A/N-Before I begin, I would like to say that "Araminta Malfoy-Potter:
Taking Hogwarts By Storm" by Araminta Malfoy-Potter is about the most funny
Mary-Sue you'll ever read. I'm serious, go read it (if you can stand it-I
couldn't!), you'll laugh like a foghorn (even though it's not supposed to
be a parody).
Macabre Leprechaun Maiden: Sorry I didn't meet your standards with that last one. I didn't meet MY standards either, frankly. Also the formatting for the songs got screwed, which made it even worse. I'll try harder this time!
Theaphelia: Thanks for the support, as usual!!!. . .Which reminds me:
READ "HARRY POTTER MEETS: THEAPHELIA AND HER COUSINS"!!!!! It'll crack you up until you're in little pieces all over the floor. If you like my story, you'll love hers!
Onwards, men [and women for you feminists. . .]. . .
The camera zooms in on Harry the Handsome playing a fife and sitting on a mountain of yogurt that is in the middle of the Great Hall. He is excellent at the fife and we all wonder where he learned to play. Sadly, the moment does not last long because the goopy yogurt can't hold its mountainous shape. It begins to spread out and Harry sinks into the middle.
The yogurt may suffocate him. Everyone is scared and stuff 'cause they don't want him to die and it's all suspenseful and crap. So I will leave you in your suspense for a while. . .
All the Harry Potter characters in History except for Harry (because he is in an over-large pile of lemon-strawberry yogurt-did I mention it was lemon-strawberry?) all jump into a vortex. Above it there is a large sign that says: "KEEP OUT. THIS IS THE VORTEX OF UNLIKELY AND DISTURBING RELATIONSHIPS. DO NOT ENTER!" They all turned illiterate momentarily, however, (even Hermione the Reader-Girl-Thing) and did not read it.
"WEEEEEEEE!" they all intoned gracefully as they were lost into a different universe. . .
They stepped out and found themselves still at Hogwarts. They were disappointed at the lack of interestingness of the vortex, but went about their daily routines as usual.
Then neither Malfoy nor McGonagall could be found. No one drew conclusions, however, because it was so UNLIKELY and DISTURBING.
Then Hagrid and Neville were spotted holding hands in the distance by the Lake, but anyone whom saw them assumed they were seeing things and went to get their eyes checked.
After that, however, things turned really crazy. Ron got together with Hagrid's Pumpkins (as he often does in this story). Lavendar went for Flitwick and Parvati went for Dumbledore, whom went for Colin Creevey, whom went for. . .himself?. . .uhhh. . .moving on!
When Crookshanks was found in a closet with Trelawney and Narcissa Malfoy, they all decided maybe it was time to return back through the vortex.
Sadly for you, they could not find it and several Crabbe/Filch/Ginny/Dobby dramas ensued. Snape was having trouble keeping his hands off both Myrtle and Flitwick, whom in turn were having trouble keeping off each other (Lord save us).
"Save yourself!" said the Lord as Winky and Cho eyed each other. The Lord decided to get the heck out of there, but before he could leave he fell in love with Hermione, the mouse-rat transvestite named Beethoven the Third, and Fred's pet rock Shistopholoph.
Now that's what I call UNLIKELY and DISTURBING.
Then Mr. Extra-Who-No-One-Cares-About found the vortex in Snape's personal toilet. Everyone (except Harry, of course) jumped into the toilet and found themselves and their emotions back to normal.
However, the next year there were several unexplained children running about. Including Draco's brother the half-cat and Ron's niece the House Elf and Lavendar's daughter the midget-with-a-premature-beard.
Fred's nose was cold. He cured it with an odd combination of yoga and salmon omelets with parsley.
Then, about a million hours later, Harry was rescued from the Lemon- Strawberry Yogurt of Doom by an ancient magic invented by Salazar Slytherin called Citrus-Fragum Yogurtus-Abigere, which was created to stop any student from drowning in lemon-strawberry yogurt.
Then Harry had an inner conflict involving chicken burritos and dove droppings, but it was left unsolved because Snape was staring pensively at the wall and smelling of honey-dew melon. His skin was as soft as rose petals. . .He began to speak, and everyone listened:
"Frogs can do it! Why can't I?" he exclaimed, and he proceeded to attempt to climb the wall for a disturbingly long time.
Then Hermione and Legolas fell in love, against all odds, but Lego- lassy had to return to Middle Earth to do the third film. Everyone cried except you, the Wise Reader, whom went to read a worthwhile Action/Adventure/Romance or maybe an Angst/Tragedy if you need Prozac.
"Hey diddle-diddle. The cat and the fiddle. The cow jumped over the moon. . ."
Snape was still working at ascending the wall of the Great Hall when Hermione ran in, screaming and yelling like a chicken that had just chopped off its own head.
