A/N-The author is sorry for her recent lack of chapters. School is
no fun and very time consuming. It is very hard to write a funny story when
you are having no fun and you have no time.
Fred was depressed. He had lost his best friend, whom he called Shistopholoph. Shistopholph was a very polite and patient rock and, though he never had much to say, he was very loveable. Fred wept dramatically all through breakfast. Out of loyalty and respect for his friend, he decided to grow a unibrow.
While Fred was achieving this feat, Hermione was running with a large chain saw to her first class (Arithmancy).
"I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!" she shrieked, near traumatized. As her footfalls and chain saw ceased to be heard, Ronaldo said a profound and wise thing.
All who heard died of shock, except for Dead Harry, whose reaction was of a very different sort.
"Ron!" he scolded, "You are the FUNNY sidekick! Not the SMART sidekick and not the WISE sidekick, the FUNNY sidekick!" He slapped him on the wrist and stormed off to be a moody teenager, tail feathers high in the air.
Ron shrugged. He didn't care. After all, Dead Harry was dead. Why should he care what a dead person thought of him? He laughed. Hard. He collapsed. And knocked himself out. All his friends laughed at him. Hard. They collapsed. And knocked themselves out. I laughed at them. Hard. I collapsed. And knocked myself out. I looked around sheepishly _ and continued with the story. . .
Ginny Weasley (who I have yet to mention) was debating whether to assassinate Hagrid's pumpkins or become a rock star. She settled for the nunnery. However, she got a glimpse of Harry the Handsome before following through with her decision and changed her mind, as all girls would have. They snogged for a few days and then passed out for lack of air. When she awoke all her brothers were in the process of hanging Harry for being caught with their little sister. "NO!" she cried, as Percival Ignatius slipped the noose over Harry the Handsome's handsome head. As Ron began making the rope go from slack to taut, Ginny weeped, "But I LOVE him! You can't! Oh, please my brother, do not wound me so!" This is the moment for the Lovely Readers to notice that Harry was already dead and could not possibly die AGAIN. I will allow you a moment to shake your Lovely heads in disapproval and make a note to flame me for my inconsistency.
Ron decided not to kill Harry. They all did the Mexican Hat Dance like house elves on Butterbeer, except Ginny, who preferred to hula spastically.
We interrupt their festivities and move on to our second HG/SS scene. I know you all want more of those (note the sarcasm)!
"Oh Sevvie!" said Hermione (Sevvie?! Honestly, that's worse than Ronnykins! Please, people spare me!). "What?" he growled passionately. "Kiss me!" "GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!" he said devotedly. "Oh!" said Hermione, "I wasn't talking to YOU! I meant RON!" She galloped off in Ronaldo's arms on a white horse. A look of profound relief came across the short, green Professor's face almost as fast as it came across the Disgusted Reader's faces. Magically, however, Hermione reappeared and they simultaneously ran into each other's embrace. Their skulls collided and they were both knocked out. Snape was fired for attacking a student. Then he was rehired because Dumblydorr remembered that he was a faithful spy. "My memory. . ." said the OLD man tragically.
Ron continued galloping for several miles before he realized Hermione had disappeared. He cried pitifully. Then his numerous fan girls ran to give him a hug and he felt much better. He allowed all the pretty ones to stay for awhile at the school, which caused many problems like the house elves getting set loose into the wild to fend for themselves and termites eating the Transfiguration Wing, as well as many plugged toilets and Malfoy getting kidnapped multiple times for purposes such as making him model underwear or being their slave. From that day forth Dumbledore banned all fan girls.
As a result, the Slytherin feminists lynched him while screaming, "Why just the GIRLS?!" Luckily, the poor OLD man managed to live through it.
"I'm pregnant!" screamed Pansy Parkinson. Everyone pointed at her and laughed. She ran off crying to change into her Animagus form. Which was *suspenseful pause* A MONSTER!
She roared, but nobody cared. How sad.
Snape, dressed in drag, stood on the Gryffindor table and began to sing:
"You better shape up! 'Cause I need a man! And my he-art is set on yooou
You better shape up! You better understa-a-and To my heart I must be truuue
You're the one that I wa-ant You are the one I want Ooh-ooh-ooh Honey!
The one that I wa-ant You are the one I want
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
The one I neeeeed Oh yes indee-ee-eed!"
Everyone who witnessed this assault on his or her ears fell to the ground twitching except the devoted Snape-fan-girls, who had snuck into the school. As he was singing, they were beating up Hermione for kissing him a few chapters ago and sighing dreamily simultaneously.
Then Fred's twin brother, whose name I will not mention to avoid any embarrassment, went water skiing in the lake. For our purposes, we will call him Demitri. Then Demitri realized that he had no water skis. He fell down, down, doooooooown, dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. . .
