~Chapter 5
Maria Deluca prided herself on being a strong, independent, well kind of independent - young woman. She had pride and self respect and lately she had been thinking that she had wrongly compromised all that - all that she was. For a long time Michael Guerin had been a huge part of her life. He'd never been all of her life, though. She had friends and school and a life aside from Michael. But he had been central to her. Normal and natural for them to be together, the ordinary thing. that is until a person by the name of Victoria Winthrop whirled into their lives like a hurricane. And that hurricane had disordered their lives and taken away a part of the relationship that Michael and Maria had. Something was gone, missing. And honestly, if Maria had been truthful with herself, which she hadn't before because she was so scared- but if she had been, she would have admitted their relationship was never a perfect one, they weren't even terribly compatible. Their differences kind of attracted them together, that and over time - shared emotions over circumstances that involved them both. But from the beginning, they hadn't ever had an explosive love at first sight thing going on. It just kind of happened over time. But she had loved him. He had been her first and her most serious boyfriend to date, if you call Michael being serious about any relationship and herself as well. It wasn't ideal but it had made her happy.
It wasn't a fairy tale, but at times she felt like the princess. When she was with Michael it had been a pseudo sort of weird fairy tale at times. Maria had never declared that Michael Guerin was her soul mate and she did believe in such things. At times she wandered about it. She didn't know if he was the love of her life, but he was A love of her life at least. And anyway, she'd never really thought about them in this serious of terms. Partly because of her youth, partly because of how she was, and partly because of Michael. Despite everything, she loved Michael. He was not perfect, but nobody was- not even a royal alien. But God was he handsome and strong and sometimes, just sometimes she sort of imagined herself a heroine in one of her romance novels and he the hero. The sarcastic, powerful albeit sometimes pain in the rear hero. That wasn't reality, though. It was just a thought. And now, she found it an absurd one. Silly, girl. She had noticed maybe from the beginning, the spark between Victoria and Michael. Maybe it was some sort of premonition like thing, for the reason that Victoria had annoyed her from the beginning. Maria's friends had shrugged it off, but she knew they thought it was irrational - this dislike for the girl at the beginning. Looking back, Victoria had not done anything to her then, and she hadn't seemed mean, it was just a feeling. Maria had felt threatened. That was the bottom line for that. A woman's intuition. Maybe jealousy too, Maria thought. I mean she was an incredibly beautiful, popular, spoiled rich girl and then she was an incredibly beautiful, popular, rich girl who had her boyfriend Michael's attention, whether he would admit it or not. And then, she was the incredibly beautiful, popular, rich girl who had Michael's affection. and then she became the incredibly beautiful, popular, rich girl who had Michael's love. Whether he would admit it now or not, she knew he had loved Victoria. For one, he wouldn't have been so hurt if he hadn't.
Victoria had kind of become an obsession. Her intense dislike for her. Maria realized now, it was a culmination of all of her fears mixed with jealousy. Maria loved Michael, but that didn't account completely for her trying to hold on to him no matter what. And that certainly didn't completely account for her taking him back after Victoria's betrayal. HER boyfriend, Michael, had fallen in love with another girl and gotten her pregnant. He had risked a lot for this other girl. He had loved this other girl. That was hard for Maria to finally come to terms with. She could call Victoria all manner of names, recount all the things she did, all the things she could have done, all the things she could still do and yet it came down to the fact that Michael had chosen to sleep with Victoria. He had chosen Victoria. And this made Maria realize that he had probably stayed with her, Maria, out of pity or a sense of loyalty. She wasn't sure, but though she hadn't ever doubted that Michael loved her. She still believed he did in a way. But things weren't the same anymore. The past six months had made Maria grow up even more. And with that growing up, she had to deal with facts.
Honestly Maria felt a sort of vindication, of joy - when everyone found out what Victoria had been involved in. And dare she even say, that she had even felt some since of satisfaction when Michael and Victoria's baby had not lived? She couldn't voice that aloud. Not ever! She was scared of who she was becoming. Maria had never been someone filled with hate and spite and someone who wished harm on anything innocent, especially a baby. But she had faced down demons. She had first realized that she had demons. She had been put into situations that compromised who she truly was. Maria had felt smugness when she had Michael in her arms and Victoria had nothing. Absolutely nothing. Every time Victoria had lost something, she felt better. She, Maria, had won at last. And here right now, who was Michael with? He was sitting here in the Crashdown Café with her. But Maria didn't feel like a winner at all.