"rUUUUUUUN! iT'S vOLDEMORTY!!!!! SAVE YOURSELF!!! i'TS HIM, i SWEAR! i saw HIM!!!!!"
pANIC ENSUED UNTIL THE AUTHOR REMEMBER TO un-caps-lock. . .
Dumbledore would've taken charge, if he could've found his cell-phone charger. Instead, Snape stopping climbing fruitlessly and began to speak with winged words.
The words winged their way past everyone's ears and flew out the open windows to the Forbidden Forest, where they lived happily ever after.
Snape began to look very short and rather green. The other people in the Great Hall hit him with a mallet because his winged words were useless and had left droppings all over the place. He went off to start an underground rebellion and eventually to create a The Winged-Word Zoo, which you may have heard of.
". . .The little dog laughed to see such sport. And. . ."
Dumbledore's hopeless bumbling in the face of danger was not helping anything, so McGonagall took control. She armed herself with sword, spear, and armor and charged through the door to the Great Hall, roaring something about dirty laundry and pythons.
When she arrived, however, no one was there.
"Hermione?" she called composedly, "Where is this attack you speak of?"
Hermione poked her head out of the doors, shaking like a washing machine, and she pointed at the floor. McGonagall stared at her, nonplussed, but Hermione continued to point at the floor. McGonagall stared at it.
Eventually, the entire school was standing around, staring at the floor.
"Oh, never mind!" said Hermione, looking relieved, "It wasn't Voldemort, it was a POSTAGE STAMP!" Sure enough, there was a small little stamp on the floor. She began to laugh heartily at her mistake, but no one else was amused. They began to stare her down until she stopped laughing.
"What?"
They all (except Ron, because he loves her) pulled out French horns from their pockets and piled them on top of her until she couldn't move anything except her left pinky-toe.
Once, everyone had left, however Ron the Rebel uncovered her. If looks could kill, Hermione would have lived forever. Awwwwwww, so sweet!
". . .The dish ran away with the spoon!" Fred sang in his lovely soprano voice.
A/N-Ah, nothing more therapeutic than writing a chapter of this story! I hope you enjoyed. If you did, TELL ME SO! If you didn't, TELL ME SO! REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!!!! Deal?
Thanks and a barrel of mint chocolate chip ice cream goes out to: Just Kidding Rowling, Destiny13, Sparrow's-Angel, Phoenix Archangel, Sognare, DeZot, Theaphelia, tbird09, Muskrat, DreaminGemini6192, Wicked Kiwi, Bookworm127, helma patuck, and MirroredBeauty for putting me on their lovely favorites list. Thank YOU!
Macabre Leprechaun Maiden: Sorry I didn't meet your standards with that last one. I didn't meet MY standards either, frankly. Also the formatting for the songs got screwed, which made it even worse. I'll try harder this time!
Theaphelia: Thanks for the support, as usual!!!. . .Which reminds me:
READ "HARRY POTTER MEETS: THEAPHELIA AND HER COUSINS"!!!!! It'll crack you up until you're in little pieces all over the floor. If you like my story, you'll love hers!
Onwards, men [and women for you feminists. . .]. . .
The camera zooms in on Harry the Handsome playing a fife and sitting on a mountain of yogurt that is in the middle of the Great Hall. He is excellent at the fife and we all wonder where he learned to play. Sadly, the moment does not last long because the goopy yogurt can't hold its mountainous shape. It begins to spread out and Harry sinks into the middle.
The yogurt may suffocate him. Everyone is scared and stuff 'cause they don't want him to die and it's all suspenseful and crap. So I will leave you in your suspense for a while. . .
All the Harry Potter characters in History except for Harry (because he is in an over-large pile of lemon-strawberry yogurt-did I mention it was lemon-strawberry?) all jump into a vortex. Above it there is a large sign that says: "KEEP OUT. THIS IS THE VORTEX OF UNLIKELY AND DISTURBING RELATIONSHIPS. DO NOT ENTER!" They all turned illiterate momentarily, however, (even Hermione the Reader-Girl-Thing) and did not read it.
"WEEEEEEEE!" they all intoned gracefully as they were lost into a different universe. . .
They stepped out and found themselves still at Hogwarts. They were disappointed at the lack of interestingness of the vortex, but went about their daily routines as usual.
Then neither Malfoy nor McGonagall could be found. No one drew conclusions, however, because it was so UNLIKELY and DISTURBING.
Then Hagrid and Neville were spotted holding hands in the distance by the Lake, but anyone whom saw them assumed they were seeing things and went to get their eyes checked.
After that, however, things turned really crazy. Ron got together with Hagrid's Pumpkins (as he often does in this story). Lavendar went for Flitwick and Parvati went for Dumbledore, whom went for Colin Creevey, whom went for. . .himself?. . .uhhh. . .moving on!
