"Ahem, ahem," said Dumbledore, standing up in the Great Hall and trying to
acquire the attention of all whom were in his presence, "AHEM, AHEM!" He
tried again, but no one listened to him. This might have been because it
was 1:17 in the morning and no one else was in the Great Hall, but that is
beside the point, "AHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM!" he coughed for the last time and
then keeled over from too much exertion and coughing.
When he awoke it was actually time for breakfast and the Hall was full of people. He stood up.
"Ahem, ahem," he tried again. This time everyone fell silent. This was probably because his hair had turned a bright green and was standing on end, "I have an announcement to make! We have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! Professor. . ." he trailed off before he announced the name, comprehension dawning on his face, "I've got it! The average weight of a llama divided by the number of carbons in a glucose molecule minus the number of students in this school multiplied by negative pi equals. . .THE LENGTH OF SNAPE'S-"
"Who's the new Professor, Professor?" interrupted McGonagall loudly with impeccable timing, but Dumbledore would not answer. In fact, for the rest of the day he would do nothing but dance across the tables in the Great Hall reciting "Four and Twenty Blackbirds Baked in a Pie."
At lunch, Fred took a bite of his meat pie. Then the Slytherin Vegetarians came after him with swords and spears while riding balls of yarn that they had mistaken for rhinoceroses. In order to preserve his life, Fred gave birth to a colony of fleas. He raised them to adulthood and named them all Beau or Cleopatra, depending on how many legs they had.
Harry was staring at a large, ugly jar of pickles. Then he got a brilliant idea. He took the pickles out one by one and carved them and propped them up so that it was a perfect miniature of Easter Island. He sat there grinning at them for the remainder of the day. Every once in a while he would stand up and shout "Sunni Ali!"
Unknown to all until now, Pansy Parkinson had died. This caused some confusion and very many problems when her ghost began possessing people. For example, Ron had a lot of explaining to do when he danced around topless yelling, "I'm pregnant" and stopping every once in a while to hit on Draco Malfoy.
Draco was in the Hospital Wing for days after that, with his arms around his knees, rocking back and forth, and babbling incoherently.
"The Songhai Empire began as a small empire centered around the Niger River," he said once, "They began to really prosper when they took control of Mali and, in doing so, controlled the trans-Saharan trade. They mostly traded gold and salt with Muslim traders. This caused the spread of Islam starting first with the merchants, then spreading to the people and then, finally, the leaders. Previous to that-"
"SHUT UP!" howled Madam Pomfrey. She then attempted to poison him, but he was invincible. So she gave him a large amount of Skele-Gro as he was going in-depth about the government systems of the Tokugawa. This did not help anything, however, as now he was Giant Malfoy.
Then, suddenly, the author was overcome with a bout of Ginny/Draco and Ron/Hagrid's Pumpkins.
"Draco!" said Ginny, "You used to be so EVIL. Why now do I see this sudden change? Have you always been so tortured, abused, and kind on the inside?. . .and when did you grow so. . .large?"
"Never mind any of that, Ginger Bread," he said, with the glow of love in his. . . triceps, "We love each other and that is all we need!"
"Oh, Draco!"
They began to run around in circles until Harry looked away from his Easter Island pickles to say, "Yo, Ginny! I thought you loved MEEEEEE!"
Ginny and Giant Draco stared at him.
He stared at the pickles.
The pickles stared at Mrs. Norris. [The name Mrs. Norris was originally in a Jane Austen novel. It was the name of a very greedy old aunt.]
Mrs. Norris stared at SNAPE! YAY! I LOOOOOVE SNAAAAAPE!
And then Ron and Hagrid's Pumpkins began to snog. Hagrid looked out his window and fainted at the sight. When his body hit the floor an earthquake commenced. This angered the Confused Mongolian Dudes. They did not like earthquakes.
They stood on their heads in a well-planned revolt against Europe.
Fred denuded. Look it up if you don't know what it means; I refuse to tell you.
Flashback.
Lily: I love you, James. I hate you, James. I love you, James. James: I love you, Lily. I love you Lily. I love you Lily
********END OF FLASHBACK************
"Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie. . ."
A/N: Lalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadidaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! REVIEW!
Author: (talking to wall) And I really think I need help because I'm having these weird dreams-visions, really, about Elvis in purple socks. Sometimes I feel lost and confused, and other times I like to eat carrots. And the other weird thing is that the voices in my head sing to me in Gaelic. What should I do?
