A/N-Aladdin reference in here. If you don't get it, it's no big
deal, I'll explain it afterwards.
When Harry was old and gray, he gathered around him all the sons and daughters of the little Harrys and Ginnys (i.e.-his grandchildren).
"I have a story to tell you," he croaked. And so he began the adventures of his life, "It was a long time ago. . .there was a large rabbit, but he looked kind of like a duck with an ear mutation. However, he forgot all about that and grew hedgehog hindquarters. Then he went to school and got a PHD in telecommunication and hieroglyphic beer bottles, which made him healthy and loud and rather inclined to giggle. So then he sat down in between a rock and a hard place and began to cry over spilled milk because that's the way the cookie crumbles. He became so forgetful that if the chickens hadn't been attacked to his neck, he would have lost the day of the week, as well as a few stitches in time. Then he saved nine in someone else's moccasins. So the moral of the story is, never cross your eyes and contract tendonitis when you are in the face of Voldemort, and don't eat the chicken before it's hatched because the early bird's second mouse gets the worm-filled cheese!"
The little children stared at him. For a long time.
Moving on to the actual story. . .
Fred was feeling very depressed that day. He was almost tempted to write angsty poetry, but, remembering the effects of last time, he thought better of it, instead he decided to vent his troubles to Harry, who was also having a bad day.
Once he had finished venting, Harry said, "Well, at least you haven't got three fathers and aren't one-fourth cactus. And your mother certainly isn't a Russian convict from India who liked to balance apples on her nose!"
"Uh. . .actually she is," said Fred honestly. He then was overcome with a bout of knowledgeability and proceeded to inform everyone of their personality flaws.
Harry, on the other hand, resolved to take up drinking because of his thoroughly unsatisfactory heritage.
Hermione, on the other-other hand, was having trouble getting to class. The little yellow AOL guy was continually running around her in circles and it was quite annoying. She took out her spare pair of hedge cutters and chased after him, with every intention of lambasting him brutally. He was the High Speed little yellow AOL guy, however, and she could not keep up, so she went off to join the Terrorist Club.
We join the Hufflepuffs in one of their Daily Satanic Rituals. This particular one featured dancing in a circle around. . .Snape, whom was in the middle of a large pinkish fire. He was knitting a sock and was utterly undisturbed by what was going on around him and he did not seem to notice the flames licking at his ears like dumb puppy doggies. As he was counting stitches, Dumbledore charged in to save him.
"Severus!" he mumbled at the top of his lungs, "Get out of there! Save yourself, my friend!. . .my, what a large, green sock that is!"
Severus Sebastian Stidolph Snape did not notice him either and he continued to knit, stopping only once to put on pink slippers, a fluffy bathrobe, and hair curlers.
Dumbledore shrugged and left in pursuit of the Ring of Power, "There is only Power," he hissed quietly, hunching over, "And those too weaK to seek it, precioussss. . ."
Fred was staring at himself in the mirror. Somewhere far, far away, Voldemort cackled as only Ottoman Turks can and then did the Twist. He was doing a bad job of it so Innocent Bystanders #23-4401, 5, and 7.6 began to throw tomatoes at him with impeccable aim.
He caught them in his wicker basket made of papaya leaves and made tomato soup.
Meanwhile, Snape's cunningly-knit green sock was taking over the room. It had already nearly taken the lives of several Satanic Hufflepuffs and it continued to grow out the doors and down the hall. The Anti-Green Socks Association (AGSA) and the White Sock Promoters (WSP) and a few people from the For the Underprivledged Cute Kittens Society (FU. . .okay, I'm not going to finish that one. . .) were called immediately and they sent reinforcements.
Then Lucius Malfoy could be seen running down the hall, clutching onto his staff. A Middle-Eastern-looking man with a goatee was chasing him.
"GIVE ME BACK MY STAFF! I am Jafar, Grand Vizier of the Ottomans! The snake staff is MINE, you horrible bootlegger, you! Give it BAAAACK!" the man roared. A parrot was flying after him, wheezing and barely keeping up.
"But it's so preeeeety!" Lucius yelled back.
"HEY!" he yelled, "It was mine first!"
Jafar continued to chase Lucius around the castle, trying to get the snake staff.
"Ha ha ha!" yelled Lucius, panting for breath, "Cross country is finally coming in handy! You'll never catch meeeeee--!"
He then fell into a pit in the middle of the hallway. Jafar followed him. Once they landed, a voice was heard from above. "The staff is MINE!" it said.