When Crookshanks was found in a closet with Trelawney and Narcissa Malfoy, they all decided maybe it was time to return back through the vortex.
Sadly for you, they could not find it and several Crabbe/Filch/Ginny/Dobby dramas ensued. Snape was having trouble keeping his hands off both Myrtle and Flitwick, whom in turn were having trouble keeping off each other (Lord save us).
"Save yourself!" said the Lord as Winky and Cho eyed each other. The Lord decided to get the heck out of there, but before he could leave he fell in love with Hermione, the mouse-rat transvestite named Beethoven the Third, and Fred's pet rock Shistopholoph.
Now that's what I call UNLIKELY and DISTURBING.
Then Mr. Extra-Who-No-One-Cares-About found the vortex in Snape's personal toilet. Everyone (except Harry, of course) jumped into the toilet and found themselves and their emotions back to normal.
However, the next year there were several unexplained children running about. Including Draco's brother the half-cat and Ron's niece the House Elf and Lavendar's daughter the midget-with-a-premature-beard.
Fred's nose was cold. He cured it with an odd combination of yoga and salmon omelets with parsley.
Then, about a million hours later, Harry was rescued from the Lemon- Strawberry Yogurt of Doom by an ancient magic invented by Salazar Slytherin called Citrus-Fragum Yogurtus-Abigere, which was created to stop any student from drowning in lemon-strawberry yogurt.
Then Harry had an inner conflict involving chicken burritos and dove droppings, but it was left unsolved because Snape was staring pensively at the wall and smelling of honey-dew melon. His skin was as soft as rose petals. . .He began to speak, and everyone listened:
"Frogs can do it! Why can't I?" he exclaimed, and he proceeded to attempt to climb the wall for a disturbingly long time.
Then Hermione and Legolas fell in love, against all odds, but Lego- lassy had to return to Middle Earth to do the third film. Everyone cried except you, the Wise Reader, whom went to read a worthwhile Action/Adventure/Romance or maybe an Angst/Tragedy if you need Prozac.
"Hey diddle-diddle. The cat and the fiddle. The cow jumped over the moon. . ."
Snape was still working at ascending the wall of the Great Hall when Hermione ran in, screaming and yelling like a chicken that had just chopped off its own head.
"rUUUUUUUN! iT'S vOLDEMORTY!!!!! SAVE YOURSELF!!! i'TS HIM, i SWEAR! i saw HIM!!!!!"
pANIC ENSUED UNTIL THE AUTHOR REMEMBER TO un-caps-lock. . .
Dumbledore would've taken charge, if he could've found his cell-phone charger. Instead, Snape stopping climbing fruitlessly and began to speak with winged words.
The words winged their way past everyone's ears and flew out the open windows to the Forbidden Forest, where they lived happily ever after.
Snape began to look very short and rather green. The other people in the Great Hall hit him with a mallet because his winged words were useless and had left droppings all over the place. He went off to start an underground rebellion and eventually to create a The Winged-Word Zoo, which you may have heard of.
". . .The little dog laughed to see such sport. And. . ."
Dumbledore's hopeless bumbling in the face of danger was not helping anything, so McGonagall took control. She armed herself with sword, spear, and armor and charged through the door to the Great Hall, roaring something about dirty laundry and pythons.
When she arrived, however, no one was there.
"Hermione?" she called composedly, "Where is this attack you speak of?"
Hermione poked her head out of the doors, shaking like a washing machine, and she pointed at the floor. McGonagall stared at her, nonplussed, but Hermione continued to point at the floor. McGonagall stared at it.
Eventually, the entire school was standing around, staring at the floor.
"Oh, never mind!" said Hermione, looking relieved, "It wasn't Voldemort, it was a POSTAGE STAMP!" Sure enough, there was a small little stamp on the floor. She began to laugh heartily at her mistake, but no one else was amused. They began to stare her down until she stopped laughing.
"What?"
They all (except Ron, because he loves her) pulled out French horns from their pockets and piled them on top of her until she couldn't move anything except her left pinky-toe.
Once, everyone had left, however Ron the Rebel uncovered her. If looks could kill, Hermione would have lived forever. Awwwwwww, so sweet!
". . .The dish ran away with the spoon!" Fred sang in his lovely soprano voice.
A/N-Ah, nothing more therapeutic than writing a chapter of this story! I hope you enjoyed. If you did, TELL ME SO! If you didn't, TELL ME SO! REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!!!! Deal?
Thanks and a barrel of mint chocolate chip ice cream goes out to: Just Kidding Rowling, Destiny13, Sparrow's-Angel, Phoenix Archangel, Sognare, DeZot, Theaphelia, tbird09, Muskrat, DreaminGemini6192, Wicked Kiwi, Bookworm127, helma patuck, and MirroredBeauty for putting me on their lovely favorites list. Thank YOU!