Wall: (wisely) Move to the grasslands!
Author: Okay!!!!
When he awoke it was actually time for breakfast and the Hall was full of people. He stood up.
"Ahem, ahem," he tried again. This time everyone fell silent. This was probably because his hair had turned a bright green and was standing on end, "I have an announcement to make! We have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! Professor. . ." he trailed off before he announced the name, comprehension dawning on his face, "I've got it! The average weight of a llama divided by the number of carbons in a glucose molecule minus the number of students in this school multiplied by negative pi equals. . .THE LENGTH OF SNAPE'S-"
"Who's the new Professor, Professor?" interrupted McGonagall loudly with impeccable timing, but Dumbledore would not answer. In fact, for the rest of the day he would do nothing but dance across the tables in the Great Hall reciting "Four and Twenty Blackbirds Baked in a Pie."
At lunch, Fred took a bite of his meat pie. Then the Slytherin Vegetarians came after him with swords and spears while riding balls of yarn that they had mistaken for rhinoceroses. In order to preserve his life, Fred gave birth to a colony of fleas. He raised them to adulthood and named them all Beau or Cleopatra, depending on how many legs they had.
Harry was staring at a large, ugly jar of pickles. Then he got a brilliant idea. He took the pickles out one by one and carved them and propped them up so that it was a perfect miniature of Easter Island. He sat there grinning at them for the remainder of the day. Every once in a while he would stand up and shout "Sunni Ali!"
Unknown to all until now, Pansy Parkinson had died. This caused some confusion and very many problems when her ghost began possessing people. For example, Ron had a lot of explaining to do when he danced around topless yelling, "I'm pregnant" and stopping every once in a while to hit on Draco Malfoy.
Draco was in the Hospital Wing for days after that, with his arms around his knees, rocking back and forth, and babbling incoherently.
"The Songhai Empire began as a small empire centered around the Niger River," he said once, "They began to really prosper when they took control of Mali and, in doing so, controlled the trans-Saharan trade. They mostly traded gold and salt with Muslim traders. This caused the spread of Islam starting first with the merchants, then spreading to the people and then, finally, the leaders. Previous to that-"
"SHUT UP!" howled Madam Pomfrey. She then attempted to poison him, but he was invincible. So she gave him a large amount of Skele-Gro as he was going in-depth about the government systems of the Tokugawa. This did not help anything, however, as now he was Giant Malfoy.
Then, suddenly, the author was overcome with a bout of Ginny/Draco and Ron/Hagrid's Pumpkins.
"Draco!" said Ginny, "You used to be so EVIL. Why now do I see this sudden change? Have you always been so tortured, abused, and kind on the inside?. . .and when did you grow so. . .large?"
"Never mind any of that, Ginger Bread," he said, with the glow of love in his. . . triceps, "We love each other and that is all we need!"
"Oh, Draco!"
They began to run around in circles until Harry looked away from his Easter Island pickles to say, "Yo, Ginny! I thought you loved MEEEEEE!"
Ginny and Giant Draco stared at him.
He stared at the pickles.
The pickles stared at Mrs. Norris. [The name Mrs. Norris was originally in a Jane Austen novel. It was the name of a very greedy old aunt.]
Mrs. Norris stared at SNAPE! YAY! I LOOOOOVE SNAAAAAPE!
And then Ron and Hagrid's Pumpkins began to snog. Hagrid looked out his window and fainted at the sight. When his body hit the floor an earthquake commenced. This angered the Confused Mongolian Dudes. They did not like earthquakes.
They stood on their heads in a well-planned revolt against Europe.
Fred denuded. Look it up if you don't know what it means; I refuse to tell you.
Flashback.
Lily: I love you, James. I hate you, James. I love you, James. James: I love you, Lily. I love you Lily. I love you Lily
********END OF FLASHBACK************
"Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie. . ."
A/N: Lalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadidaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! REVIEW!
Author: (talking to wall) And I really think I need help because I'm having these weird dreams-visions, really, about Elvis in purple socks. Sometimes I feel lost and confused, and other times I like to eat carrots. And the other weird thing is that the voices in my head sing to me in Gaelic. What should I do?
Wall: (wisely) Move to the grasslands!
Author: Okay!!!!