She had faced down her demons and won. She had come to terms with herself and her situation. And she was still coming to terms with what she had lost. Because she had lost Michael. Somewhere along the way she had lost him, if he had ever been truly hers that is. Somewhere along the way she had lost him, no matter that he was sitting right across from her eating fries. She had lost herself somewhere along the way too, as she had lost him. But she was finding herself again. She was being honest with herself finally. After that whole ordeal at the mansion and the showdown with Adam Winthrop, after that everyone - Liz, Max, Kyle, herself, Michael - they had all tried to pretend nothing bad had happened. Without any reminders around, they managed to live in a dreamland. And for a while, it had worked. Maybe it was still kind of working for some of them. But they would have to come to terms in their own way. Maria was finding herself again. And with that, she had to let go of the dream.
"Are you happy?" Maria asked, breaking the silence as they sat there in the café. Michael looked up, separating himself from whatever private thoughts he'd been having.
"What do you mean?" -Michael.
"It's a simple enough question, Michael." -Maria.
"Of course." -Michael.
"Well I'm not." -Maria.
Michael dropped the fries he'd been sort of playing with. "What's going on?"
"Well not us, Michael. Not for a long time." -Maria.
"I don't know what you're talking about, but-" Michael.
Maria interrupted, "You certainly do."
"I don't think we should be having this conversation here-" Michael said, glancing around.
"What does it matter where? Here is a perfect place." -Maria
Michael studied Maria. She didn't seem angry, she wasn't being overly emotional or out of control, but something about that and the look in her eyes alarmed him. "What are you trying to say?"
"I'm dumping you, Michael." Her words were kind of ironic and yet they came out seriously and to the point.
Michael looked at her like she'd lost her mind. "I don't---" He started, but Maria took a sip of her drink calmly and stopped him by talking instead.
"Things haven't been right in a long time. And it might as well be me that said it. No, it had to be me. Or else those words would probably have never been said. Whether you stayed with me for pity or comfort or loyalty- whatever it doesn't matter anymore. What does matter, is I let us be together again. It was wrong. Wrong because, I didn't do it so much because I loved you, but out of other feelings. Jealousy, vindication. Our lives is not a game. And because I was hurt by your relationship with Victoria and you getting her pregnant---"
Michael winced. "Maria-" He started to say.
"No, Michael. Let me say what I need to say! I was saying because I was hurt, I made it a game. I felt I won. Victoria lost everything, but why do I feel like I have lost too? I started to become someone I didn't like and didn't recognize. I don't want to be that way. And I don't want to continue with something that's not real anymore."
Michael was at a loss. "What made you come to this so suddenly?"
"It was not all of a sudden, it was a process. I just didn't say. Like you aren't saying everything. Really." Maria continued, "..I finally woke up."
Michael just sat there in silence while she looked at him. He finally said, "I care about you."
"And I care about you. I don't think that will ever change for me. And I would like to think that will never change for you too- that you'll always care about me. But sometimes love is not enough. And neither of us is happy. I know I'm not. Maybe neither of us were meant for each other. If we were, you would never have felt strongly about Victoria."
Michael wanted to argue with that, but he couldn't. He knew what she said was true, but he didn't think she would ever come to that point. And a part of him also, out of conceit or pride, didn't think she would ever break up with him. And if they ever broke up, he didn't imagine the scene to play out like this. Calm, serious, rational... Those three words didn't come to mind when he pictured it.
"I don't know what you want me to say. What do you want?" -Michael.
"There is nothing else you can say. Honestly I am still hurt and partly angry, but I've come to terms with how things were and are now. And I'm just not happy anymore. I need my self respect back and I need to be with someone who can make me happy. I need to be with someone who can think only of me, someone who is meant to love only me. Someone who is meant for me. And I don't think you are anymore." With that, Maria stood up and walked over to the counter to pay her tab, and where Liz stood watching them.
"Wow. It seemed so serious. You and Michael. What's going on?" Liz asked.
"I just broke up with him." -Maria.
"What?!?" Liz said, a bit loud.
Maria sat down on a stool and leaned her elbows on the counter. "Yeah. I did." She said, amazed that she actually did, and feeling a little like she was in a stupor.
Liz looked over Maria's shoulder at Michael who sat in the corner booth. He just sat there. He rather looked dejected. He stood up and strode out of the café a few moments later.
Maria watched him leave and then she put her head on her arms and let out her tears. Liz came quickly around the counter to embrace her best friend. "It's really over, Liz." Maria sobbed into her shoulder. Later, she told her all that she had been feeling, the realizations that she'd come to terms with and how she had to do it. It felt wrong not to do it. And it hurt, but it felt right to let it go. Let them go. She had finally awoken.