McGonnagall left to pursue a career in the culinary arts. Her peanut butter sandwiches had brought her a small amount of fame around Hogwarts already.
Fred was depressed. He had lost his best friend, whom he called Shistopholoph. Shistopholph was a very polite and patient rock and, though he never had much to say, he was very loveable. Fred wept dramatically all through breakfast. Out of loyalty and respect for his friend, he decided to grow a unibrow.
While Fred was achieving this feat, Hermione was running with a large chain saw to her first class (Arithmancy).
"I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!" she shrieked, near traumatized. As her footfalls and chain saw ceased to be heard, Ronaldo said a profound and wise thing.
All who heard died of shock, except for Dead Harry, whose reaction was of a very different sort.
"Ron!" he scolded, "You are the FUNNY sidekick! Not the SMART sidekick and not the WISE sidekick, the FUNNY sidekick!" He slapped him on the wrist and stormed off to be a moody teenager, tail feathers high in the air.
Ron shrugged. He didn't care. After all, Dead Harry was dead. Why should he care what a dead person thought of him? He laughed. Hard. He collapsed. And knocked himself out. All his friends laughed at him. Hard. They collapsed. And knocked themselves out. I laughed at them. Hard. I collapsed. And knocked myself out. I looked around sheepishly _ and continued with the story. . .
Ginny Weasley (who I have yet to mention) was debating whether to assassinate Hagrid's pumpkins or become a rock star. She settled for the nunnery. However, she got a glimpse of Harry the Handsome before following through with her decision and changed her mind, as all girls would have. They snogged for a few days and then passed out for lack of air. When she awoke all her brothers were in the process of hanging Harry for being caught with their little sister. "NO!" she cried, as Percival Ignatius slipped the noose over Harry the Handsome's handsome head. As Ron began making the rope go from slack to taut, Ginny weeped, "But I LOVE him! You can't! Oh, please my brother, do not wound me so!" This is the moment for the Lovely Readers to notice that Harry was already dead and could not possibly die AGAIN. I will allow you a moment to shake your Lovely heads in disapproval and make a note to flame me for my inconsistency.
Ron decided not to kill Harry. They all did the Mexican Hat Dance like house elves on Butterbeer, except Ginny, who preferred to hula spastically.
We interrupt their festivities and move on to our second HG/SS scene. I know you all want more of those (note the sarcasm)!
"Oh Sevvie!" said Hermione (Sevvie?! Honestly, that's worse than Ronnykins! Please, people spare me!). "What?" he growled passionately. "Kiss me!" "GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!" he said devotedly. "Oh!" said Hermione, "I wasn't talking to YOU! I meant RON!" She galloped off in Ronaldo's arms on a white horse. A look of profound relief came across the short, green Professor's face almost as fast as it came across the Disgusted Reader's faces. Magically, however, Hermione reappeared and they simultaneously ran into each other's embrace. Their skulls collided and they were both knocked out. Snape was fired for attacking a student. Then he was rehired because Dumblydorr remembered that he was a faithful spy. "My memory. . ." said the OLD man tragically.
Ron continued galloping for several miles before he realized Hermione had disappeared. He cried pitifully. Then his numerous fan girls ran to give him a hug and he felt much better. He allowed all the pretty ones to stay for awhile at the school, which caused many problems like the house elves getting set loose into the wild to fend for themselves and termites eating the Transfiguration Wing, as well as many plugged toilets and Malfoy getting kidnapped multiple times for purposes such as making him model underwear or being their slave. From that day forth Dumbledore banned all fan girls.
As a result, the Slytherin feminists lynched him while screaming, "Why just the GIRLS?!" Luckily, the poor OLD man managed to live through it.
"I'm pregnant!" screamed Pansy Parkinson. Everyone pointed at her and laughed. She ran off crying to change into her Animagus form. Which was *suspenseful pause* A MONSTER!
She roared, but nobody cared. How sad.
Snape, dressed in drag, stood on the Gryffindor table and began to sing:
"You better shape up! 'Cause I need a man! And my he-art is set on yooou
You better shape up! You better understa-a-and To my heart I must be truuue
You're the one that I wa-ant You are the one I want Ooh-ooh-ooh Honey!
The one that I wa-ant You are the one I want
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
The one I neeeeed Oh yes indee-ee-eed!"
Everyone who witnessed this assault on his or her ears fell to the ground twitching except the devoted Snape-fan-girls, who had snuck into the school. As he was singing, they were beating up Hermione for kissing him a few chapters ago and sighing dreamily simultaneously.
Then Fred's twin brother, whose name I will not mention to avoid any embarrassment, went water skiing in the lake. For our purposes, we will call him Demitri. Then Demitri realized that he had no water skis. He fell down, down, doooooooown, dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. . .
McGonnagall left to pursue a career in the culinary arts. Her peanut butter sandwiches had brought her a small amount of fame around Hogwarts already.