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The company assembled on the banks of Anduin, debating upon where they should go next. After receiving a rather threatening eviction notice from Galadriel the night earlier they had all packed up and prepared to leave. "So what you are suggesting Boromir is that we take the ring to your city?" Aragorn said.

"No, I do not in any way remember making that statement."

"Oh well. . ."

"But now that the suggestion has been brought up, I recommend we do that," Boromir said as he picked at a flower on the ground.

"Why don't we just cut out the middle man and slip the ring right onto your finger!" Gimli roared. Boromir looked up at the dwarf, shock etched in squiggly little lines across his face. A quick shake of his head and Boromir's face reset.

Legolas spoke up, "We could, uh, always, you know, take the ring to my er father's land."

"Why in the world would we turn around and take the ring to Mirkwood?" Aragorn asked.

"Well it was, uh, just a suggestion, you know."

"What had Gandalf originally planed, Aragorn?" Frodo asked, the only Hobbit at the meeting. From the information he could gather Merry and Pippin had remained in the woods of Lothlorien, trying to build their own fortification. Sam was acting as head supervisor.

Aragorn looked at Frodo, who squirmed under his gaze and found himself fingering the ring.

"You don't know do you Aragorn?" Mar said, perched high up in a tree.

Aragorn shook his head and abdicated to the spit-takingly beautiful girl, elf, no wait. What is she again? "You see," Mar said as she dropped perfectly onto the ground, "before Gandalf fell he told only me his secret plans, but I don't really think I want to tell you. Anyway, Boromir may wish to go back to his home, Minus Tiruthy."

"I do?" Boromir interrupted.

"But I say we take this river, Anduin, and waste more time giving the Orcs a greater chance to kill us all, before we make any kind of decision. Besides, I wouldn't want my little hobbity-wobbity to sprain his ankly-wankly," Mar said to Frodo who blanched at her innuendo.

Everyone else nodded his head in agreement (to taking the river, not to Frodo spraining his ankle). Frodo, who was still trying to keep his stomach contents down said, "And how shall we travel this river? We have nothing but the soles of our feet, and I do not know about you men but us Hobbits could not float for miles."

At that moment, a herd of elves crashed their party. The head elf thrusted Merry and Pippin forward, who were enjoying a rather nice lollypop (Sam walked freely), "The Lord caught these two trying to rip wood from the walls of his own room and would like to be rid of you as soon as possible. Therefor, we have been sent to speed up your departure."

"All right," Aragorn said, "what exactly are you offering us?"

The elves converged and talked noisily amongst themselves, "We have decided that we can give up three boats and a pallet of lembas."

"I don't know," Aragorn said slyly, "that's not really making me want to leave this land. We may just stay and set up condos on the shore."

"Fine, we'll throw in a bunch of cloaks for free," the head elf grumbled.

"Then we have a deal. Everyone, let's get the hell out of here."

The elves skulked back to their storage shed and pulled out three fairly seaworthy wooden boats (one only had nineteen or so patches in it), a box of cloaks and had their chef bring out some pre-made lembas. Aragorn and Boromir helped to load up the boats while Legolas and Gimli divided up the cloaks. Only too late, Mar was already strutting around displaying her new look, the duo realized they were one cloak short.

Legolas tried to ask the head Elf for another cloak but he simply responded, "Look the script said eight, so Galadriel's only going to give you eight. You're just going to have to deal with it."

"I uh, I guess we could um always make Merry and Pippin share. I doubt they'd really, you know, need a cloak that bad, you know," Legolas said.

"Ooh, let me tell them they have to share," Gimli said a dark smile on his face, "I love to watch those two fight." The dwarf grabbed the one remaining cloak and joined the Hobbits who foolishly were put in charge of gathering the food.

Merry stared hard at the square chunk of brown bread wrapped in a leaf, "So what exactly is this?"

"Why don't you ask our head chef, Everil. Hey Everil get out here."