Maria Deluca prided herself on being a strong, independent, well kind of independent - young woman. She had pride and self respect and lately she had been thinking that she had wrongly compromised all that - all that she was. For a long time Michael Guerin had been a huge part of her life. He'd never been all of her life, though. She had friends and school and a life aside from Michael. But he had been central to her. Normal and natural for them to be together, the ordinary thing. that is until a person by the name of Victoria Winthrop whirled into their lives like a hurricane. And that hurricane had disordered their lives and taken away a part of the relationship that Michael and Maria had. Something was gone, missing. And honestly, if Maria had been truthful with herself, which she hadn't before because she was so scared- but if she had been, she would have admitted their relationship was never a perfect one, they weren't even terribly compatible. Their differences kind of attracted them together, that and over time - shared emotions over circumstances that involved them both. But from the beginning, they hadn't ever had an explosive love at first sight thing going on. It just kind of happened over time. But she had loved him. He had been her first and her most serious boyfriend to date, if you call Michael being serious about any relationship and herself as well. It wasn't ideal but it had made her happy.
It wasn't a fairy tale, but at times she felt like the princess. When she was with Michael it had been a pseudo sort of weird fairy tale at times. Maria had never declared that Michael Guerin was her soul mate and she did believe in such things. At times she wandered about it. She didn't know if he was the love of her life, but he was A love of her life at least. And anyway, she'd never really thought about them in this serious of terms. Partly because of her youth, partly because of how she was, and partly because of Michael. Despite everything, she loved Michael. He was not perfect, but nobody was- not even a royal alien. But God was he handsome and strong and sometimes, just sometimes she sort of imagined herself a heroine in one of her romance novels and he the hero. The sarcastic, powerful albeit sometimes pain in the rear hero. That wasn't reality, though. It was just a thought. And now, she found it an absurd one. Silly, girl. She had noticed maybe from the beginning, the spark between Victoria and Michael. Maybe it was some sort of premonition like thing, for the reason that Victoria had annoyed her from the beginning. Maria's friends had shrugged it off, but she knew they thought it was irrational - this dislike for the girl at the beginning. Looking back, Victoria had not done anything to her then, and she hadn't seemed mean, it was just a feeling. Maria had felt threatened. That was the bottom line for that. A woman's intuition. Maybe jealousy too, Maria thought. I mean she was an incredibly beautiful, popular, spoiled rich girl and then she was an incredibly beautiful, popular, rich girl who had her boyfriend Michael's attention, whether he would admit it or not. And then, she was the incredibly beautiful, popular, rich girl who had Michael's affection. and then she became the incredibly beautiful, popular, rich girl who had Michael's love. Whether he would admit it now or not, she knew he had loved Victoria. For one, he wouldn't have been so hurt if he hadn't.
Victoria had kind of become an obsession. Her intense dislike for her. Maria realized now, it was a culmination of all of her fears mixed with jealousy. Maria loved Michael, but that didn't account completely for her trying to hold on to him no matter what. And that certainly didn't completely account for her taking him back after Victoria's betrayal. HER boyfriend, Michael, had fallen in love with another girl and gotten her pregnant. He had risked a lot for this other girl. He had loved this other girl. That was hard for Maria to finally come to terms with. She could call Victoria all manner of names, recount all the things she did, all the things she could have done, all the things she could still do and yet it came down to the fact that Michael had chosen to sleep with Victoria. He had chosen Victoria. And this made Maria realize that he had probably stayed with her, Maria, out of pity or a sense of loyalty. She wasn't sure, but though she hadn't ever doubted that Michael loved her. She still believed he did in a way. But things weren't the same anymore. The past six months had made Maria grow up even more. And with that growing up, she had to deal with facts.
Honestly Maria felt a sort of vindication, of joy - when everyone found out what Victoria had been involved in. And dare she even say, that she had even felt some since of satisfaction when Michael and Victoria's baby had not lived? She couldn't voice that aloud. Not ever! She was scared of who she was becoming. Maria had never been someone filled with hate and spite and someone who wished harm on anything innocent, especially a baby. But she had faced down demons. She had first realized that she had demons. She had been put into situations that compromised who she truly was. Maria had felt smugness when she had Michael in her arms and Victoria had nothing. Absolutely nothing. Every time Victoria had lost something, she felt better. She, Maria, had won at last. And here right now, who was Michael with? He was sitting here in the Crashdown Café with her. But Maria didn't feel like a winner at all.