"Who are you?" yelled Lucius and Jafar simultaneously, while wrestling for the staff.
"Asclepius, the Greek God of Medicine! The staff was mine first! Now hand it up to me or face the bitter wrath of Zeus!"
"NO!" they both yelled. Then Lucius used the staff to invert the pit. They all chased each other in circles.
This continued for a while until Zeus came down and struck them all with neon lightning bolts, "Jesus Christ!" he yelled, "It is just a Stupid Snake Staff! Hey! Alliteration! I can alliterate! Praise the Lord of Lords!"
"I love you, Harry!" said Hermione, totally ditching Ron.
Harry looked slightly ill and confused for a moment and then ran in the name of apple cider away, far away, to South Korea, where he dressed as a woman and lived in constant fear of Hermione for the rest of his life. Hermione, utterly unperturbed, went back to loving Ron, as she obviously should have from the very beginning.
We rejoin the three snake-staff-obsessed men. They have recovered from the lightning and are all sitting around the staff, stroking it and looking very burnt.
"It's so pretty," said one. The others nodded in agreement.
"And I invented it!" said Asclepius proudly.
"No you didn't! I invented it!" yelled Jafar.
Lucius felt very sad, as he had no claim to inventing the snake staff whatsoever as he lived several hundred years after both Asclepius and Jafar.
"No!" said Asclepius, "It was obviously ME! I lived BC, you lived AD, therefore I win! HA!" He began to cackle madly, while running around with the staff. The other two chased after him.
"I have A.D.D.!" said the mouse-rat transvestite named Beethoven the Third, who happened to be Flitwick brother.
A/N-Jafar was the villain in Aladdin. He had a snake staff that hypnotized the sultan. Asclepius (there are many spellings of his name, I just randomly chose one) was the son of a Greek god. He excelled in medicine so much that he is sometimes considered the god of medicine, even though he was mortal. His symbol was a staff with a snake wrapped around it, which you will sometimes see as medical mascots.
REVIEW, my friends, or I will NOT BE PLEASED!!!! REVIEW!!!!!!!
Any R-rated interpretations of the word "staff" here are SEVERELY FROWNED UPON! That was definitely NOT WHAT I MEANT! (admit it, you were thinking it!)
When Harry was old and gray, he gathered around him all the sons and daughters of the little Harrys and Ginnys (i.e.-his grandchildren).
"I have a story to tell you," he croaked. And so he began the adventures of his life, "It was a long time ago. . .there was a large rabbit, but he looked kind of like a duck with an ear mutation. However, he forgot all about that and grew hedgehog hindquarters. Then he went to school and got a PHD in telecommunication and hieroglyphic beer bottles, which made him healthy and loud and rather inclined to giggle. So then he sat down in between a rock and a hard place and began to cry over spilled milk because that's the way the cookie crumbles. He became so forgetful that if the chickens hadn't been attacked to his neck, he would have lost the day of the week, as well as a few stitches in time. Then he saved nine in someone else's moccasins. So the moral of the story is, never cross your eyes and contract tendonitis when you are in the face of Voldemort, and don't eat the chicken before it's hatched because the early bird's second mouse gets the worm-filled cheese!"
The little children stared at him. For a long time.
Moving on to the actual story. . .
Fred was feeling very depressed that day. He was almost tempted to write angsty poetry, but, remembering the effects of last time, he thought better of it, instead he decided to vent his troubles to Harry, who was also having a bad day.
Once he had finished venting, Harry said, "Well, at least you haven't got three fathers and aren't one-fourth cactus. And your mother certainly isn't a Russian convict from India who liked to balance apples on her nose!"
"Uh. . .actually she is," said Fred honestly. He then was overcome with a bout of knowledgeability and proceeded to inform everyone of their personality flaws.
Harry, on the other hand, resolved to take up drinking because of his thoroughly unsatisfactory heritage.
Hermione, on the other-other hand, was having trouble getting to class. The little yellow AOL guy was continually running around her in circles and it was quite annoying. She took out her spare pair of hedge cutters and chased after him, with every intention of lambasting him brutally. He was the High Speed little yellow AOL guy, however, and she could not keep up, so she went off to join the Terrorist Club.
We join the Hufflepuffs in one of their Daily Satanic Rituals. This particular one featured dancing in a circle around. . .Snape, whom was in the middle of a large pinkish fire. He was knitting a sock and was utterly undisturbed by what was going on around him and he did not seem to notice the flames licking at his ears like dumb puppy doggies. As he was counting stitches, Dumbledore charged in to save him.
