I cried. After days and weeks and months of remaining completely focused
and never abandoning my hope, I cried. I wept, I sobbed, I lay down on the
four-post and let myself sink into the whining springs.
The planning had been lengthy. It was not as though I hadn't had time to realize it. I just never believed it would happen. This wasn't my life; I wasn't part of the plans. They weren't preparing this for ME. Someone else, some other girl; she'd be the one standing with her back to hundreds of people who would watch her recite those meaningless lines. I was merely a stand-in - an understudy. When she returned from wherever she had gone, the way would be clear for me and I would pack up my bags once again, ready to board the train.
The mirror stabbed me. It was merciless. 'This dress is not me,' I told myself, and then firmly, 'It is not ME.'
But Maimee would never let me forget who I was. "I can't believe I ever allowed you to stay with your Uncle," she would smartly rasp, while fussily adjusting the buttonhooks that were hidden among the frills. "After awhile I realized what a mistake it was - that's why I sent for you."
I smiled and stared at myself through the lying glass. "How foolish," I chuckled, meaning of course how foolish she was to believe I belonged in this city.
"Yes," she acknowledged thinly, "how foolish."
But now there was no Maimee to oppose me. It was only the mirror; that lying, cheating, bastard of a window that led me on endlessly and then roughly dropped me when the final moment came. This story would end tragically, I knew. I knew but I couldn't believe it.
"So." I stood entirely still for a long time, just staring at myself, alone. Just the mirror and I. I detested the beads, the frills...the color white.
White...
White was Racetrack's button-down, long-sleeved, over-sized shirt. The scent of him...
White was the part of his eyes that surrounded dark heaven. What was to become of the color white?
"This is your life." As I surrendered the words huskily, I thought of all that I had been, all I had become, and all that I would forevermore be. I had become with him - he, I finally realized, was all that I am. And now no one would ever see what was behind the prison doors.
My nuptial prison.
The planning had been lengthy. It was not as though I hadn't had time to realize it. I just never believed it would happen. This wasn't my life; I wasn't part of the plans. They weren't preparing this for ME. Someone else, some other girl; she'd be the one standing with her back to hundreds of people who would watch her recite those meaningless lines. I was merely a stand-in - an understudy. When she returned from wherever she had gone, the way would be clear for me and I would pack up my bags once again, ready to board the train.
The mirror stabbed me. It was merciless. 'This dress is not me,' I told myself, and then firmly, 'It is not ME.'
But Maimee would never let me forget who I was. "I can't believe I ever allowed you to stay with your Uncle," she would smartly rasp, while fussily adjusting the buttonhooks that were hidden among the frills. "After awhile I realized what a mistake it was - that's why I sent for you."
I smiled and stared at myself through the lying glass. "How foolish," I chuckled, meaning of course how foolish she was to believe I belonged in this city.
"Yes," she acknowledged thinly, "how foolish."
But now there was no Maimee to oppose me. It was only the mirror; that lying, cheating, bastard of a window that led me on endlessly and then roughly dropped me when the final moment came. This story would end tragically, I knew. I knew but I couldn't believe it.
"So." I stood entirely still for a long time, just staring at myself, alone. Just the mirror and I. I detested the beads, the frills...the color white.
White...
White was Racetrack's button-down, long-sleeved, over-sized shirt. The scent of him...
White was the part of his eyes that surrounded dark heaven. What was to become of the color white?
"This is your life." As I surrendered the words huskily, I thought of all that I had been, all I had become, and all that I would forevermore be. I had become with him - he, I finally realized, was all that I am. And now no one would ever see what was behind the prison doors.
My nuptial prison.