then they all spun around in circles until they passed out, except for Neville, who fell in love with an umbrella. Then Flitwick came back to life looking more camel-ish than he had before.
When everyone woke up and saw the dead Professor living, they killed him joyously to celebrate his resurrection. Fred felt ill and decided to take a hike around the school. While doing this, he passed Dumbledore in the hallway waving around a large polka-dotted dress.
"Professor?"
"Yes, Fred or George?" he said pleasantly.
"What are you doing?"
"I am doing my laundry!" he said dejectedly. Then he smiled suspiciously, did a handstand, and walked away.
Fred shrugged and decided that the grounds were a more satisfactory place to walk because he had less of a chance of running into mad professors. He bumped into Hagrid, however, who, without saying a word, dumped a bag of hair ornaments onto his head.
"I HAVE EARS!" yelled Dumbledore wisely.
"I'M UPSIDE-DOWN!" sang Hermione mournfully.
"MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM!" I signed in Sign Language.
And then Voldemort killed Harry Potter, once and for all.
The next day, Fred put some pants on. Then he realized he was an aspiring nudist. He took his pants off. Then he realized he was not an aspiring nudist. He put his pants on. The Slytherin nudists all came and bit him on his squashed nose. They were insulted.
"Get away from me, you nabis!" he yelled at them. (Definition: nabis- a group of French artists. According to The Official Scrabble Dictionary of 1978) They all cried and flew away, singing "I Believe I Can Fly" in Mandarin Chinese.
Fred smiled seductively at the clock and went in search of the Prime Minister, who was nowhere to be seen. He looked in Snape's classroom and found the professor looking very short and green. The students he was teaching were all looking very deceased. Fred wondered what was going on.
"I wonder what is going on."
"I'll tell you what's going on!" barked Snape, sounding very much like an angry dog. Fred looked at him expectantly, but he did not say another word. Fred waited for half an hour, but the short, green man just stared at him.
Then Pansy Parkinson yelled, "I'm pregnant!" and Fred thought it best to float away stylishly.
In the Entrance Hall he found Ronaldo, who was looking very sour and had a very tall top hat on. The two brothers had an intense debate on new scientific theories before tap-dancing out the door, arm in arm, into the sunset. It had been a very short debate because they didn't know any scientific theories. And how could they? Hogwarts didn't teach science! For many hours after that, no one could speak, except for those who had read a Jane Austen novel. Hermione, who had been too wrapped up in her studying to read good literature, was permanently traumatized. She had never gone so long without saying something intelligent.
When Fred could talk again, he became a suicidal teenager and began to write poems. All of them were very similar to the following:
I am a tortured soul No one cares about me I am becoming empty Because no one understands There is no joy left Death will save me From this painful existence
Then Professor Flitwick found one of his poems in his notebook and began to cackle like a madman until he died. Fred never wrote a poem ever again. Which was a shame; he had such a promising future as a poet, don't you think?
At Professor Flitwick's funeral, everyone hit Fred over the head with their tongue ceremoniously. Then they all spun around in circles until they passed out, except for Neville, who fell in love with an umbrella. Then Flitwick came back to life looking more camel-ish than he had before.
When everyone woke up and saw the dead Professor living, they killed him joyously to celebrate his resurrection. Fred felt ill and decided to take a hike around the school. While doing this, he passed Dumbledore in the hallway waving around a large polka-dotted dress.
"Professor?"
"Yes, Fred or George?" he said pleasantly.
"What are you doing?"
"I am doing my laundry!" he said dejectedly. Then he smiled suspiciously, did a handstand, and walked away.
Fred shrugged and decided that the grounds were a more satisfactory place to walk because he had less of a chance of running into mad professors. He bumped into Hagrid, however, who, without saying a word, dumped a bag of hair ornaments onto his head.
"I HAVE EARS!" yelled Dumbledore wisely.
"I'M UPSIDE-DOWN!" sang Hermione mournfully.
"MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM!" I signed in Sign Language.
And then Voldemort killed Harry Potter, once and for all.