"Severus!" he mumbled at the top of his lungs, "Get out of there! Save yourself, my friend!. . .my, what a large, green sock that is!"
Severus Sebastian Stidolph Snape did not notice him either and he continued to knit, stopping only once to put on pink slippers, a fluffy bathrobe, and hair curlers.
Dumbledore shrugged and left in pursuit of the Ring of Power, "There is only Power," he hissed quietly, hunching over, "And those too weaK to seek it, precioussss. . ."
Fred was staring at himself in the mirror. Somewhere far, far away, Voldemort cackled as only Ottoman Turks can and then did the Twist. He was doing a bad job of it so Innocent Bystanders #23-4401, 5, and 7.6 began to throw tomatoes at him with impeccable aim.
He caught them in his wicker basket made of papaya leaves and made tomato soup.
Meanwhile, Snape's cunningly-knit green sock was taking over the room. It had already nearly taken the lives of several Satanic Hufflepuffs and it continued to grow out the doors and down the hall. The Anti-Green Socks Association (AGSA) and the White Sock Promoters (WSP) and a few people from the For the Underprivledged Cute Kittens Society (FU. . .okay, I'm not going to finish that one. . .) were called immediately and they sent reinforcements.
Then Lucius Malfoy could be seen running down the hall, clutching onto his staff. A Middle-Eastern-looking man with a goatee was chasing him.
"GIVE ME BACK MY STAFF! I am Jafar, Grand Vizier of the Ottomans! The snake staff is MINE, you horrible bootlegger, you! Give it BAAAACK!" the man roared. A parrot was flying after him, wheezing and barely keeping up.
"But it's so preeeeety!" Lucius yelled back.
"HEY!" he yelled, "It was mine first!"
Jafar continued to chase Lucius around the castle, trying to get the snake staff.
"Ha ha ha!" yelled Lucius, panting for breath, "Cross country is finally coming in handy! You'll never catch meeeeee--!"
He then fell into a pit in the middle of the hallway. Jafar followed him. Once they landed, a voice was heard from above. "The staff is MINE!" it said.
"Who are you?" yelled Lucius and Jafar simultaneously, while wrestling for the staff.
"Asclepius, the Greek God of Medicine! The staff was mine first! Now hand it up to me or face the bitter wrath of Zeus!"
"NO!" they both yelled. Then Lucius used the staff to invert the pit. They all chased each other in circles.
This continued for a while until Zeus came down and struck them all with neon lightning bolts, "Jesus Christ!" he yelled, "It is just a Stupid Snake Staff! Hey! Alliteration! I can alliterate! Praise the Lord of Lords!"
"I love you, Harry!" said Hermione, totally ditching Ron.
Harry looked slightly ill and confused for a moment and then ran in the name of apple cider away, far away, to South Korea, where he dressed as a woman and lived in constant fear of Hermione for the rest of his life. Hermione, utterly unperturbed, went back to loving Ron, as she obviously should have from the very beginning.
We rejoin the three snake-staff-obsessed men. They have recovered from the lightning and are all sitting around the staff, stroking it and looking very burnt.
"It's so pretty," said one. The others nodded in agreement.
"And I invented it!" said Asclepius proudly.
"No you didn't! I invented it!" yelled Jafar.
Lucius felt very sad, as he had no claim to inventing the snake staff whatsoever as he lived several hundred years after both Asclepius and Jafar.
"No!" said Asclepius, "It was obviously ME! I lived BC, you lived AD, therefore I win! HA!" He began to cackle madly, while running around with the staff. The other two chased after him.
"I have A.D.D.!" said the mouse-rat transvestite named Beethoven the Third, who happened to be Flitwick brother.
A/N-Jafar was the villain in Aladdin. He had a snake staff that hypnotized the sultan. Asclepius (there are many spellings of his name, I just randomly chose one) was the son of a Greek god. He excelled in medicine so much that he is sometimes considered the god of medicine, even though he was mortal. His symbol was a staff with a snake wrapped around it, which you will sometimes see as medical mascots.
REVIEW, my friends, or I will NOT BE PLEASED!!!! REVIEW!!!!!!!
Any R-rated interpretations of the word "staff" here are SEVERELY FROWNED UPON! That was definitely NOT WHAT I MEANT! (admit it, you were thinking it!)