She had faced down her demons and won. She had come to terms with herself and her situation. And she was still coming to terms with what she had lost. Because she had lost Michael. Somewhere along the way she had lost him, if he had ever been truly hers that is. Somewhere along the way she had lost him, no matter that he was sitting right across from her eating fries. She had lost herself somewhere along the way too, as she had lost him. But she was finding herself again. She was being honest with herself finally. After that whole ordeal at the mansion and the showdown with Adam Winthrop, after that everyone - Liz, Max, Kyle, herself, Michael - they had all tried to pretend nothing bad had happened. Without any reminders around, they managed to live in a dreamland. And for a while, it had worked. Maybe it was still kind of working for some of them. But they would have to come to terms in their own way. Maria was finding herself again. And with that, she had to let go of the dream.
"Are you happy?" Maria asked, breaking the silence as they sat there in the café. Michael looked up, separating himself from whatever private thoughts he'd been having.
"What do you mean?" -Michael.
"It's a simple enough question, Michael." -Maria.
"Of course." -Michael.
"Well I'm not." -Maria.
Michael dropped the fries he'd been sort of playing with. "What's going on?"
"Well not us, Michael. Not for a long time." -Maria.
"I don't know what you're talking about, but-" Michael.
Maria interrupted, "You certainly do."
"I don't think we should be having this conversation here-" Michael said, glancing around.
"What does it matter where? Here is a perfect place." -Maria
Michael studied Maria. She didn't seem angry, she wasn't being overly emotional or out of control, but something about that and the look in her eyes alarmed him. "What are you trying to say?"
"I'm dumping you, Michael." Her words were kind of ironic and yet they came out seriously and to the point.
Michael looked at her like she'd lost her mind. "I don't---" He started, but Maria took a sip of her drink calmly and stopped him by talking instead.
"Things haven't been right in a long time. And it might as well be me that said it. No, it had to be me. Or else those words would probably have never been said. Whether you stayed with me for pity or comfort or loyalty- whatever it doesn't matter anymore. What does matter, is I let us be together again. It was wrong. Wrong because, I didn't do it so much because I loved you, but out of other feelings. Jealousy, vindication. Our lives is not a game. And because I was hurt by your relationship with Victoria and you getting her pregnant---"
Michael winced. "Maria-" He started to say.
"No, Michael. Let me say what I need to say! I was saying because I was hurt, I made it a game. I felt I won. Victoria lost everything, but why do I feel like I have lost too? I started to become someone I didn't like and didn't recognize. I don't want to be that way. And I don't want to continue with something that's not real anymore."
Michael was at a loss. "What made you come to this so suddenly?"
"It was not all of a sudden, it was a process. I just didn't say. Like you aren't saying everything. Really." Maria continued, "..I finally woke up."
Michael just sat there in silence while she looked at him. He finally said, "I care about you."
"And I care about you. I don't think that will ever change for me. And I would like to think that will never change for you too- that you'll always care about me. But sometimes love is not enough. And neither of us is happy. I know I'm not. Maybe neither of us were meant for each other. If we were, you would never have felt strongly about Victoria."
Michael wanted to argue with that, but he couldn't. He knew what she said was true, but he didn't think she would ever come to that point. And a part of him also, out of conceit or pride, didn't think she would ever break up with him. And if they ever broke up, he didn't imagine the scene to play out like this. Calm, serious, rational... Those three words didn't come to mind when he pictured it.
"I don't know what you want me to say. What do you want?" -Michael.
"There is nothing else you can say. Honestly I am still hurt and partly angry, but I've come to terms with how things were and are now. And I'm just not happy anymore. I need my self respect back and I need to be with someone who can make me happy. I need to be with someone who can think only of me, someone who is meant to love only me. Someone who is meant for me. And I don't think you are anymore." With that, Maria stood up and walked over to the counter to pay her tab, and where Liz stood watching them.
"Wow. It seemed so serious. You and Michael. What's going on?" Liz asked.
"I just broke up with him." -Maria.
"What?!?" Liz said, a bit loud.
Maria sat down on a stool and leaned her elbows on the counter. "Yeah. I did." She said, amazed that she actually did, and feeling a little like she was in a stupor.
Liz looked over Maria's shoulder at Michael who sat in the corner booth. He just sat there. He rather looked dejected. He stood up and strode out of the café a few moments later.
Maria watched him leave and then she put her head on her arms and let out her tears. Liz came quickly around the counter to embrace her best friend. "It's really over, Liz." Maria sobbed into her shoulder. Later, she told her all that she had been feeling, the realizations that she'd come to terms with and how she had to do it. It felt wrong not to do it. And it hurt, but it felt right to let it go. Let them go. She had finally awoken.