A smaller elf with short black hair popped out from behind the counter. His bemoled mouth moved faster than Merry and Pip during a game of tag, "Hey all right, today we're gonna kick it up a notch by taking on lembas, the Elvish way-bread that's good enough to keep you on your feet for weeks even when its sure to lead to your death. We start off by stirring together two fist fulls of flour, something that kind of looks like white dirt, uh and the rest of this crap on my counter. Then we kick it up a notch by cutting in some butter and mixing in a few raisins for good luck. Bam! This then has buttermilk added to . . ."

"All right all right shesh, I didn't ask for your life story. Pippin, Frodo grab the last two boxes. Let's get them on the boats before this guy gets started on microwave nachos."

"Ah yes let's kick it up a notch with microwave nachos. Bam!" Everil got out before the other Elves pushed him back into the chef's oven.

Gimli happily found the two Hobbits, "Merry and Pippin I get to tell you that . . ."

He was interrupted by Frodo's gasp, "Is that a gigantic swan or do my eyes deceive me?"

Merry, Pippin, and Sam all gathered around the shore and stared into the foggy murk down the river. A large white head with a slender neck peered hesitantly back through the fog. The rather large duck-like thing paddled through the water towards the company. In those moments a small voice could be heard being carried on the wind, "Hurry it up, at this rate we won't make it to shore for another year."

"Oh yeah," a second voice answered, "you try paddling with these stupid pedals. They're bigger than my feet."

"Maybe I should just jump into the water and pull you to shore."

"Very funny."

"Never mind," Frodo said sheepishly, "I guess I was wrong."

The fellowship was packed and about ready to ship out when the swan boat (That's the gigantic swan by the way) finally docked, many curses later. The Lady Galadriel disembarked smoothly and stood before the company. Celeborn sat on the boat's bench, cooling his feet in the water for a few moments.

"Before you leave we ask that you enjoy a light lunch with us next to the flowing river." She parted her arms then turned to glare at her husband, "Celeborn, drag your carcass over here. And don't forget about the picnic basket!"

Everyone had a hearty meal of aged sweetbreads and head cheese (the moral of the story ask an elf Lady you meet in the woods what she is offering before you eat it) prepared by Everil, who thankfully did not pop up this time. Somehow, during Galadriel's incessant speeches on how much better things used to be, Celeborn managed to tell Aragorn about Emyn Muil, the Dead Marshes, and that they should avoid Fangorn. He also mentioned how high property taxes were in Rohan, and that now was the best time to refinance a mortgage.

Boromir was about to say something regarding Fangorn, but Galadriel stood quickly and raised her cup in toast. "Now is the time to drink the cup of farewell," in reality she wanted to avoid listening to Boromir's ramblings for a few hours, "Um, a toast, uh 'Here's to you and here's to me and I hope we never disagree. But if that should ever be, to hell with you and here's to me.'" Then Galadriel emptied her cup and passed the bottle to the rest of the fellowship urging them to drink. Each did, without any serious peril, although Gimli did happily claim that he "got the worm."

Galadriel bade that they sit again, even though by now the sun was threatening to set over the horizon. "Now as you each leave our land to try and find your own way, I offer to you each a small gift to help you along. Merry, I invite you to spin that wheel!"

"What?" the Hobbit asked, severely confused.

A large white sheet was removed from what had previously looked like a pile of wood, revealing a colorful wheel the size of a table set upon a stand. The wheel was cut into different slices; each slice containing a message. Merry walked up and read a few off, "Rope . . . Dagger . . . Trip for Two to Cancun?"

"Now, Mr. Brandybuck, are you ready to play 'Wheel of Riches'!" Galadriel yelled out. All of the other elves, who had been hanging around for some reason, exploded into applause.

Merry stared hard at the wheel not sure what to do. He placed his hand's up then put them back into his pockets quickly. Pippin was getting bored so he jumped up and challenged Merry, "Come on do something. It's not like time moves slower in Lothlorien!"

"I am not really sure what I should do? Do I speak to this wheel?"

"It's simple, you just do something," Pippin grabbed onto one side of the wheel and started to push it up. Merry, who would not be shown up by that little brat, grabbed onto the other side and pushed counter to him. The two fought against each other until leftover pieces of food hit them in the eye (Thanks to Gimli, who still had to tell Merry and Pippin about the cloaks). The two Hobbits let go and the wheel spun around a bit before coming to a stop.

"Congratulations," Galadriel said, "you win a belt." She motioned to her servants to fish a belt out of the prize box.

For the first time, everyone noticed a small arrow hung over the top of the wheel that was now pointing at the word 'Belt.' Merry's mouth dropped, "But that's not fair. Pippin screwed me up. I should get another turn."

"You are right," Galadriel said, "As Mister Took had a helping hand in winning, you both get a belt."

"Thanks a lot Merry. I should just use this to strangle you."

"I'd like to see you try little man," Merry said. This was answered by a left jab from Pippin. The two Hobbits rolled into another fighting mess that no one was in any hurry to break up.

As Merry and Pip rolled on the ground, heading towards river, the rest of the fellowship spun without requiring as much time as Merry. Legolas won a bow, but was so close to getting the new living room set! Boromir came out with another belt, and the servants had to tie two Hobbit belts together to fit him. Aragorn earned a sheath that was supposed to be magical or something, although he really would have preferred one of those cool daggers. Although none could beat Sam, who won dirt. But the Hobbit dealt with his loss gracefully and stuffed some elven rope in his pack while no one was looking.

Mar came away with a 25 dollar gift certificate to Mr. Goody's. Mr. Goody's the only place in Middle Earth where you are sure to find what you are searching for. A lost map to a mountain, a magical jewel, a digital camera that can fit into your pocket? We've got it all here at Mr. Goody's! Just take I-90, right past Middle Earth's Wild Kingdom.

Finally, it was Frodo's turn. He stared hesitantly at the board, not sure what he would do with a gift of dirt or a piece of paper, but he gave the wheel a rather hard spin anyway. The clackers clipped away at a good fifteen miles an hour; in fact, the wheel seemed to be gaining speed. Suddenly, behind the black arrow the wheel stopped at the word, 'Surprise.' Sirens wailed and lights flashed all around the group.

"Bob," Galadriel said, "tell us what the Hobbit has won."

A disembodied male voice spoke loudly, "Why nothing less than Galadriel's phile. Yes this small crystal cylinder that contains light from Earendil's star is made of top Austrian crystal. It will shine brightly for many years to come. No need to replace the batteries. Here's hoping it's a light for you when all others go out."

Frodo accepted the fhile and held it cautiously in his hands, for fear that the voice could be in there. Then he placed the file into his pack and decided it was time to break up Merry and Pippin.

Galadriel prepared to put away the wheel when Gimli coughed loudly, "Yes little Dwarf?" the lady asked.

"What about me, don't I get a spin?"

"Oh I am sorry, I completely forgot about you. How about this, you get one choice. You may choose for yourself one thing that I can give you."

Gimli's eyes lit up as dreams of mithril and weaponry floated through his mind. His concentration was interrupted by Aragorn who yelled for him to make a decision and get in the damn boat. "Now just give me one hairs moment."

"Very well," Galadriel undid one of her braids and hacked off some hair. She stuffed her tresses into his hand and turned to leave. "All right Celeborn, unhook the boat. Let's blow this popsicle stand."

"No, that's not what I meant," Gimli cried out, "I don't want this. No, wait, give me an axe. A nice new axe," Aragorn grabbed onto the dwarf and pulled him towards Legolas' boat, "Or even a belt. I'll take a simple belt. Please!"

Although it was probably a poor move, Merry and Pippin (who still had not been told about the cloak problem) were left together in Boromir's boat. Legolas tried to steer with a begrudging Gimli who kept trying to dash out at any moment to talk to Galadriel. Because of this, Mar was set in that boat and told to keep Gimli at bay. She did this by comparing how much cuter Legolas was to Gimli and occasionally stabbing the Dwarf with her fork.

Frodo and Sam loaded up into the last boat with Aragorn. As Aragorn steered the boats away from Galadriel and Celeborn towards an unknown future, Frodo looked back at the golden wood, "Farewell Lorien, I fear I shall not look upon your like again."

Sam looked his master in the face and said, "Frodo, shut up."

(I'd like to thank Kate, or whatever she's calling herself now, for trying to make this chapter funny. You may not have been able to pull it off, but that's pretty much all my fault.)